Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor

Due to increased awareness of the Health and Safety at Work Act, 1974, the Highland Island wishes to employ a "Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor".

The successful candidate should possess the following -

• Adequate vision or suitable corrective lenses

• A fully functioning clipboard

• The ability to advise islanders and visitors repeatedly, with the phrase "Careful now in case you trip".  

Auditions for the "Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor," will be held in the church hall on Friday at 8pm.  An obstacle course will be provided but volunteer potential trippers are required to assist with auditions.

The position is full time and salary will be determined according to previous trip advising.

Recent Elbowla Crisis

Oh what a kerfuffle!

We would like to appologise for the recent closure of all ferry routes to the island, due to lack of customers.  As the Lighthouse Mannie said, the lights are on but no one has been at home since the great Elbowla Crisis evacuation.

(You might want to get a cup of clapdarnach tea, and sit down.  This could be a long tale.)

It all started at the 2014 January sales, the great Elbowla Crisis.

Big Maggie Ann first noticed the large basket of cut-price, hand-knitted underpants in the Wool Shop window, marked 50% off.

Off she limped to get her sleeping bag, her overnight anti-wrinkle cream, her paraffin stove, a soup pan, bag of potatoes, 2 leeks and a packet of Knorr chicken stock cubes.  She returned at 9 pm on Hogmanay to claim her place at the head of the queue outside the Wool Shop.

By 9.30pm she was joined by Woodworm Willie, Wullie Spanners and 124 bottles of the finest Clapdarnach Cooking Whisky.

News travels fast and by 9.31 pm a street party was in full swing, outside the Wool Shop.

Diligent Jean -- owner of the Wool Shop -- however, took 2 Mogadon, inserted her ear plugs, retiring to bed at 10 pm in preparation for the New Year’s Day Sale.  Rising early, she vacuumed her knitted floor rugs, pulled up the knitted window blinds and opened the shop door ready for the onslaught of bargain hunters, eager to claim cut-price, hand-knitted underpants.

Nothing stirred, except for the heavy sound of snoring, coming from an entanglement of intertwined bodies, piled up on the pavement.  Beside them sat 124 empty bottles.

“Cut-price underpants!” she called.

 In the middle of the body mass, a large brown eye opened. 

“Underpants!” cried Big Maggie Ann.  Wriggling her large frame around inside the knot of bodies, she accidentally Elbowla-ed Wullie Spanners in the groin.  “Underpants!” cried Woodworm Willie, accidentally Elbowla-ing The Reverend Brimstone in his dog collar.  “Underpants!” called PC Hugh Dunnett while Elbowla-ing Daft Uisdean’s sweaty oxter.  “Underpants!” everyone shouted, as everyone Elbowla-ed each other.  Poor Cyril’s Nosecone was Elbowla-ed completely out of shape.

Jean telephoned the mainland for help.  “Hello, is that you Magus the Bobby from the Mainland?  Can you pump up your bicycle tyre very quickly and get here on the next ferry.  The whole island is in a tangle and we have a massive outbreak  of Elbowla-ing.  Hurry!  Bring the Coastguard Mannie, sailors, as many boy scouts as you can find, or anyone who knows how to unravel knots."

But no one could unravel the knot of arms and legs and so the large body mass of islanders was lifted by crane and loaded onboard a Chinese Shipping Line Cargo Ship.   It sailed away, bound for Shanghai, and we haven’t heard from anyone since.

As it was mother’s bath night, I was busy changing her catheter, so I missed the Elbowla Outbreak. 

The island has been so quiet all year, just me, Jean at the Wool Shop and the Lighthouse Mannie. 

I'll try the Ham Radio again.  “Hello Shanghai.  Come in Shanghai.”  Oh it’s no use.  Nobody seems to be answering.

Magical Portal Loos

Don't be mistaken... these are no ordinary toilet facilities, parked behind the Free Church.  They may be temporary and basic to look at but these Portal Loos are not for the fainthearted.

I entered, shut the door, and did my business all very normally.  But, I flushed the handle and...WHOOSH!  When I opened the door I found my Portal Loo balancing on top of the Matterhorn in the Pennine Alps, 14,690 ft high and looking down on the town of Zermatt. 

Fortunately, I managed to unzip and sit down, before depositing a shock-induced No.2.  However, when I flushed again... WHOOSH!  The next destination turned out to be a beach in sunny Torremolinos, in the Costa del Sol.

Sixteen destinations later, I opened the door to see Daft Uisdean hopping cross-legged and holding his crotch.  (Thankfully, I'd landed back behind the Free Church.)  "Quick!  I need to go," he said.   He pulled me out of the Portal Loo and jumped inside.

It appears that we have finally cracked the 'Mystery at the Post Office' and the Rev. Brimstone's travels but, unfortunately, Daft Uisdean is now missing.  The portal could have taken him anywhere in the world!

Interpol have been alerted but meantime, if you have any information as to the where-a-bouts of Daft Uisdean can you please comment in the box below?  His mother, Big Maggie Ann, is very upset because his dinner is ready.

Mystery at the Post Office

Holy Moly!  I've had a call from Christabel-Morag, the new Post Mistress, down at the Post Office.

 "Hello, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag.  "Sorry to bother you on your washing day, but I've just finished reading all the mail and I've noticed something very odd."

"Hello there Christabel-Morag.  It's okay, I've left mother in charge of the twin tub.  Tell me about the odd thing," I said.  Though I didn't think that Christabel-Morag should be reading all the mail, telling her so might upset her weak bladder. 

"Well, Torquil, you see all these postcards have arrived at the sorting office and I'm very confused. There's one for you from Jamaica; one for Woodworm Willie from Rome; one for Cyril Nosecone from Las Vegas; one for Jean at the Woolshop from Sydney Australia; one for Wullie Spanners from Amsterdam; one for the lighthouse mannie from Cardiff; one for the boy who plays music down at the hotel from Peking; one for Murdina the butcher from Brussels; one for Big Maggie Ann from Anchorage, Alaska; one for Daft Uisdean from Legoland; and one from Mombasa for Fiona and her paintings."

My eye was drawn to the smoke belching from the twin tub. I waved furiously at mother, pointing at the wall socket for her to pull the plug.  "Oh lovely," I said to Christabel-Morag.  "A nice postcard always brightens up the day."

"Oh, but you don't understand, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag, now clearly upset.  I heard her fumbling and then she said, "Can you hold the line while I go to the toilet."

Mother smiled a gummy smile and waved back at me through the smoke, so I pulled the plug myself and opened the back door to let out the smoke. 

"Sorry for keeping you, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag.  "Where was I?  Oh yes, the postcards...all these postcards are signed by the same person, The Rev. Brimstone.  They all say the same thing.  'Having a lovely time.  See you soon, The Rev. Brimstone.'"

I stood in the threshold and fanned my arm in the air to usher the smoke outside.  "That's nice of him to send so many cards, then," I said to Christabel-Morag.

"But, Torquil, all these cards were posted the same day, all correctly postmarked last Monday from their country of origin."  She paused.  "Torquil, I attended Evening Worship on Sunday at 7pm and the Reverend was there in fine voice.  So, how could he get to all these places to send postcards on the Monday?"

Suddenly, a smoking twin tub was the least of my worries -- there was a mystery to solve down at the Post Office.

Could anyone with any information pertaining to the Rev. Brimstone’s whereabouts on Monday 24^th June, 2013, please leave a comment in the box below?

 

 

Identity Crisis

Funny... I dreamed last night that my name was Hazy Dizzylady and I was a woman.  You'll be pleased to know that I've just checked the label on my underpants and it clearly says, "Hand Knitted by Jean at the Woolshop for Torquil Mor."  Phew!  Thank Heavens a man can always rely on his underpants to remind him who he is.

Malcolm's Spray-On Tan

Malcolm stood up on the podium to declare, "My tan is NOT orange!" 

But, no one took any notice.

Business Expansion Plans for the Spanners Family

A fresh rumour just in from The Ladies’ at the Church Guild suggests that the eldest two Spanners sisters, Mini and Shelly, have purchased the vacant property next to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop.

Further tittle-tattle guarantees that their old man, Wullie Spanners, was seen erecting a sign above the front door, saying “Fix ‘Em or Stuff ‘Em Animal Clinic”.

As I’m sure all islanders know, Shelly Spanners is a vet and Mini Spanners is a taxidermist.

Their new neighbour, Murdina at the butcher’s shop, said, “I’d like to wish the girls all the best in their new animal clinic. If I can be of any assistance to their business, please tell them to bang on the wall and I’ll give them a good price per pound on left overs.”

Lighthouse Vanishes Again

If anyone has any information about the recent disappearance of the lighthouse, again, please contact PC Hugh Dunnett.

Extracts from Monday's Highland Island News

Sponge Bath Square Bob has opened a new sauna at the rear of Wullie Spanners' garage. Early reports are positive, saying that many islanders are lying steaming outside the garage.

Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.

Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.

Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.

Chinese Whispers

I have been asked to read a statement to clear up a small misunderstand, on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away Van, parked at the ferry terminal.

(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.

Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.

But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"

According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners

But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.

“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"

And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)

Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.

“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”

Local Job Centre - Positions Vacant

Vacant Position - Shepherd Spy

Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.

Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.

Seasoning will be provided.

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

Seamus Snotterach , dietician and author of “The Stravagan Diet”, has popped in for a wee cuppa tea and to offer some suggestions for Valentine’s Day gifts.

“Hello there Seamus Snotterach, and how’s yersell today?”

“Aye, I’m grand, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ve got one or two ideas for the discerning gentleman to give to his lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Would you like me to read through the list?”

“Fire away there, Seamus, but before you begin, I can’t help noticing that yer getting awful thin, yerself. Are you getting enough protein, since you’ve started this new 'Stravagan Diet' fad?”

“Och aye, dinnae forget that I’m a Snotterach and although we pick away at our greens, there’s plenty protein to be found if you dig deep enough.”

“Very good Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll get a box of tissues for your finger. Meanwhile, you can read your list.”

“Right then. Here’s No.3 on my list – Is your woman a sight for sore eyes? If so then why not buy yourself a wee remedy from www.conjunctivitis.com They have everything from EXTRA DARK GLASSES (so you can be as shifty as you like) to DROPS (either local and not too high, or deep canyons where she’ll never be found).”

“But, do you think these are appropriate gifts for Valentine’s Day, Seamus?”

“Oh definitely, Torquil, I mean Hazy. Now at No.2 on my list – How deep is your love? Why not reserve her plot now at the new Snotterach Bros. Cemetery. We have been working in conjunction with local undertaker, Woodworm Willie, to provide a special range of pink Valentine’s Day head stones. Let her chose her own wording so that you can demonstrate your love by letting her have that all-important final say.”

“But, Seamus don’t you have any things like fine wine, chocolates or flowers on your list?”

“Patience, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’m just getting to the special beverages. At No. 1 on my list – Does she only have eyes for you? Do those eyes bulge or protrude in a staring manner? She might have a condition called Proptosis. If she’s obese, forgetful, and her hair is falling out, too, the most likely reason is an overactive thyroid gland. Unfortunately, in this instance, www.conjunctivitis.com won’t be suitable for gift buying. So, why not visit Clapdarnach Wineries and buy her a bottle of their finest Valentine’s Day pig’s urine, or Cupid’s pregnant-mare’s urine? They are specially made for the fat lady in your life, with a thyroid condition. Please note that this remedy is NOT suitable for vagans, and so I will be selling signed copies of my book “The Stravagan Diet” for a special Valentine’s Day price of £15.99. Cheques can be made payable to Snotterach Bros.”

“Right then, Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for that. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a clean tissue for your finger?”

“No, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ll have to be going now to catch my bus.”

Island Ferry Springs a Leek

Would the island ferry please return to the terminal, to undergo Health and Safety checks.

It appears that your vessel is springing leeks, which can be collected from the lost property box at the local Police Station.

PC Hugh Dunnett has made the following statement. "Please note that the 'cell by' date on the leek is about to expire."

NEWSFLASH - Is Woodworm Willie Lost At Sea?

Help?

Is One-legged Woodworm Willie lost at sea? Do we still have a Coastguard Mannie in the house? Or,is Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver at the ready? Does Daft Uisdean have his swimming trunks on, or is he currently bearing his arse to the tourists down at the ferry terminal?

Reply in comments section below -----> Hurry now!


Meanwhile, as you wait for the island's emergency services 999 to wind up their state-of-the-art response telephone... why not read some of Hazy Dizzylady's poems at


http://www.halfbard.blogspot.com


Her latest entries are guaranteed to be inspirationally depressing. Just what we all need while we wait to hear about a possible drowning at sea.

The Stage is Set for the 2011 God-o-vision Song Contest

The response to our God-o-vision song contest has been massive - we now have an entry from all of the polish ladies!

To bring you up to date with the organisation of the event, here is a picture of the newly constructed stage (Built by Messrs Spanners & Nosecone, Inc.)

















The God-o-Vision song contest has spared no expense when it comes to Health & Safety. Our Road Traffic Coordinator, Farquar Bogg, has provided state of the art parking facilities for the event.


















Deadline for lyric entries is approaching fast! Submit your entry now for the chance of being recorded on record, and sworn to oath by P.C. Hugh Dunnett, whilst on backing vocals -- Magnus the Bobby from the Mainland pumps up the back tyre of his bicycle.

Get writing and submit your lyric anywhere in the comments box. Daft Uisdean has been trained in sniffer dog techniques in order to find it!

God-o-Vision 2011 will be judged by...

You are cordially invited to submit your lyric entries for The 2011 God-o-Vision Song Contest, the inter-faith competition, hosted by Rev. Helman Brimstone.

The ladies of the church guild knitting/gossip group are currently accepting lyric entries in the following ten categories –

Australian Aboriginal Wool Mythology
Bahá'í Sheep Faith
Buddhist Ewes
Confucianism for Confused Sheep
Gnostic Rams
Henduism for Dyslexic Party Ewes
Islamb
Judaism, according to Judy the Cheviot
Neopagan Black Faced Followers
The Bodhrán–a-ram-a-ding–dong Movement

Closing date for entries is November 30th and the winning entry will be sung by Jean, accompanied by The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862, at…

...wait for it…

...The Highland Island Blog’s 6th Anniversary Year Party Bash, to be held at a special outdoor location on December 1st.

Get writing now and post your entries in the comment box below, stating your name and chosen category.

All judging will be done by God. His decision is final, or else!

(Hanging Gallows will be provided courtesy of Spanners Garage Ltd.)

Special Training Day with Diarrhena MacMorbid

In the interest of assisting Highland Islanders to manage their daily lives, navigate relationships, and solve personal problems, a representative from the Highland Island Social Work’s Stalking Department will be available to tutor you on the advantages of Sheep Stalking Hats.

Similar to the Deer Stalking Hat (pictured here)…


… the Sheep Stalking Hat (pictured here)…


fits on your head, but also allows complete ambiguity.






Do you know someone in crisis? Need to keep tabs on 'that special someone that got away’? Why not let the Department’s expert stalker Diarrhena MacMorbid instruct you on the benefits of stalking them, while protecting your anonymity by dressing as a sheep.

Need to stalk the postman by day or a polish lady by night? No problem. Let Diarrhena MacMorbid provide the perfect mystery and vagueness that only training in sheep stalking hats can bring.

Remember – the Highland Island Social Work Department is here to help you through your relationship crisis, in the most professional manner possible.

Next week, Diarrhena MacMorbid will guide you through the A-Z of anonymous phone calls, while wearing the Sheep Stalking Hat.

Long Range Weather Forecast

All indications point to a harsh winter ahead, as mainland sheep gather by local clothing points, waiting for handouts of extra woollens.

Stay tuned for more weather updates.

House and Business For Rent

House and clapdarnach production business for rent on The Highland Island. Length of lease will be 12 months.

This raised, open-plan accomodation, with spacious porch, is finished to a high standard and packed with unique character. Available now for immediate entry.

Owner is living undercover in mainland Shieldaig, working as a polish lady in the hotel. Therefore, when enquiring, in order to prevent suspicion, please ask for Hazy Dizzylady, not Torquil.

The Spanners’ Family Circus

Once again, Wullie’s cousin twice removed, Bullie Spanners, and his family circus, is coming to the Highland Island.



The Motorbike Stunt Display Team – This year Bullie’s stunt team will be riding the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes, which run entirely on human feces. Bullie’s second cousin, twice removed, Wullie Spanners is currently welding toilet roll holders to the bikes’ handle bars. Gas masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the engines fire up.

A practitioner will be on hand outside in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent for therapy or to discuss outbreaks of Defecaloesiophobia or Coprophobia or Proctophobia or Rectophobia.

The Non-Clowns (We Are Not Clowns, We Are Painted Drag Queens) - Once again the Non-Clowns will be performing acts totally unsuitable for children. Blindfolds and earplugs for your youngsters will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Big Maggie Ann will be on hand for soothing body massages in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent and where Randy can discuss your outbreaks of Coulrophobia.

Mini Spanners, the trainee taxidermist, and her amazing remote control stuffed trapeze squirrels – See Mini bring her animals back to life in this amazing D.I.Y. performance. Squirrel masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble will play outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent, wearing their squirrel masks, while Randy discusses your therapy needs for Necrophobia.

The Shell Lady and her Performing Oysters – Watch the Shell Lady’s oysters slide down the slimy slope and turn various shades of luminous green before your knife and fork. Sick bags will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Farquar Bogg of the Rumba Dancing and Sanitation Department will be handing out health questionaires outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent. Randy will be available to discuss your Myxophobia or Blennophobia needs.

Cyril Nosecone’s Air Display Plane - Cyril's plane will perform a tandem fly-over at Sammy’s airfield. Daisy Daisy has agreed to man the pedals aboard the front cockpit, whilst Cyril assumes rear gunner position with his feet up at the back. Hopefully, Daisy Daisy will give Cyril her 'answer do' to stop him going half crazy. Biggles helmets available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

The Reykjavik Disco Dancing Display Team will be rehearsing in spandex at Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while he gives a talk on Nephophobia, Pteromerhanophobia, Aeronausiphobia and Aviophobia.

Finally...

Fiona and her Dancing Paintings - Roll Up! Roll Up! Fiona will perform a reprint of Monet, Monet, Monet. Now that she has perfected the watermark on all notes, Fiona will be taking orders for her Monet, Monet, Monet, and Big Maggie Ann has agreed to clean the big porcelain sink for laundering purposes. Please note – Maggie Ann can only guarantee laundry drying conditions during, a) north winds or, b) provided The Motorbike Stunt Display Team manage to create sufficient wind power with the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes. Currency convertors available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.

Local gallery owner Muddy Brown will be protesting outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while Randy treats Mr Brown for his Ancraophobia, Chrometophobia and Chrematophobia.

Lounge music is provided by the female folk act 'The Sweaty Couch Sleepers'. - The women are guaranteed to screach you sensless with their new CD 'Stained Old Couches'. Plukey Folk Magazine says, "Their monotone singing and expressionless faces, howling halitosis, and fusty underpants, together with buckets of hair grease, will help you slide off into dreamland as they gather in a circle and play to each-other because no one else cares to listen to their [yawn], self-indulgent [yawn, double-yawn], but educational [giant yawn], folky [I'm really sleepy now] songs about couches [Zzzzzzzzz], so memorable that....okay I forget what the song is about. [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] ...And, as you cover your ears, you'll agree that only 'OUCH!" could rhyme with couch."

Registered Fault Code No. 513-6b2h - High Volume - Unfortunately, the phobia tent is unable to cope with the high queue demand due to numerous greasy folk singers squatting on Randy Parahandy MacAndy's couch. Please call back later.

Daft Uisdean will close the evening's performance by brushing the sweat and sawdust off the floor.

So, Roll up everyone and let's get on with the fabulous and exciting Spanners' Family Circus, with tonight's Master of Ceremonies, Woodworm Willie!