Due to popular demand for more instructions on dance - Ruby Hazelnut will be resuming her ‘dancing by numbers’ class in the back room of the wool shop. The classes will be on Tuesday nights. We have plenty people enrolled for the popular numbers, like twos, threes and fives, but we still need people to dance numbers one, four, and six.
How ‘dancing by numbers’ works:
Below are the dance code instructions, together with names of those already enrolled –
One – put your right foot in –
Two – put your right foot out – Torquil, Jean and Big Annie
Three – put your left foot in – Daft Uisdean, Murdina and Woodworm Willie
Four – shake it all about –
Five – do the hokey cokey – Rev. Hellman Brimstone and Kylie Madonna Britney Dolly MacTavish
Six – turn around -
If we don’t get more volunteers to be number ones, Murdina has volunteered to put both of her feet in at the same time. Daft Uisdean has offered to stand in as a number four, to shake it all about, but we only agreed to that on condition that a) we can find him, and b) he keeps his knitted underpants on when he shakes it all about. So far, no one has offered to turn around in Daft Uisdean’s company.
Instructions – when Ruby Hazelnut taps you with her stick, saying your number, you follow the step instructions according to your number. (e.g. she has just tapped Big Annie and… no Annie you are not supposed to hit her back. Okay another example… she has just tapped Jean so Jean has put her right foot in. Now she's tapping Willie, etc.) Soon, with practice, Ruby hopes that everyone will be keeping time to the record player.
Ruby Hazelnut dancing FAQs
Q) What happens if you put your right foot in twice and can no longer put it in again?
A) Good question, and we will be looking into this.
Q) Can you define the hokey cokey because I think that the Rev. Brimstone and Kylie are doing something else?
A) Oh yes, excuse me Rev. Brimstone, Kylie can keep her clothes on for this one.
Q) When is last orders?
A) That will be when Ruby Hazelnut taps her stick on the beer keg, to the beat of 'ta-ta-tatty-ta,' followed by her unique one-legged version of the common 'pas de basque'.
Q) How can Woodworm Willie put his left foot in when he doesn't have one?
A) Ruby says that dance is "open to one's own spiritual interpretation" and, therefore, Willie can put his wooden leg in.
Q) Why does nobody put their left foot out?
A) We have a jump in the 45 rpm record at that bit, so it won't be necessary.
New dancing enthusiasts welcome! Compulsory, but free, leotards will be given out on a ‘first come first best dressed’ basis, with options of sparkle pink, daffodil yellow, MacDuff tartan or pin striped business grey.
Are you interested, Cyril?
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
CLAPDARNACH FAQs
Christmas season orders for the Clapdarnach Incense Cones were well up on last year.
Due to the popularity of my Clapdarnachs I’ve been receiving a lot of mail, asking for more details about the manufacturing process. I can’t give away all the secrets but I thought I would post some popular FAQs.
Q. At what age do you do perform crutching on your sheep?
A. Well, that’s a very interesting question. As many of you know, crutching is when you shave the fleece from the sheep’s under tail and hind legs, to prevent dangleberry staining. The answer is, therefore, I don’t do any crutching. I harvest my clapdarnachs straight from the sheep and this area of fleece is important to their housing.
Q. What time of year is best for clapdarnach harvesting?
A. Harvesting is a year round process, but we don’t do it on Sundays until after church or until last orders have been called and all the glasses have been washed and put away at the wool shop. The weather must be dry, in order for the clapdarnachs to keep their firm shape.
Q. Do you brush your teeth before harvesting?
A. Ah, yes, good question and I know where you are coming from here. The answer is NO, never, unless the toothpaste is cinnamon flavour. A crofter’s Number One Rule is to always remember that the smell of mint is terrifying to a lamb.
Q. My lambs have been exposed to the smell of Minty Tic Tacs. What should I do? Can you recommend a good therapist?
A. Try Murdina at the Butcher’s shop. She has chust completed Part One of the “Onions Without Tears” cookery course called – Oven Ready Lamb Without Bleats. Meanwhile keep all Polos and Extra Strong Pandrops well out of range.
Q. How do you get that delicate kipper aroma on the Smoke-cured Santa’s Raindrop Clapdarnachs? I bought some for my girlfriend’s mother and her cats chust love it.
A. Ah, now I can’t be giving away secrets on the smoking process, but it’s all to do with the age of the sheep’s urine that I use to marinade the wood chips.
Keep the questions coming, and I’ll publish the best ones.
Due to the popularity of my Clapdarnachs I’ve been receiving a lot of mail, asking for more details about the manufacturing process. I can’t give away all the secrets but I thought I would post some popular FAQs.
Q. At what age do you do perform crutching on your sheep?
A. Well, that’s a very interesting question. As many of you know, crutching is when you shave the fleece from the sheep’s under tail and hind legs, to prevent dangleberry staining. The answer is, therefore, I don’t do any crutching. I harvest my clapdarnachs straight from the sheep and this area of fleece is important to their housing.
Q. What time of year is best for clapdarnach harvesting?
A. Harvesting is a year round process, but we don’t do it on Sundays until after church or until last orders have been called and all the glasses have been washed and put away at the wool shop. The weather must be dry, in order for the clapdarnachs to keep their firm shape.
Q. Do you brush your teeth before harvesting?
A. Ah, yes, good question and I know where you are coming from here. The answer is NO, never, unless the toothpaste is cinnamon flavour. A crofter’s Number One Rule is to always remember that the smell of mint is terrifying to a lamb.
Q. My lambs have been exposed to the smell of Minty Tic Tacs. What should I do? Can you recommend a good therapist?
A. Try Murdina at the Butcher’s shop. She has chust completed Part One of the “Onions Without Tears” cookery course called – Oven Ready Lamb Without Bleats. Meanwhile keep all Polos and Extra Strong Pandrops well out of range.
Q. How do you get that delicate kipper aroma on the Smoke-cured Santa’s Raindrop Clapdarnachs? I bought some for my girlfriend’s mother and her cats chust love it.
A. Ah, now I can’t be giving away secrets on the smoking process, but it’s all to do with the age of the sheep’s urine that I use to marinade the wood chips.
Keep the questions coming, and I’ll publish the best ones.
Monday, January 02, 2006
First Haggis Egg of 2006 !
Happy New Year - The island's first haggis egg of the new year was laid at 12.06 am and weighed in at 13 ozs. The proud parents, both green-rumped rooting haggi, are doing well and the egg is expected to hatch in a few weeks.
Congratulations to the proud parents!
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