NEWS FLASH ! Nessie spotted again.

Our overseas news correspondent has chist reported a sighting of Nessie. This time it was seen one mile west of the Skye bridge, on the ferry route to Raasay. Angus-Hugh MacNicol writes, “I was chist swimming along, eating my lamb vindaloo, when all of a sudden there was a giant wave. I thought it was another tsunami, but I looked down and there it was.”

Luckily, Angus Hugh had his underwater camera with him.

Over the past year there have been many more sightings off the island. Last month, Farquar Bogg, of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, was hosing down Daft Uisdean by the ferry terminal when he saw a similar large, green shape rise out of the water.

More on this story as the news unfolds….

Tonight's Raffle Prizes and Programme of Events

Here is the list of raffle prizes which will be drawn at tonight's gig at Esther MacTavish's cattle shed, at 10.15 pm after the entertainement.

1 bicycle pump
3 lady's 'very large' bras
1 can of WD40
2 cans of north Atlantic tuna
6 Slazenger tennis balls
1 masonry hammer
A copy of ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu (translated into Gaelic, of course)
1 exhaust manifold for a 1961 Sunbeam Alpine
A pair of Cheviot Hoof nail clippers
3 balls of string
A bag of Golden Wonder Cheese and Onion crisps
13 oz bag of minty Pandrops
and mother will be baking the usual fruit cake

(Note to mother - I've moved the clapdarnachs from the pantry so when you're baking you won't confuse them with the raisins, like last year.)

Now, I've chist noticed that Cyril has posted the programme for the evening entertainment. Thank you Cyril. Here it is -

At last the final line up for tonights open air christmas gig. Seating strictly limited to seven. We've had one cancelation so that means theres a seated ticket available.

8.30pm: Gates open
8.40pm: Opening address by Sammy
8.41: Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble. Est 1862.
8.45: Farquar Bogg.
9.00: Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers
9.03: Field cleared to allow Roderick in with his tractor
9.20: Magnus and Hugh sing "The Police"
9.23: Nellie and her five performing jack Russell Terriers.
9.28: Nellie and her Jack RussellTerrier perform - "getting in and out of a car the easy way"
9.45: Speech by Henry McKelvingrove - Knightswood - Taylor topic: "Belief in Ferrys - the mandate for Island living"
9.46: Field cleared to allow Sammy to bring the cows in for the night.
10.00: Closing Remarks: Torquil and Company

Apologies: Cyril and the Nosecones will not be performing as Derek insists that the song which begins "Starry starry night.." is a Christmas Carol and this has led to an irreconcilable split in the hamrony of the group.

Patrons are advised to seek their nearest fire exit bearing in mind that the nearest one might be behind you.

Cyril, I hope you don't mind me reprinting the programme. The rest of the boys in Reykjavik tune in to the blog every day for updates.

ADDRESS TO THE ISLAND, BY WOODWORM WILLIE

My fellow citizens, at this hour, Islanders and Teuchter coalition forces from the mainland are in the early stages of military operations to disarm Skye, to free its people and to defend the West-coasters from grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected pubs and off-licenses of drinking importance to undermine Archie Seamus MacLeod’s ability to wage barroom brawls. These are opening stages of what will be a drunken and blurred campaign. More than 35 people are giving crucial support -- from the use of Sammy’s landing strip and the ferry terminal both here and in Ullapool, to help with intelligence and logistics, to the deployment of quarter gills. Every teuchter in this coalition has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of serving in our common defense.

To all the men, women and village idiots of the Teuchter Armed Forces now in the Minch and the Outer Hebrides, the peace of a troubled world and the hopes of an oppressed people now depend on you. That trust is well placed.

Archie Seamus MacLeod and his band of hostile barmaids will come to know your drinking skill and tall stories. The people you liberate will witness the honorable and decent spirits from only the best distilleries. In this conflict, Islanders and Teuchters face an enemy who has no regard for last orders or closing time. Achie Seamus MacLeod has placed his camouflaged barmaids in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and village idiots as shields for his own military -- a final atrocity against the people of Skye.

I want Islanders and all the mainland to know that Teuchter coalition forces will make every effort to spare innocent sherry-drinkers from harm. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as Benbecula could be longer and more difficult than some predict. And helping Skye residents achieve a good dram, in clean glasses with free peanuts will require our sustained commitment.

We come to Skye with respect for its pubs, for their great pool tables and for the dartboards they practice on. We have no ambition in Skye, except to remove Grouse whisky, replace it with Isle of Skye and restore control of juke box to its own people.

I know that the families of our Teuchters are praying that all those who serve in the pubs will always continue to give the ‘barman’s nip’. Millions of midges are being sprayed for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the water jugs. For your loss of Archie Seamus MacLeod, you have the gratitude and respect of the Islander communities. And you can know that your husbands might, or might not, be coming home as soon as the pubs are shut.

Our Teuchters enter this conflict reluctantly -- yet, our purpose is sure. The people of the Islands and our sheep and goats will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of empty bottles, used condoms and cigarette cartons. We will meet that threat now, with our bin bags, brushes, Jeyes disinfectant, and Brillo pads, so that we do not have to meet later with the Ladies Church Guild Cleaning Committee.

Now that Jiff Lemon Dishwashing Liquid has come, the only way to limit its inflamation is to apply Swarfega Hand Cleanser and I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures, and we will accept no moisturizer but Nivea!

My fellow Teuchters, the dangers to our islands and to Skye will be overcome. We will pass through the Minch and carry on to Oban. We will defend Uig. We will bring free beer to Raasay and we will prevail.

May God bless the ferry and all who sail in her.

WELCOME HOME WILLIE !

On behalf of all the Islanders I’d like to welcome home my good friend Woodworm Willie. As many of you know, our local undertaker, Woodworm, has been in Porterfield prison wrongly accused of the premature burial of Murdo the Butcher.

Willie, who has always claimed his innocence, said to me this morning, “I’d never have made it through the sentence if it wasn’t for the book “Coffin Building from the Inside with Martha Stewart.” Woodworm Willie was greatly inspired by the book.

With the onset of the busy flu season, he will be offering a whole new range of decorated coffins, influenced by his newfound respect for Martha Stewart. Hand painted headstone baubles, casket handle cookie cutters, and strawberry flavoured embalming fluid are just some of the new accessories he’ll be offering for sale.

Willie reports that sales of his economically priced ‘build-it-yerself’ coffins have greatly improved since he added the low-cost tree saw to the package.

Anyway, Welcome home Willie. Parole regulations require Willie to partake in weekly cucumber bubble baths at the police station, but after that we’ll be heading down to the wool shop for a pint.

A Clue?

What does this mean? All around The Island we are finding these strange symbols on rock faces. Has Daft Uisdean been abducted by extraterrestrial beings from another galaxy? There's a dark and uneasy feel about the place today.

Magnus needs help to figure this one out. His tarot cards are damp. Can you decipher the meaning of these symbols for us, Cyril? Help, anyone? Is it the mark of the crow, Coinneach Crow?

EMERGENCY LANDING - Clear the Runway!

Was it a bird? No, it was Cyril, and there was smoke belching from the back of his plane. "Come in Cyril," I shouted. "Cyril, are you there?" And thankfully I got a reply. He'd left the controls chist for a moment, because his pizza was burning. Don't you chist hate that? One minute you're flying along over the Isle of Skye, whistling merrily and looking forward to a slice of pizza, and the next minute you've burned the dinner. I'm sure we can all relate to that.

Well now, our Cyril was running out of fuel, but Cyril, being the perfectionist he is, managed to take her round one last time so that he could clean up the blackened cheese with a brillo pad and do a wee bit of spring cleaning. Aye, he looks just smashing in that new knitted apron with the matching duster.

Anyway, enough about fashion trends... I'm wondering if you're okay Cyril? Sammy misjudged the length of the runway a bit. Perhaps we need to make it more than 100 yds after all. The big pothole at the start didn't help either, did it?

Chist you keep ahold of that big log. Keep kicking your legs, too, and we'll send Maggie Ann out with the boat to pick you up.

PC Hugh Dunnett is preparing one of his speciality cucumber bubble baths for you and Jean has put the kettle on.

Magnus is asking, did the fax paper get wet?

Loose screws, and what the cards say.

After close inspection of Dougal, we found that Daft Uisdean's friend had some loose screws.

Magnus laid out his tarot cards on a flat moss bank. He determined not only that someone has been tampering with Dougal's screws but a very grave situation has been unfolding here on the Island.

He laid out the Fool first. Well, we all know who that is - Daft Uisdean. Holy Moley the next card he pulled was the Wheelbarrow of Fortune! The Chariot card told Magnus that Daft Uisdean was pushing his wheelbarrow through the woods, pretending he was a Roman Emperor, which explains the missing toga from Dorcas MacGillicuddy's washing line. The Devil card appeared! Then the Moon, which lets us know that the Devil was a tourist - Daft Uisdean always moons at the tourists. The Strength card indicated a struggle, where Daft Uisdean had gallant spirit. The Two of Swords and the One of Testicles, confirms this fight. The Two of Cups suggests it was a woman (or even a female hippopotamus). Then there was the Tower card, so Magnus thinks that some woman has kidnapped Daft Uisdean to lock him in her upstairs bedroom. The final card was the Lovers, which worries us the most.

More news will be available after Magnus shuffles the cards again.

Note from Cyril Nosecone

In case anyone didn't see Cyril's addition in the comments section, I thought Cyril's note was worthy of reprinting -

"I got this fax through to my Milan office and a copy was sent to my apartments in Antigua and Moscow."If you go down to the woods today you're in for a big surprise"."

Thank you, Cyril. I've informed Hugh and Magnus, the boys in blue (powder-blue, today, with satin bodices and hand-stitched carnation motifs. ) They asked if you could fly over to the island, taking the fax with you.

I'll light the storm lanterns and clear the sheep from Sammy's new runway. Give me a couple of hours to fill in the pot holes and pick up the rubbish, too.

What does it mean?

Police Constable, Hugh Dunnett, has called for back-up assistance from the mainland, in order to crack some very unusual clues in the dissapearance of Daft Uisdean. As soon as 'Magnus the Bobby' pumps up the back tyre on his bicycle, he will catch the afternoon ferry.

A leather, pouch-style, wallet has been found, thought to be made from a kangaroo scrotum. It contains 12 assorted marbles, a cheese sandwich, and the following cryptic note "Cast on 48 stiches, using the forest-green Sirdar wool and #10 needles, and then wait by the phone box at the humpy-backed bridge for further instructions."

Does Daft Uisdean have a kangaroo scrotum? Has Daft Uisdean lost his marbles? Was Daft Uisdean cutting through the woods, on his way to the humpy-backed bridge?

"The sooner Magnus the Bobby arrives with his tarot cards the better. I'll chist put the kettle on and run Magnus a warm bath, while I wait. The cucumber bubble bath aids his concentration," said PC Hugh Dunnett.

Has anyone seen Daft Uisdean?

Around 2.34 pm yesterday, the Rev. Hellman Brimstone and 17-year-old, leggy, blonde Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish embarked on a totally innocent and absolutely platonic stroll through the woods. During their guiltless ramble, which was absolutely just for the sole purpose of a chaste and harmless walk, the two cavorters discovered Daft Uisdean’s wheelbarrow, Dougal.

As most of you will know, Dougal and Daft Uisdean are inseparable so we are all very concerned, especially since Dougal was abandoned in an upturned position. Police Constable Hugh Dunnett said, “Clearly there are signs of a struggle, and we have reason to believe there is foul play.” When asked about the foul play, he would only say that the area smelled as if two large hippopotami had been rolling in some Kimchi. Local residents are being asked to be on the look out for fermenting pickled cabbages or wallowing sounds coming from nearby bogs.

Meanwhile we are all keeping a vigil by Dougal’s side in the hope of Daft Uisdean’s safe return.

Anyone with information should click on the word "Comments" below, or click the envelope if you want to inform friends and family of Daft Uisdean's dissapearance.

Reflections - Willie, Myself and Cyril Nosecone - Part Two

Now where did I leave off with our reminiscences, Willie? Oh yes, I was talking about Daft Uisdean’s tadger. Now I’m so sorry if I offend any of you young ladies out there with the tale of Daft Uisdean’s tadger. His tadger causes such a problem at the ferry terminal on the Island. Daft Uisdean keeps flashing. It scares the tourists away and we need the tourist income on the island.

Do you remember Willie when you lost your wooden leg? Oh and Jean at the Wool Shop thought she would be able to help. Our Jean wrote an Email to the local radio station, broadcasting from the island of Skye, appealing for a pair of crutches for you. Then do you remember when the two very camp and effeminate gentlemen, clad in tight black leather, knocked on your door? That was when Jean realised her mistake in the email. She’d spelt ‘crutches’ with an ‘o’. She was very apologetic for her mistake.

And then we got the ransom note. “We have your leg and if you ever want to see it walk again you must pull out of the election. Also we want a case of whisky left by the sheddie at the ferry terminal tonight by 11.30 pm.” That was during the election, when you were running for chairperson for the annual Hogmanay party committee.

We contacted Magnus, the police constable from the mainland, and once he had pumped up the back tyre on his bicycle he caught the next ferry over. Murdo the butcher helped us coordinate a steak-out and you came up with a good idea of adding laxative to the bottles of whisky so that Magnus would have a trail to follow.

Well we enjoyed Murdo’s steak but clean forgot about the laxative in the whisky. We drank the lot. We were all suffering from dehydration and we are taking it in turns to use Jean’s bathroom there at the knitting shop.

Then the other ransom note arrived, threatening biological warfare. The note said that they will give your leg a dose of Dutch Elm disease unless we canceled the Hogmanay Party altogether. They also demanded a helicopter to be at Sammy’s pad with enough fuel to get to Ullapool.

We were so perplexed and Magnus couldn’t think of any suspects. He tried the tarot cards, we had a game of “eeie meenie minie moe, catch the ransomer by the toe”, and then we set up an identification parade down at the ferry terminal. You, Magnus and my good self stood in a row for 30 minutes but no one recognised us because some bright spark had shaved off our hair and eyebrows during the night while we were ‘under the influence’.

Finally the leg was found, hidden in a box disguised as a Christmas parcel, “To Dad, Love Daft Uisdean.” Aye your poor leg had Dutch Elm Disease, so it had. We called in Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department. Farquar began enforcing a community wide sanitation program to spray and inoculate against the Elm Bark Beetle. He showed a public information video in Jean’s wool shop, called “Nightmare on Elm Trees” narrated by Freddie MacKrueger.

Aye we had to keep all children, pets and village idiots indoors until Farquar had finished with the poisonous treatment. I was issuing gas masks for the elderly. You, Willie, began to make sure that all illegal whisky stills were covered during the chemical treatment process and Jean had to ask Daft Uisdean to take a bath, incase his fumes cause a chemical reaction. When he refused we all had to jump on him while Rev. Hellman Brimstone hosed him down.

Aye, Willie, those were the days.

Well the timer on the oven is bleeping so another batch of Christmas clapdarnachs is ready to take out.

Goodnight Willie.

Help, Cyril, the Russians are here!

Are you there Cyril? Look! I took a photograph of his boat, The Golly Bodger. It's that burly Russian guy - the one who throws Smirnoff bottles. He's anchored his rowing boat off the island and he's come ashore. The island is on a code red alert. We've posted Daft Uisdean at the jetty to round up all the tourists; the Venetian blinds are down at the Wool Shop: the still has been dismantled and hidden in the nissan huts; and Willie's dog, Tripod, is hot on the trail to track the scent of Vodka. Gossip has it that he's come for you, Cyril. Rev. Hellman Brimstone said he saw him carrying a package with a label reading, "From Russia with Love." In his other hand he held a golden gun. This is for your eyes only, Cyril. I think he's got a view to kill. Run like the Living Daylights and remember - Tomorrow Never Dies, you can Dye your hair Another Day! Run!

Breaking news - Announcing the Christmas open air gig at Esther MacTavish's cattle sheds.

A preliminary date of Friday December 23rd, has been arranged for this function. As usual it will be a B.Y.O.B.A.S.E.W - Bring Your Own Booze and Someone Else's Wife. (Single folk can improvise, but no rams, please, just ewes.)

At this very moment my good friend Cyril Nosecone is trying to organise some major artists for the gig. We are trying to book Hazel O'Connor to sing her super hit song "Wool You - just politely say goodnight?" Of course, Cyril and the Nosecones will be performing again, starring Annie who I'm told is a former member of The Glenpuddle and Munroe First Crofters Memorial Brass Ensemble, Est 1862. Other artists include a dancing display by Farquar Bogg of the Agriculture, Rumba-dancing and Sanitation Department, starring Daft Uisdean doing the Y Dance; the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers will do their award-winning rendition of Y.M.C.A. led by myself; and Magnus and Hugh of the Island Constabulary will be the judges for the open dancing competition.

More details to follow, when Cyril has something to report. Watch the "comments" section below and feel free to make suggestions yourself.

Reflections - Willie, Myself and Cyril Nosecone - Part One

I feel like writing tonight, Willie.

Perhaps, I thought, we need to take some time to stop and reflect on what has happened on the island this past last year, Willie.

Sit down on yer bunk and let me refresh your memory. It’s all been a bit hectic, 2005, hasn’t it?

Remember back around October 2004, when we were on Douglas MacLean’s web site and I told everyone about you and me…“Woodworm Willie, the local undertaker, and my good self are awfie fond of a large dram and a blether while we build the coffins and invent innovative ways to steal the local salmon, an occupation that the law on the mainland often calls ‘poaching’. Here we call it ‘fishing’.”

Ach eye, Woodworm Willie, those were the days. Then I think I said “Apart from a good trade blending local whisky, myself and Woodworm also own the only illicit supply of fuel on the island, since we don’t have any of your fancy gas stations here on The Island. A good dram poured into Willie’s bottomless tankard will often buy you enough petrol to take you at least to the ferry terminal and back again. I might also mention, though, that if you frequent the ferry terminal on The Island then you might want to keep a watchful eye out for ‘Daft Uisdean’ who is prone to exposing himself there.”

Aye, our Daft Uisdean can be a handful, so he can, Willie. So, I continued, “Woodworm and myself thought that Uisdean was exposing himself due to the little b#@tard having a complex because he had no dad. But, low and behold, right here on Douglas MacLean’s web site, last Christmas we found Daft Uisdean a father. Cyril Nosecone stepped up to the plate and claimed Daft Uisdean as his own boy, during a recent trip to the island. However, despite Cyril’s introduction to his daft boy, Uisdean, the lad still walks the jetty wall, laughing, with his tadger hanging oot.”

And wasn’t it chist from that point on that you, me and Cyril Nosecone became such good friends, Willie?

Well, it’s late here on the Island, Willie, and it will be lights out for you, too, in the prison, so I’ll continue the reminiscences tomorrow for you.

Goodnight Willie!

The 'Spring Willie' Device

After many hours at the drawing table, the St. Mary’s Ladies Church Guild thrashed out technical problems on design hitches and came up with the ‘Spring Willie Device.’ The protégé, as pictured, was finally constructed by I.P. Knightly & Co. Ltd.

It is hoped that the hydraulically operated conveyor belt will be raised to a height of 12 foot 3 inches and then lowered over the edge of the prison wall, while Willie is out doing his 10 o’clock exercises in the court yard. After Willie has completed his warm up exercises, he’ll run up the ramp to the top of the Porterfield perimeter wall. The hydraulics will then pull our Willie over the wall and lower him to the ground on the other side, where he’ll run for the blue Ford Transit van, that will be waiting nearby. Thereafter, during a 30 minute drive north, Willie will dress as a train conductor and catch the Kyle bound train from Dingwall. (Does anyone know where we can hi-jack a train conductor's unform?)

Note to Willie - Daft Uisdean will be driving the van, disguised by a green balaclava! The code words are "Agadoo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree,Agadoo-doo-doo, push pineapple, grind coffee,To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees,Come and dance every night, sing with the hula melody. "

Does that sound okay, Willie, or will we just wait for your parole to come around next Thursday?

Break-in at the Wool Shop!

In the early hours of Friday 2nd December, thieves broke into 'Jean's Wool Shop' and made an escape with 120 balls of Sirdar double knitting forest green wool, 10 cork button-making kits, two cases of Isle of Skye and 6 cartons of Benson & Hedges.

Police constable Hugh Dunnet said, "It looks like there is a fraudulent underground movement in operation here. Someone intends to disregard the island's copyright protection laws and try to knit themselves some fake knock-offs here. It's a well known fact that the latest design in knitted Christmas underpants is about to be displayed. These are hot items for copyright fraud and the public should be aware that copycat underpants might soon be on sale via disreputable sources. Tell-tale signs that you have bought a fake will be things like dropped stiches, due to the Isle of Skye, and some Benson & Hedges cigarette burns."

The photo above was taken from the shop's outside security camera and the public are being asked to come forward if they think they recognise either of the two suspicious shaddows. "It looks like the one on the left has stuffed the items up his coat in order to avoid detection," added PC Dunnet.

Does anyone know the answer to 16 down in today's Island Times? I think it's one of those cryptic clues.

16D (11 letters) "Ach, but first lets hear it for the sock fix."

One-Lug Doug Wins at Show!

One-Lug Doug won first prize at the annual St Andrew's Day Clapdarnach Fair, producing 3lbs 5 ozs of Clapdarnachs in the allotted 4 hours.

Judge Esther MacTavish said, "I've never seen such fine clapdarnachs," as she draped the winning sash around Doug's neck.

One-Lug Doug's owner, Torquil Mor from Caora Croft, said that sucess was due to Doug's new pre-competition low fat/high fibre diet of grilled turnip marinated in Carlsberg Special Brew.

Torquil will be using the prize money to take One-Lug Doug on a celebratory trip to the mainland.

Extract from The Island Times - 1/12/2005

There are three things that you need to know about 'The Island' -

1. Jean's Wool Shop also serves as the local pub, the police station and funeral home.
2. If you see Daft Uisdean at the ferry terminal, standing on the jetty wall, look away.
3. Clapdarnach Incense Sticks will definitely be on sale in time for Christmas.
4. Woodworm Willie is innocent!