Sunday, April 15, 2012
Lighthouse Vanishes Again
If anyone has any information about the recent disappearance of the lighthouse, again, please contact PC Hugh Dunnett.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Extracts from Monday's Highland Island News
Sponge Bath Square Bob has opened a new sauna at the rear of Wullie Spanners' garage. Early reports are positive, saying that many islanders are lying steaming outside the garage.
Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.
Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.
Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.
Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.
Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.
Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.
Friday, April 06, 2012
Chinese Whispers
I have been asked to read a statement to clear up a small misunderstand, on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away Van, parked at the ferry terminal.
(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.
Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.
But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"
According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners
But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.
“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"
And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)
Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.
“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”
(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.
Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.
But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"
According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners
But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.
“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"
And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)
Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.
“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Local Job Centre - Positions Vacant
Vacant Position - Shepherd Spy
Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.
Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.
Seasoning will be provided.
Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.
Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.
Seasoning will be provided.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
Seamus Snotterach , dietician and author of “The Stravagan Diet”, has popped in for a wee cuppa tea and to offer some suggestions for Valentine’s Day gifts.
“Hello there Seamus Snotterach, and how’s yersell today?”
“Aye, I’m grand, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ve got one or two ideas for the discerning gentleman to give to his lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Would you like me to read through the list?”
“Fire away there, Seamus, but before you begin, I can’t help noticing that yer getting awful thin, yerself. Are you getting enough protein, since you’ve started this new 'Stravagan Diet' fad?”
“Och aye, dinnae forget that I’m a Snotterach and although we pick away at our greens, there’s plenty protein to be found if you dig deep enough.”
“Very good Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll get a box of tissues for your finger. Meanwhile, you can read your list.”
“Right then. Here’s No.3 on my list – Is your woman a sight for sore eyes? If so then why not buy yourself a wee remedy from www.conjunctivitis.com They have everything from EXTRA DARK GLASSES (so you can be as shifty as you like) to DROPS (either local and not too high, or deep canyons where she’ll never be found).”
“But, do you think these are appropriate gifts for Valentine’s Day, Seamus?”
“Oh definitely, Torquil, I mean Hazy. Now at No.2 on my list – How deep is your love? Why not reserve her plot now at the new Snotterach Bros. Cemetery. We have been working in conjunction with local undertaker, Woodworm Willie, to provide a special range of pink Valentine’s Day head stones. Let her chose her own wording so that you can demonstrate your love by letting her have that all-important final say.”
“But, Seamus don’t you have any things like fine wine, chocolates or flowers on your list?”
“Patience, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’m just getting to the special beverages. At No. 1 on my list – Does she only have eyes for you? Do those eyes bulge or protrude in a staring manner? She might have a condition called Proptosis. If she’s obese, forgetful, and her hair is falling out, too, the most likely reason is an overactive thyroid gland. Unfortunately, in this instance, www.conjunctivitis.com won’t be suitable for gift buying. So, why not visit Clapdarnach Wineries and buy her a bottle of their finest Valentine’s Day pig’s urine, or Cupid’s pregnant-mare’s urine? They are specially made for the fat lady in your life, with a thyroid condition. Please note that this remedy is NOT suitable for vagans, and so I will be selling signed copies of my book “The Stravagan Diet” for a special Valentine’s Day price of £15.99. Cheques can be made payable to Snotterach Bros.”
“Right then, Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for that. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a clean tissue for your finger?”
“No, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ll have to be going now to catch my bus.”
“Hello there Seamus Snotterach, and how’s yersell today?”
“Aye, I’m grand, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ve got one or two ideas for the discerning gentleman to give to his lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Would you like me to read through the list?”
“Fire away there, Seamus, but before you begin, I can’t help noticing that yer getting awful thin, yerself. Are you getting enough protein, since you’ve started this new 'Stravagan Diet' fad?”
“Och aye, dinnae forget that I’m a Snotterach and although we pick away at our greens, there’s plenty protein to be found if you dig deep enough.”
“Very good Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll get a box of tissues for your finger. Meanwhile, you can read your list.”
“Right then. Here’s No.3 on my list – Is your woman a sight for sore eyes? If so then why not buy yourself a wee remedy from www.conjunctivitis.com They have everything from EXTRA DARK GLASSES (so you can be as shifty as you like) to DROPS (either local and not too high, or deep canyons where she’ll never be found).”
“But, do you think these are appropriate gifts for Valentine’s Day, Seamus?”
“Oh definitely, Torquil, I mean Hazy. Now at No.2 on my list – How deep is your love? Why not reserve her plot now at the new Snotterach Bros. Cemetery. We have been working in conjunction with local undertaker, Woodworm Willie, to provide a special range of pink Valentine’s Day head stones. Let her chose her own wording so that you can demonstrate your love by letting her have that all-important final say.”
“But, Seamus don’t you have any things like fine wine, chocolates or flowers on your list?”
“Patience, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’m just getting to the special beverages. At No. 1 on my list – Does she only have eyes for you? Do those eyes bulge or protrude in a staring manner? She might have a condition called Proptosis. If she’s obese, forgetful, and her hair is falling out, too, the most likely reason is an overactive thyroid gland. Unfortunately, in this instance, www.conjunctivitis.com won’t be suitable for gift buying. So, why not visit Clapdarnach Wineries and buy her a bottle of their finest Valentine’s Day pig’s urine, or Cupid’s pregnant-mare’s urine? They are specially made for the fat lady in your life, with a thyroid condition. Please note that this remedy is NOT suitable for vagans, and so I will be selling signed copies of my book “The Stravagan Diet” for a special Valentine’s Day price of £15.99. Cheques can be made payable to Snotterach Bros.”
“Right then, Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for that. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a clean tissue for your finger?”
“No, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ll have to be going now to catch my bus.”
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Island Ferry Springs a Leek
Would the island ferry please return to the terminal, to undergo Health and Safety checks.
It appears that your vessel is springing leeks, which can be collected from the lost property box at the local Police Station.
PC Hugh Dunnett has made the following statement. "Please note that the 'cell by' date on the leek is about to expire."
Sunday, November 20, 2011
NEWSFLASH - Is Woodworm Willie Lost At Sea?
Help?
Is One-legged Woodworm Willie lost at sea? Do we still have a Coastguard Mannie in the house? Or,is Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver at the ready? Does Daft Uisdean have his swimming trunks on, or is he currently bearing his arse to the tourists down at the ferry terminal?
Reply in comments section below -----> Hurry now!
Meanwhile, as you wait for the island's emergency services 999 to wind up their state-of-the-art response telephone... why not read some of Hazy Dizzylady's poems at
http://www.halfbard.blogspot.com
Her latest entries are guaranteed to be inspirationally depressing. Just what we all need while we wait to hear about a possible drowning at sea.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The Stage is Set for the 2011 God-o-vision Song Contest
The response to our God-o-vision song contest has been massive - we now have an entry from all of the polish ladies!
To bring you up to date with the organisation of the event, here is a picture of the newly constructed stage (Built by Messrs Spanners & Nosecone, Inc.)
The God-o-Vision song contest has spared no expense when it comes to Health & Safety. Our Road Traffic Coordinator, Farquar Bogg, has provided state of the art parking facilities for the event.
Deadline for lyric entries is approaching fast! Submit your entry now for the chance of being recorded on record, and sworn to oath by P.C. Hugh Dunnett, whilst on backing vocals -- Magnus the Bobby from the Mainland pumps up the back tyre of his bicycle.
Get writing and submit your lyric anywhere in the comments box. Daft Uisdean has been trained in sniffer dog techniques in order to find it!
To bring you up to date with the organisation of the event, here is a picture of the newly constructed stage (Built by Messrs Spanners & Nosecone, Inc.)
The God-o-Vision song contest has spared no expense when it comes to Health & Safety. Our Road Traffic Coordinator, Farquar Bogg, has provided state of the art parking facilities for the event.
Deadline for lyric entries is approaching fast! Submit your entry now for the chance of being recorded on record, and sworn to oath by P.C. Hugh Dunnett, whilst on backing vocals -- Magnus the Bobby from the Mainland pumps up the back tyre of his bicycle.
Get writing and submit your lyric anywhere in the comments box. Daft Uisdean has been trained in sniffer dog techniques in order to find it!
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
God-o-Vision 2011 will be judged by...
You are cordially invited to submit your lyric entries for The 2011 God-o-Vision Song Contest, the inter-faith competition, hosted by Rev. Helman Brimstone.
The ladies of the church guild knitting/gossip group are currently accepting lyric entries in the following ten categories –
Australian Aboriginal Wool Mythology
Bahá'í Sheep Faith
Buddhist Ewes
Confucianism for Confused Sheep
Gnostic Rams
Henduism for Dyslexic Party Ewes
Islamb
Judaism, according to Judy the Cheviot
Neopagan Black Faced Followers
The Bodhrán–a-ram-a-ding–dong Movement
Closing date for entries is November 30th and the winning entry will be sung by Jean, accompanied by The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862, at…
...wait for it…
...The Highland Island Blog’s 6th Anniversary Year Party Bash, to be held at a special outdoor location on December 1st.
Get writing now and post your entries in the comment box below, stating your name and chosen category.
All judging will be done by God. His decision is final, or else!
(Hanging Gallows will be provided courtesy of Spanners Garage Ltd.)
The ladies of the church guild knitting/gossip group are currently accepting lyric entries in the following ten categories –
Australian Aboriginal Wool Mythology
Bahá'í Sheep Faith
Buddhist Ewes
Confucianism for Confused Sheep
Gnostic Rams
Henduism for Dyslexic Party Ewes
Islamb
Judaism, according to Judy the Cheviot
Neopagan Black Faced Followers
The Bodhrán–a-ram-a-ding–dong Movement
Closing date for entries is November 30th and the winning entry will be sung by Jean, accompanied by The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862, at…
...wait for it…
...The Highland Island Blog’s 6th Anniversary Year Party Bash, to be held at a special outdoor location on December 1st.
Get writing now and post your entries in the comment box below, stating your name and chosen category.
All judging will be done by God. His decision is final, or else!
(Hanging Gallows will be provided courtesy of Spanners Garage Ltd.)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Special Training Day with Diarrhena MacMorbid
In the interest of assisting Highland Islanders to manage their daily lives, navigate relationships, and solve personal problems, a representative from the Highland Island Social Work’s Stalking Department will be available to tutor you on the advantages of Sheep Stalking Hats.
Similar to the Deer Stalking Hat (pictured here)…
… the Sheep Stalking Hat (pictured here)…
fits on your head, but also allows complete ambiguity.
Do you know someone in crisis? Need to keep tabs on 'that special someone that got away’? Why not let the Department’s expert stalker Diarrhena MacMorbid instruct you on the benefits of stalking them, while protecting your anonymity by dressing as a sheep.
Need to stalk the postman by day or a polish lady by night? No problem. Let Diarrhena MacMorbid provide the perfect mystery and vagueness that only training in sheep stalking hats can bring.
Remember – the Highland Island Social Work Department is here to help you through your relationship crisis, in the most professional manner possible.
Next week, Diarrhena MacMorbid will guide you through the A-Z of anonymous phone calls, while wearing the Sheep Stalking Hat.
Similar to the Deer Stalking Hat (pictured here)…
… the Sheep Stalking Hat (pictured here)…
fits on your head, but also allows complete ambiguity.
Do you know someone in crisis? Need to keep tabs on 'that special someone that got away’? Why not let the Department’s expert stalker Diarrhena MacMorbid instruct you on the benefits of stalking them, while protecting your anonymity by dressing as a sheep.
Need to stalk the postman by day or a polish lady by night? No problem. Let Diarrhena MacMorbid provide the perfect mystery and vagueness that only training in sheep stalking hats can bring.
Remember – the Highland Island Social Work Department is here to help you through your relationship crisis, in the most professional manner possible.
Next week, Diarrhena MacMorbid will guide you through the A-Z of anonymous phone calls, while wearing the Sheep Stalking Hat.
Long Range Weather Forecast
All indications point to a harsh winter ahead, as mainland sheep gather by local clothing points, waiting for handouts of extra woollens.
Stay tuned for more weather updates.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
House and Business For Rent
House and clapdarnach production business for rent on The Highland Island. Length of lease will be 12 months.
This raised, open-plan accomodation, with spacious porch, is finished to a high standard and packed with unique character. Available now for immediate entry.
Owner is living undercover in mainland Shieldaig, working as a polish lady in the hotel. Therefore, when enquiring, in order to prevent suspicion, please ask for Hazy Dizzylady, not Torquil.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Spanners’ Family Circus
Once again, Wullie’s cousin twice removed, Bullie Spanners, and his family circus, is coming to the Highland Island.
The Motorbike Stunt Display Team – This year Bullie’s stunt team will be riding the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes, which run entirely on human feces. Bullie’s second cousin, twice removed, Wullie Spanners is currently welding toilet roll holders to the bikes’ handle bars. Gas masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the engines fire up.
A practitioner will be on hand outside in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent for therapy or to discuss outbreaks of Defecaloesiophobia or Coprophobia or Proctophobia or Rectophobia.
The Non-Clowns (We Are Not Clowns, We Are Painted Drag Queens) - Once again the Non-Clowns will be performing acts totally unsuitable for children. Blindfolds and earplugs for your youngsters will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Big Maggie Ann will be on hand for soothing body massages in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent and where Randy can discuss your outbreaks of Coulrophobia.
Mini Spanners, the trainee taxidermist, and her amazing remote control stuffed trapeze squirrels – See Mini bring her animals back to life in this amazing D.I.Y. performance. Squirrel masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble will play outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent, wearing their squirrel masks, while Randy discusses your therapy needs for Necrophobia.
The Shell Lady and her Performing Oysters – Watch the Shell Lady’s oysters slide down the slimy slope and turn various shades of luminous green before your knife and fork. Sick bags will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Farquar Bogg of the Rumba Dancing and Sanitation Department will be handing out health questionaires outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent. Randy will be available to discuss your Myxophobia or Blennophobia needs.
Cyril Nosecone’s Air Display Plane - Cyril's plane will perform a tandem fly-over at Sammy’s airfield. Daisy Daisy has agreed to man the pedals aboard the front cockpit, whilst Cyril assumes rear gunner position with his feet up at the back. Hopefully, Daisy Daisy will give Cyril her 'answer do' to stop him going half crazy. Biggles helmets available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
The Reykjavik Disco Dancing Display Team will be rehearsing in spandex at Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while he gives a talk on Nephophobia, Pteromerhanophobia, Aeronausiphobia and Aviophobia.
Finally...
Fiona and her Dancing Paintings - Roll Up! Roll Up! Fiona will perform a reprint of Monet, Monet, Monet. Now that she has perfected the watermark on all notes, Fiona will be taking orders for her Monet, Monet, Monet, and Big Maggie Ann has agreed to clean the big porcelain sink for laundering purposes. Please note – Maggie Ann can only guarantee laundry drying conditions during, a) north winds or, b) provided The Motorbike Stunt Display Team manage to create sufficient wind power with the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes. Currency convertors available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Local gallery owner Muddy Brown will be protesting outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while Randy treats Mr Brown for his Ancraophobia, Chrometophobia and Chrematophobia.
Lounge music is provided by the female folk act 'The Sweaty Couch Sleepers'. - The women are guaranteed to screach you sensless with their new CD 'Stained Old Couches'. Plukey Folk Magazine says, "Their monotone singing and expressionless faces, howling halitosis, and fusty underpants, together with buckets of hair grease, will help you slide off into dreamland as they gather in a circle and play to each-other because no one else cares to listen to their [yawn], self-indulgent [yawn, double-yawn], but educational [giant yawn], folky [I'm really sleepy now] songs about couches [Zzzzzzzzz], so memorable that....okay I forget what the song is about. [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] ...And, as you cover your ears, you'll agree that only 'OUCH!" could rhyme with couch."
Registered Fault Code No. 513-6b2h - High Volume - Unfortunately, the phobia tent is unable to cope with the high queue demand due to numerous greasy folk singers squatting on Randy Parahandy MacAndy's couch. Please call back later.
Daft Uisdean will close the evening's performance by brushing the sweat and sawdust off the floor.
So, Roll up everyone and let's get on with the fabulous and exciting Spanners' Family Circus, with tonight's Master of Ceremonies, Woodworm Willie!
Weather Flash
Due to dark skies, hail and heavy rain we regret that The Highland Island and the Scottish Mainland will have no weather today.
Wait…sorry, Jean has just informed me that she’s found some weather on our satellite after all. She's currently zooming in.
Amidst the dark clouds, there is a small block of primrose yellow currently shining through from a car park outside a pub in Lockerbie and… Spanners? Big Maggie Annn? What are they doing in…?
Wait…sorry, Jean has just informed me that she’s found some weather on our satellite after all. She's currently zooming in.
Amidst the dark clouds, there is a small block of primrose yellow currently shining through from a car park outside a pub in Lockerbie and… Spanners? Big Maggie Annn? What are they doing in…?
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Public Apology from the Fishmonger
Wattie Watt, The Fishmonger, regrets his recent floundering and inappropriate carping on. He wishes to explain that while he was listening to some sole, the bass on his herring aid knocked out of plaice. He now realises that Big Maggie Ann was asking for a ‘grouper’, and agrees that she was well within her rights to wallop his pollocks.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Monet Monet Monet
As promised, here is the latest entry for Simon Bowel's 'The SP Factor' (sponsored by Clapdarnach Suncreams)
Fiona and Her Paintings will be singing this song, written for the EWE-rovision Song Contest by the famous Swedish Band of Shepherds - BaahBaah.
Take it away Fiona...
MONET, MONET, MONET.
I work all Nast, I paint Dali, De Gas bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too baahd
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy Manet,
I wouldn't have to work Frans Hals, I'd fool around with Andy Warhol...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet.
It's a rich Manets world
A Manet like that is hard to find but I can't get Shinn off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if he happens to be Fairey I bet he wouldn't fancy Ney
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to Gogh
To Leblanc or El Greco
And win a fortune in a Gauguin, my life will never be the Shahn...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet
It's a rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet.
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa.
We now await comments on Fiona and Her Painting's performance by Simon Bowel and his panel of judges.
Transcribed by Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Fiona and Her Paintings will be singing this song, written for the EWE-rovision Song Contest by the famous Swedish Band of Shepherds - BaahBaah.
Take it away Fiona...
MONET, MONET, MONET.
I work all Nast, I paint Dali, De Gas bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too baahd
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy Manet,
I wouldn't have to work Frans Hals, I'd fool around with Andy Warhol...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet.
It's a rich Manets world
A Manet like that is hard to find but I can't get Shinn off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if he happens to be Fairey I bet he wouldn't fancy Ney
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to Gogh
To Leblanc or El Greco
And win a fortune in a Gauguin, my life will never be the Shahn...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet
It's a rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet.
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa.
We now await comments on Fiona and Her Painting's performance by Simon Bowel and his panel of judges.
Transcribed by Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
Success for Hazy Dizzylady
Following the recent recognition of her poetry, Hazy Dizzylady is now officially Bard from the Highland Island (and most of the local pubs).
Hazy's poems are currently being uploaded and can be viewed at http://halfbard.blogspot.com/
Hazy's poems are currently being uploaded and can be viewed at http://halfbard.blogspot.com/
Sale at Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard
In light of the imminent take-over bid of The Highland Island, it is believed that Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard is having a sale – we can’t be sure, though.
Sale items –
Individually fabricated smoke screens, tailored accordingly.
Freshly painted white lies.
The gardening department now delivers economy bags of bull shit.
In the cosmetic department soft soap is rumoured to be cheap.
String-along toys are available for Christmas.
A staff member is always at hand in dodgy knitwear to spin yarns and pull the wool over your eyes for a spectacular fleece.
The artful, crafty and designing department is offering nothing on sale this time around.
In eyewear, Pinocchio can soon have you framed with his buy one for yourself and then buy another for him offer.
Finally, Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard would like to keep quiet about the Giant Whoppers available every lunchtime in the take away van to the rear of the premises. If you don’t eat meat, then Pinocchio can always rustle up something fishy for you. Hot Double-Cross Buns will be available in time for Easter and half-truth portions are readily available for your kids.
Please note that Pinocchio’s Yard is not open for business until 1 pm, due to the necessity of his long lies.
Unfortunately Pinocchio’s phoney number can not be provided due to summer bugs.
More information available about The Highland Island buy-out, and details of new owners, coming soon.
Sale items –
Individually fabricated smoke screens, tailored accordingly.
Freshly painted white lies.
The gardening department now delivers economy bags of bull shit.
In the cosmetic department soft soap is rumoured to be cheap.
String-along toys are available for Christmas.
A staff member is always at hand in dodgy knitwear to spin yarns and pull the wool over your eyes for a spectacular fleece.
The artful, crafty and designing department is offering nothing on sale this time around.
In eyewear, Pinocchio can soon have you framed with his buy one for yourself and then buy another for him offer.
Finally, Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard would like to keep quiet about the Giant Whoppers available every lunchtime in the take away van to the rear of the premises. If you don’t eat meat, then Pinocchio can always rustle up something fishy for you. Hot Double-Cross Buns will be available in time for Easter and half-truth portions are readily available for your kids.
Please note that Pinocchio’s Yard is not open for business until 1 pm, due to the necessity of his long lies.
Unfortunately Pinocchio’s phoney number can not be provided due to summer bugs.
More information available about The Highland Island buy-out, and details of new owners, coming soon.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Rhubarb Murdo's Big Hacking Scandal
The Island’s media mogul, CEO of The Highland Island’s News Corporation, Rhubarb Murdo, has been arrested in connection with a hacking scandal.
As the last edition of News of The Highland Island went to press, Rhubarb Murdo was being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett, down at the police station in connection with several hacking incidents at Murdina’s Butcher Shop.
“I was only trying to help her chip the ice away from the big freezer door,” said Rhubarb Murdo.
The investigation continues…
As the last edition of News of The Highland Island went to press, Rhubarb Murdo was being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett, down at the police station in connection with several hacking incidents at Murdina’s Butcher Shop.
“I was only trying to help her chip the ice away from the big freezer door,” said Rhubarb Murdo.
The investigation continues…
Monday, May 30, 2011
Location sought for new Super Inn Junction
Discussions have commenced over a new Super Inn junction.
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, and Coinneach Crow, of the Highland Island’s Roads and Planning Department, are meeting at a secret location in the back room of Murdina’s butcher shop.
Super Inn spokespersons, B&B Knightly, said, “We don’t have a Super Inn on the Highland Island, so we are clueless as to why they are building a junction.”
“This comment raises a high degree of suspicion,” said, local undertaker, Woodworm Willie. “I suspect that the enforced gagging order over the emptying of the Gents’ Toilet bucket might be responsible. Due to all the gagging, people are unable to say whether we currently have a Super Inn on the island or not and until this is verified we feel that we should go ahead with a junction.”
The new junction is reportedly being flown in by The Nosecone Transportation Group of Companies, on board an Airbus Super Transporter.
Company Director, Cyril Nosecone, who continues to circle overhead at a steady altitude of 4,000 feet, said, “I don’t know how much longer I can hold the plane on this course. She’s running low on fuel. I need to know where you want me to deliver the Super Inn junction.”
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