ADDRESS TO THE ISLAND, BY WOODWORM WILLIE

My fellow citizens, at this hour, Islanders and Teuchter coalition forces from the mainland are in the early stages of military operations to disarm Skye, to free its people and to defend the West-coasters from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected pubs and off-licenses of drinking importance to undermine Archie Seamus MacLeod’s ability to wage barroom brawls. These are opening stages of what will be a drunken and blurred campaign. More than 35 people are giving crucial support -- from the use of Sammy’s landing strip and the ferry terminal both here and in Ullapool, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of quarter gills. Every teuchter in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.

To all the men, women and village idiots of the Teuchter Armed Forces now in the Minch and the Outer Hebrides, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you. That trust is well placed.

Archie Seamus MacLeod and his band of hostile barmaids will come to know your drinking skill and tall stories. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirits from only the best distilleries. In this conflict, Islanders and Teuchters face an enemy who has no regard for last orders or closing time. Achie Seamus MacLeod has placed his camouflaged barmaids in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and village idiots as shields for his own military -- a final atrocity against the people of Skye.

I want Islanders and all the mainland to know that Teuchter coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent sherry-drinkers from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as Benbecula could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And helping Skye residents achieve a good dram, in clean glasses with free peanuts will require our sustained commitment.

We come to Skye with respect for its pubs, for their great pool tables and for the dartboards they practice on. We have no ambition in Skye, except to remove Grouse whisky, replace it with Isle of Skye and restore control of juke box to its own people.

I know that the families of our Teuchters are praying that all those who serve in the pubs will always continue to give the ‘barman’s nip’. Millions of midges are being sprayed for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the water jugs. For your loss of Archie Seamus MacLeod, you have the gratitude and respect of the Islander communities. And you can know that your husbands might, or might not, be coming home as soon as the pubs are shut.

Our Teuchters enter this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the Islands and our sheep and goats will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of empty bottles, used condoms and cigarette cartons. We will meet that threat now, with our bin bags, brushes, Jeyes disinfectant, and Brillo pads, so that we do not have to meet later with the Ladies Church Guild Cleaning Committee.

Now that Jiff Lemon Dishwashing Liquid has come, the only way to limit its inflamation is to apply Swarfega Hand Cleanser and I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no moisturizer but Nivea!

My fellow Teuchters, the dangers to our islands and to Skye will be overcome. We will pass through the Minch and carry on to Oban. We will defend Uig. We will bring free beer to Raasay and we will prevail.

May God bless the ferry and all who sail in her.