Sunday, November 26, 2006

NEWS BULLETIN - Cat Fight Breaks Out Over Minty Bachelor

PC Hugh Dunnett was called upon to break up a cat fight between the twelve contestants of The Bachelor competition. Reinforcements were summonsed from the mainland, by carrier crow, but not only was Magnus’ back tyre flat on his police bike again, but he was nowhere to be found. The cat fight was, consequently, left for the island’s solitary policeman, PC Hugh Dunnett, to defuse single-handedly.

A spokes person from the hospital on the mainland said that injuries were not considered life threatening -- PC Hugh Dunnett has two black eyes; Barbara was treated for a further puncture; Florrie, for a broken middle finger; Agnes Joy’s gussets were in a twist; while, meantime, Lilian had eaten the pop up version of the Kama Sutra. Other injuries include bruises, asphyxiation, and cracked ribs when Helga and Gertie sat on some of their fellow contestants.

Winnifred and Moonbeam have been held for further questioning, under the Terrorism Act 2000, and Nancy gave a statement to say that she has hired the services of eight twirling dervishes whose spinning, she claims, will throw the earth off its axis unless Kevin Spacey agrees to her alimony payments. PC Hugh Dunnett said there was also something extremely fishy about Jessie Mary.

It is claimed, however, that it was Big Maggie Ann that threw the first punch, puncturing Barbara with her tooth, in a fit of competitive jealousy over her beau, Crawford Minty. “Minty is mine!” she shouted, as she leapt into the midst of the preening dainty dozen.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

THE "LADIES"



1 - Agnes Joy -

Gets up every morning at quarter to five to scrub gussets down at the village laundry. Works sixteen hours a day but not on the sabbath. Enjoys nothing, as life is all about suffering and toil, just as the good Lord would want it. Any prospective husband will have his own separate bedroom and should keep his hands to himself if he knows what's good for him.




2. - Barbara -

Found in the back of Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver's trusty wee dive van. Several punctures.




3. - Florrie -

Former head of tourism for the island. Has since retired and spends her days writing letters of complaint to the community papers, spreading rumours and gossip and tutting at the youth of today. Would like a man who shuts up and does as he's told just like her Albert used to before he ran off with that floozy (who's been with sailors and all sorts).





4. - Gertie -

Former president of the Island's Weight Watchers club who was impeached after being caught embezzling funds. Now runs a very successful business with her own specialist website for men who wear dirty raincoats and live with their mothers.




5. - Hazel -

Hazel: Former mascot of 45 Commando Royal Marines. Got used to the four meals a day (with snacks in between) but got bored of the rigourous exercise. Has seen action is several war-zones and quite a few officer's parties.




6. - Helga -

Won bronze in the Shot Put for East Germany in the late 1980's. However reunification resulted in the withdrawal of her supply of cow hormones and nature hasn't been kind. Can still (almost) fit in to her old sporting gear and can bench press 380lb. Recently won Island Sporting Celebrity of the year for taking on Uilleam's Bull - Spanky.




7. - Jessie Mary -

Excellent cook - meal on the table when you get home, enjoys cleaning, has her own house and car. Saved a good wee penny away from her years of working at the fish market - enough to keep two going into retirement. Has a fine selection of malt whiskeys and seven acres of fertile land. But you'll get used to the smell. Honest you will, it will grow on you. Flies are lucky.




8. - Lilian -

Most educated sheep after digesting a total of 58 books from the Mobile Library van. Disaster nearly struck, though, when she choked on a Geoffrey Archer novel. Luckily, Old Angus From Up the Brae was at hand to give her the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Indeed he did it so hard that his belt must have broken with the effort. PC Dunnet dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.




9. - Moon Beam -

Has the biggest collection of guns and knives on the island. Is keen to meet a new man after her last two died in mysterious circumstances. Preferably wants a man with pipebomb making experience who is keen on bringing down the fascist global corporations and ushering in a new era of socialist brotherhood.




10. - Nancy -

Covergirl for Farmers Weekly and former Miss Wales. Recently divorced from her husband, the actor Kevin Spacey, Nancy has also won the Nobel Prize for Physics due to her work on discovering the Higgs Boson and is to be the first sheep in space due to an agreement with the Russian Space Agency. She telepathically communicates with the spirits of Elvis and the Marquis De Sade and once made the Statue of Liberty disappear. World leaders regularly call her for advice on her bright red telephone and she has a bust of Lenin on her desk which conceals a button that opens the door to her underground Bat-Cave. Nancy is currently on a course of medication to halt her obsessive lying.




11. - Rachel -

Heiress of the multi-millionaire who owns the distillery on the north side of the island. Just got kicked out of her strict Catholic boarding school and is keen to find out about life. Enjoys Gymnastics and Yoga and really wants to spend time with a man who likes to watch football while drinking beer and scratching himself. Hates men who leave the toilet seat down.



12. - Winnifred -

Just an ordinary sheep who likes doing sheep things like not playing fetch or eating Pedigree Chum. Does not like burying bones or peeing on lamposts but definitely likes grass and going Baaaa! Has never done anything to Reverend Brimestone's leg. Not recently. Just a perfectly ordinary sheep.


Now, aren't the "Ladies" just lovely?

We'll be getting Crawford to let two of them go in the Carlsburg ceremony each week, until the finals, which will be broadcast live on the Lovely Day Radio Christmas Show.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet replies

Hamish has decided to deal with Big Angus Frae Up the Brae's question as a matter of urgency. He tells me that he will only be keeping the non-urgent questions for hig spot on Lovely Day Radio. So, over to Hamish now...

From Hamish, the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet:

Hello there, I have to apologise for nae replying sooner but ah've been busy with the diving and ah lost a few days after the Highland Island Entertainment Cooncil meeting. Last thing ah remember was drinking that big drum of home brew, well ah thought it was home brew but apparently it was home made tractor fuel for the up and coming tractor races. Braw eh?

Where was ah? Oh yeah - Big Angus Fae Up The Brae. Ah've examined yer cock quite thoroughly and ah can happily say that ah've come tae a diagnosis. Now mah Ladybird Pocket Guide tae Veterinary Surgery says that ah have tae be sensitive but not beat around the bush. So here goes, eh:

HE'S DEED YAH DAFT OLD CODGER! Look at him! He stinks like the gents toilets doon at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall! Man, ah've never smelled nutthin like it; he's got maggots and slime dribbling out of him. Ah tried tae flush him doon the lavvy but he got stuck and ah had tae bash him a bit with the toilet brush. In the end ah took him oot the back and burned him wi some o that tractor fuel.

Sorry for yer loss, eh. Ah'll send ye the ashes along with ma bill.
Braw.

--------------------

Yes, a very prompt reply from Hamish, and dealt with in a very sensitive manner, too. We are all looking forward to hearing more from Hamish on our resident vet spot on Lovely Day Radio, so we are.

Friday, November 17, 2006

BIG-ANGUS-UP-THE-BRAE - has a question for the vet


Hello again, lovely readers.

Today we got an email from 'Big-Angus-up-the-Brae'.

I thought you might want to read his email and ponder over its content, until our resident vet on Lovely Day Radio gets around to answering Big-Angus-up-the-Brae's problem.

---



"Hullo there Jean, It's Big Angus from up the Brae.

I've got your eggs for you, I'll chust get my usual payment later. I was just wondering if I could have a word with Hamish, so I was.

It's a wee bitty personal so it is but I know that you're discreet with these things.

I'm sure you've noticed that the eggs from my farm haven't been up to their usual standard, so they haven't. I think this may be because of the problems I've had with Trevor - my cock.

I'm sure all the ladies from the Knitting Guild remember him, especially after last year's talent show where I got him out for all to see. Poor old Elsbeth nearly had a dizzy turn...she said she hadn't seen such a big cock since the war, so she didn't.

Anyway, Big Maggie-Anne came round for her weekly visit and I went to get Trevor but disaster struck. Normally she gets very excited when I come through holding my cock but that day it was chust hanging there limp and lifeless. I was so ashamed. It had never happened to me before. Big Maggie-Anne tried her best to revive him, giving him a good rub and even tried a bit of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but to no avail.

I'm so dreadfully embarrassed over this. I was going to take him round to the primary school and show him to the children again but PC Dunnett advised me not to.

I'm sure that you'll come to a conclusion and tell me how I can get Trevor back to his former glory. It feels strange not waking up with him standing there proudly.

I'll be on my way now, so I will. I need to get round to Willie's to pick up my cooking whisky. I hope to hear back soon."

---

Tragic tale, so it is. I'm sure we all look forward to hearing the remedy from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, on the next Lovely Day Radio show.

Thank you for your email, Big Angus Up The Brae.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

THE BACHELOR

As you are aware, Crawford Minty will be “The Bachelor” in our upcoming competition. In (desperate) hope of finding a bride for Crawford, the Minty family, gentry from ‘The Big Hoose’, asked me to publish a photo of their suave and pedigreed son, posing in his more elegant years.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Daft Uisdean and Readers ...may we present to you

- The Bachelor -

Crawford Minty


Cyril Nosecone - the early flying years


Bunty Minty was sorting through her drawers today, now that she's got her antique furniture back, and she found this splendid photo of Cyril Nosecone taking his first flying lesson.

I forgot to ask Bunty but I'm wondering if that is her boy Crawford Minty lighting the jet engines at the rear, whilst Cyril prepares for take off.

Have you any comments about the photo, Cyril?

Lovely photo, Bunty dear. Thank you for that!

And speaking of photos, we'll soon be publishing details of our contestants in The Bachelor competition. Yes, images of the twelve lovely girls are ready now and a photo of Crawford Minty, too, with all his vital statistics. Stay tuned!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Highland Island Entertainment Council

Draft Minutes

Highland Island Entertainment Council and Knock Kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
November 14, 2006, Autumn Meeting

Members Present

Chairman
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department

Members-
Torquil Mor
Cyril Nosecone
Woodworm Willie
Rev. Hellman Brimstone
Daft Uisdean
Annie from The Glenpuddle & Munroe First Crofters Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnett
Dougal
Julio Fernando
Seamus the Slow Worm
The Ladies of the Church Guild
Maggie Ann MacPhee
Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver

Apologies
Ruby Hazelnut
Dorcas Mor
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Crawford Minty
Bunty Minty
Julio Fernando’s mother
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers

Call to order -
Rev. Brimstone shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.02 pm.

Salute -
Board member Torquil Mor led with the first “Slainte mhoiz,” closely followed by “Break a Leg” from Woodworm Willie, while Annie played Amazing Grace on her trombone (we think).

Announcements
Maggie Ann MacPhee made many obscene announcements during the course of the meeting and once again the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette Syndrome.

Chairman’s Report
Farquar Bogg reported that since the last meeting in February, no progress had been made on anything. Cyril Nosecone’s balls still have not been held. Ruby Hazelnut’s Dancing by Numbers Class lost count again. PC Hugh Dunnett has not solved any cases at the police station. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson has not learned any English. After 11 months and 6 days, and 6 gallons of concentrated prune juice, Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish still has not given birth. Therefore, there would be no chairman’s report.

Business
Maggie Ann shouted objections, before any business was discussed, so a bottle of Blue Nun was added to her medication.

Volunteers were requested to investigate the matter of the stolen antique furniture that was found recently in PC Hugh Dunnett’s crime detection van. Since volunteers were reluctant to interfere with the law, PC Dunnett offered to examine himself in public, exposing everything openly. Betty Morag of the Ladies’ Church Guild said that her friend, Lillian, had a stroke and asked why the other ladies were reluctant to offer support. She got everything off her chest, crying that it was all too much for Lillian on her own and asked for some extra hands. The Rev. Brimstone said that Betty Morag had touched him so much that he would definitely come. Meanwhile he would pray for the well-being of his member.

An email arrived from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, which said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood.

Julio Fernando asked if he could have a copy of the minutes translated into Spanish for his mother in Mexico City.

Big Maggie Ann’s outburst was struck from the record while a half bottle of cooking whisky was added to her IV line.

Torquil asked if anyone had seen the knock-kneed lurchers, but no one had seen them. A motion was carried forward. The committee tried to decide if it belonged to the knock kneed lurchers. Rover and Flossie, whose knees were the straightest, were blamed for the motion and the committee decided to seek training advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers.

Cyril Nosecone was asked to give a full report on the North Ronaldsay mail run for the next meeting.

Actions
Maggie Ann has to keep taking her medicine.
Daft Uisdean has to change his underpants and pick the crust off his vest.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.
Julio Fernando will enroll his mother in an ESL (English as a Second Language) course.

Next meeting
to be decided

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Seamus the slow worm completes journey

There was a joyful reunion in Ullapool today when Daft Uisdean was reunited with Seamus, his pet slow worm. Seamus had set off on a sponsored walk from Helmsdale on August 1st 1998, to help Woodworm Willie raise money for the Legless Crofters' Association. After traveling for eight years and one hundred and four days, at 1.15pm today, Seamus the slow worm finally arrived in Ullapool, raising a grand total of eight pounds fifty two pence for the Legless Crofters. The Association has decided to buy a bottle of cooking whisky with the proceeds.

Well done to Seamus the slow worm.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

New Resident Vet on Lovely Day Radio

Thank you to everyone who applied for the job as resident vet on The Lovely Day Radio Show. The position is now closed and after a long and arduous selection process, Jean has made her choice out of all the candidates.

Given his background in Marine Biology, it has been decided that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver will be allotted a regular feature as resident vet on Lovely Day Radio. Locals are invited to call in to the show, or send Hamish their animal related queries to highlandisland@verizon.net

We will keep all the other applications on file, should a similar job materialise in the future.

Well done Hamish! We look forward to your input.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The (Highland Island) Bachelor

Lovely Day Radio will soon be featuring the Highland Island's version of The Bachelor. Although we are still deciding on the identity of The Bachelor for our show, we have chosen twelve outstanding ladies that will be competing to win the affections of our lucky man.

Each week we shall have The Special Brew Ceremony where The Bachelor will give a tin of Carlsberg Special Brew to the ladies that he wishes to get to know better. The ladies without tins of Carlsberg Special Brew will be eliminated, until only one lady remains.

No expense will be spared to enable The Bachelor and his suitors to venture out on exotic dates. So keep watching for details of these exciting locations.

At the end of the show, The Bachelor will be presented with his own croft here on the island, where it is hoped that he and his chosen lady will live out their years together.

Regarding The Bachelor, we are still trying to decide between Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver, Crawford Minty, or Woodworm Willie. Cyril and I have far too many commitments with Daft Uisdean.

So, as Hamish is still recovering from his sea rescue in northern Africa, and Woodworm Willie will be busy with his night classes, we were wondering if Crawford Minty would care to participate in our programme and be The Bachelor.

Can you please sign your name in the comments box below, Crawford, if you are willing to be The Bachelor here on The Highland Island Reality Show, and then I'll send you all the necessary paperwork?

Monday, November 06, 2006

NEWS FLASH!

NEWS FLASH!

Earlier today, a raft was located drifting off the North African coast. Its three weather-beaten occupants have been transferred to the Spanish fishing vessel, El Pescador Loco.

By 6 pm, Jean at the woolshop received a ship-to-shore call from Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver to confirm that the three survivors were indeed himself, Magnus and Besinia.

More news from Hamish soon…

Woodworm Willie's Night Classes

Since the dark nights have drawn in, Woodworm Willie will be starting his night classes in the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall again. You can register for the classes tomorrow morning between 10 am – 12 noon at The Woolshop down by the ferry terminal. Sessions run for twelve weeks and a list of classes is given below.

Tuesday night 7-9pm – Tap dancing – Shoes will not be provided. You must bring your own, as Willie only has left foot size elevens.

Wednesday night 7-9 pm – Introduction to Poaching – Nets and transport are included in class enrollment fee but explosives are extra. Bring a torch and quiet wellies.

Thursday night 7-9 pm – D.I.Y. Embalming – Hurry! Due to the oncoming flu season this popular class will book up quickly - only 6 places available. Bring rubber gloves and a close acquaintance.

You will also be able to enroll, or ask questions, in the comments section below. Hurry, now!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Don't be shy

Daft Uisdean has a habit of lurking behind the blog. He has a wee peep hole at the back of the screen that he uses to watch you as you are reading.

(What's that Daft Uisdean? No, I won't tell that woman to stop picking her nose.)

I know. I know. Letting him watch you IS very disturbing, but I assure you he hasn't taken off his underpants once since we stitched them to his vest, so there is no danger of him suddenly mooning at you.

He tells me that there are a lot of new readers to the blog, though, so I'd just like to say "Welcome!" Pull up a seat and feel free to enter a comment whenever you feel creative. Anything goes, provided you wash your hands afterwards, and all comments are VERY welcome.

Now some of you have been asking Daft Uisdean (those of you who have had enough cooking whisky and can see him) why I have returned to moderating the site, instead of letting you post willy nilly all by your good selves.

No, it's not because people are posting obscenities. Simply, I wasn't noticing all your comments, so moderating allows me to see when you post something. That way you can be sure of a reply.

You see I can't be relying on Daft Uisdean to tell me everything. Between you and I, shh, he tells me lies about you.

I know. I know. It's very disturbing, but provided I let him continue to watch you through his peep hole, it stops him flashing his underpants to the tourists down at the ferry terminal.

So, if this is your first visit here, come in and have a seat. Would you be wanting a wee snortach of my cooking whisky?

Just “say when” in the comment box.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

IQ test.


Since there's a full moon looming around the corner, Jean and Daft Uisdean thought that some of you might be inspired to put your creative talents to use.

------------------------------------------------

IQ TEST -

If you wish to audition for a part as one of the Three Wise Men in the Ladies Church Guild nativity play, please complete the following IQ test.


In the comments section below - Submit a suitable lyric so that the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters Brass Ensemble, est 1862, can compose a new Christmas carol.

Yes, the winning entry will not only ensure that you get through to the finals of the auditions for a part as one of The Three Wise Men but the chosen lyric will be given a wonderful accompanying melody, composed by Annie.

The new Christmas carol will then be sung and played live on Lovely Day Radio.