You were right, Cyril!

It appears that Sponge Bath Square Bob's arm wasn't severed after all.

MYSTERIOUS DISSAPEARANCES - More Clues Found

At 5 pm last night, Woodworm Willie and his dog, Tripod, were taking a leisurely limp around the grounds of The Dangly Balls Geriatric Home when Tripod discovered what could be another clue in the case of the dissapearing geriatrics.

A severed hand, attached to a sponge, was found on the gravel driveway!

The hand, still warm, and the sponge, still soapy, are thought to belong to hygeine specialist and charge nurse, Sponge Bath Square Bob. However, to our knowledge, Sponge Bath Square Bob has not yet reported a missing hand.

When asked to quote on the mysterious dissapearances and the additional find of a severed hand, PC Hugh Dunnett would only say, "this one is a real nail biter."

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH*

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH* - Reports are surfacing from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home that old Malcolm and his ventriloquist dummy, Mabel, vanished into thin air with just 3 minutes and 21 seconds left of hygiene hour. Malcolm and Mabel were last seen entering the Hygiene Room, wearing British Airways inflatable life vests and carrying regulation size sponges.

Fred Twitters captured this shot from inside of the Hygiene Room and Bath House at the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home.

*URGENT NEWS FLASH*

*URGENT NEWS FLASH* Two more people have vanished from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home - the twins Morag Ness and Agnes More vanished during hygiene hour again. Charge Nurse Sponge Bath Square Bob is now being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett.

Earlier today, Fred Twitters took some photographs of the outside of the Hygiene Room and Bath house.

Swarfega Steak Out!

Photographer, Fred Twitters, was practicing with his zoom lens when he captured this shot.

Local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, waits down at the pier, hoping to catch his Swarfega thief.

Little does Spanners know but, following a tip off from the ladies of the church guild's knitting circle, Daft Uisdean has now relocated his stall.

To be continued...

Daft Uisdean needs help

Business entrepreneur, Daft Uisdean is selling empty crisp bags full of Swarfega to the tourists down at the ferry terminal. (Two quid for packets of Cheese and Onion and two fifty for Prawn Cocktail.)

He has set up a table, with a clean floral table cloth, and all the crisp bags are in neat rows. However, business is not what he expected. For some reason, the tourists are not keen to buy. He's baffled!

Uisdean thought that sales would pick up if maybe he had a catchy logo that he could write on a sign. He is busy practicing his joined up writing but needs help to think up an appropriate logo or catch phrase.

Can you help? (Send your entry in the comments section below.)

Have you seen Padraig Post?

Sponge Bath Square Bob, male Charge Nurse from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home, has reported that during 'hygiene hour' one of the elderly residents went missing.

Please be on the look out, check your outhouses, for Padraig Post (ex postman). When last seen, Padraig was wearing a Hessian mailbag, Gimli helmet, flip flips (that's two lefts from a pair of flip flops), and wielding a soap on a rope.

E-mail Sponge Bath Square Bob, in the comments section below, if you have any information to share about Padraig Post.

Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Daft Uisdean has discovered gold!

The worth of Daft Uisdean's shed has elevated far beyond normal normal property values, as it now sits directly beneath the end of the rainbow. Uisdean can be seen daily, lugging out enormous golden pots from the inside of the premises.

A recent sale agreement, where Daft Uisdean was preparing to hand over the property to Cyril Nosecone, has now been cancelled and the boy is delighted. Rubbing his hands together in Swarfega, Daft Uisdean said, "It's mine again. The shed is all mine."

A spokesperson on behalf of Sydney Devine reports that Sydney is now offering his services to be abducted in the shed again, but Daft Usidean has thumbed his nose to the proposal, "I'm not interested in Sydney any more. The boy that plays down at the hotel said I could sing duets with him, if I fixed the roof in the old ferry terminal building and made us a recording studio."

Photograph compliments of Fiona and her paintings.

Murdina stops for a smoke.

Murdina, at the butcher shop, has been swamped with work recently. She's trachled.














"Darn chickens are all sneezing," she said, "and those cows wi' the wobbly legs just will'nae stand still long enough for me to aim the rifle. I hit Woodworm Willie in his prosthesis yesterday. Aye, the bullet went straight through the wood, so it did, and rebounded off the chopping block, lodging itself in the pudding mix. Darned if I can find it anywhere. Been up to my elbow ever since. So, black pudding is on sale today."

Poor Murdina. She asks, "Any capable tradesmen out there who can bung the hole in Willie's stump?"

Judges regroup in secret to reconsider their decision.

Rumors were circulating around the island about a mysterious meeting last week of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition judges. The judges were seen, secretly gathering behind the old sheddie, down at the ferry terminal.

Fred Twitter, of the local ornithology group, was observing Canadian geese from the local bird hide when he captured this shot through his telephoto lens, showing one of the judges hiding behind the sheddie.
















News is now breaking that the judges of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition have reconsidered their original decision about the competition winner.

The winning entry had previously been announced as Fiona and her paintings, with their fabulous shot entitled “Homage to Gilbert and George,” but upon receiving new evidence, a first equal prize will now be awarded to Deirdre for her photograph “Short but Sweet”.

Big Maggie Ann, a spokesperson from the local gossip circle said, "Shhhh, didnae say I told you this, but Deirdre was blackmailing the committee of judges. Aye, she was, but didnae say you heard it from me. Okay?"

Meanwhile, due to the publication of Fred Twitter's photograph of the sheddie, local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, is being questioned by local building code inspectors. Spanners, who had recently been awarded a three figure sum for the contract of pannel beating and refurbishing the sheddie, had been paid in full by MacBrains Ferries for completion of his work. The quality of his pannel beating is now in question.

Our representative from the local gossip circle, Big Maggie Ann, said, "Dinnae trust thon Spanners bloke. He disnae do the work. He pockets the money and sends Daft Uisdean oot wi a hammer and six nails. Look! Oor Sheddie's falling doon! But, Shhh, dinnae say it wus me who said it."

News from the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, Est 1862

Great news!

Annie, of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862, recently secured funding from the Crofters' Commission to buy a new tuba.

She has sent us a photo of her wonderful new tuba, pictured left.

Annie says, "I have now managed to master middle C, an F# and a B flat. The rest of the notes will be found in time. I know they are in there somewhere. I just have to find them."

When asked what her first solo piece will be, with the fabulous new tuba, Annie answered, "Can you repeat the question?"

Well done Annie and her new new tuba!

AND THE WINNER IS --->>>

Fiona and her paintings have won "The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with their entry - "Homage to Gilbert and George."

Well done Fiona and her paintings!

Your entry was chosen as the winner due to the artistic presentation of the natural flower arrangement of crocuses around your clapdarnachs. How beautifully presented, indeed!!! This is a true homage to Gilbert and George.

Your prize will be sent to you. Please allow 5 – 10 working days for delivery.

Thank you to all other contestants for your imaginative entries, especially Deirdre from Arbroath (who thought she had won.)

Iron age clapdarnach found!

We have just received the final entry for our competition.

' The boy that plays down at the hotel' has uncovered a genuine iron age clapdarnach and has submitted this spectacular photo of it as a competition entry for our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition".

Well done to the boy that plays down at the hotel and good luck with the competition.


All competition entries are currently being judged by our panel of experts and a winning entry will be announced soon.

Hamish's under water clapdarnach

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver has submitted this giant clapdarnach photo. Must've been from a whale.

He says "Look at the size ah that! It's got tae be the worlds biggest Clamdarnach! What dae ah win? Ah've even been polishing it. Braw eh?"

Well done and good luck, Hamish!

"Hooters" - Frae Big Angus up the Brae

Big Angus frae up the Brae, sent us this photo called "Hooters" of some owl clapdarnachs.

He is very excited about our clapdarnach photo competition. Rubbing his hands together and licking his lips, Big Angus said that he is fond watching this particular pair of hooters outside of his window.

Good luck with your "Hooters", Big Angus.

Daft Uisdean enters the competition

Daft Uisdean entered our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with this image. He calls the photo "Skinny Malinky - Part One".

"Skinny Malinky - Part Two" is still stuck to the sole of his shoe.

Good luck with the competition, Daft Uisdean! Meanwhile, try using the power hose down at Spanners' garage for your shoe.

'After the Rain' by Farquar Bogg

Farquar Bogg, of the Department of Santitiation, Agriculture and Rumba Dancing has given me this photo to put forward to our 'Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition'.

His portrait is called, "After the Rain".

Good luck Farquar Bogg!

Clapdarnach Photo by Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth)

Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth) have sent this photo to be entred into the competition. The photo is called "Juicy Fruit" and Maggie assures us it was still steaming when snapped.

"Note its glint, as the sunlight catches the top of it," she says.

Good luck Big Maggie Ann!

Artistic competition entry from Fiona and her paintings

Fiona and her paintings have sent me this fabulous entry to "The Prettiest Clapdarnach" photo competition, entitled "Homage to Gilbert and George."

As you can see, "Homage to Gilbert and George" is set amidst some early spring crocus flowers, a perfect setting for this gem.

Good luck Fiona and her paintings!

Wullie Spanners' captures a wonderful trio of clapdarnachs

Wullie Spanners' photo is entitled "Happy Trails".

"I like the evenly spaced arrangement here," said Jean.

Good luck Wullie! Here's hoping this shot wins you many happy trails, too.