Get it while it's hot - Programme Two is here!!

It's ready folks. Come and get it!

Programme Two of Lovely Day Radio can now be downloaded to your ears.

Running Time = 34.09 mins

File size = 27.3 MB

Drum roll please.......




Tune in here --->

http://www.switchpod.com/users/highlandisland/LovelyDayRadio_Prog_2.mp3

Enjoy the show and don't forget to send your comments to Jean. She loves to hear from all her listeners.

Prophecy of The Daft Drooling Child

While we’re waiting for the radio show to begin, I thought you might like to see some more of Coinneach Crows predictions. Here is a transcript of Coinneach’s speech, down at the ferry terminal this morning. As usual, Coinneach fixed his gaze onto the horizon line, his pupils glazed over and the trance began.

“Caw! Caw! Coinneach Crow is a wise crow. He must never be doubted. Coinneach smells a daft, drooling child with webbed fingers and toes. The boy is on a quest, as he seeks his true father. His search will uncover a revolution never before witnessed on this island or any other land. Caw! Hear my words, the revolution will bring many men to this island, flocking from near and far away lands. Men will come singing rejoicing, arm in arm and hand in hand. I see conflict with the church, much resistance as truths are questioned. Meanwhile, the daft miracle shall be walking among us like a king. Beware, though, of many ferries arriving at this terminal. You must find a way to control the miracle or risk changes that might destroy this community as we see it now. Caw! Coinneach Crow has spoken.”

Surely, "the daft drooling child" can be none other than our own Daft Uisdean!

"Hurry up, Daft Uisdean."

Loud chanting can be heard down at the ferry terminal. You can hear it in the woods, on hill tops, in septic tanks, and in the church, too. The echo of chanting even resounds through Murdina's sausage machine, as she sweats to meet demand for the latest recipe in her new range of sausage links - clam and hog's head cheese with mint and licorice seasoning. They're chanting, "Hurry Up Daft Uisdean."

Uisdean, under terrible pressure now, is being urged to complete the editing process on the second show of Lovely Day Radio. According to Jean, the show is nearly ready to broadcast. "It should be ready within the next two days now. We have another wonderful performance from The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofter's Brass Ensemble, Est. 1862, lots of great music and features and a live interview with Hamish the bearded clam diver." She asks for "a wee bitty more patience". I couldn't help feeling that Jean was looking especially nervous, though.

Meanwhile, down at the ferry terminal, local gossip is circulating that the delay and editing problems has something to do with Woodworm Willie. The word "blackmail" was used several times. Why would Woodworm Willie be blackmailing Jean and Daft Uisdean of Lovely Day Radio, and what are the terms of his demands?

"Take that!" said Willie, to the pin-poker

Dear Readers and Listeners,

"I think there's someone practicing voodoo on the island," said Jean, when I talked to her after church yesterday. "I keep getting these prickles all over me, so I do, and I'm having awful bad luck with meeting deadlines for the radio show."

When I asked her what sort of prickle she was feeling these days, Jean said, "It's hard to explain. First I feel an "ouch," followed by an "oooo" and then it sort of goes "goodness gracious me" and it ends up with me saying "I think I'll be putting a wee bitty less Dandelion and Burdock into my cooking whisky tonight," and Jean finally admitted, "then I get myself a wee bitty of a hang-over in the morning, so I do."

I asked Jean why she thought her feeling prickles was due to someone practicing voodoo, and she said, "Because I found this stuffed rag doll down at the ferry terminal, covered in safety pins."

P.C. Hugh Dunnett, Woodworm Willie and myself were on the case straight away. We applied to the northern constabulary on the mainland for a grant and opened a mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal (compliments of Sammy's Porta-Potties Ltd.) and we placed the stuffed rag doll, with the safety pins still inserted, outside as bait. Hugh, Willie and myself then sat inside the incident room, waiting for an incident. (Willie had drilled some peep holes in the side wall of the incident room, just like he does in the joke coffins on his April 1st funerals.)

Well right enough, we saw someone saunter along the jetty holding a fresh box of safety pins.

On the count of three, Hugh, Willie and I pounced on the occultist. Hugh confiscated the pins and slapped on the cuffs, Willie slammed him on the head with a bottle of embalming fluid “Take that!” and I took a photo, for crime scene evidence.

Well, it was none other than Daft Uisdean, looking for his rag doll, Boo.

“Where’s my Boo?” said the Daft boy.
“Boo Who?” said P.C. Dunnett.

We’d never seen a grown policeman cry before, but when Daft Uisdean told him that Boo’s ear was falling off and when Uisdean explained how he’d used safety pins to keep Boo’s ear on, P.C. Dunnett cried, “How am I going to explain to the northern constabulary on the mainland that the funding for the incident room was all in vain?”

Meanwhile, Jean’s shingles are still in recovery, so, yet again, there will be a delay in the second radio show.

Yours truly

Torquil

P.S. Cyril, How can we stop your Daft Uisdean from feeding cheese to his computer mouse? Its 'all gunked up' and his mouse pad smells like his feet!

Message from Jean

The second show of Lovely Day Radio is coming along nicely but Jean has broken some finger nails while out at sea, hauling in her lobster creels. She really wants to look her best for the radio show, so there will be a short delay in the production, while Jean guzzles some jelly cubes, buys a new emery board and prepares her No. 23 "crimson swirl delight" varnish.

Other News -

The Fish Festival is underway here on the island. So, here are today's prize winners.

• Best fish joke - Daft Uisdean
• Best fish impersonation - Daft Uisdean
• Fishery protection prize - Daft Uisdean and his WWI canon
• Most body parts in a fish bowl - Daft Uisdean
• Leaping the waterfall - Daft Uisdean
• 2006 prize for bottom feeder choreography - Daft Uisdean
• HMS Titanic Prize for iceberg relocation - Daft Uisdean for moving most icebergs to the Nowegian fjords

News flash -

Our underwater correspondant, Sven Johansen, has just reported that Oslo is now completely underwater.

Lovely Day Radio, Programme 2, will be coming soon to your ears, so stay tuned.

Daft Uisdean in a tangle

Jean would like to express her thanks for all the kind comments and interesting emails about Lovely Day Radio. She says, "Can you tell all your lurking readers that it's time to come out of the closet to say hello. I know you're out there, yes I do. Lots of regulars out there have still to come forward yet. Drop me a line, will you now. Yes do that, why don't you now. I don't bite, no I don't, I really don't. And, it's a lovely day now so it is... just smashing."

Another radio show is sheduled in the very near future, once Daft Uisdean has untangled his woolen underpants from the turntable at the studio. We're hoping to release another show by July 14th, at the latest.

Keep the coments and suggestions coming, though!

It's a Lovely Day for... Lovely Day Radio

The moment you have all been waiting for has finally arrived. Jean and Daft Uisdean are ready to launch their - "Lovely Day Radio" podcast.

Tune in here --->

http://www.switchpod.com/users/highlandisland/LovelyDayRadio_Prog1.mp3

Or, at "iTunes" here --->

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=160812251


We'd like to know your opinion of their work, too. So, good or bad, please leave us a comment below, once you have listened to the show.

Email the show at - highlandisland@verizon.net

(Run time is about 27.5 minutes. File size is about 12.5 MB)

P.S. Please let me know if Jean sounds like a chipmunk in the streaming version. She is allergic to chipmunks.

Many Full Moons

- Crowds of Daft Uisdean's fans remove their underpants and flock to the park, awaiting the launch of Lovely Day Radio -

Hundreds of Daft Uisdean's fans have gathered in the park behind the woolshop. They are bowing down in support of the inspiring work being created by Daft Uisdean and Jean, praying that the two locals will meet the deadline of June 19th for the launch of their Lovely Day Radio.

PC Hugh Dunnett has asked that, for now, could the Ladies of the Church Guild please look the other way when passing the field, and can all crofters please keep their rampant rams and sniffing sheepdogs on a leash, until Daft Uisdean's supporters are safely back inside their underpants.

Lovely Day Radio Launch

We're all getting excited here, awaiting the launch of Lovely Day Radio.

Speaking with Jean earlier today she said, "Uisdean is getting quite good at the controls now. This is our first attempt at a radio show but we're learning more each day."

I asked her when we can expect to hear the first show.

"We hope to have the first show uploaded by Monday June 19th (Juneteenth)," she said, adding, "Annie recorded a lovely solo on her trombone, live in the studio, backed by the fabulous Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862. And, we had a visit from another popular guest, but I don't want to spoil the surprise for our listeners. There will be something for everyone in the show."

So there you have it... June 19th is launch day for Lovely Day Radio (depending on Daft Uisdean's mixing desk and uploading skills, though...)

Coming Soon, To Your Ears...

We are all busy here on the island, aiming for the launch of “Lovely Day Radio,” which we are hoping to broadcast to you from Jean’s Wool Shop. (Actually, it will be beamed to you via the pirate internet podcast “The Jolly Clapdarnach” which is now moored out on the Minch, under cover of leaves next to Cyril’s plane.) Jean, of course, will be the presenter with fabulous music and regular features to look forward to such as –

Regular weather and shipping forecasts,
‘Cooking with Jean,’
An exercise segment called ‘Work Out While You Knit’,
Requests will played by The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, featuring Annie on the trombone.
‘Rant Away’ with Emails from our listeners,
Interviews with local celebrities,
And lots more…

Flora from Social Services, together with a generous grant from the Dyslexic Amphibian Trust Fund (D.A.F.T. for short), is helping us to train Daft Uisdean as a sound engineer. Ken Wood’s kitchen appliances will be supplying the refurbished sound mixers.

We are hoping to launch “Lovely Day Radio” within the next month so stay tuned for details on how to find us.

My wee cough

I was sitting on the Shaman’s Bench, out behind the croft, today. A vision came to me in the form of a kilted Gollach, wi’ a green tourie bonnet on his head. It took me a while to understand whit the apparition was saying, though, all Gollachs being a bit odd and that, you know. Anyway, I finally figured it out. He said, “Why did your wee cough only last four days?”

I thought about this for a while. He was right enough – I was gone from Monday till Thursday, but I was back at the croft again by Friday.

Genius bench, so it is now – sitting there is almost as fascinating as listening to Coinneach Crow.

(Oh yes, and Cyril... dinnae worry about the wee bash on the plane. Once I get Hamish the bearded clam diver to help me pull it out of the hill loch, with a bit of duct tape here and there she'll be as good as new.)

Help Cyril, get me down!

Cyril, I found your plane under the fishing net covered in leaves. I turned the key, just to see what would happen, you know. Then, I revved the throttle, just to see what it would sound like, you know. Then, I released the handbrake, just to... you know.

Well, I thought my sporran was stuck on the steering wheel, so I pulled back on it and now I'm stuck up here. Lovely view of the clouds, and that, but I'm near running on empty.

How do I get down again? Help?

Oh, and can I chew on one of those pork chops on the back seat? There's still some good meat left on the bone that you missed.

Requests

I've just been down to the tree, to read some of Torquil's messages.

A reader called Emanrais, welcome back Emanrais, would like to see more Highland photos.

So here is a photo of the new Leisure and Fitness Centre down at Seamus MacTaggart's farm.

Don't hesitate to leave more requests for Torquil! All you have to do is chisel a message into the tree.

The Police Interview by Woodworm Willie

Psst! Cyril, look at the this interview I recorded --->

Murdo - Sorry, I’m late. I had to pump up the back tyre of my bicycle, before catching the ferry over.

PC Hugh Dunnett – That’s okay Murdo. Before we begin, can I interest anyone in a relaxing cucumber bubble bath, some pile cream or a bitty of dental floss?

Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Whit? What kindae polis station is this? Are ye no gonnae gie us a doin’ in the cells, eh? Bunch ah jessies the lot ay ye, back in Fife the polis’d gie ye a good kickin’, throw ye in the cells wi’ some radgde so ye could have annuther good fight and then gie ye breakfast in the mornin. Braw, eh?

PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Can you state your full name, date of birth and address?

Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Mah name’s Hamish Shanks, only folk call me Hamish the bearded clam diver on account o’ ma big gingar beard, ken? An’ ahm a diver too, ken? Fur clams an’ that, ken? Ah live in mah trusty wee dive van an’ ahm no tellin’ ye mah age, it’s no polite tay be askin’ a gadge that, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Occupation?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ahm a diver ya doss wee muppet. You no listnin, eh?

PC Dunnett - Tell me how you began your career.

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah wiz in the army, ken? Para’s. Fell on ma heed too many time’s so ah figgured ah needed another career so ah became a diver, eh? Braw. Got the idea affay ma sister, she’s a diver too, at least ah think she is, eh? She gets money fur wearing rubber doon the docks, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett - Tell me what a typical dive entails.

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Normally soberin up enough tae drive mah trusty wee van tae the job, eh? Then ah just blow bubbles an’ that. There wuz that time when ah had tae dae battle wi’ one ah they big fish wi’ the big flashy eyes affay Stingray, ken? He wuz ah big mean bugger an’ ah had tae put the heed in im a few times before ah kilt im. Turns out ah had the wrong gas in mah bottle, ken? Ah had ah good laught wi’ the doctors aboot that one, eh? Well a did when ah came oot ah the coma, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett - What happened, while you were diving, on the day of April 23rd, 2006? What did you find in the salmon fishing nets?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Well ah saw yon gadge an’ ah thout tae mahsel’ it wuz a corpse, ken?

PC Dunnett lays out some photographs. There’s a photo of Torquil, one of me, one of the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, one of Cyril, Anton the Chef, Farquar Bogg and one of Daft Uisdean.

PC Dunett – Do you recognise “yon gadge” that you thought to yourself “it wuz a corpse?”

Hamish the bearded clam diver points to Daft Uisdean’s picture, as being the corpse-like person that he saw tangled in the fishing nets.

PC Dunnett – What happened when you saw this man [Daft Uisdean]?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - ah followed the rules in the divers handbook and searched his person fae ah wallet, wedding ring, rolex, car keys, earrings, gold teeth, nipple rings, prince albert, ye ken the sortay stuff, eh?

PC Dunnett – Was this to identify the body?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Oh, eh, aye, fur that.... Aye... Anyways, ah’d done mah search and found nothing of any value at all officer, none. Definitely no a wallet wi money in it. Phew! It’s affy hot in here, eh? Anyways then ah saw the bugger move an’ ah damn near filled ma kecks eh!

PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uisean] resist when you cut it free from the salmon nets?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - No as much as when ah tried tae take his gold fillings – eh, purely tae identify him, ken?

PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uidean] say anything to you when you both surfaced from the water?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? All ye’s speak dead funny round here, eh?

PC Dunnett - What happened to him [Daft Uisdean] then?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - He just swam off, eh? Ah didnae even git the chance tae have a good fight wi im, ken?

PC Dunnett - Was it [Daft Uisdean] wearing underpants when you found it?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? Ah wuz more worried about the state o’ ma own, ken?

PC Hugh Dunnett - Finally, Hamish, are you familiar with a person named Cyril Nosecone, and do you know anything about a life insurance claim that he made on the death of his son, Daft Uisdean Nosecone?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - No, can ah git mah doin’ now, eh? Braw.

Cyril, you'd better return that insurance money, NOW! They're on to you.

Eavesdropping by Woodworm Willie

I’ve been watching the croft for Torquil, since it’s clapdarnach gathering week. His mother sent me with a line to do the messages. (For those of you south of the Highland line, that means she gave me a grocery list to take to the shop.)

Now that we’ve clarified where I was going, I'm going to have to tell you what I saw and heard as I was passing the police station.

PC Hugh Dunnett was escorting a very scruffy, bearded individual into the station. I’ve never seen the man on the island before, he was a newcomer, so in the interests of public safety I had to investigate.

By an open window at the back of the station, I crouched down and took notes.

The two men sat at a table in the interview room, joined later by Murdo the Bobby from the mainland. (This must be a big case!)

PC Hugh Dunnett switched on a tape recorder. He said the time was 3 pm and gave the names of all three present. Then, the interview began.

As soon as I type out my notes, I’ll upload them to this blog. Back in a wee bitty.

New - Out of the Croft Assistant

I will be out of the croft for a few days.

Following the lambing season, it's now clapdarnach gathering week. (Orders are now being taken for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones - milder aroma but more succulent!)

If you want to leave a message (or an order for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones) I now have a new "Out of the Croft Assistant".

A box of carving tools will be left by the tree at the bottom of the road, so please carve your message after the tone.

Thank you very much, now.

“Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?”

Darn it! I missed the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations.

You see, Big Maggie Ann called at the croft this morning. (An easterly wind was blowing in off the Minch and I swear Big Maggie Ann could smell our food cooking from over her side of the hill.)

Mother stirred the cast iron pot on the range. “Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?” she asked politely, as all mothers do when visitors call.

Judging by the amount of chocolate smeared around Big Maggie Ann’s pudding face, I reckoned she'd eaten plenty.

“Oh, thank you, No,” said Big Maggie. “Are you making a wee strupach, then?” She moistened around her wind-chapped lips with a large, dirty, brown tongue and thundered her arse onto the upright chair by the hearth. The wooden legs squeaked and strained under her weight.

I threw some more peat on the fire, and sighed. Aye, Big Maggie Ann was to be there for the day, so I’d just have to accept it.

What a cheek that big woman has. A “wee strupach” indeed! In my day “strupach” meant a cup of tea and maybe a home-baked scone with butter. Big Maggie Ann arrived at 11 o’clock and after consuming a couple of lightly poached deer, she asked for some dental floss to clean her tooth. “Cleanliness in next to Godliness,” she said, with venison gravy now caked into the remaining chocolate on her hairy chin. I itched to comb it out but I was able to distract myself for a minute or two, reading a short article about Clachnabruich Shinty Team on the sport’s page of the paper.

Big Maggie Ann then devoured two oatcakes with crowdie, four pieces of shortbread, six pancakes dripping in strawberry jam and half a loaf of bread, toasted then spread with dripping. She burped, loudly, and asked me to pass the box of matches, so that she could light up her pipe.

Now I could’ve just left Big Maggie Ann with Mother, and joined Willie and Cyril for a wee drop of cooking whisky down at the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations, but Mother would’ve given me one of her “looks.” I might be a bachelor but I know that when a woman gives a man the “look” only a foolish idiot would ignore it.

Tell me about the celebrations, Cyril, will you? Did I miss anything spectacular?

Sinko d' Mayo

The annual festival of Sinko d’ Mayo will be held tomorrow at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, starting between 9 am and 11.30 am, sharp.

This festival, of course, honors Fungal Finlay who lost his life at sea, serving his local community. Fungal, a local grocer on the island, reversed his Ford Anglia Estate to the end of the ferry pier and, while unloading boxes of groceries onto a Russian fishing trawler, the car’s handbrake disengaged, shunting him, and all his groceries, into the water and down to the depths of the sea bed.

Groceries consisted of tubs of egg yolks, jars of mustard, bottles of white wine vinegar, olive oil, and lemons. In memory of the “Sinko d’ Mayo”, a public holiday was declared and has been recognized ever since on May 5th of each year, here on the island.

Fungal Finlay, posthumously of course, was also the recipient of the much coveted "award to die for" – The Woodworm Coffin Company, Ltd. “Corpse of the Year.”

Celebrations begin with a tuba recital by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. and her rendition of "Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree..."

4th May, 2006

May the Fourth be with you!

From Daft Uisdean

BUSINESS NEWS

The Clapdarnach Group of Companies announces the grand opening of "The Clapdarnach Home Depot" - imaginative home furnishings at affordable prices.

Why let your seagull nest on a bare chimney pot when we can install one of our latest designs in compost bags! They're snug fitting, retaining the chimney-pot warmth, and kind to the environment by trapping the smoke inside your home.

Be the envy of your neighbourhood and shop at Torquil's new store.