Missing Buffalo

Last spotted having a droppie tea with Wullie Spanners.

Eric the buffalo is described as dark brown in colour, cloven hoofed, with broad shoulders and curved horns. He is approximately 5-6 feet in height at his shoulders and weighs around a ton. When last seen he was shedding his winter coat and sprinting at 30 mph.

With the imminent arrival of the summer breading season, Eric will become increasingly restless. He may bellow hoarsely and become quarrelsome. Eric has been known to lower his head and paw the earth defiantly, so approach with care or call Wullie Spanners breakdown services for assistance.

Eric's fiancée, Hilda, is also missing but we are still waiting on her up-to-date description and photo details.

PC Hugh Dunnitt has asked all Islanders to check their outhouses and garden areas for signs of Eric and Hilda.

Your Highland Island Easter Events Calendar

Thanks to the unfaltering commitment of the Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle, we have another fun-packed weekend of entertainment to enjoy this Easter.

Good Friday frolics kick off with an Easter Bonnet parade, down at Wullie Spanners' garage. Special guest Sydney Devine opens the new showroom at noon. Come and admire the latest fleet of mobility car bonnets, like the Simca Avonde 90A, Reliant Rialto, and FV107 Scimitar bonnets. Get yours on special offer now before the bonnets go up! The parade of apprentice mechanic Daft Uisdean's reconditioned and re-sprayed bonnets will follow at 2 pm, appropriately ending at the recycling centre by 3 pm, for a Bonnett Tossing competition.

Even Better Saturday events are designed for the children. At 10 am, our Easter Bunny competition begins at Murdina’s butcher shop. Murdina will give a 45 minute lecture on how to skin and bone your rabbit, followed by some decoration tips and advice on how to fold in ears when making rabbit pie. Sharp knives, rabbits and hot ovens will then be left at the children's disposal where they can test out their own culinary skills. Judging, for the prize of a six pack of potted hoch, will take place around 6 pm.

Easter Sunday Egg Rolling will take place at the Fertility Clinic caravan, behind the Free Church, followed by an Egg Hunt in their Lost Property Box. Be there at 1 pm. Don't forget to bring your own torches, thermometers and calendars!

Coming Soon – Daft Uisdean’s Agony Column

-Have you been jilted by Wullie Spanners lately?
-Is there something that you need to get off your chest about Wullie Spanners?
-Do you have a secret crush on Wullie Spanners?
-Has Wullie Spanners been unfaithful to you?
-Has Wullie Spanners been servicing more than you wife's car?
-Is Wullie Spanners the father of your child?
-Need a date with Wullie Spanners?

Write to Daft Uisdean about it, in the comments section below...

In Memoriam - The Highland Island News, Thursday 9th September, 2010

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 - Unfaithful husband to Millicent and father to more than half of the island. Even when we close our eyes, there’s an image of your face. We’ve already said our goodbyes. So go and haunt some other place! - Millicent Marjoribanks.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009 – Lover to Big Maggie Ann - No pen could write. No tongue could tell, my sad and bitter loss. But Gordon’s Gin, has helped so well. Now I dinnae give a toss. Frae Big Maggie Ann.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks – Died in the arms of Annie, with her trombone. I think of you in silence. No eyes can see me weep. Coz, what a cheating sod you were… I’m glad you’re 6ft deep. Love Annie.

Winston Marjoribanks - You said you had a heart of gold. And, so I changed your manifold. You said you were generous, loving and kind. Then you left these unpaid bills behind. - Wullie Spanners at the garage (Still owed 16 shillings and 10 pence).

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart - Walled in our hearts, there’s a garden, where memories bloom and stay. Then there’s the compost heap, where we buried you, getting smellier every day. – Woodworm Willie Funeral Services.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 I knitted soft green underpants. You said you wore them often. So I knitted you another pair, to wear inside your coffin. - Jean at the Wool Shop.

Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009. If I could have one wish today, it would not be for gold. It would be to reclaim haggis, that I’ve think I’ve gone and sold. I minced your leg in error, when they stuck you in my fridge. The mortuary was full that day. Isn’t life a bitch? – Murdina at the Butcher’s Shop.

Installation of New Automatic Barmaid

Our news reporter, Annie, from the local Church Guild Knitting (read Gossip) Group, conducted interviews down at the ferry terminal to determine the success of the new automatic barmaid that has just been installed down at the hotel.

Annie approached a burly Glaswegian, known as Tam the Dram. “Excuse me, Tam, could you tell me what you think of the new barmaid down at the hotel?”

“’Please remove the item from your basket and scan again.’ Thon new automatic barmaid says the same bloody thing, over and over. ’Listen, Darling,’ I telt her ‘I cannae dae that coz ma glass is empty noo, an a I wannanutherun NOW nae taemorrasmorra.’”

“And did she listen to you, Tam?” asked Annie.

“Naw, so I tried to leave the hotel in disgust. But, as I went through the door thon alarm gaes aff. Bloody Nee Naw Nee Naw and aw that.”

“Why did the alarm sound, Tam?”

“Cause I’d drunk ma dram before I pit ma glass in the bagging area,” said Tam, adding, “We’re aw fed up o drinking at the hotel now. ‘Return item to the bagging area’ she says till she duz ma heid in.”

“Have you any other comments to make about the automatic barmaid, Tam?”

“Aye, bring back thon wee wumun wi the big tits and get rid o thon machine. Ye cannae scan a pint o heavy withoot yon machine calling for a customer service advisor.”

“Why is that, Tam?”

“Cause its too heavy! Apparently, Health and Safety regulations now says ye need safety goggles and yer Moving and Handling ticket to pick it up.”

So what’s the way forward, Tam?”

“Ach, I’m aff tae visit Torquil for a wee dram o his homemade Clapdarnach wine.”

Murdina Reveals All On Radio

During a recent radio interview, Murdina the Butcher revealed the name for her new line of Scottish Beef Products.

“I was standing by the sausage machine, quenching my thirst with a can of my favourite orange Scottish fizzy drink, and the name for my new product line came to me like a bolt of light out of the blue.”

“You see, there is a lot of iron in food containing beef,” said Murdina. “I looked at my drink can and thought… I know what I’ll call it… 'Iron Food'.”

“It was quite simple really,” she said. “Funnily enough, I’ve had a lot of requests for me to personally deliver my new line of product, so folk must like the idea.”

A copy of Murdina's new product labels is printed below.

Top 5 Reasons why Daft Uisdean is banned from Big Maggie Anne's cafe

“Waiter! Waiter! There’s an earwig on my ear.”
“Hold still and let me look, Daft Uisdean.”
“Hurry up, waiter. I have a phobia about…”
“Och Uisdean, It’s not a wig... you need to shave your ears.”
“Waiter! Waiter! Come back – there’s a fly on my trousers.”
“Yes, I know Uisdean. Now zip it up again because the Ladies from the Church Guild are looking.”
“But, Waiter! Waiter! I’ve got an ant in ma leg.”
“Och, Uisdean, Your aunt moved away from Mallaig years ago.”
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a bug under the table.”
“Look, Daft Uisdean, this is Big Maggie Ann’s café, not MI5.”
"Ah, but Waiter! Waiter! There’s a tick on the clock.”
“That's it! OUT!”

Emergency Meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department

An emergency public meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department has been called for Thursday night at 7.30 pm down at the Ferry Terminal.

The business in hand concerns planning applications from 1) Muddy Brown and 2) Wullie Spanners. Detailed plans are available to view at The Wool Shop.

In summary, Muddy Brown and Wullie Spanners both propose to purchase the same prime site of real estate (the Ladies toilets down at the Ferry Terminal) and have entered into a bidding war to obtain the property.

Muddy Brown, owner of Brown’s Art Emporium, recently submitted plans to The Island’s Roads and Planning Department for an extension to the property for sale (involving an underground tunnel connecting this property to a sister site in France), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Muddy’s Loovre”.

Wullie Spanners, local garage owner, who has always spoken out about the need for “a hot dog stall an' extra fast food boutique fae the towrists” has also submitted plans for extension to the property (involving a speedy underground tunnel connecting this property to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Wullie’s Quick In and Out Sausages”.

The Island’s Roads and Planning Department decided to put both applications to a public vote, before deciding whether to grant planning permission to either Mr Brown or Mr Spanners.

Comments and objections welcome below, in the comments section.

Closure of all Ladies' toilets

The Ladies of the Wee Free Church Guild will hold a special meeting this Thursday to give instructions on how to use a Shewee.

Shewee, the portable urinating device, is a moulded, water repellent plastic funnel that allows women to urinate whilst standing or sitting and without removing clothes.

Due to Highland Island Government cutbacks, mandatory public use of the Shewee will be phased in over the course of the summer months, in preparation for the September 1st closure of all ladies’ toilets on the island.

Public conveniences will now be unisex. Existing Ladies toilets will be sold at auction on September 1st, 2010. Women will be expected to share the use of urinals by utilizing their Shewees.

At a recent question and answer session, down at the ferry terminal toilets, concerned members of the community asked how they could address the topic of privacy between sexes. It was decided that everyone entering public toilets should wear a blindfold.

Local community councilor, Farquar Bogg, added, “The use of blindfolds should also assist in aiding financial cutbacks, as we would no longer require lighting inside the toilets.”

Rev. Brimstone asked how people would find the urinals in the dark, whilst wearing blindfolds. He anticipated a lot of fumbling, groping and wet shoes.

Farquar Bogg consequently decided that all shoes should be removed before entering public toilets.

Mr. Bogg has asked anyone with further concerns to write to him in the comments section below. Or, if anyone would like to make an offer for one of the Ladies toilet buildings, please enter your confidential, sealed bid in the comment section, also stating your plans for its intended use.

New claims about the authenticity of the Archie Rembrandt painting

Muddy, from Muddy Brown’s Art Emporium, made a damning public claim about the Archie Rembrandt painting that Big Maggie Ann found, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside loo. “The painting is a complete fake,” he said.

The oil on canvas, ‘Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat’, is rumored to have fetched seven figures at Crusty’s auction rooms recently. So, our reporter went to interview Muddy Brown about his claims.

“First of all, how did you get your name, Muddy, its unusual?”

“Its quite easy really, you either mix grey or black with yellow, orange, red, or rose and you get varying shades of Brown.”

Our reporter stopped Mr. Brown in his tracks. “Actually, Muddy, I didn’t want an art lesson – I was talking about your first name. Anyway, let’s move on.”

“Oh, good because I prefer Muddy for short, rather than my two forenames, Muddick Sweeny.”

“Okay then, Muddy Brown, so why do you think the Archie Rembrandt painting is a fake?” he asked.

Muddy Brown answered, “Because, whoever painted this canvas, didn’t follow the painting-by-numbers instructions. The Gold Hat is painted yellow. Everyone, like me, who has completed sufficient painting-by-number kits, knows that yellow is in the No.6 paint pot. The gold paint is No. 11, which the artist has used to paint Daft Uisdean’s wellies.”

“But, Mr Brown, don’t you think this could be down to artistic impression? Perhaps Archie Rembrandt intended to paint the gold hat yellow, and Daft Uisdean’s wellies in gold. Crusty’s auction rooms seemed to think the painting was genuine?”

Silence.

“Mr. Brown? Are you okay? You look a bit… yellow… I mean you look a bit No. 6.”

Silence…followed by shuffling feet.

“Come back Mr. Brown. Maybe I should have said you looked a bit No. 11, I mean No. 2… no, I mean No.7 …oh help, is there an artist about that can help rectify my dilemma with Mr. Brown?”

Notes from The Church Guild 'Knitting' (Read Gossip) Circle Meeting –

In attendance -

Big Maggie Ann
Annie (and her trombone)
Mrs Reverent Brimstone
Murdina the Butcher
Dorcas Mor
Ruby Hazelnut
Isabella Lilias Ann MacPhee
Dot Pong from the Chinese Dragon
Vera the Traffic Warden
Deirdre from Arbroath

Apologies were given by Jean at the Woolshop, and Fiona and her Paintings.

At 7.25 pm, everyone said, “Shh!” and looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. Satisfied that there were no eavesdroppers, gossip commenced at 7.30 pm.

1) The latest scandal about Jean and the Wool Salesman – Everyone agreed that from now on The Wool Salesman would be known as ‘You know who’. When gossiping about the point in time when Jean came back to the island, the group decided to refer to this period as ‘You know when’. And, Jean was now to be known as ‘Herself’.

2) Official assignment of a new Gossip Case Code Name (G.C.C.N.) - The group decided on a new G.C.C.N., when members needed to gossip about “You know who’, ‘Herself’ and ‘You know when’. The topic is now called Gossip Case Code Name - “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”

3) Protocol reminder - The correct protocol for initiating a G.C.C.N. is to tug on a group member’s sleeve, pull them into a quiet corner of the room, and repeat the G.C.C.N. (In this case the G.C.C.N. is “AH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”) Then members may proceed to gossip.

4) Examples of relevant gossip – Annie was called upon to give the first example of gossip that might follow G.C.C.N. “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Annie said, “Well, I heard that ‘You know who’ did a lot of shouting about ‘You know what’ when ‘You know when’, happened.

5) Definitition of ‘You know what’ - Dorcas asked Annie for a definition of “You know what’.

6) Tension Building Exercise - In order to add tension to the gossip, Annie proposed that everyone guess what ‘You know what’ meant. She further requested that suggestions were given in whispers. The following ideas were given. Deirdre suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to an illegitimate pregnancy. Dot Pong suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to Sweet and Sour Crab Balls (No. 27 on the Chinese Dagon Take Away Menu). Big Maggie Ann used profanities about ‘Chinese Immigrants’ and was asked to leave the group. Dorcas Mor suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to clapdarnachs. Murdina the Butcher suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to ‘You know who’ inviting other women for ‘tea and scones’. Mrs Reverent Brimstone suggested that ‘You know what’ simply referred to the fact that ‘herself’ felt lonely and unappreciated. She added, “When I feel that way, Reverent Brimstone gives me a damn good Rogering.”

The meeting was adjourned, while everyone recovered from the Reverent’s wife’s comment.

A Bit of Yarn About Jean At The Woolshop.

I’m sure you’ve all been wondering about the whereabouts of Jean at the Wool Shop, and whatever happened to her radio show?

Well, are you sitting comfortably? Plump up that old cushion supporting your lower back, raise your tired feet up onto the worn wooden footstool, pour yourself a wee glass of cooking whisky, and I’ll tell you a sad story.

The truth is that Jean fell for the yarns of a Wool Salesman. He spun her wonderful, naturally-oiled tales about ancient drove roads once travelled by romantic sheep, who sang to each other in harmonious bleats.

Jean knitted this salesman many a pair of her famous racing-green underpants, urging him to tell her more.

Upon receipt of his underpants, the salesman confessed to Jean that she was his m’ewes. He told Jean about ways that sheep flock together and, if she really loved him, they should share a sheep pen, write about clapdarnachs, and leg it together to make a mint.

Jean counted the sheep she already had, and after a short snooze, decided to follow the Wool Salesman. She sold all her foreign Alpaca double-knitting, racing-green, 50 g balls at half price. She left her radio station with Daft Uisdean and offered the wool shop for sale on the housing market. Jean then trotted off after the Wool Salesman, with a heart as light as lamb’s wool.

Alas, after much nose-to-tail traveling of drove roads, Jean developed foot rot, for her skills as a Wool Salesman’s Assistant were poor. She was a creative knitter, not a melodious yarn spinner. As she wandered aimlessly, she felt as if she’d been spun around and teased until she was one ply short of the full double knitting ball.

Everywhere she followed, she noticed that she fell further and further behind in the line of sheep that followed behind the Wool Salesman. As time passed, he seemed to be more passionate about the sound of his sales pitch to the flock than ever writing about clapdarnachs. However, Jean remained ever hopeful that one day her skills would be called upon to pen sheep tales, and once and for all she could proudly live up to the title of 'Wool Salesman's M’ewes'.

Jean asked the Wool Salesman if they could take a break from the drove roads, to invent some knitting patterns together. She waited with her knitting needles packed at the ready but alas her wait was in vain.

Her secret dream was that one day the Wool Salesman would spin one of his ultimate romantic yarns about her and set it to some of his m’ewe’sic. As time went by, though, Jean became conscious that the Wool Salesman’s entire repertoire of sheep tales was about Cheviots, Black Faced Sheep, or Cotswold sheep from his past.

In every sheep port and pen thereafter, Jean encountered a ewe that looked prettier than her in her racing green, hand-knitted, double-knitting clothes. The followers of his flock would frolick, intoxicated, dressed in fancy rich colours, as he spun his yarns. Jean could never compete with the way that lively groups of leggy Cheviots often flashed their own tales back to the Wool Salesman, as he performed his sales pitch.

And so, after traveling many drove roads, Jean returned to the island with a few dropped stiches and a heavy heart. She has purchased another property to restart her Wool Shop.

A well-respected gossip from the local Church Guild Knitting Group reputedly overheard Jean say, "My heart feels even heavier than one of Murdo the Ram's giant and swollen testicles." Upon hearing this, the Church Guild group decided to knit Jean a handkerchief for her sorrow, made in double knitting wool and in her favourite colour of racing green.

She is now hoping to strike a deal with Daft Uisdean's lawyer, to get back her radio station and hopes to begin producing shows again in the near future.

Her Royal Highness - Big Maggie Ann's Cafe

Local food critique, Shovel MacGrubbin, paid an unexpected visit to Big Maggie Ann's cafe, The Lobster Pot and her new residence down at the Ferry Terminal. He reported, "Bloody Hell, it's a f*%@ing Palace."

Since Big Maggie Ann discovered the Archie Rembrandt painting, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside toilet, her fortune changed forever. It is rumored that the Archie Rembrandt painting, 'Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat' sold for a seven figure sum at Crusty's Auction Room in London.

Big Maggie Ann recently purchased the Palace, now know as 'Palace of Big Maggie Ann' and, within the palace grounds, runs The Lobster Pot Cafe.

Shovel MacGrubbin continues, "The Pot Noodle sandwiches are crap, pure shite. I would'nae feed that tae ma dog. As for the Pot Belly Stew, I barfed outside the door when I sniffed it. The wife ordered lobster and they gave her a giant cockroach handcuffed to a bed of lettuce wi a fly swatter tae batter it if it moved. I drank ma pint of Guiness and left, but not before paying a visit tae the wee man's room. I would'nae go back again."

We are keen to obtain any other reports on the cuisine at Big Maggie Ann's cafe, so please leave your comments below.

Under new management and open for business

Big Maggie Ann, proprietor of The Lobster Pot Café, down at the Ferry Terminal, would like to announce that she is now open for business.

TODAY’S MENU FOR THE SPEED DATING LUNCH

Pot Noodle Sandwiches, freshly made from the kettle
Pot Belly Stew, simmered slowly since May 30th
Potting Shed Pie, made with Daft Uisdean’s own hands
Potpourri Curry, with unique crunchy bits of dried thistle
Pottery Wheels, hand painted and hard baked. Gum shields supplied.
Pot Hole Covers, marinated by the Island Water Board
Or
Lobster, catch your own. Flippers provided at an extra charge.

All dishes served with a selection of seasonal viruses.

Customers note - Please do not feed the lobsters

Please book your table in the comments section below, giving your average speed per date.

Midnight Marbles

Anyone wishing to join a game of Midnight Marbles please complete entry form at Jean's Wool Shop.

Jean asked me to mention that, due to failure of the floodlights last year, a number of participants lost their marbles. Therefore, if you think you lost your marbles last year, or if you know of someone else who lost their marbles, please ask for a compensation claim form at Jean's Wool Shop, or detail your claim in the comment box below. Please be explicit!

All compensation claims will be considered by a panel of qualified judges - Daft Uisdean, Woodworm Willie and Big Maggie Ann. Payouts will range acording to hardship caused, enviromental effects, the sound of music, and the amount of marbles lost.

Charity Concert in the Church Hall

A concert will soon be scheduled in the church hall in a bid to raise funds to build a new Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall.

The original Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall mysteriously disappeared midway through the third set of a reel, during a demonstration by Ruby Hazelnut and her Dancing by Numbers Group on St Andrew’s Day 2007. PC Hugh Dunnett still appeals for witnesses and he would like to remind everyone that even yet a handsome reward awaits the individual who relays information leading to the retrieval of the hall.

When interviewed about the disappearance, Ruby Hazelnut said at the time that she did not suspect that any of her dancers disappeared along with the hall but, as the group appeared to be numerically challenged, it proved impossible to organize a head count.

Ruby Hazelnut issued the following plea. “Could any member of the Dancing by Numbers Group who feels they have been missing, please stand still in the supporting foot position and we shall try to come and find you.”

Meanwhile, the current fund-raising concert will be headlined by two popular artistes. Hamish the Tambourine Man will sing a Bob Dylan song and Albert Ross will play a popular Fleetwood Mac number.

The new Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall committee is also appealing for more artists to donate their talents to raise funds for this charity. If interested, please sign the comments box below detailing your act and we shall try to include you in the show.

NEW YEAR SALE AT THE WOOL SHOP

Grab a bargain.

Doors open at 9 am on Monday January 4th, 2010.

Limited stock - Hand-knitted underpants with three leg holes for the price of two.

10% off Special offer – Suffer from Jock Itch? Try our fast-acting sheep dip. Just wear your hand-knitted woolen underpants in the bath and add a sachet of “Crabs Be Gone” to the water. (Caution – skin irritant. May cause drowsiness. Common side effects include – memory impairment, hair loss, rapid weight gain, chronic flatulence, memory impairment, hair loss, memory impairment, rapid weight gain, memory impairment, chronic flatulence, memory impairment, memory impairment, and memory impairment.)

2010 EVENTS AT THE WOOL SHOP -

New at the wool shop –

Spinning wheel classes. First muddy Sunday in January. Bring your own tyres, clutch and hand brake cable.

Knitting needle exchange programme - No awkward questions asked. Safe disposal box available for used knitting needles. The wool shop needle exchange offers a large range of equipment for many different types of wool use and advice on safer casting-on techniques and harm reduction. Free family pattern planning on request.

Always practice safe knitting!

Remember – if you find a used knitting needle, do not touch it. If it is in a public place PLEASE phone the Wool Shop to arrange to have it picked up. Remember the exact location and if possible stay at the site until the Wool Shop Team arrive.

New Independent News Correspondent

The Highland Island is pleased to announce the recruitment of a new overseas news correspondent, Al Jersey.

Al Jersey Independent News Bulletins will broadcast daily from a secret location, covering news as it happens from the latest war on the island of Rockall.

More on this story later…

Nativity Play - Auditions for Three Wise Men

Rev. Helman Brimstone has contacted me for help. Once again, he’s seeking three wise men for his church nativity play.

Last year, as you know, our minister was unable to find three wise men in his congregation. At the eleventh hour, he was forced to employ the services of three seal lions on loan from Edinburgh zoo.

Although the parishioners were happy to clap along with the seals, the nativity play was totally inaudible due to their barking. Rev. Brimstone also reported that many of the congregation left his church empty handed; disappointed that they hadn’t managed to catch any of the fish being thrown. To make matters worse, a representative from the Health & Safety Executive removed baby Jesus from the manger, as he was not wearing a hard hat. When the Rev. Brimstone filled the empty cradle with six large pieces of freshly filleted haddock, the seals ran amok diving and nudging at Mary and Joseph who stood guard over the cradle.

Tomorrow, we have arranged for the usual representative from MENSA to supervise IQ testing in the church hall, prior to auditions for the three wise men. However, Rev. Brimstone is so keen NOT to utilize the seal lions again that he asked me to publish the MENSA test papers in advance, together with the answers to the questions.

Could anyone interested in becoming a wise man please memorize the following test paper before attending the auditions.

Thank you.

TEST PAPER

Q. 1. Daft Uisdean claims that he invented the wheel, so why is he still an idiot?
A. 1. Because someone else invented the other three?

Q. 2. If going to Rev. Brimstone’s church makes you a Christian, what are you if you go to
Wullie Spanners’ garage?
A. 2. A car.

Q. 3. Why can’t hedgehogs share a hedge?
A. 3. Pass.

Q. 4. What is tonight’s weather forecast on Jean’s radio show?
A. 4. Dark

Q. 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
A. 5. Pass.

Q. 6. Should Big Maggie Ann have another baby after 40?
A. 6. No 40 babies are quite enough.

Q. 7. Why doesn’t Cyril Nosecone show movies on board his planes?
A. 7. You don’t need movies when your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

Q. 8. Why does Murdina the Butcher still get a monthly bill from Woodworm Willie (the
Undertaker) when her husband, Murdo, was buried years ago?
A. 8. She told Willie that she wanted Murdo to look his best, so he rented Murdo a kilt.

Q. 9. If PC Hugh Dunnett and Murdo the Bobby were in a boat and it sunk, how many
policemen would be drowned?
A. 9. Four. Two during the accident and two during the re-enactment.

Q. 10. If all is not lost, where is it?
A. 10. Pass.

TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW!

ONE NIGHT ONLY!

The legendary Shirley Batty will be performing at the marquee tent, down at the ferry terminal on Saturday December 27th at 7.30 p.m.

Shirley Batty’s singing career spans many decades. Her reputation began with a unique rendition of “Hey Big Suspender” down at Sammy’s Airstrip Club, sparking a whip-round when she sang “Where Do I Beg In?” After a few good runs down at Anton’s café with “Prune Baker”, Shirley performed “What Kind of Fuel am I?” outside Wullie Spanners’ garage. Co-starring with Arthur Scargill II in the film ‘Shaft’, they sang “Mine Every Mountain” but it was “Gold Digger” that earned her three faux mink coats, two pairs of MacGucci sunglasses and an all inclusive holiday for sixteen in Fort William.

Tickets available now at the Wool Shop.

PRESS RELEASE FROM LOCAL HEALTH CENTRE

It has come to our attention that our new locum doctor from the middle-east, Sheikh Da Bottle Ali, suffers from a previously undiagnosed case of dyslexia, resulting in some errors in recent referrals and prescriptions.

Could patients please note that artichoke is not a medical term for blocked arteries. Anyone prescribed with Miracle Grow for their artichokes should report immediately to their cardiologist for further tests.

Dr. Sheikh Da Bottle Ali has a particular problem with his ‘oids’, first discovered when irate local resident Big Maggie Ann MacPhee turned up for an appointment at the IT & PC Hardware Repair Department of the local hospital. It was soon discovered that Ms MacPhee had a thyroid complaint, and not an android condition.

However, the chef aboard the island ferry was relieved to resume his daily order of The Sun, The Daily Record and The News of World on Sundays. The reason he vomited in the broth was due to typhoid, not a tabloid.

Finally, a third ‘oid’ mistake was spotted when 'ananbolic steroids' were wrongly prescribed for 'Anna Pollock’s schizoid' condition. Anna should now be considered armed and very dangerous. Any sightings of Anna should be reported to either PC Hugh Dunnett or Sponge Bath Square Bob, who now assists part-time at the local sanitarium.

Could all recent patients who feel they have been misdiagnosed, or if you suspect a wrongly prescribed medication, please call the health centre for advice or leave a comment in the appropriate box below.

MISSING PERSON

Local entrepreneur and aviator Cyril Nosecone, age 73, was last seen on August 12th, beating grouse at a high stakes game of craps. Local police constable, Hugh Dunnett, suspects that after the final flutter, Cyril Nosecone disappeared into a grouse butt and has not been seen since.

When last seen, Cyril was wearing Harris Tweed plus-fours, a maroon, silk smoking jacket and carrying a pack of cards and a large bag of money. Cyril is below average height and might not be seen above large clumps of heather.

Anyone with any information about Cyril or his whereabouts is asked to contact the local police station.
Very guilty-looking grouse, pictured by Fred Twitter.

RECRUITMENT - JOBS VACANT

H.I.S.A. (Highland Island Space Authority) are seeking highly motivated individuals with aeronautical experience, to join their expanding team on the new space mission. (Details of mission to follow.)

Must have a good understanding of clapdarnach fuel and ignition systems, demonstrate ability to supervise large onboard flock of ewes, and prove experience and understanding of alien languages.

Must have own compass, binoculars, wet suit and crash helmet.

Apply below, in comments section, by November 15th, 2009.

(Photograph by kind permission of chief sheep astronaut Rudolpho Kuschelschaf.)

Local fracas due to fuel shortage on the island

Wullie Spanners, proprietor of the local garage, utilised drastic measures (literally) to deal with the current fuel shortage on the island.

Assisted by Daft Uidean, Wullie was seen replacing the fuel pumps with bar optics, then dispensing fifth of a gill measures for petrol and sixth of a gill measures for diesel.

However, customers grew wary when Wullie handed out sausages on sticks and cheese canapés.

When interviewed, PC Hugh Dunnett said, “Customers began calling the station, saying that the petrol tasted suspiciously like Torquil’s cooking whisky. They were unsure if the diesel was really Torquil’s 2007 Clapdaranch Wine or if it was an older vintage.”

By early afternoon, PC Dunnett had made two arrests for breach of the peace and treason, when a pair of staggering Japanese tourist set up a karaoke machine outside Wullie's garage and began singing Sydney Devine songs. Seventeen arrests were made for being drunk and disorderly in a public place.

Commenting further, PC Dunnett asked the public for assistance. “As the jail is currently full, can all guest house owners with B&B vacancies please contact the police station? I need three non-smoking double rooms, one with sea view and mini bar, four twin rooms, two smoking and two non-smokings, and two single rooms with Jacuzzis and vegetarian breakfasts. Handcuffs will be provided until the courthouse opens on Monday morning.

Island Blackmailing - the plot thickens

Island terrorist Al MacQaeda, pictured kneeling down in full Al MacQaeda Highland Island tartan regalia, was spotted 'acting suspiciously' at the marquee tent down at the ferry termial in the wee hours of Saturday night. MacQaeda was 'caught in the act' by ornathologist and keen amateur photographer, Fred Twitter, liaising with his merry band of fellow Al MacQaeda hoodlums, whilst tampering with the electrics.

News just in suggests that the group of rebels were plotting to pull the plug during the third half of Saturday night's ceilidh, when they were interrupted by Fred Twitter's camera flash.

PC Hugh Dunnett said, "We are not sure at this point what Al MacQaeda planned to do once the lights were out."

When asked if he thought that this attempt to pull the plug was connected to Torquil's recent blackmail letter, PC Dunnett said, "We can't rule out anything at this point but can I ask everyone not to panic, to stay alert, and to report any further suspicious behaviour to the local police station.”

He continued, “Meanwhile, I am studying Fred Twitter’s photograph very carefully and trying to establish the identity of the other Al MacQaeda rebels. If you recognize anyone in the photograph, please contact me immediately by leaving a message in the comments section below.”

Ah! I'm being blackmailed

I deciphered the message – “Surrender your clapdarnachs.”

Who would want to threaten me?

(Darn, I forgot to pay my garage bill to Wullie Spanners.)

Mystery Hate Mail?

I received a sheet of plain paper in the mail, with four giant words cut from newspaper headlines pasted on the front.

CRUNCHED DRY SNORER SLURP!

Is there a dyslectic blackmailer on the island?

or. . .

Is it an anagram?

Help?

Scottish Highland Island Tourist Enterprise

In a recent meeting at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, the ladies of the church knitting guild decided to form a volunteer tourist information group, calling themselves the Scottish Highland Island Tourist Enterprise.

S.H.I.T.E. will be available down at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall from 10 a.m. until 11 a.m. and from 3 p.m. until 4 p.m., Monday to Friday to coincide with the arrival of the morning and afternoon ferry. Initially the service will be available only during the busy tourist season.

Members of S.H.I.T.E. elected Edith Twatt as chief coordinator, due to her extensive experience designing and erecting signposts in the Orkney isles. Edith is picutred here beside one of her self penned autobiographical signs. Well done Edith!

Dippy Seamus tries to fathom new road network

Every time Dippy Seamus lays some tarmac he changes his mind and alters the direction of the roads. Mayhem rules and traffic remains at a stand still.

Big Maggie Ann is getting awful cross, as she can't get to the beauty salon.

(Trust me, she needs to go!)

Farquar Bogg Promises Jim'll Fix It!

In a desperate dash to restore the island’s road network, Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, consulted with Coinneach, the psychic crow, in a top secret meeting down at the wool shop.

At 1:30 p.m on Monday, PC Hugh Dunnett, accompanied by Woodworm Willie’s three-legged sniffer dog, Tripod, inspected the back room of the wool shop for bugging devices. PC Dunnett then radioed an ‘all clear’ message to Farquar for the meeting to begin at 2 p.m. and stood guard in the corridor outside the door.

Meanwhile, in the back yard, local window cleaner, Phillip MacBucket, reported the following conversation coming from the building.

“Thanks for coming so quickly, Coinneach,” said Farquar.

Coinneach puffed out his feathers and answered smugly, “I got here as the crow flies.” Then, tapping his foot rhythmically, the wise crow entered a trance and offered these words of wisdom concerning the mayhem caused by the Antique Road Show. “Caw. Jim’ll fix it!”

Later that evening, local jazz musician and island’s IT specialist, Hacker Bilk, divulged that Farquar Bogg received an ‘out of the office’ reply from his email to Sir Jimmy Saville. Hacker said that Farquar Bogg remained positive and wrote to various other Jims, looking for a quick fix.

Jim McColl, of Beechgrove Garden fame, replied, saying, “Sorry, I can’t help re-pave the roads just now Farquar. I’ve spilled fence paint on my corduroys, causing a bad case of greenfly.” In another reply, James Taylor said that he’d seen fire and he’d seen rain, he’d seen sunny days that he thought would never end, he’d seen lonely times when he could not find a friend but, sorry, he couldn’t see a way to fit the roads back together again.

Morag the librarian added to the report. “Running out of Jims, Farquar Bogg entered the library van and asked for a Gaelic dictionary from the reference section. He opened it and dragged his index finger down until it rested on ‘James’. “Aha! Of course. . . Seamus,” he exclaimed. When the ladies from the knitting circle called out, “Shhh!”, Farquar inhaled a deep breath and ran out to telephone Dippy ‘Seamus’, Daft Uisdean’s cousin, from the public phone box across from where a road used to be.

“Hello, Dippy Seamus,” he said. “Coinneach Crow said that you would help me to put all the roads back where they belong. Can you do it, please?” A smile of relief spread across Farquar’s face. “You can? Great! Meet me at the ferry terminal in ten minutes.”

To be continued. . .

Meanwhile, Big Maggie Ann walked into the pub with a slab of tarmac under her arm. "A pint of Tenants," she said, "and one for the road."

Farquar Bogg hits out at Michael MacAspel

During last night's six o'clock news, an urgent plea hailed from Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department. "Could everyone please switch off their JCB engines and listen," he shouted.



A quiet hush spread across the highland island. No one had ever seen Farquar so agitated before.


"Thanks to Michael MacAspel's offer to value pieces of antique roads, the island has been stripped completely barren of its entire transportation infrastructure – in short,” he shouted, “there are no roads leading from or going anywhere.”

While the patrons of the bar down at the ferry terminal could be heard cheering and calling for a lock-in, phone calls began to flood into the local emergency services from distressed islanders in need of assistance.

A furious Big Maggie Ann dialed the local police station to say that the post van, stranded on the north side of the island, contained her eBay purchases and, in particular, she needed the ‘Full set of dentures – BNWTs (Brand New with Tobacco stains)', for a date tonight.

Local funeral home director, Woodworm Willie, telephoned the mortuary to report that the hearse, complete with deceased occupant, was stuck in the middle of a hump-backed bridge, and if the high evening temperature did not drop he would be forced to lower the corpse by rope into the cool of the river below.

“The biggest catastrophe,” Farquar claimed, “is down at the ferry terminal, where enormous mountains of tarmac have been dumped.” He shook an angry fist in the air. “As chairman of the local Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, I demand that next Sunday’s filming of the Antique Road Show is cancelled. Michael MacAspel should be held accountable for the mayhem he has caused.”

The incoming evening ferry turned back to the mainland, as landing proved impossible.

Antique Road Show

The island’s own Michael MacAspel will be hosting another outdoor Antique Road Show, to be filmed on Sunday August 30th at 3 p.m. down at the Ferry Terminal.

Anyone with any pieces of antique roads are invited to bring them along for valuation, including drove roads, yellow brick roads, roman roads, fender roads, zara or gary roads, rolling roads, or take me home country roads.

During the commercial break, by kind permission of PC Hugh Dunnett, a dangerous cycle path will be on view outside the padded cell behind police station.

Entry is free but please register your exhibits in advance by logging them in the comments section below.

Looking for a good read?

The ladies of the church guild knitting circle propose the following book recommendation.

‘Disappearance of a Sheep Masseur’ by Torquil Mor

Synopsis – Can you really make a sheep talk using the ancient highland art of sheep massage? Sponge Bath Square Bob has an unusual talent. A geriatric nurse to trade, through sheep massage he can also enter the minds of the flock and persuade them to divulge the latest hot gossip.

What do the sheep tell him that leads to his mysterious disappearance?

P.C. Hugh Dunnett embarks on a course of Indian head massage and Woodworm Willie learns the art of reflexology in a race against time to decipher random bleats. Can they gather enough clues to find Sponge Bath Square Bob before they call last orders at the local pub? And what secrets are the sheep so eager to protect?


Book reviews by some members of the church guild knitting circle –

Annie (Trombone player with the Glenpuddle and Monroe First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862).

“I began to read this book while on tour with Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers. I’m still on page two as I have a question: do you think Sponge Bath Square Bob removes his blue Marigold gloves before he begins the sheep massage?”

Ruby Hazelnut (Dance instructor with the Dancing by Numbers Group)

“Thrilling book! I am so enthralled by this read that I am currently numbering a choreography sequence so that my dance group can interpret a sheep massage through dance. We will be using both No. 1 left and No. 2 right hands in backward rotating motions, together with hand stands and cartwheels in order to portray this ancient art. The dance will end with the sacrifice of a goat, up on Ben Doon, in order symbolize the loss of Sponge Bath Square Bob.”

Maggie Ann MacPhee offered numerous additional critiques, spontaneously calling out from the back of the room during the course of the book review session. Unfortunately, due to censorship of the vulgarity, none of these comments can be published and the book review committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette syndrome, adding a bottle of Blue Nun to her IV drip for safe measure.

Julio Fernando asked Torquil Mor if he could have a copy of the book translated into Spanish for his mother in Mexico City.

Ewe Tube Clip – Racial Segregation in the Flock

When Torquil’s Blackface flock excluded poor Isobel the Icelandic sheep from their patch of grass again, reporter Donachie Redburn the sheep, from Ewe Tube, set out to interview his fellow Blackfaces.

-------------------
Donachie calls out to the flock - “Hello over there! Hi, Sheilagh. Good morning, Declan, Dave, Dermot, Big Dougal and Deirdre.”

General muttering from all – “Quick, look busy. Eat some grass.”

Donachie approaches Big Dougal first – “Dougal, is it true that you’ve excluded Isobel the Icelandic sheep from the flock?”

Big Dougal looks over to Declan and Dave, with a very sheepish expression – “Baa!”

Donachie – “Aw come on Big Dougal. Don’t play innocent with me.”

Big Dougal moves away and the rest of the sheep tag on behind in single file – “Baa!”

Donachie, remembering that he’s an intellectual sheep, musters every last ounce of energy and fights an incredible urge to fall into line and blindly follow them. Once he regains strength, he turns his attention to Isobel the Icelandic sheep – “Hello Isobel. Welcome to the flock. Glad to see that you’re settling in around here. How do you like living on the highland island?”

Isobel – “Baah! Baah! Baah!”

Donachie – “Ah, sorry Isobel, I . . . eh . . . don’t speak Icelandic.”

Isobel shouts – “BAAH! BAAH! BAAH!”

Donachie startles so much that he forgets his breeding and trots off after the Blackface flock – “Baa!”

(Editor’s note – this translates as “Wait for me guys!”)

Police announce crime scene reconstruction

Following a serious case of arson, where a notable building on the island was destroyed, PC Hugh Dunnett has announced that a crime scene reconstruction will take place down by the ferry terminal at 10.00 pm on Friday 14th August, 2009.

He is appealing for help from the general public to provide donations of petrol, firelighters, home-made napalm incendiary devices, WWII hand grenades, cluster bombs, flamethrowers and matches, together with any excess wood, nails and building tools required to rebuild a replica of the notable building. A charity raffle will be held to decide who lights the match at the crime scene reconstruction, with proceeds being donated to the ladies’ church guild knitting circle.

Meanwhile, please take a careful look at the ashes pictured below. If anyone can recognize the notable building from these ashes, please call the local police station, as PC Dunnett has not yet been able to identify the notable building or its location.

Daft Uisdean gets a wellie on the property ladder

Following the sale of his shed, Daft Uisdean has now purchased a stunning new home on the island's west coast.

This well-equipped abode boasts modern open-plan features, with combined living, sleeping and dining areas.

An eco-friendly home, the design also assures that Uisdean is totally prepared for global warming and rising sea levels.

Anyone wishing to donate a three-piece suite in either moss green or lilac, a four poster bed with feather mattress, or bidet in sunshine yellow, would greatly assist Uisdean's refurbishing budget. Please submit all other offers of furniture in need of freecycling by adding comments below.

Hunting High and Low

I searched everywhere! I even looked in all the places where cobwebs grew faster than the hair on Big Maggie Ann's chin -- in the bedpan under mother's bed, in the glove compartment of Woodworm Willie's leg, in Daft Uisdean's underpant drawer, and even in the wallet belonging to the boy that plays down at the hotel. . . For weeks I've been rummaging through Jean's pins and needles in the woolshop and Wullie Spanners' nuts and bolts at the garage.

Finally . . .

You'll be pleased to hear . . .

I found the password to this site.

Have a guess where I found it? Answers on a postcard please, for a chance to win a Heathkit & Robinson Mk2A Sausage Machine.

Flying Sheep spotted over island

This photograph was taken by fisherman Duncan Ferris-Crabbs this morning, as the flying sheep swooped down over his trawler, Big Maggie Ann III.

Today's Island Courier reported, "Once again, Torquil's flying sheep have been spotted over the minch and island air traffic controller, Harry Uppenland, is livid. Harry said, "Torquil's flying sheep pose a perilous threat to both incoming and outgoing air traffic on the island and we must urgently install sheep scarers around runway perimeters. I have submitted the appropriate grant proposal to D.A.S.A.R.D. (The Dept. of Agriculture, Sanitation and Rumba Dancing). Up until now we have only had to deal with risks imposed by flocks of birds but thanks to the new Highland Island Enterprise Scheme, offering flying lessons to rural crofters, flocks of sheep have managed to bypass red tape and qualify for places on flying courses. This poses a grave threat to the future safety of air traffic control."

So far, Harry Uppenland reports that he has only had to deal with single sheep, as photographed above, but he says the reality of large numbers of sheep flying in flocks is becoing a huge concern.

D.A.S.A.R.D. report that they are seeking advice from local pilot and international entrepeneur, Cyril Nosecone and we will publish Cyril's reply in due course.

Cyril Nosecone aims for new heights

Cyril, pictured right, has embarked on an intensive new flight training programme.

Local bird enthusiast, Fred Twitter, was on hand to photograph Cyril’s progress.

Good luck with the test flight, Cyril!

Tripod gets framed

Woodworm Willie has been concerned about his dog, Tripod, for some time now. “His eyesight is just not what it used to be,” says Willie.

My friend Willie scratched his stump and continued. “On the night that Tripod found Sponge Bath Square Bob’s hand, he should have known that the hand was still attached to Square Bob’s arm.”

I asked Willie what could be done and he replied, “I’ve taken Tripod to the vet mannie for a full eye sight evaluation.

Hamish the bearded clam diver was on hand to capture the intense mood with a few photos, as Tripod was being examined. A full report will be issued soon.

And the competition winner is ...

The boy who plays down at the hotel has won the competition to name Jean's new purple car. Jean has chosen to call her car "Smoke." (I hope this won't be an omen of things to come.)

Well done to the boy who plays down at the hotel. Your prize will be posted out to you within the next few days. So watch out for the pass-the-parcel delivery van.

Thanks to all other competitors, including Deirdre from Ardbroath. I hope she won't be too upset again at losing.

Help name Jean's car.

Tension remains high as we all await news in the case of the disappearing geriatrics.

In order to relieve pressure, Jean has asked a favour of everyone on the island. Can you help her to name her new car?

“As far as I can tell, the car is female,” said Jean, “but I am not exactly sure how to determine this. Maybe someone could help. The car is purple. It has two front seats and a back seat with four doors. The tyres are well kept, like new really, and it has a spare key, but the radio is missing.”

Jean adds, “Please do not tell Wullie Spanners about this purchase, as I did not buy my purple car in his garage and I hear he gets a little grumpy if people import cars from the mainland. But, it was such a lovely day for buying a car. Oh I do like buying a good car, so I do.”

So please can you offer suggestions as to an appropriate name for Jeans purple car. Meanwhile, feel free to ask her questions about her new vehicle.

You were right, Cyril!

It appears that Sponge Bath Square Bob's arm wasn't severed after all.

MYSTERIOUS DISSAPEARANCES - More Clues Found

At 5 pm last night, Woodworm Willie and his dog, Tripod, were taking a leisurely limp around the grounds of The Dangly Balls Geriatric Home when Tripod discovered what could be another clue in the case of the dissapearing geriatrics.

A severed hand, attached to a sponge, was found on the gravel driveway!

The hand, still warm, and the sponge, still soapy, are thought to belong to hygeine specialist and charge nurse, Sponge Bath Square Bob. However, to our knowledge, Sponge Bath Square Bob has not yet reported a missing hand.

When asked to quote on the mysterious dissapearances and the additional find of a severed hand, PC Hugh Dunnett would only say, "this one is a real nail biter."

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH*

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH* - Reports are surfacing from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home that old Malcolm and his ventriloquist dummy, Mabel, vanished into thin air with just 3 minutes and 21 seconds left of hygiene hour. Malcolm and Mabel were last seen entering the Hygiene Room, wearing British Airways inflatable life vests and carrying regulation size sponges.

Fred Twitters captured this shot from inside of the Hygiene Room and Bath House at the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home.

*URGENT NEWS FLASH*

*URGENT NEWS FLASH* Two more people have vanished from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home - the twins Morag Ness and Agnes More vanished during hygiene hour again. Charge Nurse Sponge Bath Square Bob is now being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett.

Earlier today, Fred Twitters took some photographs of the outside of the Hygiene Room and Bath house.

Swarfega Steak Out!

Photographer, Fred Twitters, was practicing with his zoom lens when he captured this shot.

Local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, waits down at the pier, hoping to catch his Swarfega thief.

Little does Spanners know but, following a tip off from the ladies of the church guild's knitting circle, Daft Uisdean has now relocated his stall.

To be continued...

Daft Uisdean needs help

Business entrepreneur, Daft Uisdean is selling empty crisp bags full of Swarfega to the tourists down at the ferry terminal. (Two quid for packets of Cheese and Onion and two fifty for Prawn Cocktail.)

He has set up a table, with a clean floral table cloth, and all the crisp bags are in neat rows. However, business is not what he expected. For some reason, the tourists are not keen to buy. He's baffled!

Uisdean thought that sales would pick up if maybe he had a catchy logo that he could write on a sign. He is busy practicing his joined up writing but needs help to think up an appropriate logo or catch phrase.

Can you help? (Send your entry in the comments section below.)

Have you seen Padraig Post?

Sponge Bath Square Bob, male Charge Nurse from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home, has reported that during 'hygiene hour' one of the elderly residents went missing.

Please be on the look out, check your outhouses, for Padraig Post (ex postman). When last seen, Padraig was wearing a Hessian mailbag, Gimli helmet, flip flips (that's two lefts from a pair of flip flops), and wielding a soap on a rope.

E-mail Sponge Bath Square Bob, in the comments section below, if you have any information to share about Padraig Post.

Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Daft Uisdean has discovered gold!

The worth of Daft Uisdean's shed has elevated far beyond normal normal property values, as it now sits directly beneath the end of the rainbow. Uisdean can be seen daily, lugging out enormous golden pots from the inside of the premises.

A recent sale agreement, where Daft Uisdean was preparing to hand over the property to Cyril Nosecone, has now been cancelled and the boy is delighted. Rubbing his hands together in Swarfega, Daft Uisdean said, "It's mine again. The shed is all mine."

A spokesperson on behalf of Sydney Devine reports that Sydney is now offering his services to be abducted in the shed again, but Daft Usidean has thumbed his nose to the proposal, "I'm not interested in Sydney any more. The boy that plays down at the hotel said I could sing duets with him, if I fixed the roof in the old ferry terminal building and made us a recording studio."

Photograph compliments of Fiona and her paintings.

Murdina stops for a smoke.

Murdina, at the butcher shop, has been swamped with work recently. She's trachled.














"Darn chickens are all sneezing," she said, "and those cows wi' the wobbly legs just will'nae stand still long enough for me to aim the rifle. I hit Woodworm Willie in his prosthesis yesterday. Aye, the bullet went straight through the wood, so it did, and rebounded off the chopping block, lodging itself in the pudding mix. Darned if I can find it anywhere. Been up to my elbow ever since. So, black pudding is on sale today."

Poor Murdina. She asks, "Any capable tradesmen out there who can bung the hole in Willie's stump?"

Judges regroup in secret to reconsider their decision.

Rumors were circulating around the island about a mysterious meeting last week of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition judges. The judges were seen, secretly gathering behind the old sheddie, down at the ferry terminal.

Fred Twitter, of the local ornithology group, was observing Canadian geese from the local bird hide when he captured this shot through his telephoto lens, showing one of the judges hiding behind the sheddie.
















News is now breaking that the judges of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition have reconsidered their original decision about the competition winner.

The winning entry had previously been announced as Fiona and her paintings, with their fabulous shot entitled “Homage to Gilbert and George,” but upon receiving new evidence, a first equal prize will now be awarded to Deirdre for her photograph “Short but Sweet”.

Big Maggie Ann, a spokesperson from the local gossip circle said, "Shhhh, didnae say I told you this, but Deirdre was blackmailing the committee of judges. Aye, she was, but didnae say you heard it from me. Okay?"

Meanwhile, due to the publication of Fred Twitter's photograph of the sheddie, local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, is being questioned by local building code inspectors. Spanners, who had recently been awarded a three figure sum for the contract of pannel beating and refurbishing the sheddie, had been paid in full by MacBrains Ferries for completion of his work. The quality of his pannel beating is now in question.

Our representative from the local gossip circle, Big Maggie Ann, said, "Dinnae trust thon Spanners bloke. He disnae do the work. He pockets the money and sends Daft Uisdean oot wi a hammer and six nails. Look! Oor Sheddie's falling doon! But, Shhh, dinnae say it wus me who said it."

News from the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, Est 1862

Great news!

Annie, of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862, recently secured funding from the Crofters' Commission to buy a new tuba.

She has sent us a photo of her wonderful new tuba, pictured left.

Annie says, "I have now managed to master middle C, an F# and a B flat. The rest of the notes will be found in time. I know they are in there somewhere. I just have to find them."

When asked what her first solo piece will be, with the fabulous new tuba, Annie answered, "Can you repeat the question?"

Well done Annie and her new new tuba!

AND THE WINNER IS --->>>

Fiona and her paintings have won "The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with their entry - "Homage to Gilbert and George."

Well done Fiona and her paintings!

Your entry was chosen as the winner due to the artistic presentation of the natural flower arrangement of crocuses around your clapdarnachs. How beautifully presented, indeed!!! This is a true homage to Gilbert and George.

Your prize will be sent to you. Please allow 5 – 10 working days for delivery.

Thank you to all other contestants for your imaginative entries, especially Deirdre from Arbroath (who thought she had won.)

Iron age clapdarnach found!

We have just received the final entry for our competition.

' The boy that plays down at the hotel' has uncovered a genuine iron age clapdarnach and has submitted this spectacular photo of it as a competition entry for our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition".

Well done to the boy that plays down at the hotel and good luck with the competition.


All competition entries are currently being judged by our panel of experts and a winning entry will be announced soon.

Hamish's under water clapdarnach

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver has submitted this giant clapdarnach photo. Must've been from a whale.

He says "Look at the size ah that! It's got tae be the worlds biggest Clamdarnach! What dae ah win? Ah've even been polishing it. Braw eh?"

Well done and good luck, Hamish!

"Hooters" - Frae Big Angus up the Brae

Big Angus frae up the Brae, sent us this photo called "Hooters" of some owl clapdarnachs.

He is very excited about our clapdarnach photo competition. Rubbing his hands together and licking his lips, Big Angus said that he is fond watching this particular pair of hooters outside of his window.

Good luck with your "Hooters", Big Angus.

Daft Uisdean enters the competition

Daft Uisdean entered our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with this image. He calls the photo "Skinny Malinky - Part One".

"Skinny Malinky - Part Two" is still stuck to the sole of his shoe.

Good luck with the competition, Daft Uisdean! Meanwhile, try using the power hose down at Spanners' garage for your shoe.

'After the Rain' by Farquar Bogg

Farquar Bogg, of the Department of Santitiation, Agriculture and Rumba Dancing has given me this photo to put forward to our 'Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition'.

His portrait is called, "After the Rain".

Good luck Farquar Bogg!

Clapdarnach Photo by Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth)

Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth) have sent this photo to be entred into the competition. The photo is called "Juicy Fruit" and Maggie assures us it was still steaming when snapped.

"Note its glint, as the sunlight catches the top of it," she says.

Good luck Big Maggie Ann!

Artistic competition entry from Fiona and her paintings

Fiona and her paintings have sent me this fabulous entry to "The Prettiest Clapdarnach" photo competition, entitled "Homage to Gilbert and George."

As you can see, "Homage to Gilbert and George" is set amidst some early spring crocus flowers, a perfect setting for this gem.

Good luck Fiona and her paintings!

Wullie Spanners' captures a wonderful trio of clapdarnachs

Wullie Spanners' photo is entitled "Happy Trails".

"I like the evenly spaced arrangement here," said Jean.

Good luck Wullie! Here's hoping this shot wins you many happy trails, too.

Competition entry from Old Bagpuss

Old Bagpuss has submitted this artistic shot entitled "Silent Footstep". He says, "The "Silent Footstep" illustrates the obvious advantage of cats over dogs."

Good luck Old Bagpuss!

Some entries from Cyril Nosecone and Deirdre from Arbroath

Cyril and Deirdre submitted this fabulous 'untitled' clapdarnach photo to our competition. For the purpose of easy identification, Jean has given it the temporary title of "Short but Sweet".

Their second entry, which Jean has temporarily named "Light Southerly Breeze", is also a spledid shot.

Good luck, Cyril and Deirdre!

“The Prettiest Clapdarnach - Photo Contest”

We’re all a bitty depressed here on the island - not a single Happy New Year hangover left on the whole of the island.

Since Jean dismantled the woolshop and hauled it across to the mainland on the ferry, hand knitted underpants have been selling on eBay and the black market down by Spanners’ garage at grossly inflated prices that only the tourists can afford, as hand-knitted-underpant-enthusiasts fear a shortage of their favorite commodity. The mobile woolshop, run by Daft Uisdean, doesn’t sell a single ball of wool, just hundreds of tins of Swarfega.

Murdina’s sausage machine jammed when a goat skin entwined around a can of Carlsberg Special Brew causing a clog at the mincer head (Farquar Bogg from The Department of Agriculture, Sanitation and Rumba Dancing is coming over in whilie with the industrial hoover, though.)

The clutch is slipping on the new clapdarnach harvester that I hired from that Wullie Spanners, so production of clapdarnach incense cones have temporarily ground to a halt.

Lastly, Crawford Minty and Big Maggie Ann have moved into the big hoose and we’re no sure what is more frightening – the smile on Big Maggie Ann’s face, now that she’s edged her way into the big hoose, or the poltergeist up in the attic. All will be revealed soon.

So, aye, we’re all a bitty down in the dumps.

But, Wullie Spanners has promised to fix the clapdarnach harvester, which gave me an idea…

“The Prettiest Clapdarnach - Photo Contest”

I will be holding a competition to find the bonniest photo of a clapdarnach. Anyone wishing to participate should send me a photo of, or a link to a photo of, their potential prize-winning clapdarnach. (highlandisland@verizon.net )

The most imaginative clapdarnach photo will win some lucky person a day trip for two in Wullie Spanners’ new clapdarnach harvester (complete with new clutch).

Lovely Day Radio Show #4

Programme Number Four is ready!

Get it while it's hot, by clicking on the wee drop down box to the left.

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Lighthouse found!

"At last!" I hear you say. "We can finally stop all our groping in the dark."

Cyril Nosecone has just reported that the lighthouse is safe and well and was delivered down his chimney on Christmas morning.

He's now asking for volunteers to help with its relocation back to the rocky headland. So, once you have dispensed with your excesses of cooking whisky, turkey vindaloo and stale mince pies, could you all be washing behind your ears and lining up in a neat row down at the ferry terminal, complete with warm knitted underwear, shovels and plumb lines (we don't want any leaning lighthouses)?

In other words, once the Christmas overages are out, the pre-Christmas outages will be over, (and then we can say "over and out" to the coast guard mannie, who now insists that the lighthouse is still missing.)

NB - Applications are now being accepted again for light housekeeping duties.

Still Missing!

Wullie Spanners was out at the rock, where the lighthouse used to be, and has confirmed that there is definitely no lighthouse there.

(I hope you don't mind me using your photo, Wullie?)

As everyone knows, Wullie Spanners is a reputable second hand car salesman and, despite a few pending court cases, would never intensionally sell you a lemon, short change his customers, alter milometers, switch number plates and re-spray stolen vehicles, or possess a cooking whisky still in the shed behind the garage.

NEW CHRISTMAS LIGHT DISPLAY

Last night, at a special ceremony down by the ferry terminal, the Christmas light display was switched on by our special guest of honor, Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.

Once again, my friend Hans Neezenboompzadazen, from Amsterdam, has provided us with a stunning selection of lights in glowing red. We are most grateful to Hans for supplying the island with these Christmas lights at such a low cost.

Rev. Brimstone gave thanks and closed his prayer by saying that he hoped overseas tourists would feel welcomed by the addition of the large red sign hanging over the church hall, reading “Rood lichtdistrict’. (Hans informs us that this means “joy to mankind” in Dutch.)

The international appeal of our sign has already proven itself, as the Polish bridesmaids in our community are lured to stand beneath it every night. Acting as tour guides, our Polish ladies have been escorting visitors to the back of the church hall to appreciate it from the rear.

“Takings in the church collection plate have mysteriously escalated to extraordinary amounts, and this truly must be ‘a sign from above’,” said Rev. Brimstone.

Following the ceremony, the new disco ball was also switched on at The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, where Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson and the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers gave a stunning display of the YMCA song, choreographed by Daft Uisdean.

REGRETS from Jean

Hello there readers. It’s Jean here from the woolshop, again.

I would just like to explain my regrets to the Polish bridesmaids, why I was unable to fulfill their order for six dozen pairs of one-size-fits-all, crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants in Sirdar Double knitting, racy green, fashioned with a number 10 knitting needle.

If I were to accept the job to make all these crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants, I would be doing a great disservice to Agnes Joy at the laundry, whose livelihood depends on scrubbing gussets.

It has been explained to me in no uncertain terms that if substantial quantities of gussets were to suddenly drop, then Agnes Joy’s services would no longer be required.

I do hope the Polish ladies understand.

Regards

Jean

Jean's tip for the flu season

Don’t wait until it’s a week old. At first sign of your wee cold, check to see if you have a wee cough, too. If you have a week off, then that should help.

Questions for the "ladies".

Jean, at Lovely Day Radio, has been asked to set four questions for the ten remaining girls to answer in the competition to win the affections of our Bachelor, Crawford Minty.

We’re hoping, based on their answers, this will help Mr. Minty decide who he will pick to continue to the next round.

Here are the questions –

1. Bunty Minty is very possessive of her son, our Bachelor Crawford, so how would you ensure some romantic time alone with Crawford?

2. What is your favourite romantic song?

3. Mr. Minty has a ravenous appetite, so he does, so how would you satisfy his midnight cravings?

4. How many crofters does it take to steal a lighthouse?

Please, can the girls reply to these questions in the comments section so that Mr. Minty can get a better insight into his lovely ladies' personailities?

Getting back to Minty...

Under strict supervision by his mother, Bunty, Crawford Minty chose the following ten contestants to progress to the next round of The Bachelor.

Agnes Joy
Barbara
Florrie
Gertie
Hazel
Helga
Jessie Mary
Lilian
Nancy
Rachel

Moonbeam and Winifred have been eliminated.

We now eagerly await Minty’s second choice. Details of the next two beauties to be eliminated will follow soon.



...back to the missing lighthouse...

REWARD OFFERED!

Please help us find the lighthouse.

A handsome reward is being offered for the safe return of the missing lighthouse. Yes, donated goods and services are flooding in to increase the incentive.





- Woodworm Willie is donating a bag of brass handles and wiper blades for the new biodegradable Down Under IV Super Thrust Coffin.
- Murdina from the Butcher’s shop is donating 10 lb of her new recipe cinnamon and cream of herring sausages.
- I will be donating 2 boxes of the popular lamb and mint clapdarnach incense cones.
- Jean at the woolshop has offered her knitting services to make a pair of made-to-measure underpants in Sirdar racing green double knitting wool.
- Wullie Spanners has agreed to throw in a set of spark plugs and a right door and wing for a Ford Anglia.
- Lovely Day Radio will make and air one commercial business advert, with the aid of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862.

PC Hugh Dunnett has followed a number of promising leads but, so far, nothing has come to light.

Daft Uisdean, thinking he could claim the reward, dragged an ‘out’house up to the police station, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Legge who was still inside powdering her nose. Also, various barber poles have been submitted for inspection but, although all were the right colour combination, PC Hugh Dunnett eventually decided that each were too short and too skinny to be a lighthouse.

The Coastguard mannie is currently ‘helping with enquiries’ down at the Police station, Hamish the bearded clam diver is dredging the harbour for signs of any submerged lighthouses, Crawford Minty continues to floss his teeth in preparation for the next round of The Bachelor, and Cyril Nosecone is performing inland sweeps in his plane “"The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," in case the lighthouse wandered ashore.

Stay vigilant and help us in our search.

Flash cards are available, as teaching aids, for anyone who is still unsure how to identify a blinking light.

DAFT UISDEAN IN TROUBLE AGAIN!

Daft Uisdean is being questioned at the local police station, by PC Hugh Dunnett, over some alleged fraudulent transactions. It is expected that Daft Uisdean will be told to go and stand in the corner of the police cell for misleading the public over his new business venture – a Self Amusement Park.

PC Hugh Dunnett was called to the scene of a large and impatient queue, waiting at the gate to Jessie MacTavish’s field. The crowd complained that they were growing tired of amusing themselves in a queue outside a gate, leading to an empty field. Meanwhile, Daft Uisdean had fleeced five quid per person to stand in the queue to his self amusement park.

It is hoped that a long stand in the corner of the police cell will lessen Daft Uisdean’s own self amusement over the matter, but he has since found some belly button fluff and a loose thread in his hand-knitted green underpants to play with and is frustratingly content.

Daft Uisdean, who is a part-time sound engineer for Lovely Day Radio, is also being questioned over an incident that occurred recently during his employment as apprentice at Wullie Spanners' garage. When asked to polish the windows of the prized Meinisters Standard Vanguard, recently repainted by Wullie’s technicians, Daft Uisdean began searching for the newspaper and vinegar and inadvertently destroyed Wullie’s valuable collection of early edition Playboy magazines. A tearful Wullie Spanners said that his early edition centerfold of Barbara Woodhouse was completed ruined, as he scraped her acidic left thigh from the rear window of his Meinsters Standard Vanguard.

Questions are also being raised as to whether Daft Uisdean’s attempts to flush away the evidence of Wullie’s ruined Playboy magazines, was also responsible for Wullie’s recent septic tank back up. Daft Uisdean is therefore being asked to contribute to the cost of Wullie’s best boiler suit being sent to the cleaners.

Agnes Joy, who is responsible for scrubbing gussets down at the laundry, informs us that Wullie Spanners' boilersuit is nearly dry now, though, and once she has pressed it she will pop it over to him on the back of her bicycle.