New - Out of the Croft Assistant

I will be out of the croft for a few days.

Following the lambing season, it's now clapdarnach gathering week. (Orders are now being taken for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones - milder aroma but more succulent!)

If you want to leave a message (or an order for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones) I now have a new "Out of the Croft Assistant".

A box of carving tools will be left by the tree at the bottom of the road, so please carve your message after the tone.

Thank you very much, now.

“Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?”

Darn it! I missed the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations.

You see, Big Maggie Ann called at the croft this morning. (An easterly wind was blowing in off the Minch and I swear Big Maggie Ann could smell our food cooking from over her side of the hill.)

Mother stirred the cast iron pot on the range. “Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?” she asked politely, as all mothers do when visitors call.

Judging by the amount of chocolate smeared around Big Maggie Ann’s pudding face, I reckoned she'd eaten plenty.

“Oh, thank you, No,” said Big Maggie. “Are you making a wee strupach, then?” She moistened around her wind-chapped lips with a large, dirty, brown tongue and thundered her arse onto the upright chair by the hearth. The wooden legs squeaked and strained under her weight.

I threw some more peat on the fire, and sighed. Aye, Big Maggie Ann was to be there for the day, so I’d just have to accept it.

What a cheek that big woman has. A “wee strupach” indeed! In my day “strupach” meant a cup of tea and maybe a home-baked scone with butter. Big Maggie Ann arrived at 11 o’clock and after consuming a couple of lightly poached deer, she asked for some dental floss to clean her tooth. “Cleanliness in next to Godliness,” she said, with venison gravy now caked into the remaining chocolate on her hairy chin. I itched to comb it out but I was able to distract myself for a minute or two, reading a short article about Clachnabruich Shinty Team on the sport’s page of the paper.

Big Maggie Ann then devoured two oatcakes with crowdie, four pieces of shortbread, six pancakes dripping in strawberry jam and half a loaf of bread, toasted then spread with dripping. She burped, loudly, and asked me to pass the box of matches, so that she could light up her pipe.

Now I could’ve just left Big Maggie Ann with Mother, and joined Willie and Cyril for a wee drop of cooking whisky down at the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations, but Mother would’ve given me one of her “looks.” I might be a bachelor but I know that when a woman gives a man the “look” only a foolish idiot would ignore it.

Tell me about the celebrations, Cyril, will you? Did I miss anything spectacular?

Sinko d' Mayo

The annual festival of Sinko d’ Mayo will be held tomorrow at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, starting between 9 am and 11.30 am, sharp.

This festival, of course, honors Fungal Finlay who lost his life at sea, serving his local community. Fungal, a local grocer on the island, reversed his Ford Anglia Estate to the end of the ferry pier and, while unloading boxes of groceries onto a Russian fishing trawler, the car’s handbrake disengaged, shunting him, and all his groceries, into the water and down to the depths of the sea bed.

Groceries consisted of tubs of egg yolks, jars of mustard, bottles of white wine vinegar, olive oil, and lemons. In memory of the “Sinko d’ Mayo”, a public holiday was declared and has been recognized ever since on May 5th of each year, here on the island.

Fungal Finlay, posthumously of course, was also the recipient of the much coveted "award to die for" – The Woodworm Coffin Company, Ltd. “Corpse of the Year.”

Celebrations begin with a tuba recital by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. and her rendition of "Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree..."

4th May, 2006

May the Fourth be with you!

From Daft Uisdean

BUSINESS NEWS

The Clapdarnach Group of Companies announces the grand opening of "The Clapdarnach Home Depot" - imaginative home furnishings at affordable prices.

Why let your seagull nest on a bare chimney pot when we can install one of our latest designs in compost bags! They're snug fitting, retaining the chimney-pot warmth, and kind to the environment by trapping the smoke inside your home.

Be the envy of your neighbourhood and shop at Torquil's new store.

Memoirs of World Dance Day

Ruby Hazelnut, Dance Instructor from the Dancing by Numbers Nightclass, reports -

I danced in the morning when World Dance Day begun
I danced with Torquil, and with Cyril’s daft son
I got down with Kylie Madonna and we danced on the Earth
At the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, she gave birth.

“You dancing then?” Said Woodworm Willie
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Woodworm Willie?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your wooden leg, then?” said Me

I danced for The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1863
But they would not dance until they found ‘Middle C’
I danced for the poachers, and with Big Maggie Ann
She crushed my big toe, but the dance went on.

“You dancing then?” Said Cyril Nosecone
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Cyril Nosecone?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your nose, then?” said Me

I danced on Friday 28th April, when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance the strip polka with a heavy raincoat on your back
Daft Uisdean bared his bottom, and danced the seven veils
Then he wasn’t at the Dance: he was sitting in jail!

“You dancing then?” Said PC Hugh Dunnett
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, PC Hugh Dunett?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your truncheon, then?” said Me

They cut Jean a joint and she leapt up high
Hers was the Speech that would never, never die!
So we borrowed some Mogadon and put it in her tea,
Lord, the Dance was now ball, because it was speech free.

“You dancing then?” Said Erchie MacPhee
“I am the Chieftain of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Erchie MacPhee?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your wee dog Lucky, then?” said Me

Note from Torquil - After that happy ending, where Erchie agreed to be Chieftain of the Dung Wrestling games, and Lucky was measured up for his matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants, with Hunting MacPhee tartan crotch buttons, Cyril Nosecone presented his paper to the committee "My life as a pilot - turbulence as a form of dance."

Cyril’s paper will be added to the comments section soon, so watch this space.

4 Days, 6 Hours, and 55 Minutes !!

Finally, Jean's speech drew to an end. (Thanks to Big Maggie Ann for spiking Jean's cup of tea with Mogadon.) Unfortunately, Jean fell asleep before she picked the competition winner, so Woodworm Willie has chosen the new name of "The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall", as suggested by Jeeves from Texas.

Jeeves wins a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.

Coinciding with opening of the new dance hall, “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, has just added another beautiful villa to their collection of holiday homes.The Glen Burach Villa sleeps 2 - 19 and benefits from the latest technology - black and white television (complete with 12 volt car battery), gramophone player (with a selection of 78 rpm records, including Sir Harry Lauder singing Bonnie Wee Annie and He Was Very Kind To Me a.k.a. He Was Very Kind To Me.), and a bed pan (guaranteed leak and leek proof.)

The speech goes on and on and on and on ...

No winner has been announced yet, as Jean is now on Day Four of her speech ...

"Yes, Goodness me it's a lovely day. Just a wee bitty frost last night and some rain this morning, too, yes, that's right now, but a lovely afternoon for the washing to dry. Yes, now that's just the thing, a wee bitty wind is just grand for the cardigans if you put them on a clothes hanger. Hand wash only mind! Oh yes, yes indeed, now. Aye lovely day, so it is now, right enough."

Competition winner - Announcement delay...

"And, it's not a bad day today, after all, no its not, so it is. They said it was going to be a fair day and I think they were right enough now, so they were. Last night wasnae bad either, if you recall, with a good bitty moon and a wee wind to get the lum going, och aye, nothing like breaking a good bitty wind up the lum..."

And so Jean's speech continues...

New Dance Hall Prepares to Open

Today, April 28th, 2006, World Dance Day Minus One, the new dance hall down by the ferry terminal was preparing to open.

By 10 o’clock a large crowd had gathered and following a ribbon cutting ceremony, performed with precision by Jean at the Woolshop with a pair of lefthanded Fiskars 208798 dressmaking scissors, on sale this month for only ₤12.50, Jean began a very eloquent speech to name the new hall.

“Hello there everybody. Lovely day now, so it is, though it’s a bitty cold in the wind, too, now so it is. Mind you, it’s not as cold as yesterday, no. No, and not as windy as Tuesday either, goodness no. And, the rain we had Monday was awful, just awful so it was, and Monday being a washing day, too! Just as well it was windy on Tuesday for the all the clothes needing dried from Monday, aye, that’s right. Now where was I…”

While Jean organised her speech notes, there was a short musical interlude with a performance by Hanna Rexia and The Bulimic Bovines, singing “Purging on yon hillside pasture.”

Jean continued, "Aye, lovely day, right enough. Perfect morning for a light 3 ply olive green cardigan with half inch tortoiseshell buttons, so it is. And, they say it’ll be nice tomorrow, too, so they do…”

While Jean recited her fascinating weather forecasting, the programme continued with a song by Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, singing “The Skye Boat Song”, accompanied by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, on her tuba. However, when they got to the lines, “Loud the winds howl, Loud the waves roar, Thunder clouds rend the air,” the skies opened, chucking down buckets of rain on the proceedings. Rev. Hellman Brimstone then fired into action. Thrusting his bible to the air, he yelled accusingly at Annie and Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, “Heathens! Devil Worshipers!” The Rev. turned to the soaked crowd. “Quick! Save your soles! Everyone put on your wellies!”

Meanwhile, back at Jean’s speech, “Aye, it’s a wet day, so it is now. Fancy that now. Grand day for the off-white, oiled Arran knitting wool, I’m thinking now, aye. Aye, it’s wetter than it was on Monday, och aye now. Good job it’s not washing day, so it is. Aye, grand day all the same, though its a bitty on the wet side, too. Now where was I...”

Jean’s speech will continue and conclude at 9 a.m. tomorrow, when the hall will be named and declared open for World Dance Day.

COMPETITION - Name the new dance hall and win a prize

In time for World Dance Day, Saturday April 29th, we are now ready and proud to unveil The Dance Hall.

Built to high standards by “The Dòmhnall” at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, it is hoped that islanders will greatly benefit from this new entertainment venue.

To celebrate the opening of our wonderful new facility, The Clapdarnach Group of Companies is launching a competition to name the building.

The winning entry will be announced at the opening ceremony on World Dance Day, April 29th, 2006.

Prizes will include a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.

Good Luck!

(Entries by Thursday 27th, in comment section, please.)

NEWS JUST IN ...

2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee

Would contestants for the 2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee please collect their tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti by noon tomorrow, from Jean at the Woolshop. The contest begins 6.00 pm sharp, in the back room of Murdina's Butcher Shop.

Remember the rules –

No spelling out obscene words.
Alphabetti Spaghetti only - no prawns!
No spelling with your mouth full.
No Bees.
Only one contestant in the Porta Loo at a time.
Do not feed the judges.
No Parmesan cheese in the Porta Loo.
Cheerleaders must not spell out the words, when providing support.
No village idiots, one-eared sheep or one-legged contestants.
Sorry, only one 40oz bottle of cooking whisky allowed per contestant.
In the event of slurred speech, the judge’s decision will be final.
No playing with the sausage machine or the mincer.


List of words that contestants must spell, as follows –

Poacher
Salmon
Gamekeeper
Run
Hide
Siren
Police
Gotcha
Handcuffs
Court
Judge
Jail
Warden
Key
Slam
Lights Out
Cooey Cooey little Poacher
Oh Oh!
Burly Brokeback Mountaineering Inmates
Run
Hide

Don't Forget Earth Day!

Earth Day 2006 is Saturday, April 22nd. Consequently, Woodworm Willie, at the Woodworm Coffin Company Ltd., will be offering two for the price of one burials on Saturday.

Come and try out his new earth-friendly, green store with recycled coffins (professionally hoovered for re-use by Lachlann's Valet Dancers.)

... and bring a friend.

Barking News!

Farquar Bogg, from the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, has received an anonymous complaint from the pen of Máiréad MacPhee. “In the rich mix of highland life, here on the island, I protest that no provision is being made for our canine components.”

“Máiréad MacPhee, club secretary of the Dung Flinger's Games, is a valued member of our community and she raises a very valid point here;” says Farquar. “The island has a predominance of sheep and we need more recognition of man’s faithful friend.”

Máiréad wrote, “When my husband Erchie accepted the role of Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games, he assumed that his dog would be part of the proceedings. We were aghast when Erchie was told that Jean at the Woolshop would not be knitting a matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants. Erchie had spent hours training his dog to undo gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan and to fasten them again once he’d cocked his leg.”

Her complaint continued, “Erchie’s stalwart companion is recognisable by his eye patch and a missing ear. Wrongly evicted from the Kennel Club, electrocuted by peeing on the toaster, and brain damaged by the flying hoof of an epileptic heifer, he was also mistakenly neutered by Murdina the Butcher when he ventured to collect Erchie’s pound of tripe. The dog suffers from flatulance, a dander allergy and severe Felinophobia. But, still he answers to “Lucky”.”

“It seems to me that Lucky would fit in seamlessly into the Dung Flinger’s Games, especially in a community within which one member has lost his marbles, another his leg and a third its lug.”

Máiréad challenges an unfair and exclusive bias towards sheep on the island, saying, “We need to address the issue that if One Lug Doug, the prize-winning sheep, continues to rule the roost, basking in favouritism, then Erchie’s Lucky, the One Lug Dug, is being unfairly victimised. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that once these people learn of Lucky’s range of infirmities, they would all be jealous since they only have one each.”

Farquar Bogg said that, since the receipt of Máiréad’s complaint, others have followed. “We are still sifting through the mail,” says Farquar, “and the dilemma is growing more complex as I read.”

“In protest, Erchie MacPhee has stepped down as Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger's Games, until such time as Lucky is fully included. The 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games has, therefore, been temporarily postponed to an undecided date, later in the dung season. This has angered dung fans in the community, who are receiving the support of sheep owners. “Let’s get Lucky tonight!” the islanders are shouting to the sheep.”

Farquar concluded, “We need to hear from more dog owners, in support of Lucky, who feel their canines have been neglected, too.”



Photo courtesy of Clapdarnach Studios -

"A self-conscious Lucky wears his new cosmetic wig, specially designed to hide the missing ear."

HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT

"HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT" - A Collection of Memoirs from the Highland Island - compiled by host Torquil Mhor

Work has begun on an historical collection of stories and memories from the island.

If your name appears in the list below, you are cordially invited to SUBMIT to the site for inclusion, beginning with the very early years.

Woodworm Willie, Daft Uisdean, Farquar Bogg, Cyril Nosecone, Rev. Hellman Brimstone, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish, PC Hugh Dunnett, 'Magnus the Bobby' from the mainland, Jean at the Woolshop, Murdina the Butcher, Big Maggie Ann, Ruby Hazelnut, Scotaidh the Prawn Packer, Máiréad and Erchie MacPhee, Coinneach Crow, Dr. Drew Blood, Barbara Blacksheep, Winfrey Littleboy, The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862., The Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.

If your name does not appear, please submit your memoirs anyway and we’ll try to include them. Thanks to those who have already contributed.

At present, all work is unedited so in order to assist please do not drop litter, leave the seat up, or smoke in public areas.

See "MORE FROM TORQUIL HERE" on the left-hand column, for details.

Tribunal rules on "Barbara the imposter"

Yesterday the tribunal heard allegations of racial tensions at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm when Barbara Blacksheep claimed she was being unfairly victimised because of the colour of her wool.

Overnight, however, news was breaking to expect an early vote from the tribunal, so this morning I joined a gathering flock of cheviots to await a possible ruling on Barbara Blacksheep by the returning officer Winfrey Littleboy, who lives down the lane.

“Barbara Blacksheep, produced three bags full of evidence, when questioned about her wool. The Master and his Dame took possession of two bags and I have inspected the third bag. Our decision was unanimous – Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter and her case has been dismissed,” reported Winfrey Littleboy.

Overseas newspaper correspondents Maida Phibbs from “The Eigg Timer” and Liza White from "Benbecula Evening Ewes" asked, “What did the evidence tell you? How do you know that Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter?”

Winfrey Littleboy, with the help of PC Hugh Dunnett, produced a Shanks white enamel bathtub and PC Dunett proceeded to concoct one of his famous cucumber bubble baths. They coaxed Barbara Blacksheep into the bath.

A very sheepish Barbara was caught on camera, as her true colours were revealed.

Barbara has been referred to psychiatric services for a Baa-ckground check and a full report will be sent to Jean at the Woolshop.

Racial Discrimination - at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm!

The tribunal hearing on racial discrimination claims by Barbara Blacksheep begins today. Barbara, a 3 year old immigrant ewe from the mainland, alleges that, ever since she was herded off the Caledonian MacBrains ferry, she has been unfairly victimised because of her breeding.

“Now I don’t do no cussin’ ‘bout I’s farmer and his lady wife, no sir. Them is really grand island peoples to graze for. I’s as fond of them as I can be. I’s proud like I done raised some fine Sunday leg roasts for I’s master. Yessiree,” said Barbara.

“But, us overseas ewes can’t pick up they turnips and just chew them into which-a-way they wants them to be. No sir. I done tired of tellin’ em farm hands that I’s bred on collard greens ‘n corn,” she said.

Barbara was growing visibly upset. “Course I still eats em but I tells you, Mister, I don’t know how long I going to be able to keep on at this here farm. Turnip’s hard and it done takes one long ass time to get through. However, that don’t bothers I none as much as the pushin’ and the shovin’ and the name callin’ by all em white ass hootchy-mama ewes.”

As the tribunal progresses throughout the week, we will be rejoining Barbara with exclusive reports on her alleged suffering at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm.

Quality Holiday Homes To Let

Welcome to "The Dòmhnall's" Quality Holiday Homes, at MacTrumpet Towers at The Ferry Terminal.

All our quality homes have sea view and are located in sheltered positions, protected from sea breezes by the bank to the west of the island dump.

Homes are rented on a self-catering basis for weekend or full week rentals.

Upgraded to high standards! Sleeps 2 - 26, with detatchable sheep pen. Goats welcome. Llamas must be house-trained.

As pictured, full laundry facilities with running water. New forest green high-technology waste-disposal unit, in the latest portable form. Washing can be done behind the privacy of a newly built wall. Portable wind-breaker, complete with new poles and tent pegs, is supplied for the privacy from poachers and farm vehicles aproaching from open fields to the side and rear.

The latest in hair salon accessories, pictured between the upright brown laundry and the forest green sanitation and waste-disposal unit, can be effectively used for hair-washing days.





En suite bathrooms available on request.




For reservations, availability and prices email Torquil at - highlandisland@verizon.net

Over 60s Seniors' Club - Dung Wrestling Competition

The Over 60's Seniors' Club are sending out an appeal for dung for their Dung Wrestling Competition to be held at the Dung Flingers' Games on May 6th, 2006. "As you can see, the pile is growing but, " says club secretary, Máiréad MacPhee, "we are hoping that this year people will dig deep into their pockets and donate lots more dung."

Máiréad's husband, Erchie MacPhee, has just been bestowed with the honor of being chosen as the Clan Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games. It has just been announced, too, that Jean at the Woolshop has finished designing and constructing the traditional knitted underpants to be worn by the Chieftain. We await confirmation yet but it is rumoured that Erchie's underpants will be made of olive green Sirdar double knitting, but with the unusual addition of gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan. Reportedly, Jean used a size 10 needle for the knitting.

The programme of events for the 2006 games is as follows –

10 am – Opening speech by the Clan Chieftain of the Games followed by an unveiling of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games underpants, together with a demonstration.

10.30 – The Chieftain chooses his partner for round one of the dung wrestling.

10.45 – Round two of the dung wrestling is a Ladies' Choice, led by the Chieftain’s wife, Máiréad, to the music of the Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. Solos will feature Annie on her tuba and Bertha on the bassoon.

11.00 – Cyril Nosecone digs deep and buys a round of drinks for all at the bar.

12 noon – Award winning talk and demonstration by Jimmy Clog the plumber on “D.I.Y. Fashion Accessories for Your Home Septic Tank.”

12.30 – The Clapdarnach Association hold their Craft Fair in the Beer Tent. Entry forms for the dangleberry modeling competition can be obtained from myself, Torquil. Dried clapdarnachs can be bought on the day for use but contestants must bring their own sellotape, scissors, carving tools, string and paint.

2.00 – The Competitive Games continue in the field behind the Woolshop with Dried Turd Hurling, Bull Fart Lighting Competitions, and prizes for the largest bags of sheep droppings gathered over the day. Bags and entry forms can be obtained from myself, again.

3.00 – Judging of the face painting competition (paint supplied by the Dangleberry Cosmetic Company – made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.)

3.30 – Queue begins for sample tastings of the new 2006 Clapdarnach Beaujolais Nouveau (wine supplied by Clapdarnach Wineries - made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.

5.00 – The Dung Flingers' Ceilidh Ball begins.