Volunteer Department News

The V.D. (Volunteer Department) on the island seeks new recruits to assist with various projects.

• “Priority assistance is sought to finish laying the runway at Sammy’s new airstrip,” said V.D. spokesperson Woodworm Willie.
  
  Controversy still surrounds the airstrip project, officially known as The Strip Club. “The Strip Club has been inundated with insurance and funding problems, following Cyril Nosecone’s crash, and complaints are still forthcoming from the Ladies’ Church Guild. Since the disappearance of Mad Dolly and her three twin sisters, who were expelled from the Dunvegan Retirement Home for illicit gambling practices and for distilling gin in the hot water bottle cupboard, the Guild still insists that The Strip Club is harboring these refugees from Skye, exploiting the biddies as sex slaves,” said Willie. “Meanwhile, our Strip Club volunteers have been spread thin and we have an approaching completion deadline of March 18th, the day of the local air show.”
  
  He continued, “Over the next few days, we need muscular guys to help expand the V.D. by laying and spreading over as many spots as possible along at the Strip Club."

• Clinical trial volunteers are also needed to ingest some of Torquil’s clapdarnach incense cones. “We are currently printing new labels for marketing and we still can’t decide whether to type “Harmful when swallowed” or “Fatal when swallowed,” said Woodworm.

• Lastly, a Time Capsule Project has been proposed by the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, an avid follower of T.V. series Star Trek. “Suggestions are needed for items to be placed inside a time capsule,” said Woodworm Willie. Imaginative suggestions can be given left in the comment section below.
  

Late Announcement ...

The Ladies Church Guild has informed me that Cyril's granny's will has been contested.

It appears that the coat his granny knit, in the barn, may not have been Cyril's to sell up on yonder crag. Until the probate case and the frozen assets of 'one buck' resolves, there will be no winner of the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.

And the winner is ...

Cyril Nosecose has won the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.

The judges agreed that Farquar Bogg's poem was imaginative, but the ladies of the baking committee at the church guild have been protesting with banners outside the woolshop today - "Down with HP sauce additives". The ladies of the sheep protection league of the church guild have also been protesting. They demand that sheep wool must be removed from the sheep before knitting, and so Maggie Ann's poem has been disqualified, also.

So, well done Cyril. Here is his poem -

"I stood upon yonder Crag
To sell the coat my granny knit
In a barn
To see if I could make a buck."

Unfortunately, all the prizes fell off the back of the delivery lorry, on their way to the judging committee, so I am donating 10 buckets of turnips for the 1st Annual Poetry Competition prize.

Cyril, let me know when you want to collect your neeps.

Daft Uisdean spotted!

Jean at the woolshop and my good self have spent all day posting warning signs along the coastal beaches.

Our worse fears have been realized. It is true – Daft Uidean is indeed part amphibian. We had always wondered about his webbed fingers and toes.

The day that Daft Uisdean abandoned, Dougal, his wheelbarrow in the woods, he ran towards the call of the sea. Local reporter, William Watcher, said today in the Island Times, "He only surfaces to flash his underpants and to scare the shell-seekers."

If you see Daft Uisdean, do not approach him.

A handsome reward has been offered for his capture.

1st Annual Poetry Competition

Submissions are invited to enter the island's "1st Annual Poetry Competition."

This year’s subject is “Sheep”.

Rules –

The poem should be no longer than 16 lines and must include at least 4 of the following 6 rhyming words – Ghillie, Knit, Barn, Crag, Buck, and Venus.

Entries to be submitted in the comments section, below, by 12 noon GMT on March 12th, 2006.

Exciting prizes to be announced at the end of the competition, according to the response.

Good Luck!