Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Bit of Yarn About Jean At The Woolshop.

I’m sure you’ve all been wondering about the whereabouts of Jean at the Wool Shop, and whatever happened to her radio show?

Well, are you sitting comfortably? Plump up that old cushion supporting your lower back, raise your tired feet up onto the worn wooden footstool, pour yourself a wee glass of cooking whisky, and I’ll tell you a sad story.

The truth is that Jean fell for the yarns of a Wool Salesman. He spun her wonderful, naturally-oiled tales about ancient drove roads once travelled by romantic sheep, who sang to each other in harmonious bleats.

Jean knitted this salesman many a pair of her famous racing-green underpants, urging him to tell her more.

Upon receipt of his underpants, the salesman confessed to Jean that she was his m’ewes. He told Jean about ways that sheep flock together and, if she really loved him, they should share a sheep pen, write about clapdarnachs, and leg it together to make a mint.

Jean counted the sheep she already had, and after a short snooze, decided to follow the Wool Salesman. She sold all her foreign Alpaca double-knitting, racing-green, 50 g balls at half price. She left her radio station with Daft Uisdean and offered the wool shop for sale on the housing market. Jean then trotted off after the Wool Salesman, with a heart as light as lamb’s wool.

Alas, after much nose-to-tail traveling of drove roads, Jean developed foot rot, for her skills as a Wool Salesman’s Assistant were poor. She was a creative knitter, not a melodious yarn spinner. As she wandered aimlessly, she felt as if she’d been spun around and teased until she was one ply short of the full double knitting ball.

Everywhere she followed, she noticed that she fell further and further behind in the line of sheep that followed behind the Wool Salesman. As time passed, he seemed to be more passionate about the sound of his sales pitch to the flock than ever writing about clapdarnachs. However, Jean remained ever hopeful that one day her skills would be called upon to pen sheep tales, and once and for all she could proudly live up to the title of 'Wool Salesman's M’ewes'.

Jean asked the Wool Salesman if they could take a break from the drove roads, to invent some knitting patterns together. She waited with her knitting needles packed at the ready but alas her wait was in vain.

Her secret dream was that one day the Wool Salesman would spin one of his ultimate romantic yarns about her and set it to some of his m’ewe’sic. As time went by, though, Jean became conscious that the Wool Salesman’s entire repertoire of sheep tales was about Cheviots, Black Faced Sheep, or Cotswold sheep from his past.

In every sheep port and pen thereafter, Jean encountered a ewe that looked prettier than her in her racing green, hand-knitted, double-knitting clothes. The followers of his flock would frolick, intoxicated, dressed in fancy rich colours, as he spun his yarns. Jean could never compete with the way that lively groups of leggy Cheviots often flashed their own tales back to the Wool Salesman, as he performed his sales pitch.

And so, after traveling many drove roads, Jean returned to the island with a few dropped stiches and a heavy heart. She has purchased another property to restart her Wool Shop.

A well-respected gossip from the local Church Guild Knitting Group reputedly overheard Jean say, "My heart feels even heavier than one of Murdo the Ram's giant and swollen testicles." Upon hearing this, the Church Guild group decided to knit Jean a handkerchief for her sorrow, made in double knitting wool and in her favourite colour of racing green.

She is now hoping to strike a deal with Daft Uisdean's lawyer, to get back her radio station and hopes to begin producing shows again in the near future.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Her Royal Highness - Big Maggie Ann's Cafe


Local food critique, Shovel MacGrubbin, paid an unexpected visit to Big Maggie Ann's cafe, The Lobster Pot and her new residence down at the Ferry Terminal. He reported, "Bloody Hell, it's a f*%@ing Palace."

Since Big Maggie Ann discovered the Archie Rembrandt painting, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside toilet, her fortune changed forever. It is rumored that the Archie Rembrandt painting, 'Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat' sold for a seven figure sum at Crusty's Auction Room in London.

Big Maggie Ann recently purchased the Palace, now know as 'Palace of Big Maggie Ann' and, within the palace grounds, runs The Lobster Pot Cafe.

Shovel MacGrubbin continues, "The Pot Noodle sandwiches are crap, pure shite. I would'nae feed that tae ma dog. As for the Pot Belly Stew, I barfed outside the door when I sniffed it. The wife ordered lobster and they gave her a giant cockroach handcuffed to a bed of lettuce wi a fly swatter tae batter it if it moved. I drank ma pint of Guiness and left, but not before paying a visit tae the wee man's room. I would'nae go back again."

We are keen to obtain any other reports on the cuisine at Big Maggie Ann's cafe, so please leave your comments below.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Under new management and open for business

Big Maggie Ann, proprietor of The Lobster Pot Café, down at the Ferry Terminal, would like to announce that she is now open for business.

TODAY’S MENU FOR THE SPEED DATING LUNCH

Pot Noodle Sandwiches, freshly made from the kettle
Pot Belly Stew, simmered slowly since May 30th
Potting Shed Pie, made with Daft Uisdean’s own hands
Potpourri Curry, with unique crunchy bits of dried thistle
Pottery Wheels, hand painted and hard baked. Gum shields supplied.
Pot Hole Covers, marinated by the Island Water Board
Or
Lobster, catch your own. Flippers provided at an extra charge.

All dishes served with a selection of seasonal viruses.

Customers note - Please do not feed the lobsters

Please book your table in the comments section below, giving your average speed per date.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Midnight Marbles

Anyone wishing to join a game of Midnight Marbles please complete entry form at Jean's Wool Shop.

Jean asked me to mention that, due to failure of the floodlights last year, a number of participants lost their marbles. Therefore, if you think you lost your marbles last year, or if you know of someone else who lost their marbles, please ask for a compensation claim form at Jean's Wool Shop, or detail your claim in the comment box below. Please be explicit!

All compensation claims will be considered by a panel of qualified judges - Daft Uisdean, Woodworm Willie and Big Maggie Ann. Payouts will range acording to hardship caused, enviromental effects, the sound of music, and the amount of marbles lost.