DANCE INSTRUCTION BY RUBY HAZELNUT

Due to popular demand for more instructions on dance - Ruby Hazelnut will be resuming her ‘dancing by numbers’ class in the back room of the wool shop. The classes will be on Tuesday nights. We have plenty people enrolled for the popular numbers, like twos, threes and fives, but we still need people to dance numbers one, four, and six.

How ‘dancing by numbers’ works:

Below are the dance code instructions, together with names of those already enrolled –

One – put your right foot in –

Two – put your right foot out – Torquil, Jean and Big Annie

Three – put your left foot in – Daft Uisdean, Murdina and Woodworm Willie

Four – shake it all about –

Five – do the hokey cokey – Rev. Hellman Brimstone and Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish

Six – turn around -

If we don’t get more volunteers to be number ones, Murdina has volunteered to put both of her feet in at the same time. Daft Uisdean has offered to stand in as a number four, to shake it all about, but we only agreed to that on condition that a) we can find him, and b) he keeps his knitted underpants on when he shakes it all about. So far, no one has offered to turn around in Daft Uisdean’s company.

Instructions – when Ruby Hazelnut taps you with her stick, saying your number, you follow the step instructions according to your number. (e.g. she has just tapped Big Annie and… no Annie you are not supposed to hit her back. Okay another example… she has just tapped Jean so Jean has put her right foot in. Now she's tapping Willie, etc.) Soon, with practice, Ruby hopes that everyone will be keeping time to the record player.

Ruby Hazelnut dancing FAQs

Q) What happens if you put your right foot in twice and can no longer put it in again?
A) Good question, and we will be looking into this.

Q) Can you define the hokey cokey because I think that the Rev. Brimstone and Kylie are doing something else?
A) Oh yes, excuse me Rev. Brimstone, Kylie can keep her clothes on for this one.

Q) When is last orders?
A) That will be when Ruby Hazelnut taps her stick on the beer keg, to the beat of 'ta-ta-tatty-ta,' followed by her unique one-legged version of the common 'pas de basque'.

Q) How can Woodworm Willie put his left foot in when he doesn't have one?
A) Ruby says that dance is "open to one's own spiritual interpretation" and, therefore, Willie can put his wooden leg in.

Q) Why does nobody put their left foot out?
A) We have a jump in the 45 rpm record at that bit, so it won't be necessary.

New dancing enthusiasts welcome! Compulsory, but free, leotards will be given out on a ‘first come first best dressed’ basis, with options of sparkle pink, daffodil yellow, MacDuff tartan or pin striped business grey.

Are you interested, Cyril?