Missing Buffalo

Last spotted having a droppie tea with Wullie Spanners.

Eric the buffalo is described as dark brown in colour, cloven hoofed, with broad shoulders and curved horns. He is approximately 5-6 feet in height at his shoulders and weighs around a ton. When last seen he was shedding his winter coat and sprinting at 30 mph.

With the imminent arrival of the summer breading season, Eric will become increasingly restless. He may bellow hoarsely and become quarrelsome. Eric has been known to lower his head and paw the earth defiantly, so approach with care or call Wullie Spanners breakdown services for assistance.

Eric's fiancée, Hilda, is also missing but we are still waiting on her up-to-date description and photo details.

PC Hugh Dunnitt has asked all Islanders to check their outhouses and garden areas for signs of Eric and Hilda.

Your Highland Island Easter Events Calendar

Thanks to the unfaltering commitment of the Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle, we have another fun-packed weekend of entertainment to enjoy this Easter.

Good Friday frolics kick off with an Easter Bonnet parade, down at Wullie Spanners' garage. Special guest Sydney Devine opens the new showroom at noon. Come and admire the latest fleet of mobility car bonnets, like the Simca Avonde 90A, Reliant Rialto, and FV107 Scimitar bonnets. Get yours on special offer now before the bonnets go up! The parade of apprentice mechanic Daft Uisdean's reconditioned and re-sprayed bonnets will follow at 2 pm, appropriately ending at the recycling centre by 3 pm, for a Bonnett Tossing competition.

Even Better Saturday events are designed for the children. At 10 am, our Easter Bunny competition begins at Murdina’s butcher shop. Murdina will give a 45 minute lecture on how to skin and bone your rabbit, followed by some decoration tips and advice on how to fold in ears when making rabbit pie. Sharp knives, rabbits and hot ovens will then be left at the children's disposal where they can test out their own culinary skills. Judging, for the prize of a six pack of potted hoch, will take place around 6 pm.

Easter Sunday Egg Rolling will take place at the Fertility Clinic caravan, behind the Free Church, followed by an Egg Hunt in their Lost Property Box. Be there at 1 pm. Don't forget to bring your own torches, thermometers and calendars!

Coming Soon – Daft Uisdean’s Agony Column

-Have you been jilted by Wullie Spanners lately?
-Is there something that you need to get off your chest about Wullie Spanners?
-Do you have a secret crush on Wullie Spanners?
-Has Wullie Spanners been unfaithful to you?
-Has Wullie Spanners been servicing more than you wife's car?
-Is Wullie Spanners the father of your child?
-Need a date with Wullie Spanners?

Write to Daft Uisdean about it, in the comments section below...

In Memoriam - The Highland Island News, Thursday 9th September, 2010

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 - Unfaithful husband to Millicent and father to more than half of the island. Even when we close our eyes, there’s an image of your face. We’ve already said our goodbyes. So go and haunt some other place! - Millicent Marjoribanks.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009 – Lover to Big Maggie Ann - No pen could write. No tongue could tell, my sad and bitter loss. But Gordon’s Gin, has helped so well. Now I dinnae give a toss. Frae Big Maggie Ann.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks – Died in the arms of Annie, with her trombone. I think of you in silence. No eyes can see me weep. Coz, what a cheating sod you were… I’m glad you’re 6ft deep. Love Annie.

Winston Marjoribanks - You said you had a heart of gold. And, so I changed your manifold. You said you were generous, loving and kind. Then you left these unpaid bills behind. - Wullie Spanners at the garage (Still owed 16 shillings and 10 pence).

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart - Walled in our hearts, there’s a garden, where memories bloom and stay. Then there’s the compost heap, where we buried you, getting smellier every day. – Woodworm Willie Funeral Services.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 I knitted soft green underpants. You said you wore them often. So I knitted you another pair, to wear inside your coffin. - Jean at the Wool Shop.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009. If I could have one wish today, it would not be for gold. It would be to reclaim haggis, that I’ve think I’ve gone and sold. I minced your leg in error, when they stuck you in my fridge. The mortuary was full that day. Isn’t life a bitch? – Murdina at the Butcher’s Shop.

Installation of New Automatic Barmaid

Our news reporter, Annie, from the local Church Guild Knitting (read Gossip) Group, conducted interviews down at the ferry terminal to determine the success of the new automatic barmaid that has just been installed down at the hotel.

Annie approached a burly Glaswegian, known as Tam the Dram. “Excuse me, Tam, could you tell me what you think of the new barmaid down at the hotel?”

“’Please remove the item from your basket and scan again.’ Thon new automatic barmaid says the same bloody thing, over and over. ’Listen, Darling,’ I telt her ‘I cannae dae that coz ma glass is empty noo, an a I wannanutherun NOW nae taemorrasmorra.’”

“And did she listen to you, Tam?” asked Annie.

“Naw, so I tried to leave the hotel in disgust. But, as I went through the door thon alarm gaes aff. Bloody Nee Naw Nee Naw and aw that.”

“Why did the alarm sound, Tam?”

“Cause I’d drunk ma dram before I pit ma glass in the bagging area,” said Tam, adding, “We’re aw fed up o drinking at the hotel now. ‘Return item to the bagging area’ she says till she duz ma heid in.”

“Have you any other comments to make about the automatic barmaid, Tam?”

“Aye, bring back thon wee wumun wi the big tits and get rid o thon machine. Ye cannae scan a pint o heavy withoot yon machine calling for a customer service advisor.”

“Why is that, Tam?”

“Cause its too heavy! Apparently, Health and Safety regulations now says ye need safety goggles and yer Moving and Handling ticket to pick it up.”

So what’s the way forward, Tam?”

“Ach, I’m aff tae visit Torquil for a wee dram o his homemade Clapdarnach wine.”

Murdina Reveals All On Radio

During a recent radio interview, Murdina the Butcher revealed the name for her new line of Scottish Beef Products.

“I was standing by the sausage machine, quenching my thirst with a can of my favourite orange Scottish fizzy drink, and the name for my new product line came to me like a bolt of light out of the blue.”

“You see, there is a lot of iron in food containing beef,” said Murdina. “I looked at my drink can and thought… I know what I’ll call it… 'Iron Food'.”

“It was quite simple really,” she said. “Funnily enough, I’ve had a lot of requests for me to personally deliver my new line of product, so folk must like the idea.”

A copy of Murdina's new product labels is printed below.

Top 5 Reasons why Daft Uisdean is banned from Big Maggie Anne's cafe

“Waiter! Waiter! There’s an earwig on my ear.”
“Hold still and let me look, Daft Uisdean.”
“Hurry up, waiter. I have a phobia about…”
“Och Uisdean, It’s not a wig... you need to shave your ears.”
“Waiter! Waiter! Come back – there’s a fly on my trousers.”
“Yes, I know Uisdean. Now zip it up again because the Ladies from the Church Guild are looking.”
“But, Waiter! Waiter! I’ve got an ant in ma leg.”
“Och, Uisdean, Your aunt moved away from Mallaig years ago.”
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a bug under the table.”
“Look, Daft Uisdean, this is Big Maggie Ann’s café, not MI5.”
"Ah, but Waiter! Waiter! There’s a tick on the clock.”
“That's it! OUT!”

Emergency Meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department

An emergency public meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department has been called for Thursday night at 7.30 pm down at the Ferry Terminal.

The business in hand concerns planning applications from 1) Muddy Brown and 2) Wullie Spanners. Detailed plans are available to view at The Wool Shop.

In summary, Muddy Brown and Wullie Spanners both propose to purchase the same prime site of real estate (the Ladies toilets down at the Ferry Terminal) and have entered into a bidding war to obtain the property.

Muddy Brown, owner of Brown’s Art Emporium, recently submitted plans to The Island’s Roads and Planning Department for an extension to the property for sale (involving an underground tunnel connecting this property to a sister site in France), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Muddy’s Loovre”.

Wullie Spanners, local garage owner, who has always spoken out about the need for “a hot dog stall an' extra fast food boutique fae the towrists” has also submitted plans for extension to the property (involving a speedy underground tunnel connecting this property to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Wullie’s Quick In and Out Sausages”.

The Island’s Roads and Planning Department decided to put both applications to a public vote, before deciding whether to grant planning permission to either Mr Brown or Mr Spanners.

Comments and objections welcome below, in the comments section.

Closure of all Ladies' toilets

The Ladies of the Wee Free Church Guild will hold a special meeting this Thursday to give instructions on how to use a Shewee.

Shewee, the portable urinating device, is a moulded, water repellent plastic funnel that allows women to urinate whilst standing or sitting and without removing clothes.

Due to Highland Island Government cutbacks, mandatory public use of the Shewee will be phased in over the course of the summer months, in preparation for the September 1st closure of all ladies’ toilets on the island.

Public conveniences will now be unisex. Existing Ladies toilets will be sold at auction on September 1st, 2010. Women will be expected to share the use of urinals by utilizing their Shewees.

At a recent question and answer session, down at the ferry terminal toilets, concerned members of the community asked how they could address the topic of privacy between sexes. It was decided that everyone entering public toilets should wear a blindfold.

Local community councilor, Farquar Bogg, added, “The use of blindfolds should also assist in aiding financial cutbacks, as we would no longer require lighting inside the toilets.”

Rev. Brimstone asked how people would find the urinals in the dark, whilst wearing blindfolds. He anticipated a lot of fumbling, groping and wet shoes.

Farquar Bogg consequently decided that all shoes should be removed before entering public toilets.

Mr. Bogg has asked anyone with further concerns to write to him in the comments section below. Or, if anyone would like to make an offer for one of the Ladies toilet buildings, please enter your confidential, sealed bid in the comment section, also stating your plans for its intended use.

New claims about the authenticity of the Archie Rembrandt painting

Muddy, from Muddy Brown’s Art Emporium, made a damning public claim about the Archie Rembrandt painting that Big Maggie Ann found, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside loo. “The painting is a complete fake,” he said.

The oil on canvas, ‘Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat’, is rumored to have fetched seven figures at Crusty’s auction rooms recently. So, our reporter went to interview Muddy Brown about his claims.

“First of all, how did you get your name, Muddy, its unusual?”

“Its quite easy really, you either mix grey or black with yellow, orange, red, or rose and you get varying shades of Brown.”

Our reporter stopped Mr. Brown in his tracks. “Actually, Muddy, I didn’t want an art lesson – I was talking about your first name. Anyway, let’s move on.”

“Oh, good because I prefer Muddy for short, rather than my two forenames, Muddick Sweeny.”

“Okay then, Muddy Brown, so why do you think the Archie Rembrandt painting is a fake?” he asked.

Muddy Brown answered, “Because, whoever painted this canvas, didn’t follow the painting-by-numbers instructions. The Gold Hat is painted yellow. Everyone, like me, who has completed sufficient painting-by-number kits, knows that yellow is in the No.6 paint pot. The gold paint is No. 11, which the artist has used to paint Daft Uisdean’s wellies.”

“But, Mr Brown, don’t you think this could be down to artistic impression? Perhaps Archie Rembrandt intended to paint the gold hat yellow, and Daft Uisdean’s wellies in gold. Crusty’s auction rooms seemed to think the painting was genuine?”

Silence.

“Mr. Brown? Are you okay? You look a bit… yellow… I mean you look a bit No. 6.”

Silence…followed by shuffling feet.

“Come back Mr. Brown. Maybe I should have said you looked a bit No. 11, I mean No. 2… no, I mean No.7 …oh help, is there an artist about that can help rectify my dilemma with Mr. Brown?”

Notes from The Church Guild 'Knitting' (Read Gossip) Circle Meeting –

In attendance -

Big Maggie Ann
Annie (and her trombone)
Mrs Reverent Brimstone
Murdina the Butcher
Dorcas Mor
Ruby Hazelnut
Isabella Lilias Ann MacPhee
Dot Pong from the Chinese Dragon
Vera the Traffic Warden
Deirdre from Arbroath

Apologies were given by Jean at the Woolshop, and Fiona and her Paintings.

At 7.25 pm, everyone said, “Shh!” and looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. Satisfied that there were no eavesdroppers, gossip commenced at 7.30 pm.

1) The latest scandal about Jean and the Wool Salesman – Everyone agreed that from now on The Wool Salesman would be known as ‘You know who’. When gossiping about the point in time when Jean came back to the island, the group decided to refer to this period as ‘You know when’. And, Jean was now to be known as ‘Herself’.

2) Official assignment of a new Gossip Case Code Name (G.C.C.N.) - The group decided on a new G.C.C.N., when members needed to gossip about “You know who’, ‘Herself’ and ‘You know when’. The topic is now called Gossip Case Code Name - “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”

3) Protocol reminder - The correct protocol for initiating a G.C.C.N. is to tug on a group member’s sleeve, pull them into a quiet corner of the room, and repeat the G.C.C.N. (In this case the G.C.C.N. is “AH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”) Then members may proceed to gossip.

4) Examples of relevant gossip – Annie was called upon to give the first example of gossip that might follow G.C.C.N. “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Annie said, “Well, I heard that ‘You know who’ did a lot of shouting about ‘You know what’ when ‘You know when’, happened.

5) Definitition of ‘You know what’ - Dorcas asked Annie for a definition of “You know what’.

6) Tension Building Exercise - In order to add tension to the gossip, Annie proposed that everyone guess what ‘You know what’ meant. She further requested that suggestions were given in whispers. The following ideas were given. Deirdre suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to an illegitimate pregnancy. Dot Pong suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to Sweet and Sour Crab Balls (No. 27 on the Chinese Dagon Take Away Menu). Big Maggie Ann used profanities about ‘Chinese Immigrants’ and was asked to leave the group. Dorcas Mor suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to clapdarnachs. Murdina the Butcher suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to ‘You know who’ inviting other women for ‘tea and scones’. Mrs Reverent Brimstone suggested that ‘You know what’ simply referred to the fact that ‘herself’ felt lonely and unappreciated. She added, “When I feel that way, Reverent Brimstone gives me a damn good Rogering.”

The meeting was adjourned, while everyone recovered from the Reverent’s wife’s comment.

A Bit of Yarn About Jean At The Woolshop.

I’m sure you’ve all been wondering about the whereabouts of Jean at the Wool Shop, and whatever happened to her radio show?

Well, are you sitting comfortably? Plump up that old cushion supporting your lower back, raise your tired feet up onto the worn wooden footstool, pour yourself a wee glass of cooking whisky, and I’ll tell you a sad story.

The truth is that Jean fell for the yarns of a Wool Salesman. He spun her wonderful, naturally-oiled tales about ancient drove roads once travelled by romantic sheep, who sang to each other in harmonious bleats.

Jean knitted this salesman many a pair of her famous racing-green underpants, urging him to tell her more.

Upon receipt of his underpants, the salesman confessed to Jean that she was his m’ewes. He told Jean about ways that sheep flock together and, if she really loved him, they should share a sheep pen, write about clapdarnachs, and leg it together to make a mint.

Jean counted the sheep she already had, and after a short snooze, decided to follow the Wool Salesman. She sold all her foreign Alpaca double-knitting, racing-green, 50 g balls at half price. She left her radio station with Daft Uisdean and offered the wool shop for sale on the housing market. Jean then trotted off after the Wool Salesman, with a heart as light as lamb’s wool.

Alas, after much nose-to-tail traveling of drove roads, Jean developed foot rot, for her skills as a Wool Salesman’s Assistant were poor. She was a creative knitter, not a melodious yarn spinner. As she wandered aimlessly, she felt as if she’d been spun around and teased until she was one ply short of the full double knitting ball.

Everywhere she followed, she noticed that she fell further and further behind in the line of sheep that followed behind the Wool Salesman. As time passed, he seemed to be more passionate about the sound of his sales pitch to the flock than ever writing about clapdarnachs. However, Jean remained ever hopeful that one day her skills would be called upon to pen sheep tales, and once and for all she could proudly live up to the title of 'Wool Salesman's M’ewes'.

Jean asked the Wool Salesman if they could take a break from the drove roads, to invent some knitting patterns together. She waited with her knitting needles packed at the ready but alas her wait was in vain.

Her secret dream was that one day the Wool Salesman would spin one of his ultimate romantic yarns about her and set it to some of his m’ewe’sic. As time went by, though, Jean became conscious that the Wool Salesman’s entire repertoire of sheep tales was about Cheviots, Black Faced Sheep, or Cotswold sheep from his past.

In every sheep port and pen thereafter, Jean encountered a ewe that looked prettier than her in her racing green, hand-knitted, double-knitting clothes. The followers of his flock would frolick, intoxicated, dressed in fancy rich colours, as he spun his yarns. Jean could never compete with the way that lively groups of leggy Cheviots often flashed their own tales back to the Wool Salesman, as he performed his sales pitch.

And so, after traveling many drove roads, Jean returned to the island with a few dropped stiches and a heavy heart. She has purchased another property to restart her Wool Shop.

A well-respected gossip from the local Church Guild Knitting Group reputedly overheard Jean say, "My heart feels even heavier than one of Murdo the Ram's giant and swollen testicles." Upon hearing this, the Church Guild group decided to knit Jean a handkerchief for her sorrow, made in double knitting wool and in her favourite colour of racing green.

She is now hoping to strike a deal with Daft Uisdean's lawyer, to get back her radio station and hopes to begin producing shows again in the near future.

Her Royal Highness - Big Maggie Ann's Cafe

Local food critique, Shovel MacGrubbin, paid an unexpected visit to Big Maggie Ann's cafe, The Lobster Pot and her new residence down at the Ferry Terminal. He reported, "Bloody Hell, it's a f*%@ing Palace."

Since Big Maggie Ann discovered the Archie Rembrandt painting, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside toilet, her fortune changed forever. It is rumored that the Archie Rembrandt painting, 'Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat' sold for a seven figure sum at Crusty's Auction Room in London.

Big Maggie Ann recently purchased the Palace, now know as 'Palace of Big Maggie Ann' and, within the palace grounds, runs The Lobster Pot Cafe.

Shovel MacGrubbin continues, "The Pot Noodle sandwiches are crap, pure shite. I would'nae feed that tae ma dog. As for the Pot Belly Stew, I barfed outside the door when I sniffed it. The wife ordered lobster and they gave her a giant cockroach handcuffed to a bed of lettuce wi a fly swatter tae batter it if it moved. I drank ma pint of Guiness and left, but not before paying a visit tae the wee man's room. I would'nae go back again."

We are keen to obtain any other reports on the cuisine at Big Maggie Ann's cafe, so please leave your comments below.

Under new management and open for business

Big Maggie Ann, proprietor of The Lobster Pot Café, down at the Ferry Terminal, would like to announce that she is now open for business.

TODAY’S MENU FOR THE SPEED DATING LUNCH

Pot Noodle Sandwiches, freshly made from the kettle
Pot Belly Stew, simmered slowly since May 30th
Potting Shed Pie, made with Daft Uisdean’s own hands
Potpourri Curry, with unique crunchy bits of dried thistle
Pottery Wheels, hand painted and hard baked. Gum shields supplied.
Pot Hole Covers, marinated by the Island Water Board
Or
Lobster, catch your own. Flippers provided at an extra charge.

All dishes served with a selection of seasonal viruses.

Customers note - Please do not feed the lobsters

Please book your table in the comments section below, giving your average speed per date.

Midnight Marbles

Anyone wishing to join a game of Midnight Marbles please complete entry form at Jean's Wool Shop.

Jean asked me to mention that, due to failure of the floodlights last year, a number of participants lost their marbles. Therefore, if you think you lost your marbles last year, or if you know of someone else who lost their marbles, please ask for a compensation claim form at Jean's Wool Shop, or detail your claim in the comment box below. Please be explicit!

All compensation claims will be considered by a panel of qualified judges - Daft Uisdean, Woodworm Willie and Big Maggie Ann. Payouts will range acording to hardship caused, enviromental effects, the sound of music, and the amount of marbles lost.

Charity Concert in the Church Hall

A concert will soon be scheduled in the church hall in a bid to raise funds to build a new Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall.

The original Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall mysteriously disappeared midway through the third set of a reel, during a demonstration by Ruby Hazelnut and her Dancing by Numbers Group on St Andrew’s Day 2007. PC Hugh Dunnett still appeals for witnesses and he would like to remind everyone that even yet a handsome reward awaits the individual who relays information leading to the retrieval of the hall.

When interviewed about the disappearance, Ruby Hazelnut said at the time that she did not suspect that any of her dancers disappeared along with the hall but, as the group appeared to be numerically challenged, it proved impossible to organize a head count.

Ruby Hazelnut issued the following plea. “Could any member of the Dancing by Numbers Group who feels they have been missing, please stand still in the supporting foot position and we shall try to come and find you.”

Meanwhile, the current fund-raising concert will be headlined by two popular artistes. Hamish the Tambourine Man will sing a Bob Dylan song and Albert Ross will play a popular Fleetwood Mac number.

The new Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall committee is also appealing for more artists to donate their talents to raise funds for this charity. If interested, please sign the comments box below detailing your act and we shall try to include you in the show.

NEW YEAR SALE AT THE WOOL SHOP

Grab a bargain.

Doors open at 9 am on Monday January 4th, 2010.

Limited stock - Hand-knitted underpants with three leg holes for the price of two.

10% off Special offer – Suffer from Jock Itch? Try our fast-acting sheep dip. Just wear your hand-knitted woolen underpants in the bath and add a sachet of “Crabs Be Gone” to the water. (Caution – skin irritant. May cause drowsiness. Common side effects include – memory impairment, hair loss, rapid weight gain, chronic flatulence, memory impairment, hair loss, memory impairment, rapid weight gain, memory impairment, chronic flatulence, memory impairment, memory impairment, and memory impairment.)

2010 EVENTS AT THE WOOL SHOP -

New at the wool shop –

Spinning wheel classes. First muddy Sunday in January. Bring your own tyres, clutch and hand brake cable.

Knitting needle exchange programme - No awkward questions asked. Safe disposal box available for used knitting needles. The wool shop needle exchange offers a large range of equipment for many different types of wool use and advice on safer casting-on techniques and harm reduction. Free family pattern planning on request.

Always practice safe knitting!

Remember – if you find a used knitting needle, do not touch it. If it is in a public place PLEASE phone the Wool Shop to arrange to have it picked up. Remember the exact location and if possible stay at the site until the Wool Shop Team arrive.

New Independent News Correspondent

The Highland Island is pleased to announce the recruitment of a new overseas news correspondent, Al Jersey.

Al Jersey Independent News Bulletins will broadcast daily from a secret location, covering news as it happens from the latest war on the island of Rockall.

More on this story later…

Nativity Play - Auditions for Three Wise Men

Rev. Helman Brimstone has contacted me for help. Once again, he’s seeking three wise men for his church nativity play.

Last year, as you know, our minister was unable to find three wise men in his congregation. At the eleventh hour, he was forced to employ the services of three seal lions on loan from Edinburgh zoo.

Although the parishioners were happy to clap along with the seals, the nativity play was totally inaudible due to their barking. Rev. Brimstone also reported that many of the congregation left his church empty handed; disappointed that they hadn’t managed to catch any of the fish being thrown. To make matters worse, a representative from the Health & Safety Executive removed baby Jesus from the manger, as he was not wearing a hard hat. When the Rev. Brimstone filled the empty cradle with six large pieces of freshly filleted haddock, the seals ran amok diving and nudging at Mary and Joseph who stood guard over the cradle.

Tomorrow, we have arranged for the usual representative from MENSA to supervise IQ testing in the church hall, prior to auditions for the three wise men. However, Rev. Brimstone is so keen NOT to utilize the seal lions again that he asked me to publish the MENSA test papers in advance, together with the answers to the questions.

Could anyone interested in becoming a wise man please memorize the following test paper before attending the auditions.

Thank you.

TEST PAPER

Q. 1. Daft Uisdean claims that he invented the wheel, so why is he still an idiot?
A. 1. Because someone else invented the other three?

Q. 2. If going to Rev. Brimstone’s church makes you a Christian, what are you if you go to
Wullie Spanners’ garage?
A. 2. A car.

Q. 3. Why can’t hedgehogs share a hedge?
A. 3. Pass.

Q. 4. What is tonight’s weather forecast on Jean’s radio show?
A. 4. Dark

Q. 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
A. 5. Pass.

Q. 6. Should Big Maggie Ann have another baby after 40?
A. 6. No 40 babies are quite enough.

Q. 7. Why doesn’t Cyril Nosecone show movies on board his planes?
A. 7. You don’t need movies when your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

Q. 8. Why does Murdina the Butcher still get a monthly bill from Woodworm Willie (the
Undertaker) when her husband, Murdo, was buried years ago?
A. 8. She told Willie that she wanted Murdo to look his best, so he rented Murdo a kilt.

Q. 9. If PC Hugh Dunnett and Murdo the Bobby were in a boat and it sunk, how many
policemen would be drowned?
A. 9. Four. Two during the accident and two during the re-enactment.

Q. 10. If all is not lost, where is it?
A. 10. Pass.

TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW!

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

The legendary Shirley Batty will be performing at the marquee tent, down at the ferry terminal on Saturday December 27th at 7.30 p.m.

Shirley Batty’s singing career spans many decades. Her reputation began with a unique rendition of “Hey Big Suspender” down at Sammy’s Airstrip Club, sparking a whip-round when she sang “Where Do I Beg In?” After a few good runs down at Anton’s café with “Prune Baker”, Shirley performed “What Kind of Fuel am I?” outside Wullie Spanners’ garage. Co-starring with Arthur Scargill II in the film ‘Shaft’, they sang “Mine Every Mountain” but it was “Gold Digger” that earned her three faux mink coats, two pairs of MacGucci sunglasses and an all inclusive holiday for sixteen in Fort William.

Tickets available now at the Wool Shop.