Whitewash House Press Release

Dòmhnall MacTrumpet's Quality Holiday Accomodation

Well, you heard it here first!

Back in 2006 I posted the following advert for Dòmhnall MacTrumpet, of MacTrumpet Towers', Quality Holiday Homes here on the Island.

Unfortunately, due to 'other responsibilities', which must take president, (sorry I meant precedence) at his new home in the 'Whitewashed House', Dòmhnall MacTrumpet's Quality Holiday Homes are now owned and run by his 'son', Daft Uisdean.

Daft Uisdean states that he will not be entering into any communication with his 'father', Dòmhnall MacTrumpet, regarding the running of this business.  Uisdean is currently taking bookings for summer 2017!

To refresh your memories, here is the advert again.

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Welcome to "The Dòmhnall's" Quality Holiday Homes, at MacTrumpet Towers at The Ferry Terminal.

All our quality homes have sea view and are located in sheltered positions, protected from sea breezes by the bank to the west of the island dump.

Homes are rented on a self-catering basis for weekend or full week rentals.

Upgraded to high standards! Sleeps 2 - 26, with detatchable sheep pen. Goats welcome. Llamas must be house-trained.

As pictured, full laundry facilities with running water. New forest green high-technology waste-disposal unit, in the latest portable form. Washing can be done behind the privacy of a newly built wall. Portable wind-breaker, complete with new poles and tent pegs, is supplied for the privacy from poachers and farm vehicles aproaching from open fields to the side and rear.

The latest in hair salon accessories, pictured between the upright brown laundry and the forest green sanitation and waste-disposal unit, can be effectively used for hair-washing days.





En suite bathrooms available on request.




For reservations, availability and prices email Torquil at - highlandisland@verizon.net

All this nonsense about leaving the eEwe

For goodness sake, take a lesson from Little Bo Peep.  Now Ms Bo Peep she lost her eEwe and didn't know where to find it.  'Leave it alone and it will come home wagging its tail behind it', was the advice given  back then.  And, everyone lived happily ever after.

Did you listen to the advice given?  Did you leave the eEwe alone?  No you didn't.  You had to go stravaging off to the polling station down in the back room of Jean's wool shop and put your cross in a box.  Some of you voted to get the eEwe back while others wanted the eEwe to get to France and join Le Gigot d'Agneau party.

Now did the eEwe get a say in whether it stayed with the flock or whether trailed its clapdarnachs all the way to France to join Le Gigot d'Agneau party?  No it didn't and before she loses another leg to Le Mint Sauce Brigade can we think again?

I call upon you all to, therefore, sign the following petition (by signing in the comments box) to have the eEwe referendum overturned, so that Edna the eEwe can make her own mind up whether to stay or go.

Yours respectfully

The Flock

P.S.  As Edna the eEwe only has three legs now, could Woodworm Willie help with some prosthesis?

Highland Island Marathon 1914

The fossilised remains of a marathon runner has been found in the woods, 5 miles north of the ferry terminal.  

The island's police forensics team, PC Hugh Dunnett and Magnus the Bobby form the mainland, have dissected a section from the fossilised marathon runner's foot.  According to the number of rings found on the dissected bunion, they estimate that the contestant stopped running in 1914.  

Anyone who feels that they lost a grandparent around 1914 and suspects that they might descend from fossilised wood, please contact Woodworm Willie at Woodworm Willie's Funeral Services in order to assist with identification of the deceased.

DNA services can be provided by 'Tongue in Cheek Swabs Ltd.'  Hopefully, they will have this case licked in no time at all.

Once the identity of the fossilised runner has been established, a re-run of the event will be announced.  

Update on the post of 'Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor'

Regrettably, the position of 'Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor' remains vacant.

All candidates fell, short of requirements.  

Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor

Due to increased awareness of the Health and Safety at Work Act, 1974, the Highland Island wishes to employ a "Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor".

The successful candidate should possess the following -

• Adequate vision or suitable corrective lenses

• A fully functioning clipboard

• The ability to advise islanders and visitors repeatedly, with the phrase "Careful now in case you trip".  

Auditions for the "Careful-Now-In-Case-You-Trip Advisor," will be held in the church hall on Friday at 8pm.  An obstacle course will be provided but volunteer potential trippers are required to assist with auditions.

The position is full time and salary will be determined according to previous trip advising.

Recent Elbowla Crisis

Oh what a kerfuffle!

We would like to appologise for the recent closure of all ferry routes to the island, due to lack of customers.  As the Lighthouse Mannie said, the lights are on but no one has been at home since the great Elbowla Crisis evacuation.

(You might want to get a cup of clapdarnach tea, and sit down.  This could be a long tale.)

It all started at the 2014 January sales, the great Elbowla Crisis.

Big Maggie Ann first noticed the large basket of cut-price, hand-knitted underpants in the Wool Shop window, marked 50% off.

Off she limped to get her sleeping bag, her overnight anti-wrinkle cream, her paraffin stove, a soup pan, bag of potatoes, 2 leeks and a packet of Knorr chicken stock cubes.  She returned at 9 pm on Hogmanay to claim her place at the head of the queue outside the Wool Shop.

By 9.30pm she was joined by Woodworm Willie, Wullie Spanners and 124 bottles of the finest Clapdarnach Cooking Whisky.

News travels fast and by 9.31 pm a street party was in full swing, outside the Wool Shop.

Diligent Jean -- owner of the Wool Shop -- however, took 2 Mogadon, inserted her ear plugs, retiring to bed at 10 pm in preparation for the New Year’s Day Sale.  Rising early, she vacuumed her knitted floor rugs, pulled up the knitted window blinds and opened the shop door ready for the onslaught of bargain hunters, eager to claim cut-price, hand-knitted underpants.

Nothing stirred, except for the heavy sound of snoring, coming from an entanglement of intertwined bodies, piled up on the pavement.  Beside them sat 124 empty bottles.

“Cut-price underpants!” she called.

 In the middle of the body mass, a large brown eye opened. 

“Underpants!” cried Big Maggie Ann.  Wriggling her large frame around inside the knot of bodies, she accidentally Elbowla-ed Wullie Spanners in the groin.  “Underpants!” cried Woodworm Willie, accidentally Elbowla-ing The Reverend Brimstone in his dog collar.  “Underpants!” called PC Hugh Dunnett while Elbowla-ing Daft Uisdean’s sweaty oxter.  “Underpants!” everyone shouted, as everyone Elbowla-ed each other.  Poor Cyril’s Nosecone was Elbowla-ed completely out of shape.

Jean telephoned the mainland for help.  “Hello, is that you Magus the Bobby from the Mainland?  Can you pump up your bicycle tyre very quickly and get here on the next ferry.  The whole island is in a tangle and we have a massive outbreak  of Elbowla-ing.  Hurry!  Bring the Coastguard Mannie, sailors, as many boy scouts as you can find, or anyone who knows how to unravel knots."

But no one could unravel the knot of arms and legs and so the large body mass of islanders was lifted by crane and loaded onboard a Chinese Shipping Line Cargo Ship.   It sailed away, bound for Shanghai, and we haven’t heard from anyone since.

As it was mother’s bath night, I was busy changing her catheter, so I missed the Elbowla Outbreak. 

The island has been so quiet all year, just me, Jean at the Wool Shop and the Lighthouse Mannie. 

I'll try the Ham Radio again.  “Hello Shanghai.  Come in Shanghai.”  Oh it’s no use.  Nobody seems to be answering.

Magical Portal Loos

Don't be mistaken... these are no ordinary toilet facilities, parked behind the Free Church.  They may be temporary and basic to look at but these Portal Loos are not for the fainthearted.

I entered, shut the door, and did my business all very normally.  But, I flushed the handle and...WHOOSH!  When I opened the door I found my Portal Loo balancing on top of the Matterhorn in the Pennine Alps, 14,690 ft high and looking down on the town of Zermatt. 

Fortunately, I managed to unzip and sit down, before depositing a shock-induced No.2.  However, when I flushed again... WHOOSH!  The next destination turned out to be a beach in sunny Torremolinos, in the Costa del Sol.

Sixteen destinations later, I opened the door to see Daft Uisdean hopping cross-legged and holding his crotch.  (Thankfully, I'd landed back behind the Free Church.)  "Quick!  I need to go," he said.   He pulled me out of the Portal Loo and jumped inside.

It appears that we have finally cracked the 'Mystery at the Post Office' and the Rev. Brimstone's travels but, unfortunately, Daft Uisdean is now missing.  The portal could have taken him anywhere in the world!

Interpol have been alerted but meantime, if you have any information as to the where-a-bouts of Daft Uisdean can you please comment in the box below?  His mother, Big Maggie Ann, is very upset because his dinner is ready.

Mystery at the Post Office

Holy Moly!  I've had a call from Christabel-Morag, the new Post Mistress, down at the Post Office.

 "Hello, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag.  "Sorry to bother you on your washing day, but I've just finished reading all the mail and I've noticed something very odd."

"Hello there Christabel-Morag.  It's okay, I've left mother in charge of the twin tub.  Tell me about the odd thing," I said.  Though I didn't think that Christabel-Morag should be reading all the mail, telling her so might upset her weak bladder. 

"Well, Torquil, you see all these postcards have arrived at the sorting office and I'm very confused. There's one for you from Jamaica; one for Woodworm Willie from Rome; one for Cyril Nosecone from Las Vegas; one for Jean at the Woolshop from Sydney Australia; one for Wullie Spanners from Amsterdam; one for the lighthouse mannie from Cardiff; one for the boy who plays music down at the hotel from Peking; one for Murdina the butcher from Brussels; one for Big Maggie Ann from Anchorage, Alaska; one for Daft Uisdean from Legoland; and one from Mombasa for Fiona and her paintings."

My eye was drawn to the smoke belching from the twin tub. I waved furiously at mother, pointing at the wall socket for her to pull the plug.  "Oh lovely," I said to Christabel-Morag.  "A nice postcard always brightens up the day."

"Oh, but you don't understand, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag, now clearly upset.  I heard her fumbling and then she said, "Can you hold the line while I go to the toilet."

Mother smiled a gummy smile and waved back at me through the smoke, so I pulled the plug myself and opened the back door to let out the smoke. 

"Sorry for keeping you, Torquil," said Christabel-Morag.  "Where was I?  Oh yes, the postcards...all these postcards are signed by the same person, The Rev. Brimstone.  They all say the same thing.  'Having a lovely time.  See you soon, The Rev. Brimstone.'"

I stood in the threshold and fanned my arm in the air to usher the smoke outside.  "That's nice of him to send so many cards, then," I said to Christabel-Morag.

"But, Torquil, all these cards were posted the same day, all correctly postmarked last Monday from their country of origin."  She paused.  "Torquil, I attended Evening Worship on Sunday at 7pm and the Reverend was there in fine voice.  So, how could he get to all these places to send postcards on the Monday?"

Suddenly, a smoking twin tub was the least of my worries -- there was a mystery to solve down at the Post Office.

Could anyone with any information pertaining to the Rev. Brimstone’s whereabouts on Monday 24^th June, 2013, please leave a comment in the box below?

 

 

Identity Crisis

Funny... I dreamed last night that my name was Hazy Dizzylady and I was a woman.  You'll be pleased to know that I've just checked the label on my underpants and it clearly says, "Hand Knitted by Jean at the Woolshop for Torquil Mor."  Phew!  Thank Heavens a man can always rely on his underpants to remind him who he is.

Malcolm's Spray-On Tan

Malcolm stood up on the podium to declare, "My tan is NOT orange!" 

But, no one took any notice.

Business Expansion Plans for the Spanners Family

A fresh rumour just in from The Ladies’ at the Church Guild suggests that the eldest two Spanners sisters, Mini and Shelly, have purchased the vacant property next to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop.

Further tittle-tattle guarantees that their old man, Wullie Spanners, was seen erecting a sign above the front door, saying “Fix ‘Em or Stuff ‘Em Animal Clinic”.

As I’m sure all islanders know, Shelly Spanners is a vet and Mini Spanners is a taxidermist.

Their new neighbour, Murdina at the butcher’s shop, said, “I’d like to wish the girls all the best in their new animal clinic. If I can be of any assistance to their business, please tell them to bang on the wall and I’ll give them a good price per pound on left overs.”

Lighthouse Vanishes Again

If anyone has any information about the recent disappearance of the lighthouse, again, please contact PC Hugh Dunnett.

Extracts from Monday's Highland Island News

Sponge Bath Square Bob has opened a new sauna at the rear of Wullie Spanners' garage. Early reports are positive, saying that many islanders are lying steaming outside the garage.

Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.

Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.

Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.

Chinese Whispers

I have been asked to read a statement to clear up a small misunderstand, on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away Van, parked at the ferry terminal.

(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.

Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.

But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"

According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners

But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.

“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"

And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)

Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.

“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”

Local Job Centre - Positions Vacant

Vacant Position - Shepherd Spy

Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.

Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.

Seasoning will be provided.

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

Seamus Snotterach , dietician and author of “The Stravagan Diet”, has popped in for a wee cuppa tea and to offer some suggestions for Valentine’s Day gifts.

“Hello there Seamus Snotterach, and how’s yersell today?”

“Aye, I’m grand, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ve got one or two ideas for the discerning gentleman to give to his lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Would you like me to read through the list?”

“Fire away there, Seamus, but before you begin, I can’t help noticing that yer getting awful thin, yerself. Are you getting enough protein, since you’ve started this new 'Stravagan Diet' fad?”

“Och aye, dinnae forget that I’m a Snotterach and although we pick away at our greens, there’s plenty protein to be found if you dig deep enough.”

“Very good Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll get a box of tissues for your finger. Meanwhile, you can read your list.”

“Right then. Here’s No.3 on my list – Is your woman a sight for sore eyes? If so then why not buy yourself a wee remedy from www.conjunctivitis.com They have everything from EXTRA DARK GLASSES (so you can be as shifty as you like) to DROPS (either local and not too high, or deep canyons where she’ll never be found).”

“But, do you think these are appropriate gifts for Valentine’s Day, Seamus?”

“Oh definitely, Torquil, I mean Hazy. Now at No.2 on my list – How deep is your love? Why not reserve her plot now at the new Snotterach Bros. Cemetery. We have been working in conjunction with local undertaker, Woodworm Willie, to provide a special range of pink Valentine’s Day head stones. Let her chose her own wording so that you can demonstrate your love by letting her have that all-important final say.”

“But, Seamus don’t you have any things like fine wine, chocolates or flowers on your list?”

“Patience, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’m just getting to the special beverages. At No. 1 on my list – Does she only have eyes for you? Do those eyes bulge or protrude in a staring manner? She might have a condition called Proptosis. If she’s obese, forgetful, and her hair is falling out, too, the most likely reason is an overactive thyroid gland. Unfortunately, in this instance, www.conjunctivitis.com won’t be suitable for gift buying. So, why not visit Clapdarnach Wineries and buy her a bottle of their finest Valentine’s Day pig’s urine, or Cupid’s pregnant-mare’s urine? They are specially made for the fat lady in your life, with a thyroid condition. Please note that this remedy is NOT suitable for vagans, and so I will be selling signed copies of my book “The Stravagan Diet” for a special Valentine’s Day price of £15.99. Cheques can be made payable to Snotterach Bros.”

“Right then, Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for that. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a clean tissue for your finger?”

“No, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ll have to be going now to catch my bus.”

Island Ferry Springs a Leek

Would the island ferry please return to the terminal, to undergo Health and Safety checks.

It appears that your vessel is springing leeks, which can be collected from the lost property box at the local Police Station.

PC Hugh Dunnett has made the following statement. "Please note that the 'cell by' date on the leek is about to expire."

NEWSFLASH - Is Woodworm Willie Lost At Sea?

Help?

Is One-legged Woodworm Willie lost at sea? Do we still have a Coastguard Mannie in the house? Or,is Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver at the ready? Does Daft Uisdean have his swimming trunks on, or is he currently bearing his arse to the tourists down at the ferry terminal?

Reply in comments section below -----> Hurry now!


Meanwhile, as you wait for the island's emergency services 999 to wind up their state-of-the-art response telephone... why not read some of Hazy Dizzylady's poems at


http://www.halfbard.blogspot.com


Her latest entries are guaranteed to be inspirationally depressing. Just what we all need while we wait to hear about a possible drowning at sea.

The Stage is Set for the 2011 God-o-vision Song Contest

The response to our God-o-vision song contest has been massive - we now have an entry from all of the polish ladies!

To bring you up to date with the organisation of the event, here is a picture of the newly constructed stage (Built by Messrs Spanners & Nosecone, Inc.)

















The God-o-Vision song contest has spared no expense when it comes to Health & Safety. Our Road Traffic Coordinator, Farquar Bogg, has provided state of the art parking facilities for the event.


















Deadline for lyric entries is approaching fast! Submit your entry now for the chance of being recorded on record, and sworn to oath by P.C. Hugh Dunnett, whilst on backing vocals -- Magnus the Bobby from the Mainland pumps up the back tyre of his bicycle.

Get writing and submit your lyric anywhere in the comments box. Daft Uisdean has been trained in sniffer dog techniques in order to find it!