On behalf of all the Islanders I’d like to welcome home my good friend Woodworm Willie. As many of you know, our local undertaker, Woodworm, has been in Porterfield prison wrongly accused of the premature burial of Murdo the Butcher.
Willie, who has always claimed his innocence, said to me this morning, “I’d never have made it through the sentence if it wasn’t for the book “Coffin Building from the Inside with Martha Stewart.” Woodworm Willie was greatly inspired by the book.
With the onset of the busy flu season, he will be offering a whole new range of decorated coffins, influenced by his newfound respect for Martha Stewart. Hand painted headstone baubles, casket handle cookie cutters, and strawberry flavoured embalming fluid are just some of the new accessories he’ll be offering for sale.
Willie reports that sales of his economically priced ‘build-it-yerself’ coffins have greatly improved since he added the low-cost tree saw to the package.
Anyway, Welcome home Willie. Parole regulations require Willie to partake in weekly cucumber bubble baths at the police station, but after that we’ll be heading down to the wool shop for a pint.
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