PC Hugh Dunnett was called upon to break up a cat fight between the twelve contestants of The Bachelor competition. Reinforcements were summonsed from the mainland, by carrier crow, but not only was Magnus’ back tyre flat on his police bike again, but he was nowhere to be found. The cat fight was, consequently, left for the island’s solitary policeman, PC Hugh Dunnett, to defuse single-handedly.
A spokes person from the hospital on the mainland said that injuries were not considered life threatening -- PC Hugh Dunnett has two black eyes; Barbara was treated for a further puncture; Florrie, for a broken middle finger; Agnes Joy’s gussets were in a twist; while, meantime, Lilian had eaten the pop up version of the Kama Sutra. Other injuries include bruises, asphyxiation, and cracked ribs when Helga and Gertie sat on some of their fellow contestants.
Winnifred and Moonbeam have been held for further questioning, under the Terrorism Act 2000, and Nancy gave a statement to say that she has hired the services of eight twirling dervishes whose spinning, she claims, will throw the earth off its axis unless Kevin Spacey agrees to her alimony payments. PC Hugh Dunnett said there was also something extremely fishy about Jessie Mary.
It is claimed, however, that it was Big Maggie Ann that threw the first punch, puncturing Barbara with her tooth, in a fit of competitive jealousy over her beau, Crawford Minty. “Minty is mine!” she shouted, as she leapt into the midst of the preening dainty dozen.
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Bunty Minty here,Crawfords mum - that wee minx Moonbeam's just after Crawfords WW2 Amphibious Personnel Carrier, I hope PC Dunnett gives her a good seeing to with his truncheon, & EVERYBODY knows Winnifred's really the Island's UPSDID (Undercover Police Sniffer Dog In Disguise) so take it from me they're BOTH out of the contest, I'll tell Crawford that too when he gets back.(He's down at the phone box taking a note of all the nice polish ladies phone numbers, in case they get blown away or lost or anything.
OH what a pity the contest ended like this. Eh I was wondering Torquil if MInty could give me the number of one of the polish ladies as I've been needing someone to polish my hall floor and worktops, maybe do a wee bit of ironing as well on Tuesdays when I'm out.
Woa! Hold on a minute! ah would just like to point out that Barbara is a FLOTATION AID and nothing else! Well, Ah maybe use her to relieve the stress from my back while ah'm sleeping - but nothing else! Braw.
Hello there. I was chust wondering if anybody got any pictures of the catfight so I was? Purely for educational purposes and for the local news. I'll pay £10 to anyone that does so I will but put them in a wee brown envelope and dinnae tell the wife....
Hello Torquil,could you please tell Cyril that the coastguard informed me all lighthousekeeping duties are now done automatically (likely because the lighthousekeepers kept disappearing) - I will however tell Miss Esandemski of Cyril's possible position.
Hello there Crawford, my good friend and daft eejit. Cyril should be flying over soon on the North Ronaldsay post run so I'll tell him, so I will. Don't worry about the problems at the lighthouse as we already know it's on the blink. Loose connection in the bulb I think. Keeps flashing. How many Polish girls do you think it takes to change a lightbulb, Crawford?
At the risk of racial stereotyping I'd say it would take two Polish ladies to change a lightbulb Torquil - one to flash & another to turn it on? But the lightbulb would need to want to change.
Right you are then, Crawford. Can you organize two of them to row out to the lighthouse and I'll go and ask Wullie Spanners down at the garage if he'll lend them a step ladder.
Must dash, the clapdarnachs are boiling over and mother is wanting the pan back for tonight's stovies.
Torquil - we have a problem -
Someone has stolen the Lighthouse.
It was there yesterday morning and its gone now...not a brick not a sausage not a foghorn not a bulb, nothin. I'm off to see if I can borrow one from one of the other islands.
Hello my friends, Wullie Spanners here, just a wee intermail to let you know theres a slight problem with the stepladder. You'll have to have a word with the meinister Rev Brimstone who borrowed it to put up the Christmas decorations in the hall in 1969. ... Oh and Torquil, can you please be telling your mother that due to unforseen circumstances I cant make it over for stovies tonight.
Hello there Cyril, my good friend. If your getting a new one, Cyril, can you make sure it has a solid bottom (just like Big Maggie Ann). Sometimes they are just too light, these light houses. Maybe we should be getting a black one, too, since the red and white stripes might be making them a tad too easy for the burglars to spot. I can't believe they took Murdina's sausages, too.
How's the funding coming on for the new musical - what's it called again?
Hello there Wullie Spanners my good friend. Sorry to hear that the Rev. took the ladder. I remember now, it was the big illuminated fairy that he was trying to position. Every Christmas, he's always trying to get it up, is the Rev. Aye and that '69 was a bad one for the poor Rev, but I'll be telling him that your needing your ladder back.
You'll have heard about the missing lighthouse, though? Maybe you could keep a look out in case anyone approaches you about a quick respray on a suspect lighthouse, for resale. You'll know if it is the stolen one because there is a faulty bulb that keep blinking.
What nonsense Torquil! The lighthouse isnae missing at all! - Big Maggie Ann & myself were at it only last night.Its Cyril's navigation thats the problem - I think he bought his plane's new "sat nav" from Wullie Spanners,it doesnt work - the one I bought told me I was in Portree, when I was actually in a ditch near Gairloch.
The bulb's ok too now, I'd borrowed the battery to start Crawford's WW2Amphibious Personnel Carrier, sorry for the mix up!
"Hello? Is that 999? Can I have the coastguard, please?"
"Yes, Hello Coastguard? It's Torquil here. I saw the lighthouse with my own eyes and when I saw it, it was definitely missing, so you are wrong."
"You couldn't have been at it last night with Big Maggie Ann because there was a dance at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall last night and when I saw her there I can assure you she was definitely at it with Woodworm Willie. Ask Cyril. You see Cyril and the Nosecones were there playing their new hit single, "Far away and over the hill, round the bend a bit, turn left, then second right, go on for fifty yards, and I'll meet you there." It is very popular in Madagascar, so it is."
"Sorry, there is someone outside who needs the fire brigade so I'll have to hang up now."
Actually Torquil, we're both right - as soon as Woodworm Willie hopped it after the dance I picked big Maggie Ann up with my chopper (I was on a routine sea bass & halibut protection exercise).
The blinking lighthouse was definately still standing this morning, but you might've missed it as we blew the fuse screwing in the bulb..Where was the fire?
OK - I know a missing lighthouse when I don't see one - ok. Its no there and I've been trying to see if there is a new lighthouse anywhere where there wasn't one before. Can we put a plea out to any sea captains to look out for extra flashes on the shoreline where there were no flashes before - can i ask that all car owners refrain from flashing their lights until we solve this mystery. Now I've a gig to organise - so lets be serious for a moment - a lighthouse going missing isn't funny.
I think I'm with you there, Cyril. That coastguard mannie is all at sea sometimes. The last time I saw the lighthouse it wasn't there, either. Now if anyone sees flashing at the ferry terminal then that would just be Daft Uisdean flashing his underpants at the tourists again, so disregard that area on your search.
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