THE PROPHECIES

“When the cockerel crows thrice, at the same time as the iron bird ejects a large box into the minch, a short man will hop east and find his leg.

The woman who smells of gorgonzola should beware of changes, for a dark haired man will soon ask for cranberry stilton.

A strange, odorous creature lurks in the depths of the waters off Skye, half man and half fish. The creature is known to islanders and he is the one you seek. Look west into the setting sun and you will find the creature by his silhouette.

The one who asks about money will only have one opportunity to return it. The merchant banker will seek this money, as he considers the benefits of funding a unique musical event. Funding will be granted only if the money is returned, but Coinneach Crow warns that this musical production will bring many problems to the island. A baby will be born during the production. Beware of this child for he will not be like others.

Coinneach Crow does not prophecy for personal gain, only for the greater good.

The one who is being followed should not fear. Someone is trying to return something to you.

Coinneach Crow hears noises inside a fair woman’s ear. She must remove the noises from her ear before driving inside mechanical box.

The whales! The whales! They are off course. The strange creature, half man and half fish, disrupts the harmony of the sea. Look west into the setting sun. Find his silhouette and remove the creature from the minch. Only then will whales swim straight at the channel.

Women will travel in back of mechanical box, only when dog travels in the front.

Coinneach Crow has spoken.”

The Prophecies of Coineach Crow

“Caw,” he said. “Caw, Caw.”

Dank mist embraced the hilltops like a shroud. Cold scraped at my bones, grating like the coarse tongue of an old fishwife. The sea, grey as a dirge, slapped the craggy coastline. I turned up my collar, waiting for Coinneach Crow to fix his gaze on the horizon. That would be the sign.

A gull swooped, impatiently. Oyster catchers peet peeted. The cormorant, from rocky-cliff nest of seaweed, stretched out its long neck and peered with beady eye, “is he ready?”

A glimmer brightened the eastern sky, shifting colors from aquas to jades. Olive seas turned emerald, shimmering. Sands glistened; gems, topaz, diamonds.

“Caw.” He was ready. Coinneach fixed his gaze.

“I am Coinneach!” he said.

Sand whipped around my legs, as a breeze stirred.

“Coinneach will only prophecy for the greater good,” he cawed in low drones, before spelling out all the answers that you await so eagerly.

(Call back tomorrow - Jean at the wool shop will have your answers typed up.)

COMING SOON - Prophecies from Coinneach the Crow!

Coinneach the Crow gazes wistfully out to sea, the giant energy field that provides Coinneach with his visions into the future.

Coming soon to this blog, Coinneach will be making live predictions

If you would like Coinneach to seek answers to your problems, please submit your questions in the 'comments' section.

NB - Coinneach says he cannot be responsible if your question is not answered, or for the content or reliability of his replies.

Brokeback Highland Island - The Musical

Enthusiasm for the arts escalates, here on the island.

The H.E.CK.L.E. committee have received snippets of a screen play synopsis for consideration, as an alternative theatrical production to the Jailbreaker’s Ball. The screen play is called “Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical.”

Target audience – The Church Women’s Guild, The Wool Shop Poisoned-Darts Team, Maggie Ann’s Tourette Syndrome Therapy Group, and video copies of the finished screen play will also be sent to Torquil’s clapdarnach customers on the mainland.

Cast –

Two burly poachers
Lots of village gossips

Opening Scenes –

Torquil and Woodworm Willie go poaching in the hearse. Willie gets legless on a bottle of cooking whisky and, thinking he sees a sheep, tries to kiss Torquil. Torquil says, “Och Willie, behave yourself or I’ll not be sharing this coffin with you any more.” Woodworm Willie bursts into a song from Grease “I got chills they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, ‘cause the power you're supplying… It's Electrifying! You better shape up ‘cause I need a man…And my heart is set on you.”

Torquil steals Willie’s wooden leg and Willie hops around the hearse trying to catch it.

Maggie Ann passes the hearse and shouts, “Ye pair of raging poofters!” and the local gossips begin what they do best.

The H.E.C.K.L.E. committee has, therefore, decided to hold a vote.

Will the island host a production of
a) The Jail-breaker’s Ball, or
b) Brokeback Highland Island – The Musical?

(Non committee members can also vote in the 'comments' section.)

Meeting of H.E.C.K.L.E.

Draft Minutes
Highland Entertainment Council of Knock-kneed Lurcher Enthusiasts
February 05, 2006, Extraordinary Meeting

Members Present –

Ruby Hazelnut
Torquil Mor
Woodworm Willie
Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
Mrs. Hellman Brimstone, the Rev.’s wife
Wee Janet from Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862. (standing in for Annie, who has rickets).
Jean at the Woolshop
PC Hugh Dunnet
Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Dougal
Maggie Ann MacPhee

Apologies –

Cyril Nosecone

Call to order -

Ruby Hazelnut shouted out the first round of drinks at 7.01 pm.

Salute -

Board member Woodworm Willie led with the first Slainte mhoiz, closely followed by “Skál” from Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson, while Wee Janet played Ten Green Bottles on her tuba.

Announcements –

Maggie Ann MacPhee made many announcements during the course of the meeting and the committee decided to increase her medication for Tourette syndrome.


Chairman’s Report –

Farquar Bogg reported that the main purpose of the meeting was to discuss Cyril Nosecone’s proposal to hold a Jail breaker’s Ball, or similar ball, to celebrate Willie’s early release from Porterfield Prison, so there would be no chairman’s report.

Business –

Woodworm Willie said that he and Torquil had been thinking about Cyril’s balls in some depth. They were seriously considering holding one. Maggie Ann’s response was censored. Ruby Hazelnut suggested that, instead of a ball, the committee could embark on a theatrical stage production of the Jail-breaker’s Ball. She offered to provide choreography in ‘dancing by numbers’ format, saying, “Even Daft Uisdean, when we find him, will be able to join in.” Maggie Ann shouted objections, and a double Gordon’s Gin was added to her medication. PC Dunnett offered some items from the police station for use as stage props. Woodworm Willie offered a bottle of embalming fluid and 15% off all 2005 coffin models. Jean offered twenty balls of Sirdar double knitting in forest green to be knitted up into stage underpants. Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson said, “Eg mundi vilja kaupa bjor.” Nobody understood. Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish offered to play the Virgin Mary in a manger scene, asking if it would be possible to deliver her baby live during the production. Mrs. Brimstone congratulated Kylie on her pregnancy and asked her who the proud father was. Loud coughing followed, interrupted by Maggie Ann who was silenced just in the nick of time by an intravenous injection of cooking whisky.

Torquil asked what part the knock-kneed lurchers could play. Ruby Hazelnut offered to choreograph Rover and Flossie, saying that their knees were the straightest, but she would seek advice from Nellie and her performing Jack Russell terriers. The committee decided to ask Cyril Nosecone for further suggestions on the production.

Actions –

Maggie Ann will keep taking her medicine.
Jean was to order more cheese and onion crisps and restock the back shelf with bottles of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson will bring an Icelandic - English dictionary to the next meeting.

Next meeting - Sunday 12th February.