NEWSFLASH - Is Woodworm Willie Lost At Sea?

Help?

Is One-legged Woodworm Willie lost at sea? Do we still have a Coastguard Mannie in the house? Or,is Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver at the ready? Does Daft Uisdean have his swimming trunks on, or is he currently bearing his arse to the tourists down at the ferry terminal?

Reply in comments section below -----> Hurry now!


Meanwhile, as you wait for the island's emergency services 999 to wind up their state-of-the-art response telephone... why not read some of Hazy Dizzylady's poems at


http://www.halfbard.blogspot.com


Her latest entries are guaranteed to be inspirationally depressing. Just what we all need while we wait to hear about a possible drowning at sea.

The Stage is Set for the 2011 God-o-vision Song Contest

The response to our God-o-vision song contest has been massive - we now have an entry from all of the polish ladies!

To bring you up to date with the organisation of the event, here is a picture of the newly constructed stage (Built by Messrs Spanners & Nosecone, Inc.)

















The God-o-Vision song contest has spared no expense when it comes to Health & Safety. Our Road Traffic Coordinator, Farquar Bogg, has provided state of the art parking facilities for the event.


















Deadline for lyric entries is approaching fast! Submit your entry now for the chance of being recorded on record, and sworn to oath by P.C. Hugh Dunnett, whilst on backing vocals -- Magnus the Bobby from the Mainland pumps up the back tyre of his bicycle.

Get writing and submit your lyric anywhere in the comments box. Daft Uisdean has been trained in sniffer dog techniques in order to find it!

God-o-Vision 2011 will be judged by...

You are cordially invited to submit your lyric entries for The 2011 God-o-Vision Song Contest, the inter-faith competition, hosted by Rev. Helman Brimstone.

The ladies of the church guild knitting/gossip group are currently accepting lyric entries in the following ten categories –

Australian Aboriginal Wool Mythology
Bahá'í Sheep Faith
Buddhist Ewes
Confucianism for Confused Sheep
Gnostic Rams
Henduism for Dyslexic Party Ewes
Islamb
Judaism, according to Judy the Cheviot
Neopagan Black Faced Followers
The Bodhrán–a-ram-a-ding–dong Movement

Closing date for entries is November 30th and the winning entry will be sung by Jean, accompanied by The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862, at…

...wait for it…

...The Highland Island Blog’s 6th Anniversary Year Party Bash, to be held at a special outdoor location on December 1st.

Get writing now and post your entries in the comment box below, stating your name and chosen category.

All judging will be done by God. His decision is final, or else!

(Hanging Gallows will be provided courtesy of Spanners Garage Ltd.)

Special Training Day with Diarrhena MacMorbid

In the interest of assisting Highland Islanders to manage their daily lives, navigate relationships, and solve personal problems, a representative from the Highland Island Social Work’s Stalking Department will be available to tutor you on the advantages of Sheep Stalking Hats.

Similar to the Deer Stalking Hat (pictured here)…


… the Sheep Stalking Hat (pictured here)…


fits on your head, but also allows complete ambiguity.






Do you know someone in crisis? Need to keep tabs on 'that special someone that got away’? Why not let the Department’s expert stalker Diarrhena MacMorbid instruct you on the benefits of stalking them, while protecting your anonymity by dressing as a sheep.

Need to stalk the postman by day or a polish lady by night? No problem. Let Diarrhena MacMorbid provide the perfect mystery and vagueness that only training in sheep stalking hats can bring.

Remember – the Highland Island Social Work Department is here to help you through your relationship crisis, in the most professional manner possible.

Next week, Diarrhena MacMorbid will guide you through the A-Z of anonymous phone calls, while wearing the Sheep Stalking Hat.

Long Range Weather Forecast

All indications point to a harsh winter ahead, as mainland sheep gather by local clothing points, waiting for handouts of extra woollens.

Stay tuned for more weather updates.

House and Business For Rent

House and clapdarnach production business for rent on The Highland Island. Length of lease will be 12 months.

This raised, open-plan accomodation, with spacious porch, is finished to a high standard and packed with unique character. Available now for immediate entry.

Owner is living undercover in mainland Shieldaig, working as a polish lady in the hotel. Therefore, when enquiring, in order to prevent suspicion, please ask for Hazy Dizzylady, not Torquil.

The Spanners’ Family Circus

Once again, Wullie’s cousin twice removed, Bullie Spanners, and his family circus, is coming to the Highland Island.



The Motorbike Stunt Display Team – This year Bullie’s stunt team will be riding the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes, which run entirely on human feces. Bullie’s second cousin, twice removed, Wullie Spanners is currently welding toilet roll holders to the bikes’ handle bars. Gas masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the engines fire up.

A practitioner will be on hand outside in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent for therapy or to discuss outbreaks of Defecaloesiophobia or Coprophobia or Proctophobia or Rectophobia.

The Non-Clowns (We Are Not Clowns, We Are Painted Drag Queens) - Once again the Non-Clowns will be performing acts totally unsuitable for children. Blindfolds and earplugs for your youngsters will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Big Maggie Ann will be on hand for soothing body massages in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent and where Randy can discuss your outbreaks of Coulrophobia.

Mini Spanners, the trainee taxidermist, and her amazing remote control stuffed trapeze squirrels – See Mini bring her animals back to life in this amazing D.I.Y. performance. Squirrel masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble will play outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent, wearing their squirrel masks, while Randy discusses your therapy needs for Necrophobia.

The Shell Lady and her Performing Oysters – Watch the Shell Lady’s oysters slide down the slimy slope and turn various shades of luminous green before your knife and fork. Sick bags will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Farquar Bogg of the Rumba Dancing and Sanitation Department will be handing out health questionaires outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent. Randy will be available to discuss your Myxophobia or Blennophobia needs.

Cyril Nosecone’s Air Display Plane - Cyril's plane will perform a tandem fly-over at Sammy’s airfield. Daisy Daisy has agreed to man the pedals aboard the front cockpit, whilst Cyril assumes rear gunner position with his feet up at the back. Hopefully, Daisy Daisy will give Cyril her 'answer do' to stop him going half crazy. Biggles helmets available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

The Reykjavik Disco Dancing Display Team will be rehearsing in spandex at Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while he gives a talk on Nephophobia, Pteromerhanophobia, Aeronausiphobia and Aviophobia.

Finally...

Fiona and her Dancing Paintings - Roll Up! Roll Up! Fiona will perform a reprint of Monet, Monet, Monet. Now that she has perfected the watermark on all notes, Fiona will be taking orders for her Monet, Monet, Monet, and Big Maggie Ann has agreed to clean the big porcelain sink for laundering purposes. Please note – Maggie Ann can only guarantee laundry drying conditions during, a) north winds or, b) provided The Motorbike Stunt Display Team manage to create sufficient wind power with the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes. Currency convertors available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Local gallery owner Muddy Brown will be protesting outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while Randy treats Mr Brown for his Ancraophobia, Chrometophobia and Chrematophobia.

Lounge music is provided by the female folk act 'The Sweaty Couch Sleepers'. - The women are guaranteed to screach you sensless with their new CD 'Stained Old Couches'. Plukey Folk Magazine says, "Their monotone singing and expressionless faces, howling halitosis, and fusty underpants, together with buckets of hair grease, will help you slide off into dreamland as they gather in a circle and play to each-other because no one else cares to listen to their [yawn], self-indulgent [yawn, double-yawn], but educational [giant yawn], folky [I'm really sleepy now] songs about couches [Zzzzzzzzz], so memorable that....okay I forget what the song is about. [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] ...And, as you cover your ears, you'll agree that only 'OUCH!" could rhyme with couch."

Registered Fault Code No. 513-6b2h - High Volume - Unfortunately, the phobia tent is unable to cope with the high queue demand due to numerous greasy folk singers squatting on Randy Parahandy MacAndy's couch. Please call back later.

Daft Uisdean will close the evening's performance by brushing the sweat and sawdust off the floor.

So, Roll up everyone and let's get on with the fabulous and exciting Spanners' Family Circus, with tonight's Master of Ceremonies, Woodworm Willie!

Weather Flash

Due to dark skies, hail and heavy rain we regret that The Highland Island and the Scottish Mainland will have no weather today.

Wait…sorry, Jean has just informed me that she’s found some weather on our satellite after all. She's currently zooming in.

Amidst the dark clouds, there is a small block of primrose yellow currently shining through from a car park outside a pub in Lockerbie and… Spanners? Big Maggie Annn? What are they doing in…?

Public Apology from the Fishmonger

Wattie Watt, The Fishmonger, regrets his recent floundering and inappropriate carping on. He wishes to explain that while he was listening to some sole, the bass on his herring aid knocked out of plaice. He now realises that Big Maggie Ann was asking for a ‘grouper’, and agrees that she was well within her rights to wallop his pollocks.

Monet Monet Monet

As promised, here is the latest entry for Simon Bowel's 'The SP Factor' (sponsored by Clapdarnach Suncreams)

Fiona and Her Paintings will be singing this song, written for the EWE-rovision Song Contest by the famous Swedish Band of Shepherds - BaahBaah.

Take it away Fiona...

MONET, MONET, MONET.

I work all Nast, I paint Dali, De Gas bills I have to pay
Ain't it sad
And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me
That's too baahd
In my dreams I have a plan
If I got me a wealthy Manet,
I wouldn't have to work Frans Hals, I'd fool around with Andy Warhol...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet.
It's a rich Manets world
A Manet like that is hard to find but I can't get Shinn off my mind
Ain't it sad
And if he happens to be Fairey I bet he wouldn't fancy Ney
That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to Gogh
To Leblanc or El Greco
And win a fortune in a Gauguin, my life will never be the Shahn...
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet,
Always sunny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa
All the things I could do
If I had a little Monet
It's a rich Manet's world
Monet, Monet, Monet.
Must be funny
In the rich Manet's world
Baahh Baahaaa.

We now await comments on Fiona and Her Painting's performance by Simon Bowel and his panel of judges.

Transcribed by Hazy Dizzylady (The Highland Island Bard)

Success for Hazy Dizzylady

Following the recent recognition of her poetry, Hazy Dizzylady is now officially Bard from the Highland Island (and most of the local pubs).

Hazy's poems are currently being uploaded and can be viewed at http://halfbard.blogspot.com/

Sale at Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard

In light of the imminent take-over bid of The Highland Island, it is believed that Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard is having a sale – we can’t be sure, though.

Sale items –

Individually fabricated smoke screens, tailored accordingly.
Freshly painted white lies.
The gardening department now delivers economy bags of bull shit.
In the cosmetic department soft soap is rumoured to be cheap.
String-along toys are available for Christmas.
A staff member is always at hand in dodgy knitwear to spin yarns and pull the wool over your eyes for a spectacular fleece.
The artful, crafty and designing department is offering nothing on sale this time around.
In eyewear, Pinocchio can soon have you framed with his buy one for yourself and then buy another for him offer.

Finally, Pinocchio’s Fabrication Yard would like to keep quiet about the Giant Whoppers available every lunchtime in the take away van to the rear of the premises. If you don’t eat meat, then Pinocchio can always rustle up something fishy for you. Hot Double-Cross Buns will be available in time for Easter and half-truth portions are readily available for your kids.

Please note that Pinocchio’s Yard is not open for business until 1 pm, due to the necessity of his long lies.

Unfortunately Pinocchio’s phoney number can not be provided due to summer bugs.

More information available about The Highland Island buy-out, and details of new owners, coming soon.

Rhubarb Murdo's Big Hacking Scandal

The Island’s media mogul, CEO of The Highland Island’s News Corporation, Rhubarb Murdo, has been arrested in connection with a hacking scandal.

As the last edition of News of The Highland Island went to press, Rhubarb Murdo was being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett, down at the police station in connection with several hacking incidents at Murdina’s Butcher Shop.

“I was only trying to help her chip the ice away from the big freezer door,” said Rhubarb Murdo.

The investigation continues…

Location sought for new Super Inn Junction

Discussions have commenced over a new Super Inn junction.

Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, and Coinneach Crow, of the Highland Island’s Roads and Planning Department, are meeting at a secret location in the back room of Murdina’s butcher shop.

Super Inn spokespersons, B&B Knightly, said, “We don’t have a Super Inn on the Highland Island, so we are clueless as to why they are building a junction.”

“This comment raises a high degree of suspicion,” said, local undertaker, Woodworm Willie. “I suspect that the enforced gagging order over the emptying of the Gents’ Toilet bucket might be responsible. Due to all the gagging, people are unable to say whether we currently have a Super Inn on the island or not and until this is verified we feel that we should go ahead with a junction.”

The new junction is reportedly being flown in by The Nosecone Transportation Group of Companies, on board an Airbus Super Transporter.

Company Director, Cyril Nosecone, who continues to circle overhead at a steady altitude of 4,000 feet, said, “I don’t know how much longer I can hold the plane on this course. She’s running low on fuel. I need to know where you want me to deliver the Super Inn junction.”

*BREAKING NEWS*

Reports are coming in that Daft Uisdean has misplaced the Gents' Toilet down at the ferry terminal. He is not available for comment.

The toilet has been described as durable plastic, black in colour, with a metal handle and a rim circumference of about 12 inches. It is not clear at this point whether it was full.

When asked if the toilet had been stolen, P.C. Hugh Dunnitt would only say, “I have nothing to go on.”

A Short Commercial Break

Spend your Bingo winnings at Jean's Wool Shop, and receive 10% off Wullie Spanners’ latest publication, ‘How to Sue the Trading Standards' Commission and make enough dosh to have your rusty Simca 9 Aronde re-sprayed at Wullie Spanners’ Garage.’

Meanwhile try Jean’s Quiz to win a pair of hand-knitted underpants, made to perfection according to your own intimate, inside leg measurements. (Made in Sirdar, DK, racing-green, pure wool with free scratch mittens provided.)

Unscramble the anagrams of Jean’s 5 Favourite Breeds of Sheep.

1. Decibel Restorer (6,9)
2. Cows Told (8)
3. Trodden Sow (6,4)
4. A Cremated Forgery (8,8)
5. Hen Whirls Trio (9,4)

Answers in the comments section. Winner guaranteed to be announced by 11/3/2024.

Official Apology from The Trading Standards' Commission

11th May, 2011

Torquil Mor
Clapdarnach Croft
The Highland Island

Dear Mr. Mor,

Trading Standards’ Representative – Clipboard Cathal

We regret to inform you of a recent administration error, resulting in the early departure of our representative, Clipboard Cathal, from the Highland Island.

Our representative was instructed to adopt the disguise of Detective ‘Sherlock’ Holmes. However, due to poor mobile reception in your area, Clipboard Cathal mistakenly adopted the persona of Pornographic Actor, ‘John’ Holmes, (aka Johnny Wadd).

We apologise for this misunderstanding, and regret any embarrassment caused to the ten polish ladies, distracted from their cleaning duties inside Daft Uidean’s shed.

I hope we can come to some mutually beneficial, out of court, settlement. Meantime, I encourage all Highland Island residents to address their concerns to me in writing.

Yours truly,

Nigel Piles

Warning - Clipboard Cathal is coming!

Dermott, from MacBrainy Ferries, phoned to warn us about the purchase of a specific return ticket to the island. The ticket holder will arrive here Monday 9th May, 2011, and his passage was booked by The Trading Standards Commission. The Highland Island Hotel corroborates a 3-night-stay booking, for dinner, bed and breakfast, also made by The Trading Standards Commission. This means that Clipboard Cathal will be back prowling around the island.

As yet, we don’t have agreement as to what disguise Clipboard Cathal will employ this year, but Wee Betty at The Bookies offers the following odds.

5-1 Sherlock MacHolmes
7-1 Dick MacTracy
10-1 MacKojak
15-1 MacIronside
25-1 Eric the Buffalo

As usual, here is the checklist.

The Highland Island Hotel - Please ensure that all clapdarnach cooking whiskies are removed from the optics and replaced with legal distillery brands.

The Woolshop – Check all yarn and remove stray clapdarnachs.

Murdina the Butcher – Remove all clapdarnachs from the mincer.

Woodworm Willie Undertaker - Remember last year’s ruling of one body per casket. Also, remove all clapdarnach wine and refill bottles with regular embalming fluids.

Spanners’ Garage – Re-type Daft Uisdean’s City and Guilds Certificate, replacing the word ‘Maniac’ with Mechanic.

We will keep you updated with further warnings as soon as we have more information.

Is this Eric?

According to the ladies of the Free Church Knitting Guild, Eric emigrated. Is this Eric posing in the raw for dollar bills?

Knitting Guild spokesperson, Hughina-Williamina, said, "Local MacPaparazzi photographer, Kenny the Flasher, also claims to have caught images of Eric and Hilda bording the ferry in a sporty, blue Aston Martin, registration number EBY 776J. Kenny said that there was no mistaking Eric, who was driving, but Hilda was harder to identify due to a white wedding veil, which covered her face."

Missing Buffalo

Last spotted having a droppie tea with Wullie Spanners.

Eric the buffalo is described as dark brown in colour, cloven hoofed, with broad shoulders and curved horns. He is approximately 5-6 feet in height at his shoulders and weighs around a ton. When last seen he was shedding his winter coat and sprinting at 30 mph.

With the imminent arrival of the summer breading season, Eric will become increasingly restless. He may bellow hoarsely and become quarrelsome. Eric has been known to lower his head and paw the earth defiantly, so approach with care or call Wullie Spanners breakdown services for assistance.

Eric's fiancée, Hilda, is also missing but we are still waiting on her up-to-date description and photo details.

PC Hugh Dunnitt has asked all Islanders to check their outhouses and garden areas for signs of Eric and Hilda.