Cyril Nosecone aims for new heights

Cyril, pictured right, has embarked on an intensive new flight training programme.

Local bird enthusiast, Fred Twitter, was on hand to photograph Cyril’s progress.

Good luck with the test flight, Cyril!

Tripod gets framed

Woodworm Willie has been concerned about his dog, Tripod, for some time now. “His eyesight is just not what it used to be,” says Willie.

My friend Willie scratched his stump and continued. “On the night that Tripod found Sponge Bath Square Bob’s hand, he should have known that the hand was still attached to Square Bob’s arm.”

I asked Willie what could be done and he replied, “I’ve taken Tripod to the vet mannie for a full eye sight evaluation.

Hamish the bearded clam diver was on hand to capture the intense mood with a few photos, as Tripod was being examined. A full report will be issued soon.

And the competition winner is ...

The boy who plays down at the hotel has won the competition to name Jean's new purple car. Jean has chosen to call her car "Smoke." (I hope this won't be an omen of things to come.)

Well done to the boy who plays down at the hotel. Your prize will be posted out to you within the next few days. So watch out for the pass-the-parcel delivery van.

Thanks to all other competitors, including Deirdre from Ardbroath. I hope she won't be too upset again at losing.

Help name Jean's car.

Tension remains high as we all await news in the case of the disappearing geriatrics.

In order to relieve pressure, Jean has asked a favour of everyone on the island. Can you help her to name her new car?

“As far as I can tell, the car is female,” said Jean, “but I am not exactly sure how to determine this. Maybe someone could help. The car is purple. It has two front seats and a back seat with four doors. The tyres are well kept, like new really, and it has a spare key, but the radio is missing.”

Jean adds, “Please do not tell Wullie Spanners about this purchase, as I did not buy my purple car in his garage and I hear he gets a little grumpy if people import cars from the mainland. But, it was such a lovely day for buying a car. Oh I do like buying a good car, so I do.”

So please can you offer suggestions as to an appropriate name for Jeans purple car. Meanwhile, feel free to ask her questions about her new vehicle.

You were right, Cyril!

It appears that Sponge Bath Square Bob's arm wasn't severed after all.

MYSTERIOUS DISSAPEARANCES - More Clues Found

At 5 pm last night, Woodworm Willie and his dog, Tripod, were taking a leisurely limp around the grounds of The Dangly Balls Geriatric Home when Tripod discovered what could be another clue in the case of the dissapearing geriatrics.

A severed hand, attached to a sponge, was found on the gravel driveway!

The hand, still warm, and the sponge, still soapy, are thought to belong to hygeine specialist and charge nurse, Sponge Bath Square Bob. However, to our knowledge, Sponge Bath Square Bob has not yet reported a missing hand.

When asked to quote on the mysterious dissapearances and the additional find of a severed hand, PC Hugh Dunnett would only say, "this one is a real nail biter."

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH*

*FURTHER NEWS FLASH* - Reports are surfacing from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home that old Malcolm and his ventriloquist dummy, Mabel, vanished into thin air with just 3 minutes and 21 seconds left of hygiene hour. Malcolm and Mabel were last seen entering the Hygiene Room, wearing British Airways inflatable life vests and carrying regulation size sponges.

Fred Twitters captured this shot from inside of the Hygiene Room and Bath House at the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home.

*URGENT NEWS FLASH*

*URGENT NEWS FLASH* Two more people have vanished from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home - the twins Morag Ness and Agnes More vanished during hygiene hour again. Charge Nurse Sponge Bath Square Bob is now being questioned by PC Hugh Dunnett.

Earlier today, Fred Twitters took some photographs of the outside of the Hygiene Room and Bath house.

Swarfega Steak Out!

Photographer, Fred Twitters, was practicing with his zoom lens when he captured this shot.

Local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, waits down at the pier, hoping to catch his Swarfega thief.

Little does Spanners know but, following a tip off from the ladies of the church guild's knitting circle, Daft Uisdean has now relocated his stall.

To be continued...

Daft Uisdean needs help

Business entrepreneur, Daft Uisdean is selling empty crisp bags full of Swarfega to the tourists down at the ferry terminal. (Two quid for packets of Cheese and Onion and two fifty for Prawn Cocktail.)

He has set up a table, with a clean floral table cloth, and all the crisp bags are in neat rows. However, business is not what he expected. For some reason, the tourists are not keen to buy. He's baffled!

Uisdean thought that sales would pick up if maybe he had a catchy logo that he could write on a sign. He is busy practicing his joined up writing but needs help to think up an appropriate logo or catch phrase.

Can you help? (Send your entry in the comments section below.)

Have you seen Padraig Post?

Sponge Bath Square Bob, male Charge Nurse from the Dangly Balls Geriatric Home, has reported that during 'hygiene hour' one of the elderly residents went missing.

Please be on the look out, check your outhouses, for Padraig Post (ex postman). When last seen, Padraig was wearing a Hessian mailbag, Gimli helmet, flip flips (that's two lefts from a pair of flip flops), and wielding a soap on a rope.

E-mail Sponge Bath Square Bob, in the comments section below, if you have any information to share about Padraig Post.

Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Daft Uisdean has discovered gold!

The worth of Daft Uisdean's shed has elevated far beyond normal normal property values, as it now sits directly beneath the end of the rainbow. Uisdean can be seen daily, lugging out enormous golden pots from the inside of the premises.

A recent sale agreement, where Daft Uisdean was preparing to hand over the property to Cyril Nosecone, has now been cancelled and the boy is delighted. Rubbing his hands together in Swarfega, Daft Uisdean said, "It's mine again. The shed is all mine."

A spokesperson on behalf of Sydney Devine reports that Sydney is now offering his services to be abducted in the shed again, but Daft Usidean has thumbed his nose to the proposal, "I'm not interested in Sydney any more. The boy that plays down at the hotel said I could sing duets with him, if I fixed the roof in the old ferry terminal building and made us a recording studio."

Photograph compliments of Fiona and her paintings.

Murdina stops for a smoke.

Murdina, at the butcher shop, has been swamped with work recently. She's trachled.














"Darn chickens are all sneezing," she said, "and those cows wi' the wobbly legs just will'nae stand still long enough for me to aim the rifle. I hit Woodworm Willie in his prosthesis yesterday. Aye, the bullet went straight through the wood, so it did, and rebounded off the chopping block, lodging itself in the pudding mix. Darned if I can find it anywhere. Been up to my elbow ever since. So, black pudding is on sale today."

Poor Murdina. She asks, "Any capable tradesmen out there who can bung the hole in Willie's stump?"

Judges regroup in secret to reconsider their decision.

Rumors were circulating around the island about a mysterious meeting last week of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition judges. The judges were seen, secretly gathering behind the old sheddie, down at the ferry terminal.

Fred Twitter, of the local ornithology group, was observing Canadian geese from the local bird hide when he captured this shot through his telephoto lens, showing one of the judges hiding behind the sheddie.
















News is now breaking that the judges of The Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition have reconsidered their original decision about the competition winner.

The winning entry had previously been announced as Fiona and her paintings, with their fabulous shot entitled “Homage to Gilbert and George,” but upon receiving new evidence, a first equal prize will now be awarded to Deirdre for her photograph “Short but Sweet”.

Big Maggie Ann, a spokesperson from the local gossip circle said, "Shhhh, didnae say I told you this, but Deirdre was blackmailing the committee of judges. Aye, she was, but didnae say you heard it from me. Okay?"

Meanwhile, due to the publication of Fred Twitter's photograph of the sheddie, local garage owner, Wullie Spanners, is being questioned by local building code inspectors. Spanners, who had recently been awarded a three figure sum for the contract of pannel beating and refurbishing the sheddie, had been paid in full by MacBrains Ferries for completion of his work. The quality of his pannel beating is now in question.

Our representative from the local gossip circle, Big Maggie Ann, said, "Dinnae trust thon Spanners bloke. He disnae do the work. He pockets the money and sends Daft Uisdean oot wi a hammer and six nails. Look! Oor Sheddie's falling doon! But, Shhh, dinnae say it wus me who said it."

News from the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, Est 1862

Great news!

Annie, of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862, recently secured funding from the Crofters' Commission to buy a new tuba.

She has sent us a photo of her wonderful new tuba, pictured left.

Annie says, "I have now managed to master middle C, an F# and a B flat. The rest of the notes will be found in time. I know they are in there somewhere. I just have to find them."

When asked what her first solo piece will be, with the fabulous new tuba, Annie answered, "Can you repeat the question?"

Well done Annie and her new new tuba!

AND THE WINNER IS --->>>

Fiona and her paintings have won "The Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with their entry - "Homage to Gilbert and George."

Well done Fiona and her paintings!

Your entry was chosen as the winner due to the artistic presentation of the natural flower arrangement of crocuses around your clapdarnachs. How beautifully presented, indeed!!! This is a true homage to Gilbert and George.

Your prize will be sent to you. Please allow 5 – 10 working days for delivery.

Thank you to all other contestants for your imaginative entries, especially Deirdre from Arbroath (who thought she had won.)

Iron age clapdarnach found!

We have just received the final entry for our competition.

' The boy that plays down at the hotel' has uncovered a genuine iron age clapdarnach and has submitted this spectacular photo of it as a competition entry for our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition".

Well done to the boy that plays down at the hotel and good luck with the competition.


All competition entries are currently being judged by our panel of experts and a winning entry will be announced soon.

Hamish's under water clapdarnach

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver has submitted this giant clapdarnach photo. Must've been from a whale.

He says "Look at the size ah that! It's got tae be the worlds biggest Clamdarnach! What dae ah win? Ah've even been polishing it. Braw eh?"

Well done and good luck, Hamish!

"Hooters" - Frae Big Angus up the Brae

Big Angus frae up the Brae, sent us this photo called "Hooters" of some owl clapdarnachs.

He is very excited about our clapdarnach photo competition. Rubbing his hands together and licking his lips, Big Angus said that he is fond watching this particular pair of hooters outside of his window.

Good luck with your "Hooters", Big Angus.

Daft Uisdean enters the competition

Daft Uisdean entered our "Prettiest Clapdarnach Competition" with this image. He calls the photo "Skinny Malinky - Part One".

"Skinny Malinky - Part Two" is still stuck to the sole of his shoe.

Good luck with the competition, Daft Uisdean! Meanwhile, try using the power hose down at Spanners' garage for your shoe.

'After the Rain' by Farquar Bogg

Farquar Bogg, of the Department of Santitiation, Agriculture and Rumba Dancing has given me this photo to put forward to our 'Prettiest Clapdarnach Photo Competition'.

His portrait is called, "After the Rain".

Good luck Farquar Bogg!

Clapdarnach Photo by Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth)

Big Maggie Ann (and her tooth) have sent this photo to be entred into the competition. The photo is called "Juicy Fruit" and Maggie assures us it was still steaming when snapped.

"Note its glint, as the sunlight catches the top of it," she says.

Good luck Big Maggie Ann!

Artistic competition entry from Fiona and her paintings

Fiona and her paintings have sent me this fabulous entry to "The Prettiest Clapdarnach" photo competition, entitled "Homage to Gilbert and George."

As you can see, "Homage to Gilbert and George" is set amidst some early spring crocus flowers, a perfect setting for this gem.

Good luck Fiona and her paintings!

Wullie Spanners' captures a wonderful trio of clapdarnachs

Wullie Spanners' photo is entitled "Happy Trails".

"I like the evenly spaced arrangement here," said Jean.

Good luck Wullie! Here's hoping this shot wins you many happy trails, too.

Competition entry from Old Bagpuss

Old Bagpuss has submitted this artistic shot entitled "Silent Footstep". He says, "The "Silent Footstep" illustrates the obvious advantage of cats over dogs."

Good luck Old Bagpuss!

Some entries from Cyril Nosecone and Deirdre from Arbroath

Cyril and Deirdre submitted this fabulous 'untitled' clapdarnach photo to our competition. For the purpose of easy identification, Jean has given it the temporary title of "Short but Sweet".

Their second entry, which Jean has temporarily named "Light Southerly Breeze", is also a spledid shot.

Good luck, Cyril and Deirdre!

“The Prettiest Clapdarnach - Photo Contest”

We’re all a bitty depressed here on the island - not a single Happy New Year hangover left on the whole of the island.

Since Jean dismantled the woolshop and hauled it across to the mainland on the ferry, hand knitted underpants have been selling on eBay and the black market down by Spanners’ garage at grossly inflated prices that only the tourists can afford, as hand-knitted-underpant-enthusiasts fear a shortage of their favorite commodity. The mobile woolshop, run by Daft Uisdean, doesn’t sell a single ball of wool, just hundreds of tins of Swarfega.

Murdina’s sausage machine jammed when a goat skin entwined around a can of Carlsberg Special Brew causing a clog at the mincer head (Farquar Bogg from The Department of Agriculture, Sanitation and Rumba Dancing is coming over in whilie with the industrial hoover, though.)

The clutch is slipping on the new clapdarnach harvester that I hired from that Wullie Spanners, so production of clapdarnach incense cones have temporarily ground to a halt.

Lastly, Crawford Minty and Big Maggie Ann have moved into the big hoose and we’re no sure what is more frightening – the smile on Big Maggie Ann’s face, now that she’s edged her way into the big hoose, or the poltergeist up in the attic. All will be revealed soon.

So, aye, we’re all a bitty down in the dumps.

But, Wullie Spanners has promised to fix the clapdarnach harvester, which gave me an idea…

“The Prettiest Clapdarnach - Photo Contest”

I will be holding a competition to find the bonniest photo of a clapdarnach. Anyone wishing to participate should send me a photo of, or a link to a photo of, their potential prize-winning clapdarnach. (highlandisland@verizon.net )

The most imaginative clapdarnach photo will win some lucky person a day trip for two in Wullie Spanners’ new clapdarnach harvester (complete with new clutch).

Lovely Day Radio Show #4

Programme Number Four is ready!

Get it while it's hot, by clicking on the wee drop down box to the left.

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Lighthouse found!

"At last!" I hear you say. "We can finally stop all our groping in the dark."

Cyril Nosecone has just reported that the lighthouse is safe and well and was delivered down his chimney on Christmas morning.

He's now asking for volunteers to help with its relocation back to the rocky headland. So, once you have dispensed with your excesses of cooking whisky, turkey vindaloo and stale mince pies, could you all be washing behind your ears and lining up in a neat row down at the ferry terminal, complete with warm knitted underwear, shovels and plumb lines (we don't want any leaning lighthouses)?

In other words, once the Christmas overages are out, the pre-Christmas outages will be over, (and then we can say "over and out" to the coast guard mannie, who now insists that the lighthouse is still missing.)

NB - Applications are now being accepted again for light housekeeping duties.

Still Missing!

Wullie Spanners was out at the rock, where the lighthouse used to be, and has confirmed that there is definitely no lighthouse there.

(I hope you don't mind me using your photo, Wullie?)

As everyone knows, Wullie Spanners is a reputable second hand car salesman and, despite a few pending court cases, would never intensionally sell you a lemon, short change his customers, alter milometers, switch number plates and re-spray stolen vehicles, or possess a cooking whisky still in the shed behind the garage.

NEW CHRISTMAS LIGHT DISPLAY

Last night, at a special ceremony down by the ferry terminal, the Christmas light display was switched on by our special guest of honor, Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.

Once again, my friend Hans Neezenboompzadazen, from Amsterdam, has provided us with a stunning selection of lights in glowing red. We are most grateful to Hans for supplying the island with these Christmas lights at such a low cost.

Rev. Brimstone gave thanks and closed his prayer by saying that he hoped overseas tourists would feel welcomed by the addition of the large red sign hanging over the church hall, reading “Rood lichtdistrict’. (Hans informs us that this means “joy to mankind” in Dutch.)

The international appeal of our sign has already proven itself, as the Polish bridesmaids in our community are lured to stand beneath it every night. Acting as tour guides, our Polish ladies have been escorting visitors to the back of the church hall to appreciate it from the rear.

“Takings in the church collection plate have mysteriously escalated to extraordinary amounts, and this truly must be ‘a sign from above’,” said Rev. Brimstone.

Following the ceremony, the new disco ball was also switched on at The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, where Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson and the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers gave a stunning display of the YMCA song, choreographed by Daft Uisdean.

REGRETS from Jean

Hello there readers. It’s Jean here from the woolshop, again.

I would just like to explain my regrets to the Polish bridesmaids, why I was unable to fulfill their order for six dozen pairs of one-size-fits-all, crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants in Sirdar Double knitting, racy green, fashioned with a number 10 knitting needle.

If I were to accept the job to make all these crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants, I would be doing a great disservice to Agnes Joy at the laundry, whose livelihood depends on scrubbing gussets.

It has been explained to me in no uncertain terms that if substantial quantities of gussets were to suddenly drop, then Agnes Joy’s services would no longer be required.

I do hope the Polish ladies understand.

Regards

Jean

Jean's tip for the flu season

Don’t wait until it’s a week old. At first sign of your wee cold, check to see if you have a wee cough, too. If you have a week off, then that should help.

Questions for the "ladies".

Jean, at Lovely Day Radio, has been asked to set four questions for the ten remaining girls to answer in the competition to win the affections of our Bachelor, Crawford Minty.

We’re hoping, based on their answers, this will help Mr. Minty decide who he will pick to continue to the next round.

Here are the questions –

1. Bunty Minty is very possessive of her son, our Bachelor Crawford, so how would you ensure some romantic time alone with Crawford?

2. What is your favourite romantic song?

3. Mr. Minty has a ravenous appetite, so he does, so how would you satisfy his midnight cravings?

4. How many crofters does it take to steal a lighthouse?

Please, can the girls reply to these questions in the comments section so that Mr. Minty can get a better insight into his lovely ladies' personailities?

Getting back to Minty...

Under strict supervision by his mother, Bunty, Crawford Minty chose the following ten contestants to progress to the next round of The Bachelor.

Agnes Joy
Barbara
Florrie
Gertie
Hazel
Helga
Jessie Mary
Lilian
Nancy
Rachel

Moonbeam and Winifred have been eliminated.

We now eagerly await Minty’s second choice. Details of the next two beauties to be eliminated will follow soon.



...back to the missing lighthouse...

REWARD OFFERED!

Please help us find the lighthouse.

A handsome reward is being offered for the safe return of the missing lighthouse. Yes, donated goods and services are flooding in to increase the incentive.





- Woodworm Willie is donating a bag of brass handles and wiper blades for the new biodegradable Down Under IV Super Thrust Coffin.
- Murdina from the Butcher’s shop is donating 10 lb of her new recipe cinnamon and cream of herring sausages.
- I will be donating 2 boxes of the popular lamb and mint clapdarnach incense cones.
- Jean at the woolshop has offered her knitting services to make a pair of made-to-measure underpants in Sirdar racing green double knitting wool.
- Wullie Spanners has agreed to throw in a set of spark plugs and a right door and wing for a Ford Anglia.
- Lovely Day Radio will make and air one commercial business advert, with the aid of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862.

PC Hugh Dunnett has followed a number of promising leads but, so far, nothing has come to light.

Daft Uisdean, thinking he could claim the reward, dragged an ‘out’house up to the police station, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Legge who was still inside powdering her nose. Also, various barber poles have been submitted for inspection but, although all were the right colour combination, PC Hugh Dunnett eventually decided that each were too short and too skinny to be a lighthouse.

The Coastguard mannie is currently ‘helping with enquiries’ down at the Police station, Hamish the bearded clam diver is dredging the harbour for signs of any submerged lighthouses, Crawford Minty continues to floss his teeth in preparation for the next round of The Bachelor, and Cyril Nosecone is performing inland sweeps in his plane “"The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," in case the lighthouse wandered ashore.

Stay vigilant and help us in our search.

Flash cards are available, as teaching aids, for anyone who is still unsure how to identify a blinking light.

DAFT UISDEAN IN TROUBLE AGAIN!

Daft Uisdean is being questioned at the local police station, by PC Hugh Dunnett, over some alleged fraudulent transactions. It is expected that Daft Uisdean will be told to go and stand in the corner of the police cell for misleading the public over his new business venture – a Self Amusement Park.

PC Hugh Dunnett was called to the scene of a large and impatient queue, waiting at the gate to Jessie MacTavish’s field. The crowd complained that they were growing tired of amusing themselves in a queue outside a gate, leading to an empty field. Meanwhile, Daft Uisdean had fleeced five quid per person to stand in the queue to his self amusement park.

It is hoped that a long stand in the corner of the police cell will lessen Daft Uisdean’s own self amusement over the matter, but he has since found some belly button fluff and a loose thread in his hand-knitted green underpants to play with and is frustratingly content.

Daft Uisdean, who is a part-time sound engineer for Lovely Day Radio, is also being questioned over an incident that occurred recently during his employment as apprentice at Wullie Spanners' garage. When asked to polish the windows of the prized Meinisters Standard Vanguard, recently repainted by Wullie’s technicians, Daft Uisdean began searching for the newspaper and vinegar and inadvertently destroyed Wullie’s valuable collection of early edition Playboy magazines. A tearful Wullie Spanners said that his early edition centerfold of Barbara Woodhouse was completed ruined, as he scraped her acidic left thigh from the rear window of his Meinsters Standard Vanguard.

Questions are also being raised as to whether Daft Uisdean’s attempts to flush away the evidence of Wullie’s ruined Playboy magazines, was also responsible for Wullie’s recent septic tank back up. Daft Uisdean is therefore being asked to contribute to the cost of Wullie’s best boiler suit being sent to the cleaners.

Agnes Joy, who is responsible for scrubbing gussets down at the laundry, informs us that Wullie Spanners' boilersuit is nearly dry now, though, and once she has pressed it she will pop it over to him on the back of her bicycle.

NEWS BULLETIN - Cat Fight Breaks Out Over Minty Bachelor

PC Hugh Dunnett was called upon to break up a cat fight between the twelve contestants of The Bachelor competition. Reinforcements were summonsed from the mainland, by carrier crow, but not only was Magnus’ back tyre flat on his police bike again, but he was nowhere to be found. The cat fight was, consequently, left for the island’s solitary policeman, PC Hugh Dunnett, to defuse single-handedly.

A spokes person from the hospital on the mainland said that injuries were not considered life threatening -- PC Hugh Dunnett has two black eyes; Barbara was treated for a further puncture; Florrie, for a broken middle finger; Agnes Joy’s gussets were in a twist; while, meantime, Lilian had eaten the pop up version of the Kama Sutra. Other injuries include bruises, asphyxiation, and cracked ribs when Helga and Gertie sat on some of their fellow contestants.

Winnifred and Moonbeam have been held for further questioning, under the Terrorism Act 2000, and Nancy gave a statement to say that she has hired the services of eight twirling dervishes whose spinning, she claims, will throw the earth off its axis unless Kevin Spacey agrees to her alimony payments. PC Hugh Dunnett said there was also something extremely fishy about Jessie Mary.

It is claimed, however, that it was Big Maggie Ann that threw the first punch, puncturing Barbara with her tooth, in a fit of competitive jealousy over her beau, Crawford Minty. “Minty is mine!” she shouted, as she leapt into the midst of the preening dainty dozen.

THE "LADIES"

1 - Agnes Joy -

Gets up every morning at quarter to five to scrub gussets down at the village laundry. Works sixteen hours a day but not on the sabbath. Enjoys nothing, as life is all about suffering and toil, just as the good Lord would want it. Any prospective husband will have his own separate bedroom and should keep his hands to himself if he knows what's good for him.

2. - Barbara -

Found in the back of Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver's trusty wee dive van. Several punctures.

3. - Florrie -

Former head of tourism for the island. Has since retired and spends her days writing letters of complaint to the community papers, spreading rumours and gossip and tutting at the youth of today. Would like a man who shuts up and does as he's told just like her Albert used to before he ran off with that floozy (who's been with sailors and all sorts).

4. - Gertie -

Former president of the Island's Weight Watchers club who was impeached after being caught embezzling funds. Now runs a very successful business with her own specialist website for men who wear dirty raincoats and live with their mothers.

5. - Hazel -

Hazel: Former mascot of 45 Commando Royal Marines. Got used to the four meals a day (with snacks in between) but got bored of the rigourous exercise. Has seen action is several war-zones and quite a few officer's parties.

6. - Helga -

Won bronze in the Shot Put for East Germany in the late 1980's. However reunification resulted in the withdrawal of her supply of cow hormones and nature hasn't been kind. Can still (almost) fit in to her old sporting gear and can bench press 380lb. Recently won Island Sporting Celebrity of the year for taking on Uilleam's Bull - Spanky.

7. - Jessie Mary -

Excellent cook - meal on the table when you get home, enjoys cleaning, has her own house and car. Saved a good wee penny away from her years of working at the fish market - enough to keep two going into retirement. Has a fine selection of malt whiskeys and seven acres of fertile land. But you'll get used to the smell. Honest you will, it will grow on you. Flies are lucky.

8. - Lilian -

Most educated sheep after digesting a total of 58 books from the Mobile Library van. Disaster nearly struck, though, when she choked on a Geoffrey Archer novel. Luckily, Old Angus From Up the Brae was at hand to give her the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Indeed he did it so hard that his belt must have broken with the effort. PC Dunnet dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.

9. - Moon Beam -

Has the biggest collection of guns and knives on the island. Is keen to meet a new man after her last two died in mysterious circumstances. Preferably wants a man with pipebomb making experience who is keen on bringing down the fascist global corporations and ushering in a new era of socialist brotherhood.

10. - Nancy -

Covergirl for Farmers Weekly and former Miss Wales. Recently divorced from her husband, the actor Kevin Spacey, Nancy has also won the Nobel Prize for Physics due to her work on discovering the Higgs Boson and is to be the first sheep in space due to an agreement with the Russian Space Agency. She telepathically communicates with the spirits of Elvis and the Marquis De Sade and once made the Statue of Liberty disappear. World leaders regularly call her for advice on her bright red telephone and she has a bust of Lenin on her desk which conceals a button that opens the door to her underground Bat-Cave. Nancy is currently on a course of medication to halt her obsessive lying.

11. - Rachel -

Heiress of the multi-millionaire who owns the distillery on the north side of the island. Just got kicked out of her strict Catholic boarding school and is keen to find out about life. Enjoys Gymnastics and Yoga and really wants to spend time with a man who likes to watch football while drinking beer and scratching himself. Hates men who leave the toilet seat down.

12. - Winnifred -

Just an ordinary sheep who likes doing sheep things like not playing fetch or eating Pedigree Chum. Does not like burying bones or peeing on lamposts but definitely likes grass and going Baaaa! Has never done anything to Reverend Brimestone's leg. Not recently. Just a perfectly ordinary sheep.

Now, aren't the "Ladies" just lovely?

We'll be getting Crawford to let two of them go in the Carlsburg ceremony each week, until the finals, which will be broadcast live on the Lovely Day Radio Christmas Show.

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet replies

Hamish has decided to deal with Big Angus Frae Up the Brae's question as a matter of urgency. He tells me that he will only be keeping the non-urgent questions for hig spot on Lovely Day Radio. So, over to Hamish now...

From Hamish, the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet:

Hello there, I have to apologise for nae replying sooner but ah've been busy with the diving and ah lost a few days after the Highland Island Entertainment Cooncil meeting. Last thing ah remember was drinking that big drum of home brew, well ah thought it was home brew but apparently it was home made tractor fuel for the up and coming tractor races. Braw eh?

Where was ah? Oh yeah - Big Angus Fae Up The Brae. Ah've examined yer cock quite thoroughly and ah can happily say that ah've come tae a diagnosis. Now mah Ladybird Pocket Guide tae Veterinary Surgery says that ah have tae be sensitive but not beat around the bush. So here goes, eh:

HE'S DEED YAH DAFT OLD CODGER! Look at him! He stinks like the gents toilets doon at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall! Man, ah've never smelled nutthin like it; he's got maggots and slime dribbling out of him. Ah tried tae flush him doon the lavvy but he got stuck and ah had tae bash him a bit with the toilet brush. In the end ah took him oot the back and burned him wi some o that tractor fuel.

Sorry for yer loss, eh. Ah'll send ye the ashes along with ma bill.
Braw.

--------------------

Yes, a very prompt reply from Hamish, and dealt with in a very sensitive manner, too. We are all looking forward to hearing more from Hamish on our resident vet spot on Lovely Day Radio, so we are.

BIG-ANGUS-UP-THE-BRAE - has a question for the vet

Hello again, lovely readers.

Today we got an email from 'Big-Angus-up-the-Brae'.

I thought you might want to read his email and ponder over its content, until our resident vet on Lovely Day Radio gets around to answering Big-Angus-up-the-Brae's problem.

---



"Hullo there Jean, It's Big Angus from up the Brae.

I've got your eggs for you, I'll chust get my usual payment later. I was just wondering if I could have a word with Hamish, so I was.

It's a wee bitty personal so it is but I know that you're discreet with these things.

I'm sure you've noticed that the eggs from my farm haven't been up to their usual standard, so they haven't. I think this may be because of the problems I've had with Trevor - my cock.

I'm sure all the ladies from the Knitting Guild remember him, especially after last year's talent show where I got him out for all to see. Poor old Elsbeth nearly had a dizzy turn...she said she hadn't seen such a big cock since the war, so she didn't.

Anyway, Big Maggie-Anne came round for her weekly visit and I went to get Trevor but disaster struck. Normally she gets very excited when I come through holding my cock but that day it was chust hanging there limp and lifeless. I was so ashamed. It had never happened to me before. Big Maggie-Anne tried her best to revive him, giving him a good rub and even tried a bit of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but to no avail.

I'm so dreadfully embarrassed over this. I was going to take him round to the primary school and show him to the children again but PC Dunnett advised me not to.

I'm sure that you'll come to a conclusion and tell me how I can get Trevor back to his former glory. It feels strange not waking up with him standing there proudly.

I'll be on my way now, so I will. I need to get round to Willie's to pick up my cooking whisky. I hope to hear back soon."

---

Tragic tale, so it is. I'm sure we all look forward to hearing the remedy from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, on the next Lovely Day Radio show.

Thank you for your email, Big Angus Up The Brae.

THE BACHELOR

As you are aware, Crawford Minty will be “The Bachelor” in our upcoming competition. In (desperate) hope of finding a bride for Crawford, the Minty family, gentry from ‘The Big Hoose’, asked me to publish a photo of their suave and pedigreed son, posing in his more elegant years.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Daft Uisdean and Readers ...may we present to you

- The Bachelor -

Crawford Minty

Cyril Nosecone - the early flying years

Bunty Minty was sorting through her drawers today, now that she's got her antique furniture back, and she found this splendid photo of Cyril Nosecone taking his first flying lesson.

I forgot to ask Bunty but I'm wondering if that is her boy Crawford Minty lighting the jet engines at the rear, whilst Cyril prepares for take off.

Have you any comments about the photo, Cyril?

Lovely photo, Bunty dear. Thank you for that!

And speaking of photos, we'll soon be publishing details of our contestants in The Bachelor competition. Yes, images of the twelve lovely girls are ready now and a photo of Crawford Minty, too, with all his vital statistics. Stay tuned!

Highland Island Entertainment Council

Draft Minutes

Highland Island Entertainment Council and Knock Kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
November 14, 2006, Autumn Meeting

Members Present –

Chairman –
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department

Members-
Torquil Mor
Cyril Nosecone
Woodworm Willie
Rev. Hellman Brimstone
Daft Uisdean
Annie from The Glenpuddle & Munroe First Crofters Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnett
Dougal
Julio Fernando
Seamus the Slow Worm
The Ladies of the Church Guild
Maggie Ann MacPhee
Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver

Apologies –
Ruby Hazelnut
Dorcas Mor
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Crawford Minty
Bunty Minty
Julio Fernando’s mother
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers

Call to order -
Rev. Brimstone shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.02 pm.

Salute -
Board member Torquil Mor led with the first “Slainte mhoiz,” closely followed by “Break a Leg” from Woodworm Willie, while Annie played Amazing Grace on her trombone (we think).

Announcements –
Maggie Ann MacPhee made many obscene announcements during the course of the meeting and once again the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette Syndrome.

Chairman’s Report –
Farquar Bogg reported that since the last meeting in February, no progress had been made on anything. Cyril Nosecone’s balls still have not been held. Ruby Hazelnut’s Dancing by Numbers Class lost count again. PC Hugh Dunnett has not solved any cases at the police station. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson has not learned any English. After 11 months and 6 days, and 6 gallons of concentrated prune juice, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish still has not given birth. Therefore, there would be no chairman’s report.

Business –
Maggie Ann shouted objections, before any business was discussed, so a bottle of Blue Nun was added to her medication.

Volunteers were requested to investigate the matter of the stolen antique furniture that was found recently in PC Hugh Dunnett’s crime detection van. Since volunteers were reluctant to interfere with the law, PC Dunnett offered to examine himself in public, exposing everything openly. Betty Morag of the Ladies’ Church Guild said that her friend, Lillian, had a stroke and asked why the other ladies were reluctant to offer support. She got everything off her chest, crying that it was all too much for Lillian on her own and asked for some extra hands. The Rev. Brimstone said that Betty Morag had touched him so much that he would definitely come. Meanwhile he would pray for the well-being of his member.

An email arrived from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, which said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood.

Julio Fernando asked if he could have a copy of the minutes translated into Spanish for his mother in Mexico City.

Big Maggie Ann’s outburst was struck from the record while a half bottle of cooking whisky was added to her IV line.

Torquil asked if anyone had seen the knock-kneed lurchers, but no one had seen them. A motion was carried forward. The committee tried to decide if it belonged to the knock kneed lurchers. Rover and Flossie, whose knees were the straightest, were blamed for the motion and the committee decided to seek training advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers.

Cyril Nosecone was asked to give a full report on the North Ronaldsay mail run for the next meeting.

Actions –
Maggie Ann has to keep taking her medicine.
Daft Uisdean has to change his underpants and pick the crust off his vest.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.
Julio Fernando will enroll his mother in an ESL (English as a Second Language) course.

Next meeting –
to be decided

Seamus the slow worm completes journey

There was a joyful reunion in Ullapool today when Daft Uisdean was reunited with Seamus, his pet slow worm. Seamus had set off on a sponsored walk from Helmsdale on August 1st 1998, to help Woodworm Willie raise money for the Legless Crofters' Association. After traveling for eight years and one hundred and four days, at 1.15pm today, Seamus the slow worm finally arrived in Ullapool, raising a grand total of eight pounds fifty two pence for the Legless Crofters. The Association has decided to buy a bottle of cooking whisky with the proceeds.

Well done to Seamus the slow worm.

New Resident Vet on Lovely Day Radio

Thank you to everyone who applied for the job as resident vet on The Lovely Day Radio Show. The position is now closed and after a long and arduous selection process, Jean has made her choice out of all the candidates.

Given his background in Marine Biology, it has been decided that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver will be allotted a regular feature as resident vet on Lovely Day Radio. Locals are invited to call in to the show, or send Hamish their animal related queries to highlandisland@verizon.net

We will keep all the other applications on file, should a similar job materialise in the future.

Well done Hamish! We look forward to your input.

The (Highland Island) Bachelor

Lovely Day Radio will soon be featuring the Highland Island's version of The Bachelor. Although we are still deciding on the identity of The Bachelor for our show, we have chosen twelve outstanding ladies that will be competing to win the affections of our lucky man.

Each week we shall have The Special Brew Ceremony where The Bachelor will give a tin of Carlsberg Special Brew to the ladies that he wishes to get to know better. The ladies without tins of Carlsberg Special Brew will be eliminated, until only one lady remains.

No expense will be spared to enable The Bachelor and his suitors to venture out on exotic dates. So keep watching for details of these exciting locations.

At the end of the show, The Bachelor will be presented with his own croft here on the island, where it is hoped that he and his chosen lady will live out their years together.

Regarding The Bachelor, we are still trying to decide between Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, Crawford Minty, or Woodworm Willie. Cyril and I have far too many commitments with Daft Uisdean.

So, as Hamish is still recovering from his sea rescue in northern Africa, and Woodworm Willie will be busy with his night classes, we were wondering if Crawford Minty would care to participate in our programme and be The Bachelor.

Can you please sign your name in the comments box below, Crawford, if you are willing to be The Bachelor here on The Highland Island Reality Show, and then I'll send you all the necessary paperwork?

NEWS FLASH!

NEWS FLASH!

Earlier today, a raft was located drifting off the North African coast. Its three weather-beaten occupants have been transferred to the Spanish fishing vessel, El Pescador Loco.

By 6 pm, Jean at the woolshop received a ship-to-shore call from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver to confirm that the three survivors were indeed himself, Magnus and Besinia.

More news from Hamish soon…

Woodworm Willie's Night Classes

Since the dark nights have drawn in, Woodworm Willie will be starting his night classes in the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall again. You can register for the classes tomorrow morning between 10 am – 12 noon at The Woolshop down by the ferry terminal. Sessions run for twelve weeks and a list of classes is given below.

Tuesday night 7-9pm – Tap dancing – Shoes will not be provided. You must bring your own, as Willie only has left foot size elevens.

Wednesday night 7-9 pm – Introduction to Poaching – Nets and transport are included in class enrollment fee but explosives are extra. Bring a torch and quiet wellies.

Thursday night 7-9 pm – D.I.Y. Embalming – Hurry! Due to the oncoming flu season this popular class will book up quickly - only 6 places available. Bring rubber gloves and a close acquaintance.

You will also be able to enroll, or ask questions, in the comments section below. Hurry, now!

Don't be shy

Daft Uisdean has a habit of lurking behind the blog. He has a wee peep hole at the back of the screen that he uses to watch you as you are reading.

(What's that Daft Uisdean? No, I won't tell that woman to stop picking her nose.)

I know. I know. Letting him watch you IS very disturbing, but I assure you he hasn't taken off his underpants once since we stitched them to his vest, so there is no danger of him suddenly mooning at you.

He tells me that there are a lot of new readers to the blog, though, so I'd just like to say "Welcome!" Pull up a seat and feel free to enter a comment whenever you feel creative. Anything goes, provided you wash your hands afterwards, and all comments are VERY welcome.

Now some of you have been asking Daft Uisdean (those of you who have had enough cooking whisky and can see him) why I have returned to moderating the site, instead of letting you post willy nilly all by your good selves.

No, it's not because people are posting obscenities. Simply, I wasn't noticing all your comments, so moderating allows me to see when you post something. That way you can be sure of a reply.

You see I can't be relying on Daft Uisdean to tell me everything. Between you and I, shh, he tells me lies about you.

I know. I know. It's very disturbing, but provided I let him continue to watch you through his peep hole, it stops him flashing his underpants to the tourists down at the ferry terminal.

So, if this is your first visit here, come in and have a seat. Would you be wanting a wee snortach of my cooking whisky?

Just “say when” in the comment box.

IQ test.

Since there's a full moon looming around the corner, Jean and Daft Uisdean thought that some of you might be inspired to put your creative talents to use.

------------------------------------------------

IQ TEST -

If you wish to audition for a part as one of the Three Wise Men in the Ladies Church Guild nativity play, please complete the following IQ test.


In the comments section below - Submit a suitable lyric so that the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters Brass Ensemble, est 1862, can compose a new Christmas carol.

Yes, the winning entry will not only ensure that you get through to the finals of the auditions for a part as one of The Three Wise Men but the chosen lyric will be given a wonderful accompanying melody, composed by Annie.

The new Christmas carol will then be sung and played live on Lovely Day Radio.

News from the island -

Murdina at the butcher’s shop has been conducting stem cell research and has grown some livers. She informs me that it tastes lovely, fried with onions and a bit of bacon. The price will be 3.50 a pound for locals and 6.50 for tourists.

Woodworm Willie has now had the hearse serviced for the upcoming flu season. He’s hoping for a good winter because he’s saving for a timeshare caravan at John O’Groats.

The Reverent Hellman Brimstone is currently having his organ serviced.

We’re awaiting confirmation that a raft has been spotted, drifting into the Bay of Biscay. As LDR (Lovely Day Radio) listeners know, we are still searching for Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, Magnus and his new bride Besinia. Their boat sank out in the Minch last week and it is thought they managed to board an abandoned raft on a south bound tidal flow.

The Clapdarnach Group of Companies has now got the first batch of Christmas Clapdarnachs packaged for sale. This year we are experimenting with clapdarnachs from deer as well as from sheep. Special deer vindaloo, produced by Ravi Sing’s Asian Restaurant, has allowed us to produce beautiful yellow and orange colours in our deer clapdarnachs to accompany the lovely mint sauce green found in the lamb clapdarnachs.

The Ladies of the Church Guild are currently holding auditions for parts in the upcoming nativity play. They are still having difficulty finding suitable people to play the part of the three wise men. An IQ test will be posted in the next blog entry for all applicants.

"It"

“It” has been driving me crazy for years now. Yes, I woke up this morning depressed about “it” again, so I’m finally going to do something about “it.”

You see ever since school I’ve been “it.” I was tagged just before the bell rang on the last day of school in primary six. After the summer, when I joined primary seven, the headmaster told us we were a bunch of rowdy tattiebogles, “Enough of your running about,” he said. “Walk, don’t run.” And, so that was “it.” I was doomed to be left in a state of “it” for ever more.

I’ve since dragged my feet through life, chin on my chest, wondering what to do about “it.” The older and taller I grew, the harder "it" became to get rid of “it.’

So, after another restless night, I came to a decision. If you are still reading this, then…

Tag! You’re “it!”

(Whew, that feels like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.)

PROGRAMME THREE is ready!

"At last!" I hear you say, "Where have you been Torquil?"

Yes, I know I've been gone for a very long time but I was busy helping Jean and Daft Uisdean with the Lovely Day Radio show and some other things, too, so let me tell you what else I've been up to...

I now have a page on MySpace

But, the main reason I popped in to talk to you is to tell you that another Radio show is ready for you -

So, Lovely Day Radio Programme Three, is now ready here!

Now I'll be back in a bitty, as I've just got to soak my bunion in a basin of epsom salts. I promise I won't be gone long this time.

No! No! No!

No Cyril, don't be dirty! That's not how new planes are made!

Warning - Giant Shredder on the Loose!

Between 6 pm last night and 6 am this morning, a giant shredder escaped from the paper recycling plant down at the ferry terminal. A prominent Islander, Woodworm Willie, said he had just uncorked his second bottle of cooking whisky when he saw the shredder enter Cyril's aircraft hanger.

The public are being warned not to approach the shredder. Remove all white clothing, that could be mistaken for paper, and all brand name logos that resemble letter headings and call PC Hugh Dunnett at the local station.

Police reinforcements are due to arrive from the mainland. As soon as Magnus the Bobby has pumped up the back tyre on his bicycle, he'll be catching the next ferry.

Do you think you can salvage your plane, Cyril? Such a great pity, as your plane, "The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," looked so good with her new wings and fresh paint.

Buy Daft Uisdean's house.

Daft Uisdean, eager to profit from highly inflated house values in the Highlands, is selling his house "The Bare Butt n' Ben."

He states, "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to purchase a cottage with character. Decorated to high standards throughout, this charming one-room abode is steeped in history. The interior walls are adorned with newspapers dating as far back as 1976 and, of course, Sydney Devine personally signed the inside window pane during his 1984 Island Tour. It says, “Get Help! Sydney Devine is being held captive in here." I let him go after a few weeks, though.”

He added, “Garden extends to .007 acres. Offers over 100,000.”

Cyril's Been Grounded!

Cyril has been busy, working on his plane. He thought you might want to see his progress. When I asked him if he needed a hand, he said, “I'm missing a few wings, bit like Paul McCartney I suppose.”

If any one knows where Cyril could buy a set of wings, could they let him know in the comments section below? I think he’d be most grateful.

She's a right bonnie wee plane, right enough. Does she have a name, Cyril?

I think that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver is a dab hand with planes. My bet is that he'd be able to help you Cyril. Are you there, Hamish?

Phantom Sheep Crutchers Strike Again!

Yes, I know…it has been a long time since I posted. I was too angry.

Woodworm Willie and myself were preparing to harvest a good crop of early autumn clapdarnachs. (They were plump as the purple plums in Jean’s garden, so they were.)

We sat upon the dry stone dyke, to partake of a small drop of cooking whisky, each choosing our favorite sheep. “I’ll get the clapdarnachs from Deirdre today, Torquil,” said Willie. “We have a good rapport going since she lost her leg.” He also selected Morag, Beverly, Lucious Linda, Moses, and the twins Annie and Fanny. As usual, that left me with Hilda Halitosis, Bucking Bertha, Bridget, Barbara, Camel Toes, Bandy Johanna, and yon big brute with the teeth, Caroline.

One dram led to another and then Willie fell off the dyke. Neither of us was fit for any harvesting.

When we sobered up, ten days later, Willie shouted from the dyke, “Torquil, come quick!” in an urgent voice, meaning either we’d run out of whisky or the septic tank was overflowing again. I ran as fast as I could.

When I saw the girls, naked, I knew that the phantom sheep crutchers had been at work again. We lost a whole season’s worth of clapdarnachs to that wicked band of shavers.

PC Hugh Dunnett has set up the mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal where there will be a mandatory inspection of all electric razors. Magnus, the bobby from the mainland, will be bringing his forensic DNA kit, once he pumps up the back tire on his bicycle and catches the next ferry over.

Meanwhile, we’ve had to postpone the release of the next Lovely Day Radio Show until Jean knits some woolen underpants for the sheep.

Interview in Progress

Jean is currently interviewing for the post of 'resident vet' for the Lovely Day Radio show. The successful vet will be called upon to answer questions and address concerns from both the local farming communities and from local pet owners on the island.

There is still time to apply, if you feel you are qualified for the job. Here are the interview questions. Submit your answers below, in ‘Comments,’ to apply for the position.

1) What are the main two differences between a billy goat and a bantam hen?
2) If your sheep's clapdarnachs suddenly turned orange, what would your diagnosis be?
3) If your pig was bulimic, how would you fatten her up for Christmas?
4) If Daisy the Dairy Cow asked for advice on udder implants, what would you recommend?

Get it while it's hot - Programme Two is here!!

It's ready folks. Come and get it!

Programme Two of Lovely Day Radio can now be downloaded to your ears.

Running Time = 34.09 mins

File size = 27.3 MB

Drum roll please.......




Tune in here --->

http://www.switchpod.com/users/highlandisland/LovelyDayRadio_Prog_2.mp3

Enjoy the show and don't forget to send your comments to Jean. She loves to hear from all her listeners.

Prophecy of The Daft Drooling Child

While we’re waiting for the radio show to begin, I thought you might like to see some more of Coinneach Crows predictions. Here is a transcript of Coinneach’s speech, down at the ferry terminal this morning. As usual, Coinneach fixed his gaze onto the horizon line, his pupils glazed over and the trance began.

“Caw! Caw! Coinneach Crow is a wise crow. He must never be doubted. Coinneach smells a daft, drooling child with webbed fingers and toes. The boy is on a quest, as he seeks his true father. His search will uncover a revolution never before witnessed on this island or any other land. Caw! Hear my words, the revolution will bring many men to this island, flocking from near and far away lands. Men will come singing rejoicing, arm in arm and hand in hand. I see conflict with the church, much resistance as truths are questioned. Meanwhile, the daft miracle shall be walking among us like a king. Beware, though, of many ferries arriving at this terminal. You must find a way to control the miracle or risk changes that might destroy this community as we see it now. Caw! Coinneach Crow has spoken.”

Surely, "the daft drooling child" can be none other than our own Daft Uisdean!

"Hurry up, Daft Uisdean."

Loud chanting can be heard down at the ferry terminal. You can hear it in the woods, on hill tops, in septic tanks, and in the church, too. The echo of chanting even resounds through Murdina's sausage machine, as she sweats to meet demand for the latest recipe in her new range of sausage links - clam and hog's head cheese with mint and licorice seasoning. They're chanting, "Hurry Up Daft Uisdean."

Uisdean, under terrible pressure now, is being urged to complete the editing process on the second show of Lovely Day Radio. According to Jean, the show is nearly ready to broadcast. "It should be ready within the next two days now. We have another wonderful performance from The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofter's Brass Ensemble, Est. 1862, lots of great music and features and a live interview with Hamish the bearded clam diver." She asks for "a wee bitty more patience". I couldn't help feeling that Jean was looking especially nervous, though.

Meanwhile, down at the ferry terminal, local gossip is circulating that the delay and editing problems has something to do with Woodworm Willie. The word "blackmail" was used several times. Why would Woodworm Willie be blackmailing Jean and Daft Uisdean of Lovely Day Radio, and what are the terms of his demands?

"Take that!" said Willie, to the pin-poker

Dear Readers and Listeners,

"I think there's someone practicing voodoo on the island," said Jean, when I talked to her after church yesterday. "I keep getting these prickles all over me, so I do, and I'm having awful bad luck with meeting deadlines for the radio show."

When I asked her what sort of prickle she was feeling these days, Jean said, "It's hard to explain. First I feel an "ouch," followed by an "oooo" and then it sort of goes "goodness gracious me" and it ends up with me saying "I think I'll be putting a wee bitty less Dandelion and Burdock into my cooking whisky tonight," and Jean finally admitted, "then I get myself a wee bitty of a hang-over in the morning, so I do."

I asked Jean why she thought her feeling prickles was due to someone practicing voodoo, and she said, "Because I found this stuffed rag doll down at the ferry terminal, covered in safety pins."

P.C. Hugh Dunnett, Woodworm Willie and myself were on the case straight away. We applied to the northern constabulary on the mainland for a grant and opened a mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal (compliments of Sammy's Porta-Potties Ltd.) and we placed the stuffed rag doll, with the safety pins still inserted, outside as bait. Hugh, Willie and myself then sat inside the incident room, waiting for an incident. (Willie had drilled some peep holes in the side wall of the incident room, just like he does in the joke coffins on his April 1st funerals.)

Well right enough, we saw someone saunter along the jetty holding a fresh box of safety pins.

On the count of three, Hugh, Willie and I pounced on the occultist. Hugh confiscated the pins and slapped on the cuffs, Willie slammed him on the head with a bottle of embalming fluid “Take that!” and I took a photo, for crime scene evidence.

Well, it was none other than Daft Uisdean, looking for his rag doll, Boo.

“Where’s my Boo?” said the Daft boy.
“Boo Who?” said P.C. Dunnett.

We’d never seen a grown policeman cry before, but when Daft Uisdean told him that Boo’s ear was falling off and when Uisdean explained how he’d used safety pins to keep Boo’s ear on, P.C. Dunnett cried, “How am I going to explain to the northern constabulary on the mainland that the funding for the incident room was all in vain?”

Meanwhile, Jean’s shingles are still in recovery, so, yet again, there will be a delay in the second radio show.

Yours truly

Torquil

P.S. Cyril, How can we stop your Daft Uisdean from feeding cheese to his computer mouse? Its 'all gunked up' and his mouse pad smells like his feet!

Message from Jean

The second show of Lovely Day Radio is coming along nicely but Jean has broken some finger nails while out at sea, hauling in her lobster creels. She really wants to look her best for the radio show, so there will be a short delay in the production, while Jean guzzles some jelly cubes, buys a new emery board and prepares her No. 23 "crimson swirl delight" varnish.

Other News -

The Fish Festival is underway here on the island. So, here are today's prize winners.

• Best fish joke - Daft Uisdean
• Best fish impersonation - Daft Uisdean
• Fishery protection prize - Daft Uisdean and his WWI canon
• Most body parts in a fish bowl - Daft Uisdean
• Leaping the waterfall - Daft Uisdean
• 2006 prize for bottom feeder choreography - Daft Uisdean
• HMS Titanic Prize for iceberg relocation - Daft Uisdean for moving most icebergs to the Nowegian fjords

News flash -

Our underwater correspondant, Sven Johansen, has just reported that Oslo is now completely underwater.

Lovely Day Radio, Programme 2, will be coming soon to your ears, so stay tuned.