“When the cockerel crows thrice, at the same time as the iron bird ejects a large box into the minch, a short man will hop east and find his leg.
The woman who smells of gorgonzola should beware of changes, for a dark haired man will soon ask for cranberry stilton.
A strange, odorous creature lurks in the depths of the waters off Skye, half man and half fish. The creature is known to islanders and he is the one you seek. Look west into the setting sun and you will find the creature by his silhouette.
The one who asks about money will only have one opportunity to return it. The merchant banker will seek this money, as he considers the benefits of funding a unique musical event. Funding will be granted only if the money is returned, but Coinneach Crow warns that this musical production will bring many problems to the island. A baby will be born during the production. Beware of this child for he will not be like others.
Coinneach Crow does not prophecy for personal gain, only for the greater good.
The one who is being followed should not fear. Someone is trying to return something to you.
Coinneach Crow hears noises inside a fair woman’s ear. She must remove the noises from her ear before driving inside mechanical box.
The whales! The whales! They are off course. The strange creature, half man and half fish, disrupts the harmony of the sea. Look west into the setting sun. Find his silhouette and remove the creature from the minch. Only then will whales swim straight at the channel.
Women will travel in back of mechanical box, only when dog travels in the front.
Coinneach Crow has spoken.”
Friday, February 10, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The Prophecies of Coineach Crow
“Caw,” he said. “Caw, Caw.”
Dank mist embraced the hilltops like a shroud. Cold scraped at my bones, grating like the coarse tongue of an old fishwife. The sea, grey as a dirge, slapped the craggy coastline. I turned up my collar, waiting for Coinneach Crow to fix his gaze on the horizon. That would be the sign.
A gull swooped, impatiently. Oyster catchers peet peeted. The cormorant, from rocky-cliff nest of seaweed, stretched out its long neck and peered with beady eye, “is he ready?”
A glimmer brightened the eastern sky, shifting colors from aquas to jades. Olive seas turned emerald, shimmering. Sands glistened; gems, topaz, diamonds.
“Caw.” He was ready. Coinneach fixed his gaze.
“I am Coinneach!” he said.
Sand whipped around my legs, as a breeze stirred.
“Coinneach will only prophecy for the greater good,” he cawed in low drones, before spelling out all the answers that you await so eagerly.
(Call back tomorrow - Jean at the wool shop will have your answers typed up.)
COMING SOON - Prophecies from Coinneach the Crow!
Coinneach the Crow gazes wistfully out to sea, the giant energy field that provides Coinneach with his visions into the future.
Coming soon to this blog, Coinneach will be making live predictions
If you would like Coinneach to seek answers to your problems, please submit your questions in the 'comments' section.
NB - Coinneach says he cannot be responsible if your question is not answered, or for the content or reliability of his replies.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Brokeback Highland Island - The Musical
Enthusiasm for the arts escalates, here on the island.
The H.E.CK.L.E. committee have received snippets of a screen play synopsis for consideration, as an alternative theatrical production to the Jailbreaker’s Ball. The screen play is called “Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical.”
Target audience – The Church Women’s Guild, The Wool Shop Poisoned-Darts Team, Maggie Ann’s Tourette Syndrome Therapy Group, and video copies of the finished screen play will also be sent to Torquil’s clapdarnach customers on the mainland.
Cast –
Two burly poachers
Lots of village gossips
Opening Scenes –
Torquil and Woodworm Willie go poaching in the hearse. Willie gets legless on a bottle of cooking whisky and, thinking he sees a sheep, tries to kiss Torquil. Torquil says, “Och Willie, behave yourself or I’ll not be sharing this coffin with you any more.” Woodworm Willie bursts into a song from Grease “I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, ‘cause the power you're supplying… It's Electrifying! You better shape up ‘cause I need a man…And my heart is set on you.”
Torquil steals Willie’s wooden leg and Willie hops around the hearse trying to catch it.
Maggie Ann passes the hearse and shouts, “Ye pair of raging poofters!” and the local gossips begin what they do best.
The H.E.C.K.L.E. committee has, therefore, decided to hold a vote.
Will the island host a production of
a) The Jail-breaker’s Ball, or
b) Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical?
(Non committee members can also vote in the 'comments' section.)
The H.E.CK.L.E. committee have received snippets of a screen play synopsis for consideration, as an alternative theatrical production to the Jailbreaker’s Ball. The screen play is called “Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical.”
Target audience – The Church Women’s Guild, The Wool Shop Poisoned-Darts Team, Maggie Ann’s Tourette Syndrome Therapy Group, and video copies of the finished screen play will also be sent to Torquil’s clapdarnach customers on the mainland.
Cast –
Two burly poachers
Lots of village gossips
Opening Scenes –
Torquil and Woodworm Willie go poaching in the hearse. Willie gets legless on a bottle of cooking whisky and, thinking he sees a sheep, tries to kiss Torquil. Torquil says, “Och Willie, behave yourself or I’ll not be sharing this coffin with you any more.” Woodworm Willie bursts into a song from Grease “I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, ‘cause the power you're supplying… It's Electrifying! You better shape up ‘cause I need a man…And my heart is set on you.”
Torquil steals Willie’s wooden leg and Willie hops around the hearse trying to catch it.
Maggie Ann passes the hearse and shouts, “Ye pair of raging poofters!” and the local gossips begin what they do best.
The H.E.C.K.L.E. committee has, therefore, decided to hold a vote.
Will the island host a production of
a) The Jail-breaker’s Ball, or
b) Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical?
(Non committee members can also vote in the 'comments' section.)
Monday, February 06, 2006
Meeting of H.E.C.K.L.E.
Draft Minutes
Highland Entertainment Council of Knock-kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
February 05, 2006, Extraordinary Meeting
Members Present –
Ruby Hazelnut
Torquil Mor
Woodworm Willie
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
Mrs. Hellman Brimstone, the Rev.’s wife
Wee Janet from Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. (standing in for Annie, who has rickets).
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnet
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Dougal
Maggie Ann MacPhee
Apologies –
Cyril Nosecone
Call to order -
Ruby Hazelnut shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.01 pm.
Salute -
Board member Woodworm Willie led with the first Slainte mhoiz, closely followed by “Skál” from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, while Wee Janet played Ten Green Bottles on her tuba.
Announcements –
Maggie Ann MacPhee made many announcements during the course of the meeting and the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette syndrome.
Chairman’s Report –
Farquar Bogg reported that the main purpose of the meeting was to discuss Cyril Nosecone’s proposal to hold a Jail breaker’s Ball, or similar ball, to celebrate Willie’s early release from Porterfield Prison, so there would be no chairman’s report.
Business –
Woodworm Willie said that he and Torquil had been thinking about Cyril’s balls in some depth. They were seriously considering holding one. Maggie Ann’s response was censored. Ruby Hazelnut suggested that, instead of a ball, the committee could embark on a theatrical stage production of the Jail-breaker’s Ball. She offered to provide choreography in ‘dancing by numbers’ format, saying, “Even Daft Uisdean, when we find him, will be able to join in.” Maggie Ann shouted objections, and a double Gordon’s Gin was added to her medication. PC Dunnett offered some items from the police station for use as stage props. Woodworm Willie offered a bottle of embalming fluid and 15% off all 2005 coffin models. Jean offered twenty balls of Sirdar double knitting in forest green to be knitted up into stage underpants. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood. Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish offered to play the Virgin Mary in a manger scene, asking if it would be possible to deliver her baby live during the production. Mrs. Brimstone congratulated Kylie on her pregnancy and asked her who the proud father was. Loud coughing followed, interrupted by Maggie Ann who was silenced just in the nick of time by an intravenous injection of cooking whisky.
Torquil asked what part the knock-kneed lurchers could play. Ruby Hazelnut offered to choreograph Rover and Flossie, saying that their knees were the straightest, but she would seek advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers. The committee decided to ask Cyril Nosecone for further suggestions on the production.
Actions –
Maggie Ann will keep taking her medicine.
Jean was to order more cheese and onion crisps and restock the back shelf with bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.
Next meeting - Sunday 12th February.
Highland Entertainment Council of Knock-kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
February 05, 2006, Extraordinary Meeting
Members Present –
Ruby Hazelnut
Torquil Mor
Woodworm Willie
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
Mrs. Hellman Brimstone, the Rev.’s wife
Wee Janet from Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. (standing in for Annie, who has rickets).
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnet
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Dougal
Maggie Ann MacPhee
Apologies –
Cyril Nosecone
Call to order -
Ruby Hazelnut shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.01 pm.
Salute -
Board member Woodworm Willie led with the first Slainte mhoiz, closely followed by “Skál” from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, while Wee Janet played Ten Green Bottles on her tuba.
Announcements –
Maggie Ann MacPhee made many announcements during the course of the meeting and the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette syndrome.
Chairman’s Report –
Farquar Bogg reported that the main purpose of the meeting was to discuss Cyril Nosecone’s proposal to hold a Jail breaker’s Ball, or similar ball, to celebrate Willie’s early release from Porterfield Prison, so there would be no chairman’s report.
Business –
Woodworm Willie said that he and Torquil had been thinking about Cyril’s balls in some depth. They were seriously considering holding one. Maggie Ann’s response was censored. Ruby Hazelnut suggested that, instead of a ball, the committee could embark on a theatrical stage production of the Jail-breaker’s Ball. She offered to provide choreography in ‘dancing by numbers’ format, saying, “Even Daft Uisdean, when we find him, will be able to join in.” Maggie Ann shouted objections, and a double Gordon’s Gin was added to her medication. PC Dunnett offered some items from the police station for use as stage props. Woodworm Willie offered a bottle of embalming fluid and 15% off all 2005 coffin models. Jean offered twenty balls of Sirdar double knitting in forest green to be knitted up into stage underpants. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood. Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish offered to play the Virgin Mary in a manger scene, asking if it would be possible to deliver her baby live during the production. Mrs. Brimstone congratulated Kylie on her pregnancy and asked her who the proud father was. Loud coughing followed, interrupted by Maggie Ann who was silenced just in the nick of time by an intravenous injection of cooking whisky.
Torquil asked what part the knock-kneed lurchers could play. Ruby Hazelnut offered to choreograph Rover and Flossie, saying that their knees were the straightest, but she would seek advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers. The committee decided to ask Cyril Nosecone for further suggestions on the production.
Actions –
Maggie Ann will keep taking her medicine.
Jean was to order more cheese and onion crisps and restock the back shelf with bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.
Next meeting - Sunday 12th February.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
DANCE INSTRUCTION BY RUBY HAZELNUT
Due to popular demand for more instructions on dance - Ruby Hazelnut will be resuming her ‘dancing by numbers’ class in the back room of the wool shop. The classes will be on Tuesday nights. We have plenty people enrolled for the popular numbers, like twos, threes and fives, but we still need people to dance numbers one, four, and six.
How ‘dancing by numbers’ works:
Below are the dance code instructions, together with names of those already enrolled –
One – put your right foot in –
Two – put your right foot out – Torquil, Jean and Big Annie
Three – put your left foot in – Daft Uisdean, Murdina and Woodworm Willie
Four – shake it all about –
Five – do the hokey cokey – Rev. Hellman Brimstone and Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Six – turn around -
If we don’t get more volunteers to be number ones, Murdina has volunteered to put both of her feet in at the same time. Daft Uisdean has offered to stand in as a number four, to shake it all about, but we only agreed to that on condition that a) we can find him, and b) he keeps his knitted underpants on when he shakes it all about. So far, no one has offered to turn around in Daft Uisdean’s company.
Instructions – when Ruby Hazelnut taps you with her stick, saying your number, you follow the step instructions according to your number. (e.g. she has just tapped Big Annie and… no Annie you are not supposed to hit her back. Okay another example… she has just tapped Jean so Jean has put her right foot in. Now she's tapping Willie, etc.) Soon, with practice, Ruby hopes that everyone will be keeping time to the record player.
Ruby Hazelnut dancing FAQs
Q) What happens if you put your right foot in twice and can no longer put it in again?
A) Good question, and we will be looking into this.
Q) Can you define the hokey cokey because I think that the Rev. Brimstone and Kylie are doing something else?
A) Oh yes, excuse me Rev. Brimstone, Kylie can keep her clothes on for this one.
Q) When is last orders?
A) That will be when Ruby Hazelnut taps her stick on the beer keg, to the beat of 'ta-ta-tatty-ta,' followed by her unique one-legged version of the common 'pas de basque'.
Q) How can Woodworm Willie put his left foot in when he doesn't have one?
A) Ruby says that dance is "open to one's own spiritual interpretation" and, therefore, Willie can put his wooden leg in.
Q) Why does nobody put their left foot out?
A) We have a jump in the 45 rpm record at that bit, so it won't be necessary.
New dancing enthusiasts welcome! Compulsory, but free, leotards will be given out on a ‘first come first best dressed’ basis, with options of sparkle pink, daffodil yellow, MacDuff tartan or pin striped business grey.
Are you interested, Cyril?
How ‘dancing by numbers’ works:
Below are the dance code instructions, together with names of those already enrolled –
One – put your right foot in –
Two – put your right foot out – Torquil, Jean and Big Annie
Three – put your left foot in – Daft Uisdean, Murdina and Woodworm Willie
Four – shake it all about –
Five – do the hokey cokey – Rev. Hellman Brimstone and Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Six – turn around -
If we don’t get more volunteers to be number ones, Murdina has volunteered to put both of her feet in at the same time. Daft Uisdean has offered to stand in as a number four, to shake it all about, but we only agreed to that on condition that a) we can find him, and b) he keeps his knitted underpants on when he shakes it all about. So far, no one has offered to turn around in Daft Uisdean’s company.
Instructions – when Ruby Hazelnut taps you with her stick, saying your number, you follow the step instructions according to your number. (e.g. she has just tapped Big Annie and… no Annie you are not supposed to hit her back. Okay another example… she has just tapped Jean so Jean has put her right foot in. Now she's tapping Willie, etc.) Soon, with practice, Ruby hopes that everyone will be keeping time to the record player.
Ruby Hazelnut dancing FAQs
Q) What happens if you put your right foot in twice and can no longer put it in again?
A) Good question, and we will be looking into this.
Q) Can you define the hokey cokey because I think that the Rev. Brimstone and Kylie are doing something else?
A) Oh yes, excuse me Rev. Brimstone, Kylie can keep her clothes on for this one.
Q) When is last orders?
A) That will be when Ruby Hazelnut taps her stick on the beer keg, to the beat of 'ta-ta-tatty-ta,' followed by her unique one-legged version of the common 'pas de basque'.
Q) How can Woodworm Willie put his left foot in when he doesn't have one?
A) Ruby says that dance is "open to one's own spiritual interpretation" and, therefore, Willie can put his wooden leg in.
Q) Why does nobody put their left foot out?
A) We have a jump in the 45 rpm record at that bit, so it won't be necessary.
New dancing enthusiasts welcome! Compulsory, but free, leotards will be given out on a ‘first come first best dressed’ basis, with options of sparkle pink, daffodil yellow, MacDuff tartan or pin striped business grey.
Are you interested, Cyril?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
CLAPDARNACH FAQs
Christmas season orders for the Clapdarnach Incense Cones were well up on last year.
Due to the popularity of my Clapdarnachs I’ve been receiving a lot of mail, asking for more details about the manufacturing process. I can’t give away all the secrets but I thought I would post some popular FAQs.
Q. At what age do you do perform crutching on your sheep?
A. Well, that’s a very interesting question. As many of you know, crutching is when you shave the fleece from the sheep’s under tail and hind legs, to prevent dangleberry staining. The answer is, therefore, I don’t do any crutching. I harvest my clapdarnachs straight from the sheep and this area of fleece is important to their housing.
Q. What time of year is best for clapdarnach harvesting?
A. Harvesting is a year round process, but we don’t do it on Sundays until after church or until last orders have been called and all the glasses have been washed and put away at the wool shop. The weather must be dry, in order for the clapdarnachs to keep their firm shape.
Q. Do you brush your teeth before harvesting?
A. Ah, yes, good question and I know where you are coming from here. The answer is NO, never, unless the toothpaste is cinnamon flavour. A crofter’s Number One Rule is to always remember that the smell of mint is terrifying to a lamb.
Q. My lambs have been exposed to the smell of Minty Tic Tacs. What should I do? Can you recommend a good therapist?
A. Try Murdina at the Butcher’s shop. She has chust completed Part One of the “Onions Without Tears” cookery course called – Oven Ready Lamb Without Bleats. Meanwhile keep all Polos and Extra Strong Pandrops well out of range.
Q. How do you get that delicate kipper aroma on the Smoke-cured Santa’s Raindrop Clapdarnachs? I bought some for my girlfriend’s mother and her cats chust love it.
A. Ah, now I can’t be giving away secrets on the smoking process, but it’s all to do with the age of the sheep’s urine that I use to marinade the wood chips.
Keep the questions coming, and I’ll publish the best ones.
Due to the popularity of my Clapdarnachs I’ve been receiving a lot of mail, asking for more details about the manufacturing process. I can’t give away all the secrets but I thought I would post some popular FAQs.
Q. At what age do you do perform crutching on your sheep?
A. Well, that’s a very interesting question. As many of you know, crutching is when you shave the fleece from the sheep’s under tail and hind legs, to prevent dangleberry staining. The answer is, therefore, I don’t do any crutching. I harvest my clapdarnachs straight from the sheep and this area of fleece is important to their housing.
Q. What time of year is best for clapdarnach harvesting?
A. Harvesting is a year round process, but we don’t do it on Sundays until after church or until last orders have been called and all the glasses have been washed and put away at the wool shop. The weather must be dry, in order for the clapdarnachs to keep their firm shape.
Q. Do you brush your teeth before harvesting?
A. Ah, yes, good question and I know where you are coming from here. The answer is NO, never, unless the toothpaste is cinnamon flavour. A crofter’s Number One Rule is to always remember that the smell of mint is terrifying to a lamb.
Q. My lambs have been exposed to the smell of Minty Tic Tacs. What should I do? Can you recommend a good therapist?
A. Try Murdina at the Butcher’s shop. She has chust completed Part One of the “Onions Without Tears” cookery course called – Oven Ready Lamb Without Bleats. Meanwhile keep all Polos and Extra Strong Pandrops well out of range.
Q. How do you get that delicate kipper aroma on the Smoke-cured Santa’s Raindrop Clapdarnachs? I bought some for my girlfriend’s mother and her cats chust love it.
A. Ah, now I can’t be giving away secrets on the smoking process, but it’s all to do with the age of the sheep’s urine that I use to marinade the wood chips.
Keep the questions coming, and I’ll publish the best ones.
Monday, January 02, 2006
First Haggis Egg of 2006 !
Happy New Year - The island's first haggis egg of the new year was laid at 12.06 am and weighed in at 13 ozs. The proud parents, both green-rumped rooting haggi, are doing well and the egg is expected to hatch in a few weeks.
Congratulations to the proud parents!
Friday, December 23, 2005
NEWS FLASH ! Nessie spotted again.
Our overseas news correspondent has chist reported a sighting of Nessie. This time it was seen one mile west of the Skye bridge, on the ferry route to Raasay. Angus-Hugh MacNicol writes, “I was chist swimming along, eating my lamb vindaloo, when all of a sudden there was a giant wave. I thought it was another tsunami, but I looked down and there it was.”
Luckily, Angus Hugh had his underwater camera with him.
Over the past year there have been many more sightings off the island. Last month, Farquar Bogg, of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, was hosing down Daft Uisdean by the ferry terminal when he saw a similar large, green shape rise out of the water.
More on this story as the news unfolds….
Tonight's Raffle Prizes and Programme of Events
Here is the list of raffle prizes which will be drawn at tonight's gig at Esther MacTavish's cattle shed, at 10.15 pm after the entertainement.
1 bicycle pump
3 lady's 'very large' bras
1 can of WD40
2 cans of north Atlantic tuna
6 Slazenger tennis balls
1 masonry hammer
A copy of ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu (translated into Gaelic, of course)
1 exhaust manifold for a 1961 Sunbeam Alpine
A pair of Cheviot Hoof nail clippers
3 balls of string
A bag of Golden Wonder Cheese and Onion crisps
13 oz bag of minty Pandrops
and mother will be baking the usual fruit cake
(Note to mother - I've moved the clapdarnachs from the pantry so when you're baking you won't confuse them with the raisins, like last year.)
Now, I've chist noticed that Cyril has posted the programme for the evening entertainment. Thank you Cyril. Here it is -
At last the final line up for tonights open air christmas gig. Seating strictly limited to seven. We've had one cancelation so that means theres a seated ticket available.
8.30pm: Gates open
8.40pm: Opening address by Sammy
8.41: Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
8.45: Farquar Bogg.
9.00: Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
9.03: Field cleared to allow Roderick in with his tractor
9.20: Magnus and Hugh sing "The Police"
9.23: Nellie and her five performing jack Russell Terriers.
9.28: Nellie and her Jack RussellTerrier perform - "getting in and out of a car the easy way"
9.45: Speech by Henry McKelvingrove - Knightswood - Taylor topic: "Belief in Ferrys - the mandate for Island living"
9.46: Field cleared to allow Sammy to bring the cows in for the night.
10.00: Closing Remarks: Torquil and Company
Apologies: Cyril and the Nosecones will not be performing as Derek insists that the song which begins "Starry starry night.." is a Christmas Carol and this has led to an irreconcilable split in the hamrony of the group.
Patrons are advised to seek their nearest fire exit bearing in mind that the nearest one might be behind you.
Cyril, I hope you don't mind me reprinting the programme. The rest of the boys in Reykjavik tune in to the blog every day for updates.
1 bicycle pump
3 lady's 'very large' bras
1 can of WD40
2 cans of north Atlantic tuna
6 Slazenger tennis balls
1 masonry hammer
A copy of ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu (translated into Gaelic, of course)
1 exhaust manifold for a 1961 Sunbeam Alpine
A pair of Cheviot Hoof nail clippers
3 balls of string
A bag of Golden Wonder Cheese and Onion crisps
13 oz bag of minty Pandrops
and mother will be baking the usual fruit cake
(Note to mother - I've moved the clapdarnachs from the pantry so when you're baking you won't confuse them with the raisins, like last year.)
Now, I've chist noticed that Cyril has posted the programme for the evening entertainment. Thank you Cyril. Here it is -
At last the final line up for tonights open air christmas gig. Seating strictly limited to seven. We've had one cancelation so that means theres a seated ticket available.
8.30pm: Gates open
8.40pm: Opening address by Sammy
8.41: Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
8.45: Farquar Bogg.
9.00: Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
9.03: Field cleared to allow Roderick in with his tractor
9.20: Magnus and Hugh sing "The Police"
9.23: Nellie and her five performing jack Russell Terriers.
9.28: Nellie and her Jack RussellTerrier perform - "getting in and out of a car the easy way"
9.45: Speech by Henry McKelvingrove - Knightswood - Taylor topic: "Belief in Ferrys - the mandate for Island living"
9.46: Field cleared to allow Sammy to bring the cows in for the night.
10.00: Closing Remarks: Torquil and Company
Apologies: Cyril and the Nosecones will not be performing as Derek insists that the song which begins "Starry starry night.." is a Christmas Carol and this has led to an irreconcilable split in the hamrony of the group.
Patrons are advised to seek their nearest fire exit bearing in mind that the nearest one might be behind you.
Cyril, I hope you don't mind me reprinting the programme. The rest of the boys in Reykjavik tune in to the blog every day for updates.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
ADDRESS TO THE ISLAND, BY WOODWORM WILLIE
My fellow citizens, at this hour, Islanders and Teuchter coalition forces from the mainland are in the early stages of military operations to disarm Skye, to free its people and to defend the West-coasters from grave danger.
On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected pubs and off-licenses of drinking importance to undermine Archie Seamus MacLeod’s ability to wage barroom brawls. These are opening stages of what will be a drunken and blurred campaign. More than 35 people are giving crucial support -- from the use of Sammy’s landing strip and the ferry terminal both here and in Ullapool, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of quarter gills. Every teuchter in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.
To all the men, women and village idiots of the Teuchter Armed Forces now in the Minch and the Outer Hebrides, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you. That trust is well placed.
Archie Seamus MacLeod and his band of hostile barmaids will come to know your drinking skill and tall stories. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirits from only the best distilleries. In this conflict, Islanders and Teuchters face an enemy who has no regard for last orders or closing time. Achie Seamus MacLeod has placed his camouflaged barmaids in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and village idiots as shields for his own military -- a final atrocity against the people of Skye.
I want Islanders and all the mainland to know that Teuchter coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent sherry-drinkers from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as Benbecula could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And helping Skye residents achieve a good dram, in clean glasses with free peanuts will require our sustained commitment.
We come to Skye with respect for its pubs, for their great pool tables and for the dartboards they practice on. We have no ambition in Skye, except to remove Grouse whisky, replace it with Isle of Skye and restore control of juke box to its own people.
I know that the families of our Teuchters are praying that all those who serve in the pubs will always continue to give the ‘barman’s nip’. Millions of midges are being sprayed for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the water jugs. For your loss of Archie Seamus MacLeod, you have the gratitude and respect of the Islander communities. And you can know that your husbands might, or might not, be coming home as soon as the pubs are shut.
Our Teuchters enter this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the Islands and our sheep and goats will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of empty bottles, used condoms and cigarette cartons. We will meet that threat now, with our bin bags, brushes, Jeyes disinfectant, and Brillo pads, so that we do not have to meet later with the Ladies Church Guild Cleaning Committee.
Now that Jiff Lemon Dishwashing Liquid has come, the only way to limit its inflamation is to apply Swarfega Hand Cleanser and I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no moisturizer but Nivea!
My fellow Teuchters, the dangers to our islands and to Skye will be overcome. We will pass through the Minch and carry on to Oban. We will defend Uig. We will bring free beer to Raasay and we will prevail.
May God bless the ferry and all who sail in her.
On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected pubs and off-licenses of drinking importance to undermine Archie Seamus MacLeod’s ability to wage barroom brawls. These are opening stages of what will be a drunken and blurred campaign. More than 35 people are giving crucial support -- from the use of Sammy’s landing strip and the ferry terminal both here and in Ullapool, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of quarter gills. Every teuchter in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.
To all the men, women and village idiots of the Teuchter Armed Forces now in the Minch and the Outer Hebrides, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you. That trust is well placed.
Archie Seamus MacLeod and his band of hostile barmaids will come to know your drinking skill and tall stories. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirits from only the best distilleries. In this conflict, Islanders and Teuchters face an enemy who has no regard for last orders or closing time. Achie Seamus MacLeod has placed his camouflaged barmaids in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and village idiots as shields for his own military -- a final atrocity against the people of Skye.
I want Islanders and all the mainland to know that Teuchter coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent sherry-drinkers from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as Benbecula could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And helping Skye residents achieve a good dram, in clean glasses with free peanuts will require our sustained commitment.
We come to Skye with respect for its pubs, for their great pool tables and for the dartboards they practice on. We have no ambition in Skye, except to remove Grouse whisky, replace it with Isle of Skye and restore control of juke box to its own people.
I know that the families of our Teuchters are praying that all those who serve in the pubs will always continue to give the ‘barman’s nip’. Millions of midges are being sprayed for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the water jugs. For your loss of Archie Seamus MacLeod, you have the gratitude and respect of the Islander communities. And you can know that your husbands might, or might not, be coming home as soon as the pubs are shut.
Our Teuchters enter this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the Islands and our sheep and goats will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of empty bottles, used condoms and cigarette cartons. We will meet that threat now, with our bin bags, brushes, Jeyes disinfectant, and Brillo pads, so that we do not have to meet later with the Ladies Church Guild Cleaning Committee.
Now that Jiff Lemon Dishwashing Liquid has come, the only way to limit its inflamation is to apply Swarfega Hand Cleanser and I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no moisturizer but Nivea!
My fellow Teuchters, the dangers to our islands and to Skye will be overcome. We will pass through the Minch and carry on to Oban. We will defend Uig. We will bring free beer to Raasay and we will prevail.
May God bless the ferry and all who sail in her.
WELCOME HOME WILLIE !
On behalf of all the Islanders I’d like to welcome home my good friend Woodworm Willie. As many of you know, our local undertaker, Woodworm, has been in Porterfield prison wrongly accused of the premature burial of Murdo the Butcher.
Willie, who has always claimed his innocence, said to me this morning, “I’d never have made it through the sentence if it wasn’t for the book “Coffin Building from the Inside with Martha Stewart.” Woodworm Willie was greatly inspired by the book.
With the onset of the busy flu season, he will be offering a whole new range of decorated coffins, influenced by his newfound respect for Martha Stewart. Hand painted headstone baubles, casket handle cookie cutters, and strawberry flavoured embalming fluid are just some of the new accessories he’ll be offering for sale.
Willie reports that sales of his economically priced ‘build-it-yerself’ coffins have greatly improved since he added the low-cost tree saw to the package.
Anyway, Welcome home Willie. Parole regulations require Willie to partake in weekly cucumber bubble baths at the police station, but after that we’ll be heading down to the wool shop for a pint.
Willie, who has always claimed his innocence, said to me this morning, “I’d never have made it through the sentence if it wasn’t for the book “Coffin Building from the Inside with Martha Stewart.” Woodworm Willie was greatly inspired by the book.
With the onset of the busy flu season, he will be offering a whole new range of decorated coffins, influenced by his newfound respect for Martha Stewart. Hand painted headstone baubles, casket handle cookie cutters, and strawberry flavoured embalming fluid are just some of the new accessories he’ll be offering for sale.
Willie reports that sales of his economically priced ‘build-it-yerself’ coffins have greatly improved since he added the low-cost tree saw to the package.
Anyway, Welcome home Willie. Parole regulations require Willie to partake in weekly cucumber bubble baths at the police station, but after that we’ll be heading down to the wool shop for a pint.
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Clue?
What does this mean? All around The Island we are finding these strange symbols on rock faces. Has Daft Uisdean been abducted by extraterrestrial beings from another galaxy? There's a dark and uneasy feel about the place today.Magnus needs help to figure this one out. His tarot cards are damp. Can you decipher the meaning of these symbols for us, Cyril? Help, anyone? Is it the mark of the crow, Coinneach Crow?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
EMERGENCY LANDING - Clear the Runway!
Was it a bird? No, it was Cyril, and there was smoke belching from the back of his plane. "Come in Cyril," I shouted. "Cyril, are you there?" And thankfully I got a reply. He'd left the controls chist for a moment, because his pizza was burning. Don't you chist hate that? One minute you're flying along over the Isle of Skye, whistling merrily and looking forward to a slice of pizza, and the next minute you've burned the dinner. I'm sure we can all relate to that.
Well now, our Cyril was running out of fuel, but Cyril, being the perfectionist he is, managed to take her round one last time so that he could clean up the blackened cheese with a brillo pad and do a wee bit of spring cleaning. Aye, he looks just smashing in that new knitted apron with the matching duster.
Anyway, enough about fashion trends... I'm wondering if you're okay Cyril? Sammy misjudged the length of the runway a bit. Perhaps we need to make it more than 100 yds after all. The big pothole at the start didn't help either, did it?
Chist you keep ahold of that big log. Keep kicking your legs, too, and we'll send Maggie Ann out with the boat to pick you up.
PC Hugh Dunnett is preparing one of his speciality cucumber bubble baths for you and Jean has put the kettle on.
Magnus is asking, did the fax paper get wet?
Well now, our Cyril was running out of fuel, but Cyril, being the perfectionist he is, managed to take her round one last time so that he could clean up the blackened cheese with a brillo pad and do a wee bit of spring cleaning. Aye, he looks just smashing in that new knitted apron with the matching duster.
Anyway, enough about fashion trends... I'm wondering if you're okay Cyril? Sammy misjudged the length of the runway a bit. Perhaps we need to make it more than 100 yds after all. The big pothole at the start didn't help either, did it?
Chist you keep ahold of that big log. Keep kicking your legs, too, and we'll send Maggie Ann out with the boat to pick you up.
PC Hugh Dunnett is preparing one of his speciality cucumber bubble baths for you and Jean has put the kettle on.
Magnus is asking, did the fax paper get wet?
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Loose screws, and what the cards say.
After close inspection of Dougal, we found that Daft Uisdean's friend had some loose screws.
Magnus laid out his tarot cards on a flat moss bank. He determined not only that someone has been tampering with Dougal's screws but a very grave situation has been unfolding here on the Island.
He laid out the Fool first. Well, we all know who that is - Daft Uisdean. Holy Moley the next card he pulled was the Wheelbarrow of Fortune! The Chariot card told Magnus that Daft Uisdean was pushing his wheelbarrow through the woods, pretending he was a Roman Emperor, which explains the missing toga from Dorcas MacGillicuddy's washing line. The Devil card appeared! Then the Moon, which lets us know that the Devil was a tourist - Daft Uisdean always moons at the tourists. The Strength card indicated a struggle, where Daft Uisdean had gallant spirit. The Two of Swords and the One of Testicles, confirms this fight. The Two of Cups suggests it was a woman (or even a female hippopotamus). Then there was the Tower card, so Magnus thinks that some woman has kidnapped Daft Uisdean to lock him in her upstairs bedroom. The final card was the Lovers, which worries us the most.
More news will be available after Magnus shuffles the cards again.
Magnus laid out his tarot cards on a flat moss bank. He determined not only that someone has been tampering with Dougal's screws but a very grave situation has been unfolding here on the Island.
He laid out the Fool first. Well, we all know who that is - Daft Uisdean. Holy Moley the next card he pulled was the Wheelbarrow of Fortune! The Chariot card told Magnus that Daft Uisdean was pushing his wheelbarrow through the woods, pretending he was a Roman Emperor, which explains the missing toga from Dorcas MacGillicuddy's washing line. The Devil card appeared! Then the Moon, which lets us know that the Devil was a tourist - Daft Uisdean always moons at the tourists. The Strength card indicated a struggle, where Daft Uisdean had gallant spirit. The Two of Swords and the One of Testicles, confirms this fight. The Two of Cups suggests it was a woman (or even a female hippopotamus). Then there was the Tower card, so Magnus thinks that some woman has kidnapped Daft Uisdean to lock him in her upstairs bedroom. The final card was the Lovers, which worries us the most.
More news will be available after Magnus shuffles the cards again.
Note from Cyril Nosecone
In case anyone didn't see Cyril's addition in the comments section, I thought Cyril's note was worthy of reprinting -
"I got this fax through to my Milan office and a copy was sent to my apartments in Antigua and Moscow."If you go down to the woods today you're in for a big surprise"."
Thank you, Cyril. I've informed Hugh and Magnus, the boys in blue (powder-blue, today, with satin bodices and hand-stitched carnation motifs. ) They asked if you could fly over to the island, taking the fax with you.
I'll light the storm lanterns and clear the sheep from Sammy's new runway. Give me a couple of hours to fill in the pot holes and pick up the rubbish, too.
"I got this fax through to my Milan office and a copy was sent to my apartments in Antigua and Moscow."If you go down to the woods today you're in for a big surprise"."
Thank you, Cyril. I've informed Hugh and Magnus, the boys in blue (powder-blue, today, with satin bodices and hand-stitched carnation motifs. ) They asked if you could fly over to the island, taking the fax with you.
I'll light the storm lanterns and clear the sheep from Sammy's new runway. Give me a couple of hours to fill in the pot holes and pick up the rubbish, too.
What does it mean?
Police Constable, Hugh Dunnett, has called for back-up assistance from the mainland, in order to crack some very unusual clues in the dissapearance of Daft Uisdean. As soon as 'Magnus the Bobby' pumps up the back tyre on his bicycle, he will catch the afternoon ferry.
A leather, pouch-style, wallet has been found, thought to be made from a kangaroo scrotum. It contains 12 assorted marbles, a cheese sandwich, and the following cryptic note "Cast on 48 stiches, using the forest-green Sirdar wool and #10 needles, and then wait by the phone box at the humpy-backed bridge for further instructions."
Does Daft Uisdean have a kangaroo scrotum? Has Daft Uisdean lost his marbles? Was Daft Uisdean cutting through the woods, on his way to the humpy-backed bridge?
"The sooner Magnus the Bobby arrives with his tarot cards the better. I'll chist put the kettle on and run Magnus a warm bath, while I wait. The cucumber bubble bath aids his concentration," said PC Hugh Dunnett.
A leather, pouch-style, wallet has been found, thought to be made from a kangaroo scrotum. It contains 12 assorted marbles, a cheese sandwich, and the following cryptic note "Cast on 48 stiches, using the forest-green Sirdar wool and #10 needles, and then wait by the phone box at the humpy-backed bridge for further instructions."
Does Daft Uisdean have a kangaroo scrotum? Has Daft Uisdean lost his marbles? Was Daft Uisdean cutting through the woods, on his way to the humpy-backed bridge?
"The sooner Magnus the Bobby arrives with his tarot cards the better. I'll chist put the kettle on and run Magnus a warm bath, while I wait. The cucumber bubble bath aids his concentration," said PC Hugh Dunnett.
Has anyone seen Daft Uisdean?
Around 2.34 pm yesterday, the Rev. Hellman Brimstone and 17-year-old, leggy, blonde Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish embarked on a totally innocent and absolutely platonic stroll through the woods. During their guiltless ramble, which was absolutely just for the sole purpose of a chaste and harmless walk, the two cavorters discovered Daft Uisdean’s wheelbarrow, Dougal.
As most of you will know, Dougal and Daft Uisdean are inseparable so we are all very concerned, especially since Dougal was abandoned in an upturned position. Police Constable Hugh Dunnett said, “Clearly there are signs of a struggle, and we have reason to believe there is foul play.” When asked about the foul play, he would only say that the area smelled as if two large hippopotami had been rolling in some Kimchi. Local residents are being asked to be on the look out for fermenting pickled cabbages or wallowing sounds coming from nearby bogs.
Meanwhile we are all keeping a vigil by Dougal’s side in the hope of Daft Uisdean’s safe return.
Anyone with information should click on the word "Comments" below, or click the envelope if you want to inform friends and family of Daft Uisdean's dissapearance.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Reflections - Willie, Myself and Cyril Nosecone - Part Two
Now where did I leave off with our reminiscences, Willie? Oh yes, I was talking about Daft Uisdean’s tadger. Now I’m so sorry if I offend any of you young ladies out there with the tale of Daft Uisdean’s tadger. His tadger causes such a problem at the ferry terminal on the Island. Daft Uisdean keeps flashing. It scares the tourists away and we need the tourist income on the island.
Do you remember Willie when you lost your wooden leg? Oh and Jean at the Wool Shop thought she would be able to help. Our Jean wrote an Email to the local radio station, broadcasting from the island of Skye, appealing for a pair of crutches for you. Then do you remember when the two very camp and effeminate gentlemen, clad in tight black leather, knocked on your door? That was when Jean realised her mistake in the email. She’d spelt ‘crutches’ with an ‘o’. She was very apologetic for her mistake.
And then we got the ransom note. “We have your leg and if you ever want to see it walk again you must pull out of the election. Also we want a case of whisky left by the sheddie at the ferry terminal tonight by 11.30 pm.” That was during the election, when you were running for chairperson for the annual Hogmanay party committee.
We contacted Magnus, the police constable from the mainland, and once he had pumped up the back tyre on his bicycle he caught the next ferry over. Murdo the butcher helped us coordinate a steak-out and you came up with a good idea of adding laxative to the bottles of whisky so that Magnus would have a trail to follow.
Well we enjoyed Murdo’s steak but clean forgot about the laxative in the whisky. We drank the lot. We were all suffering from dehydration and we are taking it in turns to use Jean’s bathroom there at the knitting shop.
Then the other ransom note arrived, threatening biological warfare. The note said that they will give your leg a dose of Dutch Elm disease unless we canceled the Hogmanay Party altogether. They also demanded a helicopter to be at Sammy’s pad with enough fuel to get to Ullapool.
We were so perplexed and Magnus couldn’t think of any suspects. He tried the tarot cards, we had a game of “eeie meenie minie moe, catch the ransomer by the toe”, and then we set up an identification parade down at the ferry terminal. You, Magnus and my good self stood in a row for 30 minutes but no one recognised us because some bright spark had shaved off our hair and eyebrows during the night while we were ‘under the influence’.
Finally the leg was found, hidden in a box disguised as a Christmas parcel, “To Dad, Love Daft Uisdean.” Aye your poor leg had Dutch Elm Disease, so it had. We called in Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department. Farquar began enforcing a community wide sanitation program to spray and inoculate against the Elm Bark Beetle. He showed a public information video in Jean’s wool shop, called “Nightmare on Elm Trees” narrated by Freddie MacKrueger.
Aye we had to keep all children, pets and village idiots indoors until Farquar had finished with the poisonous treatment. I was issuing gas masks for the elderly. You, Willie, began to make sure that all illegal whisky stills were covered during the chemical treatment process and Jean had to ask Daft Uisdean to take a bath, incase his fumes cause a chemical reaction. When he refused we all had to jump on him while Rev. Hellman Brimstone hosed him down.
Aye, Willie, those were the days.
Well the timer on the oven is bleeping so another batch of Christmas clapdarnachs is ready to take out.
Goodnight Willie.
Do you remember Willie when you lost your wooden leg? Oh and Jean at the Wool Shop thought she would be able to help. Our Jean wrote an Email to the local radio station, broadcasting from the island of Skye, appealing for a pair of crutches for you. Then do you remember when the two very camp and effeminate gentlemen, clad in tight black leather, knocked on your door? That was when Jean realised her mistake in the email. She’d spelt ‘crutches’ with an ‘o’. She was very apologetic for her mistake.
And then we got the ransom note. “We have your leg and if you ever want to see it walk again you must pull out of the election. Also we want a case of whisky left by the sheddie at the ferry terminal tonight by 11.30 pm.” That was during the election, when you were running for chairperson for the annual Hogmanay party committee.
We contacted Magnus, the police constable from the mainland, and once he had pumped up the back tyre on his bicycle he caught the next ferry over. Murdo the butcher helped us coordinate a steak-out and you came up with a good idea of adding laxative to the bottles of whisky so that Magnus would have a trail to follow.
Well we enjoyed Murdo’s steak but clean forgot about the laxative in the whisky. We drank the lot. We were all suffering from dehydration and we are taking it in turns to use Jean’s bathroom there at the knitting shop.
Then the other ransom note arrived, threatening biological warfare. The note said that they will give your leg a dose of Dutch Elm disease unless we canceled the Hogmanay Party altogether. They also demanded a helicopter to be at Sammy’s pad with enough fuel to get to Ullapool.
We were so perplexed and Magnus couldn’t think of any suspects. He tried the tarot cards, we had a game of “eeie meenie minie moe, catch the ransomer by the toe”, and then we set up an identification parade down at the ferry terminal. You, Magnus and my good self stood in a row for 30 minutes but no one recognised us because some bright spark had shaved off our hair and eyebrows during the night while we were ‘under the influence’.
Finally the leg was found, hidden in a box disguised as a Christmas parcel, “To Dad, Love Daft Uisdean.” Aye your poor leg had Dutch Elm Disease, so it had. We called in Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department. Farquar began enforcing a community wide sanitation program to spray and inoculate against the Elm Bark Beetle. He showed a public information video in Jean’s wool shop, called “Nightmare on Elm Trees” narrated by Freddie MacKrueger.
Aye we had to keep all children, pets and village idiots indoors until Farquar had finished with the poisonous treatment. I was issuing gas masks for the elderly. You, Willie, began to make sure that all illegal whisky stills were covered during the chemical treatment process and Jean had to ask Daft Uisdean to take a bath, incase his fumes cause a chemical reaction. When he refused we all had to jump on him while Rev. Hellman Brimstone hosed him down.
Aye, Willie, those were the days.
Well the timer on the oven is bleeping so another batch of Christmas clapdarnachs is ready to take out.
Goodnight Willie.
Help, Cyril, the Russians are here!
Are you there Cyril? Look! I took a photograph of his boat, The Golly Bodger. It's that burly Russian guy - the one who throws Smirnoff bottles. He's anchored his rowing boat off the island and he's come ashore. The island is on a code red alert. We've posted Daft Uisdean at the jetty to round up all the tourists; the Venetian blinds are down at the Wool Shop: the still has been dismantled and hidden in the nissan huts; and Willie's dog, Tripod, is hot on the trail to track the scent of Vodka. Gossip has it that he's come for you, Cyril. Rev. Hellman Brimstone said he saw him carrying a package with a label reading, "From Russia with Love." In his other hand he held a golden gun. This is for your eyes only, Cyril. I think he's got a view to kill. Run like the Living Daylights and remember - Tomorrow Never Dies, you can Dye your hair Another Day! Run!
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