As lockdown eases its grip on the island, controversy takes hold once more.
Doors unlock for the first time in months. Shutters creak open. Curtains twitch. The islanders venture forth again.
Big Maggie Ann steps out from the dark of her front lobby and on to her door step. Like a giant grizzly bear waking from hibernation, she raises her arms, stretching them high above her head and yawns. Her single yellow tooth protrudes with all the prowess of a rhino horn (minus the aphrodisiac content, of course). Maggie sniffs the morning air, then lowers her arms and shuts her mouth. She staggers backward, nauseated by a putrid smell. Even Maggie could tell that the time had come to scrub her armpits and brush her tooth.
Maggie turns to re-enter her home, when a commotion down The Lane stops her mid move. She cranes her neck back outside once more and bellows out, "You alright down there Magnus?"
Earlier that morning, Magnus the Bobby had pumped up his bicycle tyre and cycled to the scene of a complaint, down The Lane. Magnus now sniffs the air, covers his nose with his police-issue cotton handkerchief and answers.
"Get back inside, Big Maggie. There's an awful whiff in the air and I'm here on official police business."
"Now Magnus, last time you came sniffing round here, Daft Uisdean was conceived."
Magnus the Bobby rushes to her door. "Hush Maggie. Lower your voice." He looks left and right before whispering. "Maggie, you know I'm not the boy's father."
Maggie whispers back. "I'll be quiet if you tell me what you are doing down The Lane."
"Okay, its..."
"It's what? Spit it out Magnus." Maggie opens her mouth and threatens him with her yellow tooth.
Magnus the Bobby cowers. "Okay. Okay. It's the little boy who lives down The Lane. We've had a tip off... about numerous bags of sheep wool there."
"Numerous bags?" asks Maggie.
"Yes. The tip off came from BaBa, the black sheep on Torquil's croft. He said that he only had three bags full of wool. He gave one to his Master, Torquil, and one to the Dame that lives with Wullie Spanners. The little boy who lives down The Lane should have the other remaining bag. But, the black sheep reckons that the little boy who lives down The Lane has seventy three bags of wool! So, I'm here on official police business to count the bags."
"Can you count that high, Magnus?" asks Maggie.
Magnus ignores Maggie's insult, licks his pencil lead and refers to his black notebook. " I counted one bag of black wool and seventy two bags of white."
"So... what's the problem? The boy who lives down The Lane does have BaBa black sheep's other one bag of wool. Never mind about the other seventy two bags."
Magnus splutters and chokes. His face reddens and blue veins begin to protrude on his forehead. "Maggie! You cant say never mind. This is a clear case of colour prejudice against black sheep and an outright bias towards white sheep."
"But Magnus... BaBa is the only black sheep we have on the Highland Island. If all the other sheep are white then they cant produce black wool."
"Precisely!" Magnus snaps his notebook shut and returns it to his breast pocket.
"You've lost me there, Magnus."
Magnus tucks his thumbs under his arm pits, sticks out his elbows and struts like a rooster. "Clear case of colour prejudice and inequality. Once I've pumped up the tyre on my bicycle again, I'm on my way to Torquil's croft to tell him."
"Tell him what?"
"Isn't it obvious Maggie? Torquil needs to import at least seventy one more black sheep to fix this blatant inequality. And, immediately!"
Maggie grins one of her wicked toothy grins. She taps Magnus the Bobby on the shoulder and tells him to turn around.
Magnus spins around on his police-issue brogues, stumbles to the ground and lands face to face with a pink sheep, a sparkly gold sheep and several preened multi-coloured sheep.
"Hi there," said the sheep. "So, you'll be telling Torquil that he needs more gay sheep, bi-sexual sheep, trans gender sheep, trans-sexual sheep and queer sheep, too?"
Big Maggie Ann shuts her door on a bemused and speechless Magnus, as she retires inside to scrub her armpits and brush her tooth.
