Questions for the "ladies".

Jean, at Lovely Day Radio, has been asked to set four questions for the ten remaining girls to answer in the competition to win the affections of our Bachelor, Crawford Minty.

We’re hoping, based on their answers, this will help Mr. Minty decide who he will pick to continue to the next round.

Here are the questions –

1. Bunty Minty is very possessive of her son, our Bachelor Crawford, so how would you ensure some romantic time alone with Crawford?

2. What is your favourite romantic song?

3. Mr. Minty has a ravenous appetite, so he does, so how would you satisfy his midnight cravings?

4. How many crofters does it take to steal a lighthouse?

Please, can the girls reply to these questions in the comments section so that Mr. Minty can get a better insight into his lovely ladies' personailities?

Getting back to Minty...

Under strict supervision by his mother, Bunty, Crawford Minty chose the following ten contestants to progress to the next round of The Bachelor.

Agnes Joy
Barbara
Florrie
Gertie
Hazel
Helga
Jessie Mary
Lilian
Nancy
Rachel

Moonbeam and Winifred have been eliminated.

We now eagerly await Minty’s second choice. Details of the next two beauties to be eliminated will follow soon.



...back to the missing lighthouse...

REWARD OFFERED!

Please help us find the lighthouse.

A handsome reward is being offered for the safe return of the missing lighthouse. Yes, donated goods and services are flooding in to increase the incentive.





- Woodworm Willie is donating a bag of brass handles and wiper blades for the new biodegradable Down Under IV Super Thrust Coffin.
- Murdina from the Butcher’s shop is donating 10 lb of her new recipe cinnamon and cream of herring sausages.
- I will be donating 2 boxes of the popular lamb and mint clapdarnach incense cones.
- Jean at the woolshop has offered her knitting services to make a pair of made-to-measure underpants in Sirdar racing green double knitting wool.
- Wullie Spanners has agreed to throw in a set of spark plugs and a right door and wing for a Ford Anglia.
- Lovely Day Radio will make and air one commercial business advert, with the aid of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862.

PC Hugh Dunnett has followed a number of promising leads but, so far, nothing has come to light.

Daft Uisdean, thinking he could claim the reward, dragged an ‘out’house up to the police station, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Legge who was still inside powdering her nose. Also, various barber poles have been submitted for inspection but, although all were the right colour combination, PC Hugh Dunnett eventually decided that each were too short and too skinny to be a lighthouse.

The Coastguard mannie is currently ‘helping with enquiries’ down at the Police station, Hamish the bearded clam diver is dredging the harbour for signs of any submerged lighthouses, Crawford Minty continues to floss his teeth in preparation for the next round of The Bachelor, and Cyril Nosecone is performing inland sweeps in his plane “"The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," in case the lighthouse wandered ashore.

Stay vigilant and help us in our search.

Flash cards are available, as teaching aids, for anyone who is still unsure how to identify a blinking light.

DAFT UISDEAN IN TROUBLE AGAIN!

Daft Uisdean is being questioned at the local police station, by PC Hugh Dunnett, over some alleged fraudulent transactions. It is expected that Daft Uisdean will be told to go and stand in the corner of the police cell for misleading the public over his new business venture – a Self Amusement Park.

PC Hugh Dunnett was called to the scene of a large and impatient queue, waiting at the gate to Jessie MacTavish’s field. The crowd complained that they were growing tired of amusing themselves in a queue outside a gate, leading to an empty field. Meanwhile, Daft Uisdean had fleeced five quid per person to stand in the queue to his self amusement park.

It is hoped that a long stand in the corner of the police cell will lessen Daft Uisdean’s own self amusement over the matter, but he has since found some belly button fluff and a loose thread in his hand-knitted green underpants to play with and is frustratingly content.

Daft Uisdean, who is a part-time sound engineer for Lovely Day Radio, is also being questioned over an incident that occurred recently during his employment as apprentice at Wullie Spanners' garage. When asked to polish the windows of the prized Meinisters Standard Vanguard, recently repainted by Wullie’s technicians, Daft Uisdean began searching for the newspaper and vinegar and inadvertently destroyed Wullie’s valuable collection of early edition Playboy magazines. A tearful Wullie Spanners said that his early edition centerfold of Barbara Woodhouse was completed ruined, as he scraped her acidic left thigh from the rear window of his Meinsters Standard Vanguard.

Questions are also being raised as to whether Daft Uisdean’s attempts to flush away the evidence of Wullie’s ruined Playboy magazines, was also responsible for Wullie’s recent septic tank back up. Daft Uisdean is therefore being asked to contribute to the cost of Wullie’s best boiler suit being sent to the cleaners.

Agnes Joy, who is responsible for scrubbing gussets down at the laundry, informs us that Wullie Spanners' boilersuit is nearly dry now, though, and once she has pressed it she will pop it over to him on the back of her bicycle.

NEWS BULLETIN - Cat Fight Breaks Out Over Minty Bachelor

PC Hugh Dunnett was called upon to break up a cat fight between the twelve contestants of The Bachelor competition. Reinforcements were summonsed from the mainland, by carrier crow, but not only was Magnus’ back tyre flat on his police bike again, but he was nowhere to be found. The cat fight was, consequently, left for the island’s solitary policeman, PC Hugh Dunnett, to defuse single-handedly.

A spokes person from the hospital on the mainland said that injuries were not considered life threatening -- PC Hugh Dunnett has two black eyes; Barbara was treated for a further puncture; Florrie, for a broken middle finger; Agnes Joy’s gussets were in a twist; while, meantime, Lilian had eaten the pop up version of the Kama Sutra. Other injuries include bruises, asphyxiation, and cracked ribs when Helga and Gertie sat on some of their fellow contestants.

Winnifred and Moonbeam have been held for further questioning, under the Terrorism Act 2000, and Nancy gave a statement to say that she has hired the services of eight twirling dervishes whose spinning, she claims, will throw the earth off its axis unless Kevin Spacey agrees to her alimony payments. PC Hugh Dunnett said there was also something extremely fishy about Jessie Mary.

It is claimed, however, that it was Big Maggie Ann that threw the first punch, puncturing Barbara with her tooth, in a fit of competitive jealousy over her beau, Crawford Minty. “Minty is mine!” she shouted, as she leapt into the midst of the preening dainty dozen.

THE "LADIES"

1 - Agnes Joy -

Gets up every morning at quarter to five to scrub gussets down at the village laundry. Works sixteen hours a day but not on the sabbath. Enjoys nothing, as life is all about suffering and toil, just as the good Lord would want it. Any prospective husband will have his own separate bedroom and should keep his hands to himself if he knows what's good for him.

2. - Barbara -

Found in the back of Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver's trusty wee dive van. Several punctures.

3. - Florrie -

Former head of tourism for the island. Has since retired and spends her days writing letters of complaint to the community papers, spreading rumours and gossip and tutting at the youth of today. Would like a man who shuts up and does as he's told just like her Albert used to before he ran off with that floozy (who's been with sailors and all sorts).

4. - Gertie -

Former president of the Island's Weight Watchers club who was impeached after being caught embezzling funds. Now runs a very successful business with her own specialist website for men who wear dirty raincoats and live with their mothers.

5. - Hazel -

Hazel: Former mascot of 45 Commando Royal Marines. Got used to the four meals a day (with snacks in between) but got bored of the rigourous exercise. Has seen action is several war-zones and quite a few officer's parties.

6. - Helga -

Won bronze in the Shot Put for East Germany in the late 1980's. However reunification resulted in the withdrawal of her supply of cow hormones and nature hasn't been kind. Can still (almost) fit in to her old sporting gear and can bench press 380lb. Recently won Island Sporting Celebrity of the year for taking on Uilleam's Bull - Spanky.

7. - Jessie Mary -

Excellent cook - meal on the table when you get home, enjoys cleaning, has her own house and car. Saved a good wee penny away from her years of working at the fish market - enough to keep two going into retirement. Has a fine selection of malt whiskeys and seven acres of fertile land. But you'll get used to the smell. Honest you will, it will grow on you. Flies are lucky.

8. - Lilian -

Most educated sheep after digesting a total of 58 books from the Mobile Library van. Disaster nearly struck, though, when she choked on a Geoffrey Archer novel. Luckily, Old Angus From Up the Brae was at hand to give her the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Indeed he did it so hard that his belt must have broken with the effort. PC Dunnet dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.

9. - Moon Beam -

Has the biggest collection of guns and knives on the island. Is keen to meet a new man after her last two died in mysterious circumstances. Preferably wants a man with pipebomb making experience who is keen on bringing down the fascist global corporations and ushering in a new era of socialist brotherhood.

10. - Nancy -

Covergirl for Farmers Weekly and former Miss Wales. Recently divorced from her husband, the actor Kevin Spacey, Nancy has also won the Nobel Prize for Physics due to her work on discovering the Higgs Boson and is to be the first sheep in space due to an agreement with the Russian Space Agency. She telepathically communicates with the spirits of Elvis and the Marquis De Sade and once made the Statue of Liberty disappear. World leaders regularly call her for advice on her bright red telephone and she has a bust of Lenin on her desk which conceals a button that opens the door to her underground Bat-Cave. Nancy is currently on a course of medication to halt her obsessive lying.

11. - Rachel -

Heiress of the multi-millionaire who owns the distillery on the north side of the island. Just got kicked out of her strict Catholic boarding school and is keen to find out about life. Enjoys Gymnastics and Yoga and really wants to spend time with a man who likes to watch football while drinking beer and scratching himself. Hates men who leave the toilet seat down.

12. - Winnifred -

Just an ordinary sheep who likes doing sheep things like not playing fetch or eating Pedigree Chum. Does not like burying bones or peeing on lamposts but definitely likes grass and going Baaaa! Has never done anything to Reverend Brimestone's leg. Not recently. Just a perfectly ordinary sheep.

Now, aren't the "Ladies" just lovely?

We'll be getting Crawford to let two of them go in the Carlsburg ceremony each week, until the finals, which will be broadcast live on the Lovely Day Radio Christmas Show.

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet replies

Hamish has decided to deal with Big Angus Frae Up the Brae's question as a matter of urgency. He tells me that he will only be keeping the non-urgent questions for hig spot on Lovely Day Radio. So, over to Hamish now...

From Hamish, the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet:

Hello there, I have to apologise for nae replying sooner but ah've been busy with the diving and ah lost a few days after the Highland Island Entertainment Cooncil meeting. Last thing ah remember was drinking that big drum of home brew, well ah thought it was home brew but apparently it was home made tractor fuel for the up and coming tractor races. Braw eh?

Where was ah? Oh yeah - Big Angus Fae Up The Brae. Ah've examined yer cock quite thoroughly and ah can happily say that ah've come tae a diagnosis. Now mah Ladybird Pocket Guide tae Veterinary Surgery says that ah have tae be sensitive but not beat around the bush. So here goes, eh:

HE'S DEED YAH DAFT OLD CODGER! Look at him! He stinks like the gents toilets doon at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall! Man, ah've never smelled nutthin like it; he's got maggots and slime dribbling out of him. Ah tried tae flush him doon the lavvy but he got stuck and ah had tae bash him a bit with the toilet brush. In the end ah took him oot the back and burned him wi some o that tractor fuel.

Sorry for yer loss, eh. Ah'll send ye the ashes along with ma bill.
Braw.

--------------------

Yes, a very prompt reply from Hamish, and dealt with in a very sensitive manner, too. We are all looking forward to hearing more from Hamish on our resident vet spot on Lovely Day Radio, so we are.

BIG-ANGUS-UP-THE-BRAE - has a question for the vet

Hello again, lovely readers.

Today we got an email from 'Big-Angus-up-the-Brae'.

I thought you might want to read his email and ponder over its content, until our resident vet on Lovely Day Radio gets around to answering Big-Angus-up-the-Brae's problem.

---



"Hullo there Jean, It's Big Angus from up the Brae.

I've got your eggs for you, I'll chust get my usual payment later. I was just wondering if I could have a word with Hamish, so I was.

It's a wee bitty personal so it is but I know that you're discreet with these things.

I'm sure you've noticed that the eggs from my farm haven't been up to their usual standard, so they haven't. I think this may be because of the problems I've had with Trevor - my cock.

I'm sure all the ladies from the Knitting Guild remember him, especially after last year's talent show where I got him out for all to see. Poor old Elsbeth nearly had a dizzy turn...she said she hadn't seen such a big cock since the war, so she didn't.

Anyway, Big Maggie-Anne came round for her weekly visit and I went to get Trevor but disaster struck. Normally she gets very excited when I come through holding my cock but that day it was chust hanging there limp and lifeless. I was so ashamed. It had never happened to me before. Big Maggie-Anne tried her best to revive him, giving him a good rub and even tried a bit of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but to no avail.

I'm so dreadfully embarrassed over this. I was going to take him round to the primary school and show him to the children again but PC Dunnett advised me not to.

I'm sure that you'll come to a conclusion and tell me how I can get Trevor back to his former glory. It feels strange not waking up with him standing there proudly.

I'll be on my way now, so I will. I need to get round to Willie's to pick up my cooking whisky. I hope to hear back soon."

---

Tragic tale, so it is. I'm sure we all look forward to hearing the remedy from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, on the next Lovely Day Radio show.

Thank you for your email, Big Angus Up The Brae.

THE BACHELOR

As you are aware, Crawford Minty will be “The Bachelor” in our upcoming competition. In (desperate) hope of finding a bride for Crawford, the Minty family, gentry from ‘The Big Hoose’, asked me to publish a photo of their suave and pedigreed son, posing in his more elegant years.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Daft Uisdean and Readers ...may we present to you

- The Bachelor -

Crawford Minty

Cyril Nosecone - the early flying years

Bunty Minty was sorting through her drawers today, now that she's got her antique furniture back, and she found this splendid photo of Cyril Nosecone taking his first flying lesson.

I forgot to ask Bunty but I'm wondering if that is her boy Crawford Minty lighting the jet engines at the rear, whilst Cyril prepares for take off.

Have you any comments about the photo, Cyril?

Lovely photo, Bunty dear. Thank you for that!

And speaking of photos, we'll soon be publishing details of our contestants in The Bachelor competition. Yes, images of the twelve lovely girls are ready now and a photo of Crawford Minty, too, with all his vital statistics. Stay tuned!

Highland Island Entertainment Council

Draft Minutes

Highland Island Entertainment Council and Knock Kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
November 14, 2006, Autumn Meeting

Members Present –

Chairman –
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department

Members-
Torquil Mor
Cyril Nosecone
Woodworm Willie
Rev. Hellman Brimstone
Daft Uisdean
Annie from The Glenpuddle & Munroe First Crofters Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnett
Dougal
Julio Fernando
Seamus the Slow Worm
The Ladies of the Church Guild
Maggie Ann MacPhee
Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver

Apologies –
Ruby Hazelnut
Dorcas Mor
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Crawford Minty
Bunty Minty
Julio Fernando’s mother
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers

Call to order -
Rev. Brimstone shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.02 pm.

Salute -
Board member Torquil Mor led with the first “Slainte mhoiz,” closely followed by “Break a Leg” from Woodworm Willie, while Annie played Amazing Grace on her trombone (we think).

Announcements –
Maggie Ann MacPhee made many obscene announcements during the course of the meeting and once again the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette Syndrome.

Chairman’s Report –
Farquar Bogg reported that since the last meeting in February, no progress had been made on anything. Cyril Nosecone’s balls still have not been held. Ruby Hazelnut’s Dancing by Numbers Class lost count again. PC Hugh Dunnett has not solved any cases at the police station. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson has not learned any English. After 11 months and 6 days, and 6 gallons of concentrated prune juice, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish still has not given birth. Therefore, there would be no chairman’s report.

Business –
Maggie Ann shouted objections, before any business was discussed, so a bottle of Blue Nun was added to her medication.

Volunteers were requested to investigate the matter of the stolen antique furniture that was found recently in PC Hugh Dunnett’s crime detection van. Since volunteers were reluctant to interfere with the law, PC Dunnett offered to examine himself in public, exposing everything openly. Betty Morag of the Ladies’ Church Guild said that her friend, Lillian, had a stroke and asked why the other ladies were reluctant to offer support. She got everything off her chest, crying that it was all too much for Lillian on her own and asked for some extra hands. The Rev. Brimstone said that Betty Morag had touched him so much that he would definitely come. Meanwhile he would pray for the well-being of his member.

An email arrived from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, which said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood.

Julio Fernando asked if he could have a copy of the minutes translated into Spanish for his mother in Mexico City.

Big Maggie Ann’s outburst was struck from the record while a half bottle of cooking whisky was added to her IV line.

Torquil asked if anyone had seen the knock-kneed lurchers, but no one had seen them. A motion was carried forward. The committee tried to decide if it belonged to the knock kneed lurchers. Rover and Flossie, whose knees were the straightest, were blamed for the motion and the committee decided to seek training advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers.

Cyril Nosecone was asked to give a full report on the North Ronaldsay mail run for the next meeting.

Actions –
Maggie Ann has to keep taking her medicine.
Daft Uisdean has to change his underpants and pick the crust off his vest.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.
Julio Fernando will enroll his mother in an ESL (English as a Second Language) course.

Next meeting –
to be decided

Seamus the slow worm completes journey

There was a joyful reunion in Ullapool today when Daft Uisdean was reunited with Seamus, his pet slow worm. Seamus had set off on a sponsored walk from Helmsdale on August 1st 1998, to help Woodworm Willie raise money for the Legless Crofters' Association. After traveling for eight years and one hundred and four days, at 1.15pm today, Seamus the slow worm finally arrived in Ullapool, raising a grand total of eight pounds fifty two pence for the Legless Crofters. The Association has decided to buy a bottle of cooking whisky with the proceeds.

Well done to Seamus the slow worm.

New Resident Vet on Lovely Day Radio

Thank you to everyone who applied for the job as resident vet on The Lovely Day Radio Show. The position is now closed and after a long and arduous selection process, Jean has made her choice out of all the candidates.

Given his background in Marine Biology, it has been decided that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver will be allotted a regular feature as resident vet on Lovely Day Radio. Locals are invited to call in to the show, or send Hamish their animal related queries to highlandisland@verizon.net

We will keep all the other applications on file, should a similar job materialise in the future.

Well done Hamish! We look forward to your input.

The (Highland Island) Bachelor

Lovely Day Radio will soon be featuring the Highland Island's version of The Bachelor. Although we are still deciding on the identity of The Bachelor for our show, we have chosen twelve outstanding ladies that will be competing to win the affections of our lucky man.

Each week we shall have The Special Brew Ceremony where The Bachelor will give a tin of Carlsberg Special Brew to the ladies that he wishes to get to know better. The ladies without tins of Carlsberg Special Brew will be eliminated, until only one lady remains.

No expense will be spared to enable The Bachelor and his suitors to venture out on exotic dates. So keep watching for details of these exciting locations.

At the end of the show, The Bachelor will be presented with his own croft here on the island, where it is hoped that he and his chosen lady will live out their years together.

Regarding The Bachelor, we are still trying to decide between Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, Crawford Minty, or Woodworm Willie. Cyril and I have far too many commitments with Daft Uisdean.

So, as Hamish is still recovering from his sea rescue in northern Africa, and Woodworm Willie will be busy with his night classes, we were wondering if Crawford Minty would care to participate in our programme and be The Bachelor.

Can you please sign your name in the comments box below, Crawford, if you are willing to be The Bachelor here on The Highland Island Reality Show, and then I'll send you all the necessary paperwork?

NEWS FLASH!

NEWS FLASH!

Earlier today, a raft was located drifting off the North African coast. Its three weather-beaten occupants have been transferred to the Spanish fishing vessel, El Pescador Loco.

By 6 pm, Jean at the woolshop received a ship-to-shore call from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver to confirm that the three survivors were indeed himself, Magnus and Besinia.

More news from Hamish soon…

Woodworm Willie's Night Classes

Since the dark nights have drawn in, Woodworm Willie will be starting his night classes in the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall again. You can register for the classes tomorrow morning between 10 am – 12 noon at The Woolshop down by the ferry terminal. Sessions run for twelve weeks and a list of classes is given below.

Tuesday night 7-9pm – Tap dancing – Shoes will not be provided. You must bring your own, as Willie only has left foot size elevens.

Wednesday night 7-9 pm – Introduction to Poaching – Nets and transport are included in class enrollment fee but explosives are extra. Bring a torch and quiet wellies.

Thursday night 7-9 pm – D.I.Y. Embalming – Hurry! Due to the oncoming flu season this popular class will book up quickly - only 6 places available. Bring rubber gloves and a close acquaintance.

You will also be able to enroll, or ask questions, in the comments section below. Hurry, now!

Don't be shy

Daft Uisdean has a habit of lurking behind the blog. He has a wee peep hole at the back of the screen that he uses to watch you as you are reading.

(What's that Daft Uisdean? No, I won't tell that woman to stop picking her nose.)

I know. I know. Letting him watch you IS very disturbing, but I assure you he hasn't taken off his underpants once since we stitched them to his vest, so there is no danger of him suddenly mooning at you.

He tells me that there are a lot of new readers to the blog, though, so I'd just like to say "Welcome!" Pull up a seat and feel free to enter a comment whenever you feel creative. Anything goes, provided you wash your hands afterwards, and all comments are VERY welcome.

Now some of you have been asking Daft Uisdean (those of you who have had enough cooking whisky and can see him) why I have returned to moderating the site, instead of letting you post willy nilly all by your good selves.

No, it's not because people are posting obscenities. Simply, I wasn't noticing all your comments, so moderating allows me to see when you post something. That way you can be sure of a reply.

You see I can't be relying on Daft Uisdean to tell me everything. Between you and I, shh, he tells me lies about you.

I know. I know. It's very disturbing, but provided I let him continue to watch you through his peep hole, it stops him flashing his underpants to the tourists down at the ferry terminal.

So, if this is your first visit here, come in and have a seat. Would you be wanting a wee snortach of my cooking whisky?

Just “say when” in the comment box.

IQ test.

Since there's a full moon looming around the corner, Jean and Daft Uisdean thought that some of you might be inspired to put your creative talents to use.

------------------------------------------------

IQ TEST -

If you wish to audition for a part as one of the Three Wise Men in the Ladies Church Guild nativity play, please complete the following IQ test.


In the comments section below - Submit a suitable lyric so that the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters Brass Ensemble, est 1862, can compose a new Christmas carol.

Yes, the winning entry will not only ensure that you get through to the finals of the auditions for a part as one of The Three Wise Men but the chosen lyric will be given a wonderful accompanying melody, composed by Annie.

The new Christmas carol will then be sung and played live on Lovely Day Radio.

News from the island -

Murdina at the butcher’s shop has been conducting stem cell research and has grown some livers. She informs me that it tastes lovely, fried with onions and a bit of bacon. The price will be 3.50 a pound for locals and 6.50 for tourists.

Woodworm Willie has now had the hearse serviced for the upcoming flu season. He’s hoping for a good winter because he’s saving for a timeshare caravan at John O’Groats.

The Reverent Hellman Brimstone is currently having his organ serviced.

We’re awaiting confirmation that a raft has been spotted, drifting into the Bay of Biscay. As LDR (Lovely Day Radio) listeners know, we are still searching for Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, Magnus and his new bride Besinia. Their boat sank out in the Minch last week and it is thought they managed to board an abandoned raft on a south bound tidal flow.

The Clapdarnach Group of Companies has now got the first batch of Christmas Clapdarnachs packaged for sale. This year we are experimenting with clapdarnachs from deer as well as from sheep. Special deer vindaloo, produced by Ravi Sing’s Asian Restaurant, has allowed us to produce beautiful yellow and orange colours in our deer clapdarnachs to accompany the lovely mint sauce green found in the lamb clapdarnachs.

The Ladies of the Church Guild are currently holding auditions for parts in the upcoming nativity play. They are still having difficulty finding suitable people to play the part of the three wise men. An IQ test will be posted in the next blog entry for all applicants.

"It"

“It” has been driving me crazy for years now. Yes, I woke up this morning depressed about “it” again, so I’m finally going to do something about “it.”

You see ever since school I’ve been “it.” I was tagged just before the bell rang on the last day of school in primary six. After the summer, when I joined primary seven, the headmaster told us we were a bunch of rowdy tattiebogles, “Enough of your running about,” he said. “Walk, don’t run.” And, so that was “it.” I was doomed to be left in a state of “it” for ever more.

I’ve since dragged my feet through life, chin on my chest, wondering what to do about “it.” The older and taller I grew, the harder "it" became to get rid of “it.’

So, after another restless night, I came to a decision. If you are still reading this, then…

Tag! You’re “it!”

(Whew, that feels like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.)

PROGRAMME THREE is ready!

"At last!" I hear you say, "Where have you been Torquil?"

Yes, I know I've been gone for a very long time but I was busy helping Jean and Daft Uisdean with the Lovely Day Radio show and some other things, too, so let me tell you what else I've been up to...

I now have a page on MySpace

But, the main reason I popped in to talk to you is to tell you that another Radio show is ready for you -

So, Lovely Day Radio Programme Three, is now ready here!

Now I'll be back in a bitty, as I've just got to soak my bunion in a basin of epsom salts. I promise I won't be gone long this time.

No! No! No!

No Cyril, don't be dirty! That's not how new planes are made!

Warning - Giant Shredder on the Loose!

Between 6 pm last night and 6 am this morning, a giant shredder escaped from the paper recycling plant down at the ferry terminal. A prominent Islander, Woodworm Willie, said he had just uncorked his second bottle of cooking whisky when he saw the shredder enter Cyril's aircraft hanger.

The public are being warned not to approach the shredder. Remove all white clothing, that could be mistaken for paper, and all brand name logos that resemble letter headings and call PC Hugh Dunnett at the local station.

Police reinforcements are due to arrive from the mainland. As soon as Magnus the Bobby has pumped up the back tyre on his bicycle, he'll be catching the next ferry.

Do you think you can salvage your plane, Cyril? Such a great pity, as your plane, "The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," looked so good with her new wings and fresh paint.

Buy Daft Uisdean's house.

Daft Uisdean, eager to profit from highly inflated house values in the Highlands, is selling his house "The Bare Butt n' Ben."

He states, "This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to purchase a cottage with character. Decorated to high standards throughout, this charming one-room abode is steeped in history. The interior walls are adorned with newspapers dating as far back as 1976 and, of course, Sydney Devine personally signed the inside window pane during his 1984 Island Tour. It says, “Get Help! Sydney Devine is being held captive in here." I let him go after a few weeks, though.”

He added, “Garden extends to .007 acres. Offers over 100,000.”

Cyril's Been Grounded!

Cyril has been busy, working on his plane. He thought you might want to see his progress. When I asked him if he needed a hand, he said, “I'm missing a few wings, bit like Paul McCartney I suppose.”

If any one knows where Cyril could buy a set of wings, could they let him know in the comments section below? I think he’d be most grateful.

She's a right bonnie wee plane, right enough. Does she have a name, Cyril?

I think that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver is a dab hand with planes. My bet is that he'd be able to help you Cyril. Are you there, Hamish?

Phantom Sheep Crutchers Strike Again!

Yes, I know…it has been a long time since I posted. I was too angry.

Woodworm Willie and myself were preparing to harvest a good crop of early autumn clapdarnachs. (They were plump as the purple plums in Jean’s garden, so they were.)

We sat upon the dry stone dyke, to partake of a small drop of cooking whisky, each choosing our favorite sheep. “I’ll get the clapdarnachs from Deirdre today, Torquil,” said Willie. “We have a good rapport going since she lost her leg.” He also selected Morag, Beverly, Lucious Linda, Moses, and the twins Annie and Fanny. As usual, that left me with Hilda Halitosis, Bucking Bertha, Bridget, Barbara, Camel Toes, Bandy Johanna, and yon big brute with the teeth, Caroline.

One dram led to another and then Willie fell off the dyke. Neither of us was fit for any harvesting.

When we sobered up, ten days later, Willie shouted from the dyke, “Torquil, come quick!” in an urgent voice, meaning either we’d run out of whisky or the septic tank was overflowing again. I ran as fast as I could.

When I saw the girls, naked, I knew that the phantom sheep crutchers had been at work again. We lost a whole season’s worth of clapdarnachs to that wicked band of shavers.

PC Hugh Dunnett has set up the mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal where there will be a mandatory inspection of all electric razors. Magnus, the bobby from the mainland, will be bringing his forensic DNA kit, once he pumps up the back tire on his bicycle and catches the next ferry over.

Meanwhile, we’ve had to postpone the release of the next Lovely Day Radio Show until Jean knits some woolen underpants for the sheep.

Interview in Progress

Jean is currently interviewing for the post of 'resident vet' for the Lovely Day Radio show. The successful vet will be called upon to answer questions and address concerns from both the local farming communities and from local pet owners on the island.

There is still time to apply, if you feel you are qualified for the job. Here are the interview questions. Submit your answers below, in ‘Comments,’ to apply for the position.

1) What are the main two differences between a billy goat and a bantam hen?
2) If your sheep's clapdarnachs suddenly turned orange, what would your diagnosis be?
3) If your pig was bulimic, how would you fatten her up for Christmas?
4) If Daisy the Dairy Cow asked for advice on udder implants, what would you recommend?

Get it while it's hot - Programme Two is here!!

It's ready folks. Come and get it!

Programme Two of Lovely Day Radio can now be downloaded to your ears.

Running Time = 34.09 mins

File size = 27.3 MB

Drum roll please.......




Tune in here --->

http://www.switchpod.com/users/highlandisland/LovelyDayRadio_Prog_2.mp3

Enjoy the show and don't forget to send your comments to Jean. She loves to hear from all her listeners.

Prophecy of The Daft Drooling Child

While we’re waiting for the radio show to begin, I thought you might like to see some more of Coinneach Crows predictions. Here is a transcript of Coinneach’s speech, down at the ferry terminal this morning. As usual, Coinneach fixed his gaze onto the horizon line, his pupils glazed over and the trance began.

“Caw! Caw! Coinneach Crow is a wise crow. He must never be doubted. Coinneach smells a daft, drooling child with webbed fingers and toes. The boy is on a quest, as he seeks his true father. His search will uncover a revolution never before witnessed on this island or any other land. Caw! Hear my words, the revolution will bring many men to this island, flocking from near and far away lands. Men will come singing rejoicing, arm in arm and hand in hand. I see conflict with the church, much resistance as truths are questioned. Meanwhile, the daft miracle shall be walking among us like a king. Beware, though, of many ferries arriving at this terminal. You must find a way to control the miracle or risk changes that might destroy this community as we see it now. Caw! Coinneach Crow has spoken.”

Surely, "the daft drooling child" can be none other than our own Daft Uisdean!

"Hurry up, Daft Uisdean."

Loud chanting can be heard down at the ferry terminal. You can hear it in the woods, on hill tops, in septic tanks, and in the church, too. The echo of chanting even resounds through Murdina's sausage machine, as she sweats to meet demand for the latest recipe in her new range of sausage links - clam and hog's head cheese with mint and licorice seasoning. They're chanting, "Hurry Up Daft Uisdean."

Uisdean, under terrible pressure now, is being urged to complete the editing process on the second show of Lovely Day Radio. According to Jean, the show is nearly ready to broadcast. "It should be ready within the next two days now. We have another wonderful performance from The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofter's Brass Ensemble, Est. 1862, lots of great music and features and a live interview with Hamish the bearded clam diver." She asks for "a wee bitty more patience". I couldn't help feeling that Jean was looking especially nervous, though.

Meanwhile, down at the ferry terminal, local gossip is circulating that the delay and editing problems has something to do with Woodworm Willie. The word "blackmail" was used several times. Why would Woodworm Willie be blackmailing Jean and Daft Uisdean of Lovely Day Radio, and what are the terms of his demands?

"Take that!" said Willie, to the pin-poker

Dear Readers and Listeners,

"I think there's someone practicing voodoo on the island," said Jean, when I talked to her after church yesterday. "I keep getting these prickles all over me, so I do, and I'm having awful bad luck with meeting deadlines for the radio show."

When I asked her what sort of prickle she was feeling these days, Jean said, "It's hard to explain. First I feel an "ouch," followed by an "oooo" and then it sort of goes "goodness gracious me" and it ends up with me saying "I think I'll be putting a wee bitty less Dandelion and Burdock into my cooking whisky tonight," and Jean finally admitted, "then I get myself a wee bitty of a hang-over in the morning, so I do."

I asked Jean why she thought her feeling prickles was due to someone practicing voodoo, and she said, "Because I found this stuffed rag doll down at the ferry terminal, covered in safety pins."

P.C. Hugh Dunnett, Woodworm Willie and myself were on the case straight away. We applied to the northern constabulary on the mainland for a grant and opened a mobile incident room down at the ferry terminal (compliments of Sammy's Porta-Potties Ltd.) and we placed the stuffed rag doll, with the safety pins still inserted, outside as bait. Hugh, Willie and myself then sat inside the incident room, waiting for an incident. (Willie had drilled some peep holes in the side wall of the incident room, just like he does in the joke coffins on his April 1st funerals.)

Well right enough, we saw someone saunter along the jetty holding a fresh box of safety pins.

On the count of three, Hugh, Willie and I pounced on the occultist. Hugh confiscated the pins and slapped on the cuffs, Willie slammed him on the head with a bottle of embalming fluid “Take that!” and I took a photo, for crime scene evidence.

Well, it was none other than Daft Uisdean, looking for his rag doll, Boo.

“Where’s my Boo?” said the Daft boy.
“Boo Who?” said P.C. Dunnett.

We’d never seen a grown policeman cry before, but when Daft Uisdean told him that Boo’s ear was falling off and when Uisdean explained how he’d used safety pins to keep Boo’s ear on, P.C. Dunnett cried, “How am I going to explain to the northern constabulary on the mainland that the funding for the incident room was all in vain?”

Meanwhile, Jean’s shingles are still in recovery, so, yet again, there will be a delay in the second radio show.

Yours truly

Torquil

P.S. Cyril, How can we stop your Daft Uisdean from feeding cheese to his computer mouse? Its 'all gunked up' and his mouse pad smells like his feet!

Message from Jean

The second show of Lovely Day Radio is coming along nicely but Jean has broken some finger nails while out at sea, hauling in her lobster creels. She really wants to look her best for the radio show, so there will be a short delay in the production, while Jean guzzles some jelly cubes, buys a new emery board and prepares her No. 23 "crimson swirl delight" varnish.

Other News -

The Fish Festival is underway here on the island. So, here are today's prize winners.

• Best fish joke - Daft Uisdean
• Best fish impersonation - Daft Uisdean
• Fishery protection prize - Daft Uisdean and his WWI canon
• Most body parts in a fish bowl - Daft Uisdean
• Leaping the waterfall - Daft Uisdean
• 2006 prize for bottom feeder choreography - Daft Uisdean
• HMS Titanic Prize for iceberg relocation - Daft Uisdean for moving most icebergs to the Nowegian fjords

News flash -

Our underwater correspondant, Sven Johansen, has just reported that Oslo is now completely underwater.

Lovely Day Radio, Programme 2, will be coming soon to your ears, so stay tuned.

Daft Uisdean in a tangle

Jean would like to express her thanks for all the kind comments and interesting emails about Lovely Day Radio. She says, "Can you tell all your lurking readers that it's time to come out of the closet to say hello. I know you're out there, yes I do. Lots of regulars out there have still to come forward yet. Drop me a line, will you now. Yes do that, why don't you now. I don't bite, no I don't, I really don't. And, it's a lovely day now so it is... just smashing."

Another radio show is sheduled in the very near future, once Daft Uisdean has untangled his woolen underpants from the turntable at the studio. We're hoping to release another show by July 14th, at the latest.

Keep the coments and suggestions coming, though!

It's a Lovely Day for... Lovely Day Radio

The moment you have all been waiting for has finally arrived. Jean and Daft Uisdean are ready to launch their - "Lovely Day Radio" podcast.

Tune in here --->

http://www.switchpod.com/users/highlandisland/LovelyDayRadio_Prog1.mp3

Or, at "iTunes" here --->

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=160812251


We'd like to know your opinion of their work, too. So, good or bad, please leave us a comment below, once you have listened to the show.

Email the show at - highlandisland@verizon.net

(Run time is about 27.5 minutes. File size is about 12.5 MB)

P.S. Please let me know if Jean sounds like a chipmunk in the streaming version. She is allergic to chipmunks.

Many Full Moons

- Crowds of Daft Uisdean's fans remove their underpants and flock to the park, awaiting the launch of Lovely Day Radio -

Hundreds of Daft Uisdean's fans have gathered in the park behind the woolshop. They are bowing down in support of the inspiring work being created by Daft Uisdean and Jean, praying that the two locals will meet the deadline of June 19th for the launch of their Lovely Day Radio.

PC Hugh Dunnett has asked that, for now, could the Ladies of the Church Guild please look the other way when passing the field, and can all crofters please keep their rampant rams and sniffing sheepdogs on a leash, until Daft Uisdean's supporters are safely back inside their underpants.

Lovely Day Radio Launch

We're all getting excited here, awaiting the launch of Lovely Day Radio.

Speaking with Jean earlier today she said, "Uisdean is getting quite good at the controls now. This is our first attempt at a radio show but we're learning more each day."

I asked her when we can expect to hear the first show.

"We hope to have the first show uploaded by Monday June 19th (Juneteenth)," she said, adding, "Annie recorded a lovely solo on her trombone, live in the studio, backed by the fabulous Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862. And, we had a visit from another popular guest, but I don't want to spoil the surprise for our listeners. There will be something for everyone in the show."

So there you have it... June 19th is launch day for Lovely Day Radio (depending on Daft Uisdean's mixing desk and uploading skills, though...)

Coming Soon, To Your Ears...

We are all busy here on the island, aiming for the launch of “Lovely Day Radio,” which we are hoping to broadcast to you from Jean’s Wool Shop. (Actually, it will be beamed to you via the pirate internet podcast “The Jolly Clapdarnach” which is now moored out on the Minch, under cover of leaves next to Cyril’s plane.) Jean, of course, will be the presenter with fabulous music and regular features to look forward to such as –

Regular weather and shipping forecasts,
‘Cooking with Jean,’
An exercise segment called ‘Work Out While You Knit’,
Requests will played by The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, featuring Annie on the trombone.
‘Rant Away’ with Emails from our listeners,
Interviews with local celebrities,
And lots more…

Flora from Social Services, together with a generous grant from the Dyslexic Amphibian Trust Fund (D.A.F.T. for short), is helping us to train Daft Uisdean as a sound engineer. Ken Wood’s kitchen appliances will be supplying the refurbished sound mixers.

We are hoping to launch “Lovely Day Radio” within the next month so stay tuned for details on how to find us.

My wee cough

I was sitting on the Shaman’s Bench, out behind the croft, today. A vision came to me in the form of a kilted Gollach, wi’ a green tourie bonnet on his head. It took me a while to understand whit the apparition was saying, though, all Gollachs being a bit odd and that, you know. Anyway, I finally figured it out. He said, “Why did your wee cough only last four days?”

I thought about this for a while. He was right enough – I was gone from Monday till Thursday, but I was back at the croft again by Friday.

Genius bench, so it is now – sitting there is almost as fascinating as listening to Coinneach Crow.

(Oh yes, and Cyril... dinnae worry about the wee bash on the plane. Once I get Hamish the bearded clam diver to help me pull it out of the hill loch, with a bit of duct tape here and there she'll be as good as new.)

Help Cyril, get me down!

Cyril, I found your plane under the fishing net covered in leaves. I turned the key, just to see what would happen, you know. Then, I revved the throttle, just to see what it would sound like, you know. Then, I released the handbrake, just to... you know.

Well, I thought my sporran was stuck on the steering wheel, so I pulled back on it and now I'm stuck up here. Lovely view of the clouds, and that, but I'm near running on empty.

How do I get down again? Help?

Oh, and can I chew on one of those pork chops on the back seat? There's still some good meat left on the bone that you missed.

Requests

I've just been down to the tree, to read some of Torquil's messages.

A reader called Emanrais, welcome back Emanrais, would like to see more Highland photos.

So here is a photo of the new Leisure and Fitness Centre down at Seamus MacTaggart's farm.

Don't hesitate to leave more requests for Torquil! All you have to do is chisel a message into the tree.

The Police Interview by Woodworm Willie

Psst! Cyril, look at the this interview I recorded --->

Murdo - Sorry, I’m late. I had to pump up the back tyre of my bicycle, before catching the ferry over.

PC Hugh Dunnett – That’s okay Murdo. Before we begin, can I interest anyone in a relaxing cucumber bubble bath, some pile cream or a bitty of dental floss?

Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Whit? What kindae polis station is this? Are ye no gonnae gie us a doin’ in the cells, eh? Bunch ah jessies the lot ay ye, back in Fife the polis’d gie ye a good kickin’, throw ye in the cells wi’ some radgde so ye could have annuther good fight and then gie ye breakfast in the mornin. Braw, eh?

PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Can you state your full name, date of birth and address?

Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Mah name’s Hamish Shanks, only folk call me Hamish the bearded clam diver on account o’ ma big gingar beard, ken? An’ ahm a diver too, ken? Fur clams an’ that, ken? Ah live in mah trusty wee dive van an’ ahm no tellin’ ye mah age, it’s no polite tay be askin’ a gadge that, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett to Third Man [Hamish the bearded clam diver] - Occupation?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ahm a diver ya doss wee muppet. You no listnin, eh?

PC Dunnett - Tell me how you began your career.

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah wiz in the army, ken? Para’s. Fell on ma heed too many time’s so ah figgured ah needed another career so ah became a diver, eh? Braw. Got the idea affay ma sister, she’s a diver too, at least ah think she is, eh? She gets money fur wearing rubber doon the docks, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett - Tell me what a typical dive entails.

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Normally soberin up enough tae drive mah trusty wee van tae the job, eh? Then ah just blow bubbles an’ that. There wuz that time when ah had tae dae battle wi’ one ah they big fish wi’ the big flashy eyes affay Stingray, ken? He wuz ah big mean bugger an’ ah had tae put the heed in im a few times before ah kilt im. Turns out ah had the wrong gas in mah bottle, ken? Ah had ah good laught wi’ the doctors aboot that one, eh? Well a did when ah came oot ah the coma, eh? Braw.

PC Dunnett - What happened, while you were diving, on the day of April 23rd, 2006? What did you find in the salmon fishing nets?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Well ah saw yon gadge an’ ah thout tae mahsel’ it wuz a corpse, ken?

PC Dunnett lays out some photographs. There’s a photo of Torquil, one of me, one of the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, one of Cyril, Anton the Chef, Farquar Bogg and one of Daft Uisdean.

PC Dunett – Do you recognise “yon gadge” that you thought to yourself “it wuz a corpse?”

Hamish the bearded clam diver points to Daft Uisdean’s picture, as being the corpse-like person that he saw tangled in the fishing nets.

PC Dunnett – What happened when you saw this man [Daft Uisdean]?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - ah followed the rules in the divers handbook and searched his person fae ah wallet, wedding ring, rolex, car keys, earrings, gold teeth, nipple rings, prince albert, ye ken the sortay stuff, eh?

PC Dunnett – Was this to identify the body?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Oh, eh, aye, fur that.... Aye... Anyways, ah’d done mah search and found nothing of any value at all officer, none. Definitely no a wallet wi money in it. Phew! It’s affy hot in here, eh? Anyways then ah saw the bugger move an’ ah damn near filled ma kecks eh!

PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uisean] resist when you cut it free from the salmon nets?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - No as much as when ah tried tae take his gold fillings – eh, purely tae identify him, ken?

PC Dunnett - Did it [Daft Uidean] say anything to you when you both surfaced from the water?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? All ye’s speak dead funny round here, eh?

PC Dunnett - What happened to him [Daft Uisdean] then?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - He just swam off, eh? Ah didnae even git the chance tae have a good fight wi im, ken?

PC Dunnett - Was it [Daft Uisdean] wearing underpants when you found it?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - Ah divnae ken, ken? Ah wuz more worried about the state o’ ma own, ken?

PC Hugh Dunnett - Finally, Hamish, are you familiar with a person named Cyril Nosecone, and do you know anything about a life insurance claim that he made on the death of his son, Daft Uisdean Nosecone?

Hamish the bearded clam diver - No, can ah git mah doin’ now, eh? Braw.

Cyril, you'd better return that insurance money, NOW! They're on to you.

Eavesdropping by Woodworm Willie

I’ve been watching the croft for Torquil, since it’s clapdarnach gathering week. His mother sent me with a line to do the messages. (For those of you south of the Highland line, that means she gave me a grocery list to take to the shop.)

Now that we’ve clarified where I was going, I'm going to have to tell you what I saw and heard as I was passing the police station.

PC Hugh Dunnett was escorting a very scruffy, bearded individual into the station. I’ve never seen the man on the island before, he was a newcomer, so in the interests of public safety I had to investigate.

By an open window at the back of the station, I crouched down and took notes.

The two men sat at a table in the interview room, joined later by Murdo the Bobby from the mainland. (This must be a big case!)

PC Hugh Dunnett switched on a tape recorder. He said the time was 3 pm and gave the names of all three present. Then, the interview began.

As soon as I type out my notes, I’ll upload them to this blog. Back in a wee bitty.

New - Out of the Croft Assistant

I will be out of the croft for a few days.

Following the lambing season, it's now clapdarnach gathering week. (Orders are now being taken for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones - milder aroma but more succulent!)

If you want to leave a message (or an order for lamb's clapdarnach incense cones) I now have a new "Out of the Croft Assistant".

A box of carving tools will be left by the tree at the bottom of the road, so please carve your message after the tone.

Thank you very much, now.

“Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?”

Darn it! I missed the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations.

You see, Big Maggie Ann called at the croft this morning. (An easterly wind was blowing in off the Minch and I swear Big Maggie Ann could smell our food cooking from over her side of the hill.)

Mother stirred the cast iron pot on the range. “Have you eaten yet, Big Maggie Ann?” she asked politely, as all mothers do when visitors call.

Judging by the amount of chocolate smeared around Big Maggie Ann’s pudding face, I reckoned she'd eaten plenty.

“Oh, thank you, No,” said Big Maggie. “Are you making a wee strupach, then?” She moistened around her wind-chapped lips with a large, dirty, brown tongue and thundered her arse onto the upright chair by the hearth. The wooden legs squeaked and strained under her weight.

I threw some more peat on the fire, and sighed. Aye, Big Maggie Ann was to be there for the day, so I’d just have to accept it.

What a cheek that big woman has. A “wee strupach” indeed! In my day “strupach” meant a cup of tea and maybe a home-baked scone with butter. Big Maggie Ann arrived at 11 o’clock and after consuming a couple of lightly poached deer, she asked for some dental floss to clean her tooth. “Cleanliness in next to Godliness,” she said, with venison gravy now caked into the remaining chocolate on her hairy chin. I itched to comb it out but I was able to distract myself for a minute or two, reading a short article about Clachnabruich Shinty Team on the sport’s page of the paper.

Big Maggie Ann then devoured two oatcakes with crowdie, four pieces of shortbread, six pancakes dripping in strawberry jam and half a loaf of bread, toasted then spread with dripping. She burped, loudly, and asked me to pass the box of matches, so that she could light up her pipe.

Now I could’ve just left Big Maggie Ann with Mother, and joined Willie and Cyril for a wee drop of cooking whisky down at the Sinko d’ Mayo celebrations, but Mother would’ve given me one of her “looks.” I might be a bachelor but I know that when a woman gives a man the “look” only a foolish idiot would ignore it.

Tell me about the celebrations, Cyril, will you? Did I miss anything spectacular?

Sinko d' Mayo

The annual festival of Sinko d’ Mayo will be held tomorrow at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, starting between 9 am and 11.30 am, sharp.

This festival, of course, honors Fungal Finlay who lost his life at sea, serving his local community. Fungal, a local grocer on the island, reversed his Ford Anglia Estate to the end of the ferry pier and, while unloading boxes of groceries onto a Russian fishing trawler, the car’s handbrake disengaged, shunting him, and all his groceries, into the water and down to the depths of the sea bed.

Groceries consisted of tubs of egg yolks, jars of mustard, bottles of white wine vinegar, olive oil, and lemons. In memory of the “Sinko d’ Mayo”, a public holiday was declared and has been recognized ever since on May 5th of each year, here on the island.

Fungal Finlay, posthumously of course, was also the recipient of the much coveted "award to die for" – The Woodworm Coffin Company, Ltd. “Corpse of the Year.”

Celebrations begin with a tuba recital by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. and her rendition of "Ag-a-doo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree..."

4th May, 2006

May the Fourth be with you!

From Daft Uisdean

BUSINESS NEWS

The Clapdarnach Group of Companies announces the grand opening of "The Clapdarnach Home Depot" - imaginative home furnishings at affordable prices.

Why let your seagull nest on a bare chimney pot when we can install one of our latest designs in compost bags! They're snug fitting, retaining the chimney-pot warmth, and kind to the environment by trapping the smoke inside your home.

Be the envy of your neighbourhood and shop at Torquil's new store.

Memoirs of World Dance Day

Ruby Hazelnut, Dance Instructor from the Dancing by Numbers Nightclass, reports -

I danced in the morning when World Dance Day begun
I danced with Torquil, and with Cyril’s daft son
I got down with Kylie Madonna and we danced on the Earth
At the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, she gave birth.

“You dancing then?” Said Woodworm Willie
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Woodworm Willie?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your wooden leg, then?” said Me

I danced for The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1863
But they would not dance until they found ‘Middle C’
I danced for the poachers, and with Big Maggie Ann
She crushed my big toe, but the dance went on.

“You dancing then?” Said Cyril Nosecone
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Cyril Nosecone?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your nose, then?” said Me

I danced on Friday 28th April, when the sky turned black
It's hard to dance the strip polka with a heavy raincoat on your back
Daft Uisdean bared his bottom, and danced the seven veils
Then he wasn’t at the Dance: he was sitting in jail!

“You dancing then?” Said PC Hugh Dunnett
“I am the Lord of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, PC Hugh Dunett?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your truncheon, then?” said Me

They cut Jean a joint and she leapt up high
Hers was the Speech that would never, never die!
So we borrowed some Mogadon and put it in her tea,
Lord, the Dance was now ball, because it was speech free.

“You dancing then?” Said Erchie MacPhee
“I am the Chieftain of the Dance,” said He!
“You asking, Erchie MacPhee?” Said Me
“Yes, I'll lead you in the Dance,” said He!
“Can you lead with your wee dog Lucky, then?” said Me

Note from Torquil - After that happy ending, where Erchie agreed to be Chieftain of the Dung Wrestling games, and Lucky was measured up for his matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants, with Hunting MacPhee tartan crotch buttons, Cyril Nosecone presented his paper to the committee "My life as a pilot - turbulence as a form of dance."

Cyril’s paper will be added to the comments section soon, so watch this space.

4 Days, 6 Hours, and 55 Minutes !!

Finally, Jean's speech drew to an end. (Thanks to Big Maggie Ann for spiking Jean's cup of tea with Mogadon.) Unfortunately, Jean fell asleep before she picked the competition winner, so Woodworm Willie has chosen the new name of "The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall", as suggested by Jeeves from Texas.

Jeeves wins a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.

Coinciding with opening of the new dance hall, “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, has just added another beautiful villa to their collection of holiday homes.The Glen Burach Villa sleeps 2 - 19 and benefits from the latest technology - black and white television (complete with 12 volt car battery), gramophone player (with a selection of 78 rpm records, including Sir Harry Lauder singing Bonnie Wee Annie and He Was Very Kind To Me a.k.a. He Was Very Kind To Me.), and a bed pan (guaranteed leak and leek proof.)

The speech goes on and on and on and on ...

No winner has been announced yet, as Jean is now on Day Four of her speech ...

"Yes, Goodness me it's a lovely day. Just a wee bitty frost last night and some rain this morning, too, yes, that's right now, but a lovely afternoon for the washing to dry. Yes, now that's just the thing, a wee bitty wind is just grand for the cardigans if you put them on a clothes hanger. Hand wash only mind! Oh yes, yes indeed, now. Aye lovely day, so it is now, right enough."

Competition winner - Announcement delay...

"And, it's not a bad day today, after all, no its not, so it is. They said it was going to be a fair day and I think they were right enough now, so they were. Last night wasnae bad either, if you recall, with a good bitty moon and a wee wind to get the lum going, och aye, nothing like breaking a good bitty wind up the lum..."

And so Jean's speech continues...

New Dance Hall Prepares to Open

Today, April 28th, 2006, World Dance Day Minus One, the new dance hall down by the ferry terminal was preparing to open.

By 10 o’clock a large crowd had gathered and following a ribbon cutting ceremony, performed with precision by Jean at the Woolshop with a pair of lefthanded Fiskars 208798 dressmaking scissors, on sale this month for only ₤12.50, Jean began a very eloquent speech to name the new hall.

“Hello there everybody. Lovely day now, so it is, though it’s a bitty cold in the wind, too, now so it is. Mind you, it’s not as cold as yesterday, no. No, and not as windy as Tuesday either, goodness no. And, the rain we had Monday was awful, just awful so it was, and Monday being a washing day, too! Just as well it was windy on Tuesday for the all the clothes needing dried from Monday, aye, that’s right. Now where was I…”

While Jean organised her speech notes, there was a short musical interlude with a performance by Hanna Rexia and The Bulimic Bovines, singing “Purging on yon hillside pasture.”

Jean continued, "Aye, lovely day, right enough. Perfect morning for a light 3 ply olive green cardigan with half inch tortoiseshell buttons, so it is. And, they say it’ll be nice tomorrow, too, so they do…”

While Jean recited her fascinating weather forecasting, the programme continued with a song by Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, singing “The Skye Boat Song”, accompanied by Annie of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862, on her tuba. However, when they got to the lines, “Loud the winds howl, Loud the waves roar, Thunder clouds rend the air,” the skies opened, chucking down buckets of rain on the proceedings. Rev. Hellman Brimstone then fired into action. Thrusting his bible to the air, he yelled accusingly at Annie and Feargal Ferris and the Ferry Fairies, “Heathens! Devil Worshipers!” The Rev. turned to the soaked crowd. “Quick! Save your soles! Everyone put on your wellies!”

Meanwhile, back at Jean’s speech, “Aye, it’s a wet day, so it is now. Fancy that now. Grand day for the off-white, oiled Arran knitting wool, I’m thinking now, aye. Aye, it’s wetter than it was on Monday, och aye now. Good job it’s not washing day, so it is. Aye, grand day all the same, though its a bitty on the wet side, too. Now where was I...”

Jean’s speech will continue and conclude at 9 a.m. tomorrow, when the hall will be named and declared open for World Dance Day.

COMPETITION - Name the new dance hall and win a prize

In time for World Dance Day, Saturday April 29th, we are now ready and proud to unveil The Dance Hall.

Built to high standards by “The Dòmhnall” at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal, it is hoped that islanders will greatly benefit from this new entertainment venue.

To celebrate the opening of our wonderful new facility, The Clapdarnach Group of Companies is launching a competition to name the building.

The winning entry will be announced at the opening ceremony on World Dance Day, April 29th, 2006.

Prizes will include a week-long stay at “The Dòmhnall's” Quality Holiday Homes at MacTrumpet Towers, down at The Ferry Terminal and a bottle of this year's finest reserve from Clapdarnach Wineries.

Good Luck!

(Entries by Thursday 27th, in comment section, please.)

NEWS JUST IN ...

2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee

Would contestants for the 2006 Highland Poacher's Spelling Bee please collect their tins of Heinz Alphabetti Spaghetti by noon tomorrow, from Jean at the Woolshop. The contest begins 6.00 pm sharp, in the back room of Murdina's Butcher Shop.

Remember the rules –

No spelling out obscene words.
Alphabetti Spaghetti only - no prawns!
No spelling with your mouth full.
No Bees.
Only one contestant in the Porta Loo at a time.
Do not feed the judges.
No Parmesan cheese in the Porta Loo.
Cheerleaders must not spell out the words, when providing support.
No village idiots, one-eared sheep or one-legged contestants.
Sorry, only one 40oz bottle of cooking whisky allowed per contestant.
In the event of slurred speech, the judge’s decision will be final.
No playing with the sausage machine or the mincer.


List of words that contestants must spell, as follows –

Poacher
Salmon
Gamekeeper
Run
Hide
Siren
Police
Gotcha
Handcuffs
Court
Judge
Jail
Warden
Key
Slam
Lights Out
Cooey Cooey little Poacher
Oh Oh!
Burly Brokeback Mountaineering Inmates
Run
Hide

Don't Forget Earth Day!

Earth Day 2006 is Saturday, April 22nd. Consequently, Woodworm Willie, at the Woodworm Coffin Company Ltd., will be offering two for the price of one burials on Saturday.

Come and try out his new earth-friendly, green store with recycled coffins (professionally hoovered for re-use by Lachlann's Valet Dancers.)

... and bring a friend.

Barking News!

Farquar Bogg, from the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, has received an anonymous complaint from the pen of Máiréad MacPhee. “In the rich mix of highland life, here on the island, I protest that no provision is being made for our canine components.”

“Máiréad MacPhee, club secretary of the Dung Flinger's Games, is a valued member of our community and she raises a very valid point here;” says Farquar. “The island has a predominance of sheep and we need more recognition of man’s faithful friend.”

Máiréad wrote, “When my husband Erchie accepted the role of Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games, he assumed that his dog would be part of the proceedings. We were aghast when Erchie was told that Jean at the Woolshop would not be knitting a matching pair of 2006 Dung Flingers' Games canine underpants. Erchie had spent hours training his dog to undo gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan and to fasten them again once he’d cocked his leg.”

Her complaint continued, “Erchie’s stalwart companion is recognisable by his eye patch and a missing ear. Wrongly evicted from the Kennel Club, electrocuted by peeing on the toaster, and brain damaged by the flying hoof of an epileptic heifer, he was also mistakenly neutered by Murdina the Butcher when he ventured to collect Erchie’s pound of tripe. The dog suffers from flatulance, a dander allergy and severe Felinophobia. But, still he answers to “Lucky”.”

“It seems to me that Lucky would fit in seamlessly into the Dung Flinger’s Games, especially in a community within which one member has lost his marbles, another his leg and a third its lug.”

Máiréad challenges an unfair and exclusive bias towards sheep on the island, saying, “We need to address the issue that if One Lug Doug, the prize-winning sheep, continues to rule the roost, basking in favouritism, then Erchie’s Lucky, the One Lug Dug, is being unfairly victimised. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that once these people learn of Lucky’s range of infirmities, they would all be jealous since they only have one each.”

Farquar Bogg said that, since the receipt of Máiréad’s complaint, others have followed. “We are still sifting through the mail,” says Farquar, “and the dilemma is growing more complex as I read.”

“In protest, Erchie MacPhee has stepped down as Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flinger's Games, until such time as Lucky is fully included. The 2006 Dung Flinger’s Games has, therefore, been temporarily postponed to an undecided date, later in the dung season. This has angered dung fans in the community, who are receiving the support of sheep owners. “Let’s get Lucky tonight!” the islanders are shouting to the sheep.”

Farquar concluded, “We need to hear from more dog owners, in support of Lucky, who feel their canines have been neglected, too.”



Photo courtesy of Clapdarnach Studios -

"A self-conscious Lucky wears his new cosmetic wig, specially designed to hide the missing ear."

HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT

"HOW TO BAKE A PERFECT VILLAGE IDIOT" - A Collection of Memoirs from the Highland Island - compiled by host Torquil Mhor

Work has begun on an historical collection of stories and memories from the island.

If your name appears in the list below, you are cordially invited to SUBMIT to the site for inclusion, beginning with the very early years.

Woodworm Willie, Daft Uisdean, Farquar Bogg, Cyril Nosecone, Rev. Hellman Brimstone, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish, PC Hugh Dunnett, 'Magnus the Bobby' from the mainland, Jean at the Woolshop, Murdina the Butcher, Big Maggie Ann, Ruby Hazelnut, Scotaidh the Prawn Packer, Máiréad and Erchie MacPhee, Coinneach Crow, Dr. Drew Blood, Barbara Blacksheep, Winfrey Littleboy, The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862., The Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.

If your name does not appear, please submit your memoirs anyway and we’ll try to include them. Thanks to those who have already contributed.

At present, all work is unedited so in order to assist please do not drop litter, leave the seat up, or smoke in public areas.

See "MORE FROM TORQUIL HERE" on the left-hand column, for details.

Tribunal rules on "Barbara the imposter"

Yesterday the tribunal heard allegations of racial tensions at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm when Barbara Blacksheep claimed she was being unfairly victimised because of the colour of her wool.

Overnight, however, news was breaking to expect an early vote from the tribunal, so this morning I joined a gathering flock of cheviots to await a possible ruling on Barbara Blacksheep by the returning officer Winfrey Littleboy, who lives down the lane.

“Barbara Blacksheep, produced three bags full of evidence, when questioned about her wool. The Master and his Dame took possession of two bags and I have inspected the third bag. Our decision was unanimous – Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter and her case has been dismissed,” reported Winfrey Littleboy.

Overseas newspaper correspondents Maida Phibbs from “The Eigg Timer” and Liza White from "Benbecula Evening Ewes" asked, “What did the evidence tell you? How do you know that Barbara Blacksheep is an imposter?”

Winfrey Littleboy, with the help of PC Hugh Dunnett, produced a Shanks white enamel bathtub and PC Dunett proceeded to concoct one of his famous cucumber bubble baths. They coaxed Barbara Blacksheep into the bath.

A very sheepish Barbara was caught on camera, as her true colours were revealed.

Barbara has been referred to psychiatric services for a Baa-ckground check and a full report will be sent to Jean at the Woolshop.

Racial Discrimination - at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm!

The tribunal hearing on racial discrimination claims by Barbara Blacksheep begins today. Barbara, a 3 year old immigrant ewe from the mainland, alleges that, ever since she was herded off the Caledonian MacBrains ferry, she has been unfairly victimised because of her breeding.

“Now I don’t do no cussin’ ‘bout I’s farmer and his lady wife, no sir. Them is really grand island peoples to graze for. I’s as fond of them as I can be. I’s proud like I done raised some fine Sunday leg roasts for I’s master. Yessiree,” said Barbara.

“But, us overseas ewes can’t pick up they turnips and just chew them into which-a-way they wants them to be. No sir. I done tired of tellin’ em farm hands that I’s bred on collard greens ‘n corn,” she said.

Barbara was growing visibly upset. “Course I still eats em but I tells you, Mister, I don’t know how long I going to be able to keep on at this here farm. Turnip’s hard and it done takes one long ass time to get through. However, that don’t bothers I none as much as the pushin’ and the shovin’ and the name callin’ by all em white ass hootchy-mama ewes.”

As the tribunal progresses throughout the week, we will be rejoining Barbara with exclusive reports on her alleged suffering at Seamus MacTaggart’s farm.

Quality Holiday Homes To Let

Welcome to "The Dòmhnall's" Quality Holiday Homes, at MacTrumpet Towers at The Ferry Terminal.

All our quality homes have sea view and are located in sheltered positions, protected from sea breezes by the bank to the west of the island dump.

Homes are rented on a self-catering basis for weekend or full week rentals.

Upgraded to high standards! Sleeps 2 - 26, with detatchable sheep pen. Goats welcome. Llamas must be house-trained.

As pictured, full laundry facilities with running water. New forest green high-technology waste-disposal unit, in the latest portable form. Washing can be done behind the privacy of a newly built wall. Portable wind-breaker, complete with new poles and tent pegs, is supplied for the privacy from poachers and farm vehicles aproaching from open fields to the side and rear.

The latest in hair salon accessories, pictured between the upright brown laundry and the forest green sanitation and waste-disposal unit, can be effectively used for hair-washing days.





En suite bathrooms available on request.




For reservations, availability and prices email Torquil at - highlandisland@verizon.net

Over 60s Seniors' Club - Dung Wrestling Competition

The Over 60's Seniors' Club are sending out an appeal for dung for their Dung Wrestling Competition to be held at the Dung Flingers' Games on May 6th, 2006. "As you can see, the pile is growing but, " says club secretary, Máiréad MacPhee, "we are hoping that this year people will dig deep into their pockets and donate lots more dung."

Máiréad's husband, Erchie MacPhee, has just been bestowed with the honor of being chosen as the Clan Chieftain of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games. It has just been announced, too, that Jean at the Woolshop has finished designing and constructing the traditional knitted underpants to be worn by the Chieftain. We await confirmation yet but it is rumoured that Erchie's underpants will be made of olive green Sirdar double knitting, but with the unusual addition of gusset buttons covered with Hunting MacPhee tartan. Reportedly, Jean used a size 10 needle for the knitting.

The programme of events for the 2006 games is as follows –

10 am – Opening speech by the Clan Chieftain of the Games followed by an unveiling of the 2006 Dung Flingers' Games underpants, together with a demonstration.

10.30 – The Chieftain chooses his partner for round one of the dung wrestling.

10.45 – Round two of the dung wrestling is a Ladies' Choice, led by the Chieftain’s wife, Máiréad, to the music of the Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. Solos will feature Annie on her tuba and Bertha on the bassoon.

11.00 – Cyril Nosecone digs deep and buys a round of drinks for all at the bar.

12 noon – Award winning talk and demonstration by Jimmy Clog the plumber on “D.I.Y. Fashion Accessories for Your Home Septic Tank.”

12.30 – The Clapdarnach Association hold their Craft Fair in the Beer Tent. Entry forms for the dangleberry modeling competition can be obtained from myself, Torquil. Dried clapdarnachs can be bought on the day for use but contestants must bring their own sellotape, scissors, carving tools, string and paint.

2.00 – The Competitive Games continue in the field behind the Woolshop with Dried Turd Hurling, Bull Fart Lighting Competitions, and prizes for the largest bags of sheep droppings gathered over the day. Bags and entry forms can be obtained from myself, again.

3.00 – Judging of the face painting competition (paint supplied by the Dangleberry Cosmetic Company – made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.)

3.30 – Queue begins for sample tastings of the new 2006 Clapdarnach Beaujolais Nouveau (wine supplied by Clapdarnach Wineries - made only from freshly-picked clapdarnachs from only the best ewes.

5.00 – The Dung Flingers' Ceilidh Ball begins.

Volunteer Department News

The V.D. (Volunteer Department) on the island seeks new recruits to assist with various projects.

• “Priority assistance is sought to finish laying the runway at Sammy’s new airstrip,” said V.D. spokesperson Woodworm Willie.
  
  Controversy still surrounds the airstrip project, officially known as The Strip Club. “The Strip Club has been inundated with insurance and funding problems, following Cyril Nosecone’s crash, and complaints are still forthcoming from the Ladies’ Church Guild. Since the disappearance of Mad Dolly and her three twin sisters, who were expelled from the Dunvegan Retirement Home for illicit gambling practices and for distilling gin in the hot water bottle cupboard, the Guild still insists that The Strip Club is harboring these refugees from Skye, exploiting the biddies as sex slaves,” said Willie. “Meanwhile, our Strip Club volunteers have been spread thin and we have an approaching completion deadline of March 18th, the day of the local air show.”
  
  He continued, “Over the next few days, we need muscular guys to help expand the V.D. by laying and spreading over as many spots as possible along at the Strip Club."

• Clinical trial volunteers are also needed to ingest some of Torquil’s clapdarnach incense cones. “We are currently printing new labels for marketing and we still can’t decide whether to type “Harmful when swallowed” or “Fatal when swallowed,” said Woodworm.

• Lastly, a Time Capsule Project has been proposed by the Rev. Hellman Brimstone, an avid follower of T.V. series Star Trek. “Suggestions are needed for items to be placed inside a time capsule,” said Woodworm Willie. Imaginative suggestions can be given left in the comment section below.
  

Late Announcement ...

The Ladies Church Guild has informed me that Cyril's granny's will has been contested.

It appears that the coat his granny knit, in the barn, may not have been Cyril's to sell up on yonder crag. Until the probate case and the frozen assets of 'one buck' resolves, there will be no winner of the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.

And the winner is ...

Cyril Nosecose has won the 1st Annual Poetry Competition.

The judges agreed that Farquar Bogg's poem was imaginative, but the ladies of the baking committee at the church guild have been protesting with banners outside the woolshop today - "Down with HP sauce additives". The ladies of the sheep protection league of the church guild have also been protesting. They demand that sheep wool must be removed from the sheep before knitting, and so Maggie Ann's poem has been disqualified, also.

So, well done Cyril. Here is his poem -

"I stood upon yonder Crag
To sell the coat my granny knit
In a barn
To see if I could make a buck."

Unfortunately, all the prizes fell off the back of the delivery lorry, on their way to the judging committee, so I am donating 10 buckets of turnips for the 1st Annual Poetry Competition prize.

Cyril, let me know when you want to collect your neeps.

Daft Uisdean spotted!

Jean at the woolshop and my good self have spent all day posting warning signs along the coastal beaches.

Our worse fears have been realized. It is true – Daft Uidean is indeed part amphibian. We had always wondered about his webbed fingers and toes.

The day that Daft Uisdean abandoned, Dougal, his wheelbarrow in the woods, he ran towards the call of the sea. Local reporter, William Watcher, said today in the Island Times, "He only surfaces to flash his underpants and to scare the shell-seekers."

If you see Daft Uisdean, do not approach him.

A handsome reward has been offered for his capture.

1st Annual Poetry Competition

Submissions are invited to enter the island's "1st Annual Poetry Competition."

This year’s subject is “Sheep”.

Rules –

The poem should be no longer than 16 lines and must include at least 4 of the following 6 rhyming words – Ghillie, Knit, Barn, Crag, Buck, and Venus.

Entries to be submitted in the comments section, below, by 12 noon GMT on March 12th, 2006.

Exciting prizes to be announced at the end of the competition, according to the response.

Good Luck!