Hunting High and Low

I searched everywhere! I even looked in all the places where cobwebs grew faster than the hair on Big Maggie Ann's chin -- in the bedpan under mother's bed, in the glove compartment of Woodworm Willie's leg, in Daft Uisdean's underpant drawer, and even in the wallet belonging to the boy that plays down at the hotel. . . For weeks I've been rummaging through Jean's pins and needles in the woolshop and Wullie Spanners' nuts and bolts at the garage.

Finally . . .

You'll be pleased to hear . . .

I found the password to this site.

Have a guess where I found it? Answers on a postcard please, for a chance to win a Heathkit & Robinson Mk2A Sausage Machine.

Flying Sheep spotted over island

This photograph was taken by fisherman Duncan Ferris-Crabbs this morning, as the flying sheep swooped down over his trawler, Big Maggie Ann III.

Today's Island Courier reported, "Once again, Torquil's flying sheep have been spotted over the minch and island air traffic controller, Harry Uppenland, is livid. Harry said, "Torquil's flying sheep pose a perilous threat to both incoming and outgoing air traffic on the island and we must urgently install sheep scarers around runway perimeters. I have submitted the appropriate grant proposal to D.A.S.A.R.D. (The Dept. of Agriculture, Sanitation and Rumba Dancing). Up until now we have only had to deal with risks imposed by flocks of birds but thanks to the new Highland Island Enterprise Scheme, offering flying lessons to rural crofters, flocks of sheep have managed to bypass red tape and qualify for places on flying courses. This poses a grave threat to the future safety of air traffic control."

So far, Harry Uppenland reports that he has only had to deal with single sheep, as photographed above, but he says the reality of large numbers of sheep flying in flocks is becoing a huge concern.

D.A.S.A.R.D. report that they are seeking advice from local pilot and international entrepeneur, Cyril Nosecone and we will publish Cyril's reply in due course.

Cyril Nosecone aims for new heights

Cyril, pictured right, has embarked on an intensive new flight training programme.

Local bird enthusiast, Fred Twitter, was on hand to photograph Cyril’s progress.

Good luck with the test flight, Cyril!

Tripod gets framed

Woodworm Willie has been concerned about his dog, Tripod, for some time now. “His eyesight is just not what it used to be,” says Willie.

My friend Willie scratched his stump and continued. “On the night that Tripod found Sponge Bath Square Bob’s hand, he should have known that the hand was still attached to Square Bob’s arm.”

I asked Willie what could be done and he replied, “I’ve taken Tripod to the vet mannie for a full eye sight evaluation.

Hamish the bearded clam diver was on hand to capture the intense mood with a few photos, as Tripod was being examined. A full report will be issued soon.

And the competition winner is ...

The boy who plays down at the hotel has won the competition to name Jean's new purple car. Jean has chosen to call her car "Smoke." (I hope this won't be an omen of things to come.)

Well done to the boy who plays down at the hotel. Your prize will be posted out to you within the next few days. So watch out for the pass-the-parcel delivery van.

Thanks to all other competitors, including Deirdre from Ardbroath. I hope she won't be too upset again at losing.

Help name Jean's car.

Tension remains high as we all await news in the case of the disappearing geriatrics.

In order to relieve pressure, Jean has asked a favour of everyone on the island. Can you help her to name her new car?

“As far as I can tell, the car is female,” said Jean, “but I am not exactly sure how to determine this. Maybe someone could help. The car is purple. It has two front seats and a back seat with four doors. The tyres are well kept, like new really, and it has a spare key, but the radio is missing.”

Jean adds, “Please do not tell Wullie Spanners about this purchase, as I did not buy my purple car in his garage and I hear he gets a little grumpy if people import cars from the mainland. But, it was such a lovely day for buying a car. Oh I do like buying a good car, so I do.”

So please can you offer suggestions as to an appropriate name for Jeans purple car. Meanwhile, feel free to ask her questions about her new vehicle.

You were right, Cyril!

It appears that Sponge Bath Square Bob's arm wasn't severed after all.

MYSTERIOUS DISSAPEARANCES - More Clues Found

At 5 pm last night, Woodworm Willie and his dog, Tripod, were taking a leisurely limp around the grounds of The Dangly Balls Geriatric Home when Tripod discovered what could be another clue in the case of the dissapearing geriatrics.

A severed hand, attached to a sponge, was found on the gravel driveway!

The hand, still warm, and the sponge, still soapy, are thought to belong to hygeine specialist and charge nurse, Sponge Bath Square Bob. However, to our knowledge, Sponge Bath Square Bob has not yet reported a missing hand.

When asked to quote on the mysterious dissapearances and the additional find of a severed hand, PC Hugh Dunnett would only say, "this one is a real nail biter."

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH*

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH* - Reports are surfacing from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home that old Malcolm and his ventriloquist dummy, Mabel, vanished into thin air with just 3 minutes and 21 seconds left of hygiene hour. Malcolm and Mabel were last seen entering the Hygiene Room, wearing British Airways inflatable life vests and carrying regulation size sponges.

Fred Twitters captured this shot from inside of the Hygiene Room and Bath House at the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home.

*URGENT NEWS FLASH*

*URGENT NEWS FLASH* Two more people have vanished from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home - the twins Morag Ness and Agnes More vanished during hygiene hour again. Charge Nurse Sponge Bath Square Bob is now being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett.

Earlier today, Fred Twitters took some photographs of the outside of the Hygiene Room and Bath house.

Swarfega Steak Out!

Photographer, Fred Twitters, was practicing with his zoom lens when he captured this shot.

Local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, waits down at the pier, hoping to catch his Swarfega thief.

Little does Spanners know but, following a tip off from the ladies of the church guild's knitting circle, Daft Uisdean has now relocated his stall.

To be continued...

Daft Uisdean needs help

Business entrepreneur, Daft Uisdean is selling empty crisp bags full of Swarfega to the tourists down at the ferry terminal. (Two quid for packets of Cheese and Onion and two fifty for Prawn Cocktail.)

He has set up a table, with a clean floral table cloth, and all the crisp bags are in neat rows. However, business is not what he expected. For some reason, the tourists are not keen to buy. He's baffled!

Uisdean thought that sales would pick up if maybe he had a catchy logo that he could write on a sign. He is busy practicing his joined up writing but needs help to think up an appropriate logo or catch phrase.

Can you help? (Send your entry in the comments section below.)

Have you seen Padraig Post?

Sponge Bath Square Bob, male Charge Nurse from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home, has reported that during 'hygiene hour' one of the elderly residents went missing.

Please be on the look out, check your outhouses, for Padraig Post (ex postman). When last seen, Padraig was wearing a Hessian mailbag, Gimli helmet, flip flips (that's two lefts from a pair of flip flops), and wielding a soap on a rope.

E-mail Sponge Bath Square Bob, in the comments section below, if you have any information to share about Padraig Post.

Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Daft Uisdean has discovered gold!

The worth of Daft Uisdean's shed has elevated far beyond normal normal property values, as it now sits directly beneath the end of the rainbow. Uisdean can be seen daily, lugging out enormous golden pots from the inside of the premises.

A recent sale agreement, where Daft Uisdean was preparing to hand over the property to Cyril Nosecone, has now been cancelled and the boy is delighted. Rubbing his hands together in Swarfega, Daft Uisdean said, "It's mine again. The shed is all mine."

A spokesperson on behalf of Sydney Devine reports that Sydney is now offering his services to be abducted in the shed again, but Daft Usidean has thumbed his nose to the proposal, "I'm not interested in Sydney any more. The boy that plays down at the hotel said I could sing duets with him, if I fixed the roof in the old ferry terminal building and made us a recording studio."

Photograph compliments of Fiona and her paintings.

Murdina stops for a smoke.

Murdina, at the butcher shop, has been swamped with work recently. She's trachled.














"Darn chickens are all sneezing," she said, "and those cows wi' the wobbly legs just will'nae stand still long enough for me to aim the rifle. I hit Woodworm Willie in his prosthesis yesterday. Aye, the bullet went straight through the wood, so it did, and rebounded off the chopping block, lodging itself in the pudding mix. Darned if I can find it anywhere. Been up to my elbow ever since. So, black pudding is on sale today."

Poor Murdina. She asks, "Any capable tradesmen out there who can bung the hole in Willie's stump?"

Judges regroup in secret to reconsider their decision.

Rumors were circulating around the island about a mysterious meeting last week of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition judges. The judges were seen, secretly gathering behind the old sheddie, down at the ferry terminal.

Fred Twitter, of the local ornithology group, was observing Canadian geese from the local bird hide when he captured this shot through his telephoto lens, showing one of the judges hiding behind the sheddie.
















News is now breaking that the judges of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition have reconsidered their original decision about the competition winner.

The winning entry had previously been announced as Fiona and her paintings, with their fabulous shot entitled “Homage to Gilbert and George,” but upon receiving new evidence, a first equal prize will now be awarded to Deirdre for her photograph “Short but Sweet”.

Big Maggie Ann, a spokesperson from the local gossip circle said, "Shhhh, didnae say I told you this, but Deirdre was blackmailing the committee of judges. Aye, she was, but didnae say you heard it from me. Okay?"

Meanwhile, due to the publication of Fred Twitter's photograph of the sheddie, local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, is being questioned by local building code inspectors. Spanners, who had recently been awarded a three figure sum for the contract of pannel beating and refurbishing the sheddie, had been paid in full by MacBrains Ferries for completion of his work. The quality of his pannel beating is now in question.

Our representative from the local gossip circle, Big Maggie Ann, said, "Dinnae trust thon Spanners bloke. He disnae do the work. He pockets the money and sends Daft Uisdean oot wi a hammer and six nails. Look! Oor Sheddie's falling doon! But, Shhh, dinnae say it wus me who said it."

News from the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, Est 1862

Great news!

Annie, of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862, recently secured funding from the Crofters' Commission to buy a new tuba.

She has sent us a photo of her wonderful new tuba, pictured left.

Annie says, "I have now managed to master middle C, an F# and a B flat. The rest of the notes will be found in time. I know they are in there somewhere. I just have to find them."

When asked what her first solo piece will be, with the fabulous new tuba, Annie answered, "Can you repeat the question?"

Well done Annie and her new new tuba!

AND THE WINNER IS --->>>

Fiona and her paintings have won "The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with their entry - "Homage to Gilbert and George."

Well done Fiona and her paintings!

Your entry was chosen as the winner due to the artistic presentation of the natural flower arrangement of crocuses around your clapdarnachs. How beautifully presented, indeed!!! This is a true homage to Gilbert and George.

Your prize will be sent to you. Please allow 5 – 10 working days for delivery.

Thank you to all other contestants for your imaginative entries, especially Deirdre from Arbroath (who thought she had won.)

Iron age clapdarnach found!

We have just received the final entry for our competition.

' The boy that plays down at the hotel' has uncovered a genuine iron age clapdarnach and has submitted this spectacular photo of it as a competition entry for our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition".

Well done to the boy that plays down at the hotel and good luck with the competition.


All competition entries are currently being judged by our panel of experts and a winning entry will be announced soon.

Hamish's under water clapdarnach

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver has submitted this giant clapdarnach photo. Must've been from a whale.

He says "Look at the size ah that! It's got tae be the worlds biggest Clamdarnach! What dae ah win? Ah've even been polishing it. Braw eh?"

Well done and good luck, Hamish!