Friday, October 30, 2009

PRESS RELEASE FROM LOCAL HEALTH CENTRE

It has come to our attention that our new locum doctor from the middle-east, Sheikh Da Bottle Ali, suffers from a previously undiagnosed case of dyslexia, resulting in some errors in recent referrals and prescriptions.

Could patients please note that artichoke is not a medical term for blocked arteries. Anyone prescribed with Miracle Grow for their artichokes should report immediately to their cardiologist for further tests.

Dr. Sheikh Da Bottle Ali has a particular problem with his ‘oids’, first discovered when irate local resident Big Maggie Ann MacPhee turned up for an appointment at the IT & PC Hardware Repair Department of the local hospital. It was soon discovered that Ms MacPhee had a thyroid complaint, and not an android condition.

However, the chef aboard the island ferry was relieved to resume his daily order of The Sun, The Daily Record and The News of World on Sundays. The reason he vomited in the broth was due to typhoid, not a tabloid.

Finally, a third ‘oid’ mistake was spotted when 'ananbolic steroids' were wrongly prescribed for 'Anna Pollock’s schizoid' condition. Anna should now be considered armed and very dangerous. Any sightings of Anna should be reported to either PC Hugh Dunnett or Sponge Bath Square Bob, who now assists part-time at the local sanitarium.

Could all recent patients who feel they have been misdiagnosed, or if you suspect a wrongly prescribed medication, please call the health centre for advice or leave a comment in the appropriate box below.

Monday, October 19, 2009

MISSING PERSON

Local entrepreneur and aviator Cyril Nosecone, age 73, was last seen on August 12th, beating grouse at a high stakes game of craps. Local police constable, Hugh Dunnett, suspects that after the final flutter, Cyril Nosecone disappeared into a grouse butt and has not been seen since.

When last seen, Cyril was wearing Harris Tweed plus-fours, a maroon, silk smoking jacket and carrying a pack of cards and a large bag of money. Cyril is below average height and might not be seen above large clumps of heather.

Anyone with any information about Cyril or his whereabouts is asked to contact the local police station.
Very guilty-looking grouse, pictured by Fred Twitter.

RECRUITMENT - JOBS VACANT


H.I.S.A. (Highland Island Space Authority) are seeking highly motivated individuals with aeronautical experience, to join their expanding team on the new space mission. (Details of mission to follow.)

Must have a good understanding of clapdarnach fuel and ignition systems, demonstrate ability to supervise large onboard flock of ewes, and prove experience and understanding of alien languages.

Must have own compass, binoculars, wet suit and crash helmet.

Apply below, in comments section, by November 15th, 2009.


(Photograph by kind permission of chief sheep astronaut Rudolpho Kuschelschaf.)




Sunday, October 11, 2009

Local fracas due to fuel shortage on the island

Wullie Spanners, proprietor of the local garage, utilised drastic measures (literally) to deal with the current fuel shortage on the island.

Assisted by Daft Uidean, Wullie was seen replacing the fuel pumps with bar optics, then dispensing fifth of a gill measures for petrol and sixth of a gill measures for diesel.

However, customers grew wary when Wullie handed out sausages on sticks and cheese canapés.

When interviewed, PC Hugh Dunnett said, “Customers began calling the station, saying that the petrol tasted suspiciously like Torquil’s cooking whisky. They were unsure if the diesel was really Torquil’s 2007 Clapdaranch Wine or if it was an older vintage.”

By early afternoon, PC Dunnett had made two arrests for breach of the peace and treason, when a pair of staggering Japanese tourist set up a karaoke machine outside Wullie's garage and began singing Sydney Devine songs. Seventeen arrests were made for being drunk and disorderly in a public place.

Commenting further, PC Dunnett asked the public for assistance. “As the jail is currently full, can all guest house owners with B&B vacancies please contact the police station? I need three non-smoking double rooms, one with sea view and mini bar, four twin rooms, two smoking and two non-smokings, and two single rooms with Jacuzzis and vegetarian breakfasts. Handcuffs will be provided until the courthouse opens on Monday morning.