Psst! Cyril, look at the this interview I recorded --->
Murdo - Sorry, I’m late. I had to pump up the back tyre of my bicycle, before catching the ferry over.
PC Hugh Dunnett – That’s okay Murdo. Before we begin, can I interest anyone in a relaxing cucumber bubble bath, some pile cream or a bitty of dental floss?
Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Whit? What kindae polis station is this? Are ye no gonnae gie us a doin’ in the cells, eh? Bunch ah jessies the lot ay ye, back in Fife the polis’d gie ye a good kickin’, throw ye in the cells wi’ some radgde so ye could have annuther good fight and then gie ye breakfast in the mornin. Braw, eh?
PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Can you state your full name, date of birth and address?
Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Mah name’s Hamish Shanks, only folk call me Hamish the bearded clam diver on account o’ ma big gingar beard, ken? An’ ahm a diver too, ken? Fur clams an’ that, ken? Ah live in mah trusty wee dive van an’ ahm no tellin’ ye mah age, it’s no polite tay be askin’ a gadge that, eh? Braw.
PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Occupation?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ahm a diver ya doss wee muppet. You no listnin, eh?
PC Dunnett - Tell me how you began your career.
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah wiz in the army, ken? Para’s. Fell on ma heed too many time’s so ah figgured ah needed another career so ah became a diver, eh? Braw. Got the idea affay ma sister, she’s a diver too, at least ah think she is, eh? She gets money fur wearing rubber doon the docks, eh? Braw.
PC Dunnett - Tell me what a typical dive entails.
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Normally soberin up enough tae drive mah trusty wee van tae the job, eh? Then ah just blow bubbles an’ that. There wuz that time when ah had tae dae battle wi’ one ah they big fish wi’ the big flashy eyes affay Stingray, ken? He wuz ah big mean bugger an’ ah had tae put the heed in im a few times before ah kilt im. Turns out ah had the wrong gas in mah bottle, ken? Ah had ah good laught wi’ the doctors aboot that one, eh? Well a did when ah came oot ah the coma, eh? Braw.
PC Dunnett - What happened, while you were diving, on the day of April 23rd, 2006? What did you find in the salmon fishing nets?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Well ah saw yon gadge an’ ah thout tae mahsel’ it wuz a corpse, ken?
PC Dunnett lays out some photographs. There’s a photo of Torquil, one of me, one of the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, one of Cyril, Anton the Chef, Farquar Bogg and one of Daft Uisdean.
PC Dunett – Do you recognise “yon gadge” that you thought to yourself “it wuz a corpse?”
Hamish the bearded clam diver points to Daft Uisdean’s picture, as being the corpse-like person that he saw tangled in the fishing nets.
PC Dunnett – What happened when you saw this man [Daft Uisdean]?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - ah followed the rules in the divers handbook and searched his person fae ah wallet, wedding ring, rolex, car keys, earrings, gold teeth, nipple rings, prince albert, ye ken the sortay stuff, eh?
PC Dunnett – Was this to identify the body?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Oh, eh, aye, fur that.... Aye... Anyways, ah’d done mah search and found nothing of any value at all officer, none. Definitely no a wallet wi money in it. Phew! It’s affy hot in here, eh? Anyways then ah saw the bugger move an’ ah damn near filled ma kecks eh!
PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uisean] resist when you cut it free from the salmon nets?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - No as much as when ah tried tae take his gold fillings – eh, purely tae identify him, ken?
PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uidean] say anything to you when you both surfaced from the water?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? All ye’s speak dead funny round here, eh?
PC Dunnett - What happened to him [Daft Uisdean] then?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - He just swam off, eh? Ah didnae even git the chance tae have a good fight wi im, ken?
PC Dunnett - Was it [Daft Uisdean] wearing underpants when you found it?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? Ah wuz more worried about the state o’ ma own, ken?
PC Hugh Dunnett - Finally, Hamish, are you familiar with a person named Cyril Nosecone, and do you know anything about a life insurance claim that he made on the death of his son, Daft Uisdean Nosecone?
Hamish the bearded clam diver - No, can ah git mah doin’ now, eh? Braw.
Cyril, you'd better return that insurance money, NOW! They're on to you.
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5 comments:
What does the colour coding in the names mean? Why is Hamish in pink and Hugh in green?
It's very simple, wilb. Blue for Murdo because he's one of the boys in blue. Green for PC Dunnett because he's very partial to cucumber. Pink for Hamish because he's a clam diver.
Am I in trouble???
Not to worry, Cyril, I have a couple of options for you -
a) I found a one way ticket to Angola, West Africa, that you can have. It was in my right-foot sock drawer.
b) Gaylord, down at Betty Morag's hair salon, has offered to give you a make-over complete with red highlights, and you could ask Hamish the bearded clam diver to rearrange your features (he loves a good fight, it seems). We could change your name and hide you.
Psst..Torquil,
I flew in last night under cover of darkness - I believe in a thing called love just listen to the rythmn of my heart. Anyway - I had to use one of those big giant fishin nets covered with leaves and stuff that ye see in old John Wayne war movies to cover the plane. Angolas off cos I need to be in Greece for the weekend as one of my songs has been shortlisted for the Eurovision Song Contest. Tell the Insurance man that I only claimed Third Party Fire and Theft and as yet Uisdean has not been returned so he must be stolen? I'm working on a new movie at the moment - Da Highway Code. Its all aboot a man who tries to decode the radio of a 2003 Vauxhall Vectra and cannea do it withoot setting off the dog alarm inside the motor. Anyhow - it turns out that amid all the caper he finds oot that his mrs is havin a bit of "hows yer father is your mother still workin" in the back seat while he's at work. Then a secret message arrives saying - Give way to bus when leaving stop and whats the stopping distance if you go forty mile and hour. He gets all confused and gives up on the radio until someone tells him that he needs to do his theory test and then he realises he can't do a three point turn and it all ends in disaster.....
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