Location sought for new Super Inn Junction

Discussions have commenced over a new Super Inn junction.

Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, and Coinneach Crow, of the Highland Island’s Roads and Planning Department, are meeting at a secret location in the back room of Murdina’s butcher shop.

Super Inn spokespersons, B&B Knightly, said, “We don’t have a Super Inn on the Highland Island, so we are clueless as to why they are building a junction.”

“This comment raises a high degree of suspicion,” said, local undertaker, Woodworm Willie. “I suspect that the enforced gagging order over the emptying of the Gents’ Toilet bucket might be responsible. Due to all the gagging, people are unable to say whether we currently have a Super Inn on the island or not and until this is verified we feel that we should go ahead with a junction.”

The new junction is reportedly being flown in by The Nosecone Transportation Group of Companies, on board an Airbus Super Transporter.

Company Director, Cyril Nosecone, who continues to circle overhead at a steady altitude of 4,000 feet, said, “I don’t know how much longer I can hold the plane on this course. She’s running low on fuel. I need to know where you want me to deliver the Super Inn junction.”

*BREAKING NEWS*

Reports are coming in that Daft Uisdean has misplaced the Gents' Toilet down at the ferry terminal. He is not available for comment.

The toilet has been described as durable plastic, black in colour, with a metal handle and a rim circumference of about 12 inches. It is not clear at this point whether it was full.

When asked if the toilet had been stolen, P.C. Hugh Dunnitt would only say, “I have nothing to go on.”

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Official Apology from The Trading Standards' Commission

11th May, 2011

Torquil Mor
Clapdarnach Croft
The Highland Island

Dear Mr. Mor,

Trading Standards’ Representative – Clipboard Cathal

We regret to inform you of a recent administration error, resulting in the early departure of our representative, Clipboard Cathal, from the Highland Island.

Our representative was instructed to adopt the disguise of Detective ‘Sherlock’ Holmes. However, due to poor mobile reception in your area, Clipboard Cathal mistakenly adopted the persona of Pornographic Actor, ‘John’ Holmes, (aka Johnny Wadd).

We apologise for this misunderstanding, and regret any embarrassment caused to the ten polish ladies, distracted from their cleaning duties inside Daft Uidean’s shed.

I hope we can come to some mutually beneficial, out of court, settlement. Meantime, I encourage all Highland Island residents to address their concerns to me in writing.

Yours truly,

Nigel Piles

Warning - Clipboard Cathal is coming!

Dermott, from MacBrainy Ferries, phoned to warn us about the purchase of a specific return ticket to the island. The ticket holder will arrive here Monday 9th May, 2011, and his passage was booked by The Trading Standards Commission. The Highland Island Hotel corroborates a 3-night-stay booking, for dinner, bed and breakfast, also made by The Trading Standards Commission. This means that Clipboard Cathal will be back prowling around the island.

As yet, we don’t have agreement as to what disguise Clipboard Cathal will employ this year, but Wee Betty at The Bookies offers the following odds.

5-1 Sherlock MacHolmes
7-1 Dick MacTracy
10-1 MacKojak
15-1 MacIronside
25-1 Eric the Buffalo

As usual, here is the checklist.

The Highland Island Hotel - Please ensure that all clapdarnach cooking whiskies are removed from the optics and replaced with legal distillery brands.

The Woolshop – Check all yarn and remove stray clapdarnachs.

Murdina the Butcher – Remove all clapdarnachs from the mincer.

Woodworm Willie Undertaker - Remember last year’s ruling of one body per casket. Also, remove all clapdarnach wine and refill bottles with regular embalming fluids.

Spanners’ Garage – Re-type Daft Uisdean’s City and Guilds Certificate, replacing the word ‘Maniac’ with Mechanic.

We will keep you updated with further warnings as soon as we have more information.

Is this Eric?

According to the ladies of the Free Church Knitting Guild, Eric emigrated. Is this Eric posing in the raw for dollar bills?

Knitting Guild spokesperson, Hughina-Williamina, said, "Local MacPaparazzi photographer, Kenny the Flasher, also claims to have caught images of Eric and Hilda bording the ferry in a sporty, blue Aston Martin, registration number EBY 776J. Kenny said that there was no mistaking Eric, who was driving, but Hilda was harder to identify due to a white wedding veil, which covered her face."