"And, it's not a bad day today, after all, no its not, so it is. They said it was going to be a fair day and I think they were right enough now, so they were. Last night wasnae bad either, if you recall, with a good bitty moon and a wee wind to get the lum going, och aye, nothing like breaking a good bitty wind up the lum..."
And so Jean's speech continues...
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
New Dance Hall Prepares to Open
Today, April 28th, 2006, World Dance Day Minus One, the new dance hall down by the ferry terminal was preparing to open.
By 10 o’clock a large crowd had gathered and following a ribbon cutting ceremony, performed with precision by Jean at the Woolshop with a pair of lefthanded Fiskars 208798 dressmaking scissors, on sale this month for only ₤12.50, Jean began a very eloquent speech to name the new hall.
“Hello there everybody. Lovely day now, so it is, though it’s a bitty cold in the wind, too, now so it is. Mind you, it’s not as cold as yesterday, no. No, and not as windy as Tuesday either, goodness no. And, the rain we had Monday was awful, just awful so it was, and Monday being a washing day, too! Just as well it was windy on Tuesday for the all the clothes needing dried from Monday, aye, that’s right. Now where was I…”
While Jean organised her speech notes, there was a short musical interlude with a performance by Hanna Rexia and The Bulimic Bovines, singing “Purging on yon hillside pasture.”
Jean continued, "Aye, lovely day, right enough. Perfect morning for a light 3 ply olive green cardigan with half inch tortoiseshell buttons, so it is. And, they say it’ll be nice tomorrow, too, so they do…”
While Jean recited her fascinating weather forecasting, the programme continued with a song by Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, singing “The Skye Boat Song”, accompanied by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, on her tuba. However, when they got to the lines, “Loud the winds howl, Loud the waves roar, Thunder clouds rend the air,” the skies opened, chucking down buckets of rain on the proceedings. Rev. Hellman Brimstone then fired into action. Thrusting his bible to the air, he yelled accusingly at Annie and Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, “Heathens! Devil Worshipers!” The Rev. turned to the soaked crowd. “Quick! Save your soles! Everyone put on your wellies!”
Meanwhile, back at Jean’s speech, “Aye, it’s a wet day, so it is now. Fancy that now. Grand day for the off-white, oiled Arran knitting wool, I’m thinking now, aye. Aye, it’s wetter than it was on Monday, och aye now. Good job it’s not washing day, so it is. Aye, grand day all the same, though its a bitty on the wet side, too. Now where was I...”
Jean’s speech will continue and conclude at 9 a.m. tomorrow, when the hall will be named and declared open for World Dance Day.
By 10 o’clock a large crowd had gathered and following a ribbon cutting ceremony, performed with precision by Jean at the Woolshop with a pair of lefthanded Fiskars 208798 dressmaking scissors, on sale this month for only ₤12.50, Jean began a very eloquent speech to name the new hall.
“Hello there everybody. Lovely day now, so it is, though it’s a bitty cold in the wind, too, now so it is. Mind you, it’s not as cold as yesterday, no. No, and not as windy as Tuesday either, goodness no. And, the rain we had Monday was awful, just awful so it was, and Monday being a washing day, too! Just as well it was windy on Tuesday for the all the clothes needing dried from Monday, aye, that’s right. Now where was I…”
While Jean organised her speech notes, there was a short musical interlude with a performance by Hanna Rexia and The Bulimic Bovines, singing “Purging on yon hillside pasture.”
Jean continued, "Aye, lovely day, right enough. Perfect morning for a light 3 ply olive green cardigan with half inch tortoiseshell buttons, so it is. And, they say it’ll be nice tomorrow, too, so they do…”
While Jean recited her fascinating weather forecasting, the programme continued with a song by Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, singing “The Skye Boat Song”, accompanied by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, on her tuba. However, when they got to the lines, “Loud the winds howl, Loud the waves roar, Thunder clouds rend the air,” the skies opened, chucking down buckets of rain on the proceedings. Rev. Hellman Brimstone then fired into action. Thrusting his bible to the air, he yelled accusingly at Annie and Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, “Heathens! Devil Worshipers!” The Rev. turned to the soaked crowd. “Quick! Save your soles! Everyone put on your wellies!”
Meanwhile, back at Jean’s speech, “Aye, it’s a wet day, so it is now. Fancy that now. Grand day for the off-white, oiled Arran knitting wool, I’m thinking now, aye. Aye, it’s wetter than it was on Monday, och aye now. Good job it’s not washing day, so it is. Aye, grand day all the same, though its a bitty on the wet side, too. Now where was I...”
Jean’s speech will continue and conclude at 9 a.m. tomorrow, when the hall will be named and declared open for World Dance Day.
Friday, April 21, 2006
COMPETITION - Name the new dance hall and win a prize
In time for World Dance Day, Saturday April 29th, we are now ready and proud to unveil The Dance Hall.
Built to high standards by “The Dòmhnall” at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, it is hoped that islanders will greatly benefit from this new entertainment venue.
To celebrate the opening of our wonderful new facility, The Clapdarnach Group of Companies is launching a competition to name the building.
The winning entry will be announced at the opening ceremony on World Dance Day, April 29th, 2006.
Prizes will include a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.
Good Luck!
(Entries by Thursday 27th, in comment section, please.)
Built to high standards by “The Dòmhnall” at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, it is hoped that islanders will greatly benefit from this new entertainment venue.
To celebrate the opening of our wonderful new facility, The Clapdarnach Group of Companies is launching a competition to name the building.The winning entry will be announced at the opening ceremony on World Dance Day, April 29th, 2006.
Prizes will include a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.
Good Luck!
(Entries by Thursday 27th, in comment section, please.)
Thursday, April 20, 2006
2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee
Would contestants for the 2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee please collect their tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti by noon tomorrow, from Jean at the Woolshop. The contest begins 6.00 pm sharp, in the back room of Murdina's Butcher Shop.
Remember the rules –
No spelling out obscene words.
Alphabetti Spaghetti only - no prawns!
No spelling with your mouth full.
No Bees.
Only one contestant in the Porta Loo at a time.
Do not feed the judges.
No Parmesan cheese in the Porta Loo.
Cheerleaders must not spell out the words, when providing support.
No village idiots, one-eared sheep or one-legged contestants.
Sorry, only one 40oz bottle of cooking whisky allowed per contestant.
In the event of slurred speech, the judge’s decision will be final.
No playing with the sausage machine or the mincer.
List of words that contestants must spell, as follows –
Poacher
Salmon
Gamekeeper
Run
Hide
Siren
Police
Gotcha
Handcuffs
Court
Judge
Jail
Warden
Key
Slam
Lights Out
Cooey Cooey little Poacher
Oh Oh!
Burly Brokeback Mountaineering Inmates
Run
Hide
Remember the rules –
No spelling out obscene words.
Alphabetti Spaghetti only - no prawns!
No spelling with your mouth full.
No Bees.
Only one contestant in the Porta Loo at a time.
Do not feed the judges.
No Parmesan cheese in the Porta Loo.
Cheerleaders must not spell out the words, when providing support.
No village idiots, one-eared sheep or one-legged contestants.
Sorry, only one 40oz bottle of cooking whisky allowed per contestant.
In the event of slurred speech, the judge’s decision will be final.
No playing with the sausage machine or the mincer.
List of words that contestants must spell, as follows –
Poacher
Salmon
Gamekeeper
Run
Hide
Siren
Police
Gotcha
Handcuffs
Court
Judge
Jail
Warden
Key
Slam
Lights Out
Cooey Cooey little Poacher
Oh Oh!
Burly Brokeback Mountaineering Inmates
Run
Hide
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Don't Forget Earth Day!
Earth Day 2006 is Saturday, April 22nd. Consequently, Woodworm Willie, at the Woodworm Coffin Company Ltd., will be offering two for the price of one burials on Saturday.
Come and try out his new earth-friendly, green store with recycled coffins (professionally hoovered for re-use by Lachlann's Valet Dancers.)
... and bring a friend.
Come and try out his new earth-friendly, green store with recycled coffins (professionally hoovered for re-use by Lachlann's Valet Dancers.)
... and bring a friend.
Barking News!
Farquar Bogg, from the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, has received an anonymous complaint from the pen of Máiréad MacPhee. “In the rich mix of highland life, here on the island, I protest that no provision is being made for our canine components.”
“Máiréad MacPhee, club secretary of the Dung Flinger's Games, is a valued member of our community and she raises a very valid point here;” says Farquar. “The island has a predominance of sheep and we need more recognition of man’s faithful friend.”
Máiréad wrote, “When my husband Erchie accepted the role of Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games, he assumed that his dog would be part of the proceedings. We were aghast when Erchie was told that Jean at the Woolshop would not be knitting a matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants. Erchie had spent hours training his dog to undo gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan and to fasten them again once he’d cocked his leg.”
Her complaint continued, “Erchie’s stalwart companion is recognisable by his eye patch and a missing ear. Wrongly evicted from the Kennel Club, electrocuted by peeing on the toaster, and brain damaged by the flying hoof of an epileptic heifer, he was also mistakenly neutered by Murdina the Butcher when he ventured to collect Erchie’s pound of tripe. The dog suffers from flatulance, a dander allergy and severe Felinophobia. But, still he answers to “Lucky”.”
“It seems to me that Lucky would fit in seamlessly into the Dung Flinger’s Games, especially in a community within which one member has lost his marbles, another his leg and a third its lug.”
Máiréad challenges an unfair and exclusive bias towards sheep on the island, saying, “We need to address the issue that if One Lug Doug, the prize-winning sheep, continues to rule the roost, basking in favouritism, then Erchie’s Lucky, the One Lug Dug, is being unfairly victimised. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that once these people learn of Lucky’s range of infirmities, they would all be jealous since they only have one each.”
Farquar Bogg said that, since the receipt of Máiréad’s complaint, others have followed. “We are still sifting through the mail,” says Farquar, “and the dilemma is growing more complex as I read.”
“In protest, Erchie MacPhee has stepped down as Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger's Games, until such time as Lucky is fully included. The 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games has, therefore, been temporarily postponed to an undecided date, later in the dung season. This has angered dung fans in the community, who are receiving the support of sheep owners. “Let’s get Lucky tonight!” the islanders are shouting to the sheep.”
Farquar concluded, “We need to hear from more dog owners, in support of Lucky, who feel their canines have been neglected, too.”
Photo courtesy of Clapdarnach Studios -
"A self-conscious Lucky wears his new cosmetic wig, specially designed to hide the missing ear."
“Máiréad MacPhee, club secretary of the Dung Flinger's Games, is a valued member of our community and she raises a very valid point here;” says Farquar. “The island has a predominance of sheep and we need more recognition of man’s faithful friend.”
Máiréad wrote, “When my husband Erchie accepted the role of Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games, he assumed that his dog would be part of the proceedings. We were aghast when Erchie was told that Jean at the Woolshop would not be knitting a matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants. Erchie had spent hours training his dog to undo gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan and to fasten them again once he’d cocked his leg.”
Her complaint continued, “Erchie’s stalwart companion is recognisable by his eye patch and a missing ear. Wrongly evicted from the Kennel Club, electrocuted by peeing on the toaster, and brain damaged by the flying hoof of an epileptic heifer, he was also mistakenly neutered by Murdina the Butcher when he ventured to collect Erchie’s pound of tripe. The dog suffers from flatulance, a dander allergy and severe Felinophobia. But, still he answers to “Lucky”.”
“It seems to me that Lucky would fit in seamlessly into the Dung Flinger’s Games, especially in a community within which one member has lost his marbles, another his leg and a third its lug.”
Máiréad challenges an unfair and exclusive bias towards sheep on the island, saying, “We need to address the issue that if One Lug Doug, the prize-winning sheep, continues to rule the roost, basking in favouritism, then Erchie’s Lucky, the One Lug Dug, is being unfairly victimised. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that once these people learn of Lucky’s range of infirmities, they would all be jealous since they only have one each.”
Farquar Bogg said that, since the receipt of Máiréad’s complaint, others have followed. “We are still sifting through the mail,” says Farquar, “and the dilemma is growing more complex as I read.”
“In protest, Erchie MacPhee has stepped down as Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger's Games, until such time as Lucky is fully included. The 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games has, therefore, been temporarily postponed to an undecided date, later in the dung season. This has angered dung fans in the community, who are receiving the support of sheep owners. “Let’s get Lucky tonight!” the islanders are shouting to the sheep.”
Farquar concluded, “We need to hear from more dog owners, in support of Lucky, who feel their canines have been neglected, too.”
Photo courtesy of Clapdarnach Studios -
"A self-conscious Lucky wears his new cosmetic wig, specially designed to hide the missing ear."
Monday, April 17, 2006
HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT
"HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT" - A Collection of Memoirs from the Highland Island - compiled by host Torquil Mhor
Work has begun on an historical collection of stories and memories from the island.
If your name appears in the list below, you are cordially invited to SUBMIT to the site for inclusion, beginning with the very early years.
Woodworm Willie, Daft Uisdean, Farquar Bogg, Cyril Nosecone, Rev. Hellman Brimstone, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish, PC Hugh Dunnett, 'Magnus the Bobby' from the mainland, Jean at the Woolshop, Murdina the Butcher, Big Maggie Ann, Ruby Hazelnut, Scotaidh the Prawn Packer, Máiréad and Erchie MacPhee, Coinneach Crow, Dr. Drew Blood, Barbara Blacksheep, Winfrey Littleboy, The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862., The Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.
If your name does not appear, please submit your memoirs anyway and we’ll try to include them. Thanks to those who have already contributed.
At present, all work is unedited so in order to assist please do not drop litter, leave the seat up, or smoke in public areas.
See "MORE FROM TORQUIL HERE" on the left-hand column, for details.
Work has begun on an historical collection of stories and memories from the island.
If your name appears in the list below, you are cordially invited to SUBMIT to the site for inclusion, beginning with the very early years.
Woodworm Willie, Daft Uisdean, Farquar Bogg, Cyril Nosecone, Rev. Hellman Brimstone, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish, PC Hugh Dunnett, 'Magnus the Bobby' from the mainland, Jean at the Woolshop, Murdina the Butcher, Big Maggie Ann, Ruby Hazelnut, Scotaidh the Prawn Packer, Máiréad and Erchie MacPhee, Coinneach Crow, Dr. Drew Blood, Barbara Blacksheep, Winfrey Littleboy, The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862., The Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.
If your name does not appear, please submit your memoirs anyway and we’ll try to include them. Thanks to those who have already contributed.
At present, all work is unedited so in order to assist please do not drop litter, leave the seat up, or smoke in public areas.
See "MORE FROM TORQUIL HERE" on the left-hand column, for details.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Tribunal rules on "Barbara the imposter"
Yesterday the tribunal heard allegations of racial tensions at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm when Barbara Blacksheep claimed she was being unfairly victimised because of the colour of her wool.
Overnight, however, news was breaking to expect an early vote from the tribunal, so this morning I joined a gathering flock of cheviots to await a possible ruling on Barbara Blacksheep by the returning officer Winfrey Littleboy, who lives down the lane.
“Barbara Blacksheep, produced three bags full of evidence, when questioned about her wool. The Master and his Dame took possession of two bags and I have inspected the third bag. Our decision was unanimous – Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter and her case has been dismissed,” reported Winfrey Littleboy.
Overseas newspaper correspondents Maida Phibbs from “The Eigg Timer” and Liza White from "Benbecula Evening Ewes" asked, “What did the evidence tell you? How do you know that Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter?”
Winfrey Littleboy, with the help of PC Hugh Dunnett, produced a Shanks white enamel bathtub and PC Dunett proceeded to concoct one of his famous cucumber bubble baths. They coaxed Barbara Blacksheep into the bath.
Overnight, however, news was breaking to expect an early vote from the tribunal, so this morning I joined a gathering flock of cheviots to await a possible ruling on Barbara Blacksheep by the returning officer Winfrey Littleboy, who lives down the lane.
“Barbara Blacksheep, produced three bags full of evidence, when questioned about her wool. The Master and his Dame took possession of two bags and I have inspected the third bag. Our decision was unanimous – Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter and her case has been dismissed,” reported Winfrey Littleboy.
Overseas newspaper correspondents Maida Phibbs from “The Eigg Timer” and Liza White from "Benbecula Evening Ewes" asked, “What did the evidence tell you? How do you know that Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter?”
Winfrey Littleboy, with the help of PC Hugh Dunnett, produced a Shanks white enamel bathtub and PC Dunett proceeded to concoct one of his famous cucumber bubble baths. They coaxed Barbara Blacksheep into the bath.
A very sheepish Barbara was caught on camera, as her true colours were revealed.
Barbara has been referred to psychiatric services for a Baa-ckground check and a full report will be sent to Jean at the Woolshop.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Racial Discrimination - at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm!
The tribunal hearing on racial discrimination claims by Barbara Blacksheep begins today. Barbara, a 3 year old immigrant ewe from the mainland, alleges that, ever since she was herded off the Caledonian MacBrains ferry, she has been unfairly victimised because of her breeding.
“Now I don’t do no cussin’ ‘bout I’s farmer and his lady wife, no sir. Them is really grand island peoples to graze for. I’s as fond of them as I can be. I’s proud like I done raised some fine Sunday leg roasts for I’s master. Yessiree,” said Barbara.
“But, us overseas ewes can’t pick up they turnips and just chew them into which-a-way they wants them to be. No sir. I done tired of tellin’ em farm hands that I’s bred on collard greens ‘n corn,” she said.
Barbara was growing visibly upset. “Course I still eats em but I tells you, Mister, I don’t know how long I going to be able to keep on at this here farm. Turnip’s hard and it done takes one long ass time to get through. However, that don’t bothers I none as much as the pushin’ and the shovin’ and the name callin’ by all em white ass hootchy-mama ewes.”
As the tribunal progresses throughout the week, we will be rejoining Barbara with exclusive reports on her alleged suffering at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Quality Holiday Homes To Let
Welcome to "The Dòmhnall's" Quality Holiday Homes, at MacTrumpet Towers at The Ferry Terminal.
All our quality homes have sea view and are located in sheltered positions, protected from sea breezes by the bank to the west of the island dump.
Homes are rented on a self-catering basis for weekend or full week rentals.
Upgraded to high standards! Sleeps 2 - 26, with detatchable sheep pen. Goats welcome. Llamas must be house-trained.
As pictured, full laundry facilities with running water. New forest green high-technology waste-disposal unit, in the latest portable form. Washing can be done behind the privacy of a newly built wall. Portable wind-breaker, complete with new poles and tent pegs, is supplied for the privacy from poachers and farm vehicles aproaching from open fields to the side and rear.
The latest in hair salon accessories, pictured between the upright brown laundry and the forest green sanitation and waste-disposal unit, can be effectively used for hair-washing days.
En suite bathrooms available on request.
For reservations, availability and prices email Torquil at - highlandisland@verizon.net
All our quality homes have sea view and are located in sheltered positions, protected from sea breezes by the bank to the west of the island dump.Homes are rented on a self-catering basis for weekend or full week rentals.
Upgraded to high standards! Sleeps 2 - 26, with detatchable sheep pen. Goats welcome. Llamas must be house-trained.
As pictured, full laundry facilities with running water. New forest green high-technology waste-disposal unit, in the latest portable form. Washing can be done behind the privacy of a newly built wall. Portable wind-breaker, complete with new poles and tent pegs, is supplied for the privacy from poachers and farm vehicles aproaching from open fields to the side and rear.The latest in hair salon accessories, pictured between the upright brown laundry and the forest green sanitation and waste-disposal unit, can be effectively used for hair-washing days.
En suite bathrooms available on request.
For reservations, availability and prices email Torquil at - highlandisland@verizon.net
Over 60s Seniors' Club - Dung Wrestling Competition
The Over 60's Seniors' Club are sending out an appeal for dung for their Dung Wrestling Competition to be held at the Dung Flingers' Games on May 6th, 2006. "As you can see, the pile
is growing but, " says club secretary, Máiréad MacPhee, "we are hoping that this year people will dig deep into their pockets and donate lots more dung."
Máiréad's husband, Erchie MacPhee, has just been bestowed with the honor of being chosen as the Clan Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games. It has just been announced, too, that Jean at the Woolshop has finished designing and constructing the traditional knitted underpants to be worn by the Chieftain. We await confirmation yet but it is rumoured that Erchie's underpants will be made of olive green Sirdar double knitting, but with the unusual addition of gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan. Reportedly, Jean used a size 10 needle for the knitting.
The programme of events for the 2006 games is as follows –
10 am – Opening speech by the Clan Chieftain of the Games followed by an unveiling of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games underpants, together with a demonstration.
10.30 – The Chieftain chooses his partner for round one of the dung wrestling.
10.45 – Round two of the dung wrestling is a Ladies' Choice, led by the Chieftain’s wife, Máiréad, to the music of the Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. Solos will feature Annie on her tuba and Bertha on the bassoon.
11.00 – Cyril Nosecone digs deep and buys a round of drinks for all at the bar.
12 noon – Award winning talk and demonstration by Jimmy Clog the plumber on “D.I.Y. Fashion Accessories for Your Home Septic Tank.”
12.30 – The Clapdarnach Association hold their Craft Fair in the Beer Tent. Entry forms for the dangleberry modeling competition can be obtained from myself, Torquil. Dried clapdarnachs can be bought on the day for use but contestants must bring their own sellotape, scissors, carving tools, string and paint.
2.00 – The Competitive Games continue in the field behind the Woolshop with Dried Turd Hurling, Bull Fart Lighting Competitions, and prizes for the largest bags of sheep droppings gathered over the day. Bags and entry forms can be obtained from myself, again.
3.00 – Judging of the face painting competition (paint supplied by the Dangleberry Cosmetic Company – made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.)
3.30 – Queue begins for sample tastings of the new 2006 Clapdarnach Beaujolais Nouveau (wine supplied by Clapdarnach Wineries - made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.
5.00 – The Dung Flingers' Ceilidh Ball begins.
is growing but, " says club secretary, Máiréad MacPhee, "we are hoping that this year people will dig deep into their pockets and donate lots more dung."Máiréad's husband, Erchie MacPhee, has just been bestowed with the honor of being chosen as the Clan Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games. It has just been announced, too, that Jean at the Woolshop has finished designing and constructing the traditional knitted underpants to be worn by the Chieftain. We await confirmation yet but it is rumoured that Erchie's underpants will be made of olive green Sirdar double knitting, but with the unusual addition of gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan. Reportedly, Jean used a size 10 needle for the knitting.
The programme of events for the 2006 games is as follows –
10 am – Opening speech by the Clan Chieftain of the Games followed by an unveiling of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games underpants, together with a demonstration.
10.30 – The Chieftain chooses his partner for round one of the dung wrestling.
10.45 – Round two of the dung wrestling is a Ladies' Choice, led by the Chieftain’s wife, Máiréad, to the music of the Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. Solos will feature Annie on her tuba and Bertha on the bassoon.
11.00 – Cyril Nosecone digs deep and buys a round of drinks for all at the bar.
12 noon – Award winning talk and demonstration by Jimmy Clog the plumber on “D.I.Y. Fashion Accessories for Your Home Septic Tank.”
12.30 – The Clapdarnach Association hold their Craft Fair in the Beer Tent. Entry forms for the dangleberry modeling competition can be obtained from myself, Torquil. Dried clapdarnachs can be bought on the day for use but contestants must bring their own sellotape, scissors, carving tools, string and paint.
2.00 – The Competitive Games continue in the field behind the Woolshop with Dried Turd Hurling, Bull Fart Lighting Competitions, and prizes for the largest bags of sheep droppings gathered over the day. Bags and entry forms can be obtained from myself, again.
3.00 – Judging of the face painting competition (paint supplied by the Dangleberry Cosmetic Company – made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.)
3.30 – Queue begins for sample tastings of the new 2006 Clapdarnach Beaujolais Nouveau (wine supplied by Clapdarnach Wineries - made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.
5.00 – The Dung Flingers' Ceilidh Ball begins.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Volunteer Department News
The V.D. (Volunteer Department) on the island seeks new recruits to assist with various projects.
- “Priority assistance is sought to finish laying the runway at Sammy’s new airstrip,” said V.D. spokesperson Woodworm Willie.
Controversy still surrounds the airstrip project, officially known as The Strip Club. “The Strip Club has been inundated with insurance and funding problems, following Cyril Nosecone’s crash, and complaints are still forthcoming from the Ladies’ Church Guild. Since the disappearance of Mad Dolly and her three twin sisters, who were expelled from the Dunvegan Retirement Home for illicit gambling practices and for distilling gin in the hot water bottle cupboard, the Guild still insists that The Strip Club is harboring these refugees from Skye, exploiting the biddies as sex slaves,” said Willie. “Meanwhile, our Strip Club volunteers have been spread thin and we have an approaching completion deadline of March 18th, the day of the local air show.”
He continued, “Over the next few days, we need muscular guys to help expand the V.D. by laying and spreading over as many spots as possible along at the Strip Club."
- Clinical trial volunteers are also needed to ingest some of Torquil’s clapdarnach incense cones. “We are currently printing new labels for marketing and we still can’t decide whether to type “Harmful when swallowed” or “Fatal when swallowed,” said Woodworm.
- Lastly, a Time Capsule Project has been proposed by the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, an avid follower of T.V. series Star Trek. “Suggestions are needed for items to be placed inside a time capsule,” said Woodworm Willie. Imaginative suggestions can be given left in the comment section below.
Late Announcement ...
The Ladies Church Guild has informed me that Cyril's granny's will has been contested.
It appears that the coat his granny knit, in the barn, may not have been Cyril's to sell up on yonder crag. Until the probate case and the frozen assets of 'one buck' resolves, there will be no winner of the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.
It appears that the coat his granny knit, in the barn, may not have been Cyril's to sell up on yonder crag. Until the probate case and the frozen assets of 'one buck' resolves, there will be no winner of the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.
And the winner is ...
Cyril Nosecose has won the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.
The judges agreed that Farquar Bogg's poem was imaginative, but the ladies of the baking committee at the church guild have been protesting with banners outside the woolshop today - "Down with HP sauce additives". The ladies of the sheep protection league of the church guild have also been protesting. They demand that sheep wool must be removed from the sheep before knitting, and so Maggie Ann's poem has been disqualified, also.
So, well done Cyril. Here is his poem -
"I stood upon yonder Crag
To sell the coat my granny knit
In a barn
To see if I could make a buck."
Unfortunately, all the prizes fell off the back of the delivery lorry, on their way to the judging committee, so I am donating 10 buckets of turnips for the 1st Annual Poetry Competition prize.
Cyril, let me know when you want to collect your neeps.
The judges agreed that Farquar Bogg's poem was imaginative, but the ladies of the baking committee at the church guild have been protesting with banners outside the woolshop today - "Down with HP sauce additives". The ladies of the sheep protection league of the church guild have also been protesting. They demand that sheep wool must be removed from the sheep before knitting, and so Maggie Ann's poem has been disqualified, also.
So, well done Cyril. Here is his poem -
"I stood upon yonder Crag
To sell the coat my granny knit
In a barn
To see if I could make a buck."
Unfortunately, all the prizes fell off the back of the delivery lorry, on their way to the judging committee, so I am donating 10 buckets of turnips for the 1st Annual Poetry Competition prize.
Cyril, let me know when you want to collect your neeps.
Friday, March 10, 2006
Daft Uisdean spotted!
Jean at the woolshop and my good self have spent all day posting warning signs along the coastal beaches.
Our worse fears have been realized. It is true – Daft Uidean is indeed part amphibian. We had always wondered about his webbed fingers and toes.
The day that Daft Uisdean abandoned, Dougal, his wheelbarrow in the woods, he ran towards the call of the sea. Local reporter, William Watcher, said today in the Island Times, "He only surfaces to flash his underpants and to scare the shell-seekers."
If you see Daft Uisdean, do not approach him.
A handsome reward has been offered for his capture.
Friday, March 03, 2006
1st Annual Poetry Competition
Submissions are invited to enter the island's "1st Annual Poetry Competition."
This year’s subject is “Sheep”.
Rules –
The poem should be no longer than 16 lines and must include at least 4 of the following 6 rhyming words – Ghillie, Knit, Barn, Crag, Buck, and Venus.
Entries to be submitted in the comments section, below, by 12 noon GMT on March 12th, 2006.
Exciting prizes to be announced at the end of the competition, according to the response.
Good Luck!
This year’s subject is “Sheep”.
Rules –
The poem should be no longer than 16 lines and must include at least 4 of the following 6 rhyming words – Ghillie, Knit, Barn, Crag, Buck, and Venus.
Entries to be submitted in the comments section, below, by 12 noon GMT on March 12th, 2006.
Exciting prizes to be announced at the end of the competition, according to the response.
Good Luck!
Friday, February 10, 2006
THE PROPHECIES
“When the cockerel crows thrice, at the same time as the iron bird ejects a large box into the minch, a short man will hop east and find his leg.
The woman who smells of gorgonzola should beware of changes, for a dark haired man will soon ask for cranberry stilton.
A strange, odorous creature lurks in the depths of the waters off Skye, half man and half fish. The creature is known to islanders and he is the one you seek. Look west into the setting sun and you will find the creature by his silhouette.
The one who asks about money will only have one opportunity to return it. The merchant banker will seek this money, as he considers the benefits of funding a unique musical event. Funding will be granted only if the money is returned, but Coinneach Crow warns that this musical production will bring many problems to the island. A baby will be born during the production. Beware of this child for he will not be like others.
Coinneach Crow does not prophecy for personal gain, only for the greater good.
The one who is being followed should not fear. Someone is trying to return something to you.
Coinneach Crow hears noises inside a fair woman’s ear. She must remove the noises from her ear before driving inside mechanical box.
The whales! The whales! They are off course. The strange creature, half man and half fish, disrupts the harmony of the sea. Look west into the setting sun. Find his silhouette and remove the creature from the minch. Only then will whales swim straight at the channel.
Women will travel in back of mechanical box, only when dog travels in the front.
Coinneach Crow has spoken.”
The woman who smells of gorgonzola should beware of changes, for a dark haired man will soon ask for cranberry stilton.
A strange, odorous creature lurks in the depths of the waters off Skye, half man and half fish. The creature is known to islanders and he is the one you seek. Look west into the setting sun and you will find the creature by his silhouette.
The one who asks about money will only have one opportunity to return it. The merchant banker will seek this money, as he considers the benefits of funding a unique musical event. Funding will be granted only if the money is returned, but Coinneach Crow warns that this musical production will bring many problems to the island. A baby will be born during the production. Beware of this child for he will not be like others.
Coinneach Crow does not prophecy for personal gain, only for the greater good.
The one who is being followed should not fear. Someone is trying to return something to you.
Coinneach Crow hears noises inside a fair woman’s ear. She must remove the noises from her ear before driving inside mechanical box.
The whales! The whales! They are off course. The strange creature, half man and half fish, disrupts the harmony of the sea. Look west into the setting sun. Find his silhouette and remove the creature from the minch. Only then will whales swim straight at the channel.
Women will travel in back of mechanical box, only when dog travels in the front.
Coinneach Crow has spoken.”
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The Prophecies of Coineach Crow
“Caw,” he said. “Caw, Caw.”
Dank mist embraced the hilltops like a shroud. Cold scraped at my bones, grating like the coarse tongue of an old fishwife. The sea, grey as a dirge, slapped the craggy coastline. I turned up my collar, waiting for Coinneach Crow to fix his gaze on the horizon. That would be the sign.
A gull swooped, impatiently. Oyster catchers peet peeted. The cormorant, from rocky-cliff nest of seaweed, stretched out its long neck and peered with beady eye, “is he ready?”
A glimmer brightened the eastern sky, shifting colors from aquas to jades. Olive seas turned emerald, shimmering. Sands glistened; gems, topaz, diamonds.
“Caw.” He was ready. Coinneach fixed his gaze.
“I am Coinneach!” he said.
Sand whipped around my legs, as a breeze stirred.
“Coinneach will only prophecy for the greater good,” he cawed in low drones, before spelling out all the answers that you await so eagerly.
(Call back tomorrow - Jean at the wool shop will have your answers typed up.)
COMING SOON - Prophecies from Coinneach the Crow!
Coinneach the Crow gazes wistfully out to sea, the giant energy field that provides Coinneach with his visions into the future.
Coming soon to this blog, Coinneach will be making live predictions
If you would like Coinneach to seek answers to your problems, please submit your questions in the 'comments' section.
NB - Coinneach says he cannot be responsible if your question is not answered, or for the content or reliability of his replies.
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