Murdina Reveals All On Radio

During a recent radio interview, Murdina the Butcher revealed the name for her new line of Scottish Beef Products.

“I was standing by the sausage machine, quenching my thirst with a can of my favourite orange Scottish fizzy drink, and the name for my new product line came to me like a bolt of light out of the blue.”

“You see, there is a lot of iron in food containing beef,” said Murdina. “I looked at my drink can and thought… I know what I’ll call it… 'Iron Food'.”

“It was quite simple really,” she said. “Funnily enough, I’ve had a lot of requests for me to personally deliver my new line of product, so folk must like the idea.”

A copy of Murdina's new product labels is printed below.

Top 5 Reasons why Daft Uisdean is banned from Big Maggie Anne's cafe

“Waiter! Waiter! There’s an earwig on my ear.”
“Hold still and let me look, Daft Uisdean.”
“Hurry up, waiter. I have a phobia about…”
“Och Uisdean, It’s not a wig... you need to shave your ears.”
“Waiter! Waiter! Come back – there’s a fly on my trousers.”
“Yes, I know Uisdean. Now zip it up again because the Ladies from the Church Guild are looking.”
“But, Waiter! Waiter! I’ve got an ant in ma leg.”
“Och, Uisdean, Your aunt moved away from Mallaig years ago.”
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a bug under the table.”
“Look, Daft Uisdean, this is Big Maggie Ann’s café, not MI5.”
"Ah, but Waiter! Waiter! There’s a tick on the clock.”
“That's it! OUT!”

Emergency Meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department

An emergency public meeting of The Island’s Roads and Planning Department has been called for Thursday night at 7.30 pm down at the Ferry Terminal.

The business in hand concerns planning applications from 1) Muddy Brown and 2) Wullie Spanners. Detailed plans are available to view at The Wool Shop.

In summary, Muddy Brown and Wullie Spanners both propose to purchase the same prime site of real estate (the Ladies toilets down at the Ferry Terminal) and have entered into a bidding war to obtain the property.

Muddy Brown, owner of Brown’s Art Emporium, recently submitted plans to The Island’s Roads and Planning Department for an extension to the property for sale (involving an underground tunnel connecting this property to a sister site in France), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Muddy’s Loovre”.

Wullie Spanners, local garage owner, who has always spoken out about the need for “a hot dog stall an' extra fast food boutique fae the towrists” has also submitted plans for extension to the property (involving a speedy underground tunnel connecting this property to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop), and a proposed change-of-name from “Ladies’ Loos” to “Wullie’s Quick In and Out Sausages”.

The Island’s Roads and Planning Department decided to put both applications to a public vote, before deciding whether to grant planning permission to either Mr Brown or Mr Spanners.

Comments and objections welcome below, in the comments section.

Closure of all Ladies' toilets

The Ladies of the Wee Free Church Guild will hold a special meeting this Thursday to give instructions on how to use a Shewee.

Shewee, the portable urinating device, is a moulded, water repellent plastic funnel that allows women to urinate whilst standing or sitting and without removing clothes.

Due to Highland Island Government cutbacks, mandatory public use of the Shewee will be phased in over the course of the summer months, in preparation for the September 1st closure of all ladies’ toilets on the island.

Public conveniences will now be unisex. Existing Ladies toilets will be sold at auction on September 1st, 2010. Women will be expected to share the use of urinals by utilizing their Shewees.

At a recent question and answer session, down at the ferry terminal toilets, concerned members of the community asked how they could address the topic of privacy between sexes. It was decided that everyone entering public toilets should wear a blindfold.

Local community councilor, Farquar Bogg, added, “The use of blindfolds should also assist in aiding financial cutbacks, as we would no longer require lighting inside the toilets.”

Rev. Brimstone asked how people would find the urinals in the dark, whilst wearing blindfolds. He anticipated a lot of fumbling, groping and wet shoes.

Farquar Bogg consequently decided that all shoes should be removed before entering public toilets.

Mr. Bogg has asked anyone with further concerns to write to him in the comments section below. Or, if anyone would like to make an offer for one of the Ladies toilet buildings, please enter your confidential, sealed bid in the comment section, also stating your plans for its intended use.

New claims about the authenticity of the Archie Rembrandt painting

Muddy, from Muddy Brown’s Art Emporium, made a damning public claim about the Archie Rembrandt painting that Big Maggie Ann found, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside loo. “The painting is a complete fake,” he said.

The oil on canvas, ‘Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat’, is rumored to have fetched seven figures at Crusty’s auction rooms recently. So, our reporter went to interview Muddy Brown about his claims.

“First of all, how did you get your name, Muddy, its unusual?”

“Its quite easy really, you either mix grey or black with yellow, orange, red, or rose and you get varying shades of Brown.”

Our reporter stopped Mr. Brown in his tracks. “Actually, Muddy, I didn’t want an art lesson – I was talking about your first name. Anyway, let’s move on.”

“Oh, good because I prefer Muddy for short, rather than my two forenames, Muddick Sweeny.”

“Okay then, Muddy Brown, so why do you think the Archie Rembrandt painting is a fake?” he asked.

Muddy Brown answered, “Because, whoever painted this canvas, didn’t follow the painting-by-numbers instructions. The Gold Hat is painted yellow. Everyone, like me, who has completed sufficient painting-by-number kits, knows that yellow is in the No.6 paint pot. The gold paint is No. 11, which the artist has used to paint Daft Uisdean’s wellies.”

“But, Mr Brown, don’t you think this could be down to artistic impression? Perhaps Archie Rembrandt intended to paint the gold hat yellow, and Daft Uisdean’s wellies in gold. Crusty’s auction rooms seemed to think the painting was genuine?”

Silence.

“Mr. Brown? Are you okay? You look a bit… yellow… I mean you look a bit No. 6.”

Silence…followed by shuffling feet.

“Come back Mr. Brown. Maybe I should have said you looked a bit No. 11, I mean No. 2… no, I mean No.7 …oh help, is there an artist about that can help rectify my dilemma with Mr. Brown?”

Notes from The Church Guild 'Knitting' (Read Gossip) Circle Meeting –

In attendance -

Big Maggie Ann
Annie (and her trombone)
Mrs Reverent Brimstone
Murdina the Butcher
Dorcas Mor
Ruby Hazelnut
Isabella Lilias Ann MacPhee
Dot Pong from the Chinese Dragon
Vera the Traffic Warden
Deirdre from Arbroath

Apologies were given by Jean at the Woolshop, and Fiona and her Paintings.

At 7.25 pm, everyone said, “Shh!” and looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. Satisfied that there were no eavesdroppers, gossip commenced at 7.30 pm.

1) The latest scandal about Jean and the Wool Salesman – Everyone agreed that from now on The Wool Salesman would be known as ‘You know who’. When gossiping about the point in time when Jean came back to the island, the group decided to refer to this period as ‘You know when’. And, Jean was now to be known as ‘Herself’.

2) Official assignment of a new Gossip Case Code Name (G.C.C.N.) - The group decided on a new G.C.C.N., when members needed to gossip about “You know who’, ‘Herself’ and ‘You know when’. The topic is now called Gossip Case Code Name - “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”

3) Protocol reminder - The correct protocol for initiating a G.C.C.N. is to tug on a group member’s sleeve, pull them into a quiet corner of the room, and repeat the G.C.C.N. (In this case the G.C.C.N. is “AH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”) Then members may proceed to gossip.

4) Examples of relevant gossip – Annie was called upon to give the first example of gossip that might follow G.C.C.N. “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Annie said, “Well, I heard that ‘You know who’ did a lot of shouting about ‘You know what’ when ‘You know when’, happened.

5) Definitition of ‘You know what’ - Dorcas asked Annie for a definition of “You know what’.

6) Tension Building Exercise - In order to add tension to the gossip, Annie proposed that everyone guess what ‘You know what’ meant. She further requested that suggestions were given in whispers. The following ideas were given. Deirdre suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to an illegitimate pregnancy. Dot Pong suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to Sweet and Sour Crab Balls (No. 27 on the Chinese Dagon Take Away Menu). Big Maggie Ann used profanities about ‘Chinese Immigrants’ and was asked to leave the group. Dorcas Mor suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to clapdarnachs. Murdina the Butcher suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to ‘You know who’ inviting other women for ‘tea and scones’. Mrs Reverent Brimstone suggested that ‘You know what’ simply referred to the fact that ‘herself’ felt lonely and unappreciated. She added, “When I feel that way, Reverent Brimstone gives me a damn good Rogering.”

The meeting was adjourned, while everyone recovered from the Reverent’s wife’s comment.