Dear Readers and Listeners,
"I think there's someone practicing voodoo on the island," said Jean, when I talked to her after church yesterday. "I keep getting these prickles all over me, so I do, and I'm having awful bad luck with meeting deadlines for the radio show."
When I asked her what sort of prickle she was feeling these days, Jean said, "It's hard to explain. First I feel an "ouch," followed by an "oooo" and then it sort of goes "goodness gracious me" and it ends up with me saying "I think I'll be putting a wee bitty less Dandelion and Burdock into my cooking whisky tonight," and Jean finally admitted, "then I get myself a wee bitty of a hang-over in the morning, so I do."
I asked Jean why she thought her feeling prickles was due to someone practicing voodoo, and she said, "Because I found this stuffed rag doll down at the ferry terminal, covered in safety pins."
P.C. Hugh Dunnett, Woodworm Willie and myself were on the case straight away. We applied to the northern constabulary on the mainland for a grant and opened a mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal (compliments of Sammy's Porta-Potties Ltd.) and we placed the stuffed rag doll, with the safety pins still inserted, outside as bait. Hugh, Willie and myself then sat inside the incident room, waiting for an incident. (Willie had drilled some peep holes in the side wall of the incident room, just like he does in the joke coffins on his April 1st funerals.)
Well right enough, we saw someone saunter along the jetty holding a fresh box of safety pins.
On the count of three, Hugh, Willie and I pounced on the occultist. Hugh confiscated the pins and slapped on the cuffs, Willie slammed him on the head with a bottle of embalming fluid “Take that!” and I took a photo, for crime scene evidence.
Well, it was none other than Daft Uisdean, looking for his rag doll, Boo.
“Where’s my Boo?” said the Daft boy.
“Boo Who?” said P.C. Dunnett.
We’d never seen a grown policeman cry before, but when Daft Uisdean told him that Boo’s ear was falling off and when Uisdean explained how he’d used safety pins to keep Boo’s ear on, P.C. Dunnett cried, “How am I going to explain to the northern constabulary on the mainland that the funding for the incident room was all in vain?”
Meanwhile, Jean’s shingles are still in recovery, so, yet again, there will be a delay in the second radio show.
Yours truly
Torquil
P.S. Cyril, How can we stop your Daft Uisdean from feeding cheese to his computer mouse? Its 'all gunked up' and his mouse pad smells like his feet!
5 comments:
I know Torquil, I know, he's been like that since he removed the mouses balls some time last year. He wanted to know how the mouse got around his mouse pad without legs or without tearing the wee pad. I think its guilt ma self. I'll buy him a laptop where he only has to use his finger. If you put paint on the end of it and tell him to draw a picture he'll get the principle. Oh I'm thinkning of getting a DNA test done cos I have my doubts about the boy and think I could be wrong. Could you get Jean to broadcast on the radio that all men should provide a sample and leave it in a box and I'll get TNT or DHL to collect the DNA ASAP
please tell me what the problem is. I come into work today and I prepare lunch for everyone and people come and ask me for something different so they ask me what is on da menu and I say Spam. Spam with everything today....they all left!
I'll tell Jean about the DNA tests, Cyril. Do you think we should have everyone test for rising damp, too? I have a meter.
Anton, I have an idea that might help. Jean could do a cooking feature on Lovely Day Radio to undo recipes. You could seperate all the ingredients again of, say, a cooked dish of lasagne, so that we end up with seperate dry goods, cheese, milk, mince, spices, etc. again. Then, once people saw all the ingredients that went into making spam, when you undo a spam recipe, they might be more excited.
Personally, I can't wait to see all the ingredients of spam.
Torquil,
As always you are absolutely right. Check the inside of microwave overns cos the inside door of mine was dripping this morning after I did my eggs, there's damp coming from somewhere. I'm thinking that Lovely Day radio could do an "OB" as they say in broadcasting parlance. It means you take the studio "oot" to do what is usually referred to as an "outside broadcast", its a bit like the preachers with their wee megaphones except you broadcast all over the place. I was thinking jean could do one from the hospital or mortuary or the jail what do ya think.
I believe shes already done her OB for the second show but maybe we could get her to do an OB on rising damp for programme 3.
Cyril, could you be giving me a lift in your jet the next time your flying near Beijing? I have a wee order of clapdarnach inscence sticks I'd like to drop off to my cousin, Lee Hu Chin. I'm doing a swap, some clapdarnach inscence sticks for a rickshaw. You see, I'm planning to start up a taxi service down at the ferry terminal, for the tourists.
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