Farquar Bogg hits out at Michael MacAspel

During last night's six o'clock news, an urgent plea hailed from Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department. "Could everyone please switch off their JCB engines and listen," he shouted.



A quiet hush spread across the highland island. No one had ever seen Farquar so agitated before.


"Thanks to Michael MacAspel's offer to value pieces of antique roads, the island has been stripped completely barren of its entire transportation infrastructure – in short,” he shouted, “there are no roads leading from or going anywhere.”

While the patrons of the bar down at the ferry terminal could be heard cheering and calling for a lock-in, phone calls began to flood into the local emergency services from distressed islanders in need of assistance.

A furious Big Maggie Ann dialed the local police station to say that the post van, stranded on the north side of the island, contained her eBay purchases and, in particular, she needed the ‘Full set of dentures – BNWTs (Brand New with Tobacco stains)', for a date tonight.

Local funeral home director, Woodworm Willie, telephoned the mortuary to report that the hearse, complete with deceased occupant, was stuck in the middle of a hump-backed bridge, and if the high evening temperature did not drop he would be forced to lower the corpse by rope into the cool of the river below.

“The biggest catastrophe,” Farquar claimed, “is down at the ferry terminal, where enormous mountains of tarmac have been dumped.” He shook an angry fist in the air. “As chairman of the local Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, I demand that next Sunday’s filming of the Antique Road Show is cancelled. Michael MacAspel should be held accountable for the mayhem he has caused.”

The incoming evening ferry turned back to the mainland, as landing proved impossible.

Antique Road Show

The island’s own Michael MacAspel will be hosting another outdoor Antique Road Show, to be filmed on Sunday August 30th at 3 p.m. down at the Ferry Terminal.

Anyone with any pieces of antique roads are invited to bring them along for valuation, including drove roads, yellow brick roads, roman roads, fender roads, zara or gary roads, rolling roads, or take me home country roads.

During the commercial break, by kind permission of PC Hugh Dunnett, a dangerous cycle path will be on view outside the padded cell behind police station.

Entry is free but please register your exhibits in advance by logging them in the comments section below.

Looking for a good read?

The ladies of the church guild knitting circle propose the following book recommendation.

‘Disappearance of a Sheep Masseur’ by Torquil Mor

Synopsis – Can you really make a sheep talk using the ancient highland art of sheep massage? Sponge Bath Square Bob has an unusual talent. A geriatric nurse to trade, through sheep massage he can also enter the minds of the flock and persuade them to divulge the latest hot gossip.

What do the sheep tell him that leads to his mysterious disappearance?

P.C. Hugh Dunnett embarks on a course of Indian head massage and Woodworm Willie learns the art of reflexology in a race against time to decipher random bleats. Can they gather enough clues to find Sponge Bath Square Bob before they call last orders at the local pub? And what secrets are the sheep so eager to protect?


Book reviews by some members of the church guild knitting circle –

Annie (Trombone player with the Glenpuddle and Monroe First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862).

“I began to read this book while on tour with Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers. I’m still on page two as I have a question: do you think Sponge Bath Square Bob removes his blue Marigold gloves before he begins the sheep massage?”

Ruby Hazelnut (Dance instructor with the Dancing by Numbers Group)

“Thrilling book! I am so enthralled by this read that I am currently numbering a choreography sequence so that my dance group can interpret a sheep massage through dance. We will be using both No. 1 left and No. 2 right hands in backward rotating motions, together with hand stands and cartwheels in order to portray this ancient art. The dance will end with the sacrifice of a goat, up on Ben Doon, in order symbolize the loss of Sponge Bath Square Bob.”

Maggie Ann MacPhee offered numerous additional critiques, spontaneously calling out from the back of the room during the course of the book review session. Unfortunately, due to censorship of the vulgarity, none of these comments can be published and the book review committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette syndrome, adding a bottle of Blue Nun to her IV drip for safe measure.

Julio Fernando asked Torquil Mor if he could have a copy of the book translated into Spanish for his mother in Mexico City.

Ewe Tube Clip – Racial Segregation in the Flock

When Torquil’s Blackface flock excluded poor Isobel the Icelandic sheep from their patch of grass again, reporter Donachie Redburn the sheep, from Ewe Tube, set out to interview his fellow Blackfaces.

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Donachie calls out to the flock - “Hello over there! Hi, Sheilagh. Good morning, Declan, Dave, Dermot, Big Dougal and Deirdre.”

General muttering from all – “Quick, look busy. Eat some grass.”

Donachie approaches Big Dougal first – “Dougal, is it true that you’ve excluded Isobel the Icelandic sheep from the flock?”

Big Dougal looks over to Declan and Dave, with a very sheepish expression – “Baa!”

Donachie – “Aw come on Big Dougal. Don’t play innocent with me.”

Big Dougal moves away and the rest of the sheep tag on behind in single file – “Baa!”

Donachie, remembering that he’s an intellectual sheep, musters every last ounce of energy and fights an incredible urge to fall into line and blindly follow them. Once he regains strength, he turns his attention to Isobel the Icelandic sheep – “Hello Isobel. Welcome to the flock. Glad to see that you’re settling in around here. How do you like living on the highland island?”

Isobel – “Baah! Baah! Baah!”

Donachie – “Ah, sorry Isobel, I . . . eh . . . don’t speak Icelandic.”

Isobel shouts – “BAAH! BAAH! BAAH!”

Donachie startles so much that he forgets his breeding and trots off after the Blackface flock – “Baa!”

(Editor’s note – this translates as “Wait for me guys!”)

Police announce crime scene reconstruction

Following a serious case of arson, where a notable building on the island was destroyed, PC Hugh Dunnett has announced that a crime scene reconstruction will take place down by the ferry terminal at 10.00 pm on Friday 14th August, 2009.

He is appealing for help from the general public to provide donations of petrol, firelighters, home-made napalm incendiary devices, WWII hand grenades, cluster bombs, flamethrowers and matches, together with any excess wood, nails and building tools required to rebuild a replica of the notable building. A charity raffle will be held to decide who lights the match at the crime scene reconstruction, with proceeds being donated to the ladies’ church guild knitting circle.

Meanwhile, please take a careful look at the ashes pictured below. If anyone can recognize the notable building from these ashes, please call the local police station, as PC Dunnett has not yet been able to identify the notable building or its location.