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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Lighthouse found!
"At last!" I hear you say. "We can finally stop all our groping in the dark."
Cyril Nosecone has just reported that the lighthouse is safe and well and was delivered down his chimney on Christmas morning.
He's now asking for volunteers to help with its relocation back to the rocky headland. So, once you have dispensed with your excesses of cooking whisky, turkey vindaloo and stale mince pies, could you all be washing behind your ears and lining up in a neat row down at the ferry terminal, complete with warm knitted underwear, shovels and plumb lines (we don't want any leaning lighthouses)?
In other words, once the Christmas overages are out, the pre-Christmas outages will be over, (and then we can say "over and out" to the coast guard mannie, who now insists that the lighthouse is still missing.)
NB - Applications are now being accepted again for light housekeeping duties.
Cyril Nosecone has just reported that the lighthouse is safe and well and was delivered down his chimney on Christmas morning.
He's now asking for volunteers to help with its relocation back to the rocky headland. So, once you have dispensed with your excesses of cooking whisky, turkey vindaloo and stale mince pies, could you all be washing behind your ears and lining up in a neat row down at the ferry terminal, complete with warm knitted underwear, shovels and plumb lines (we don't want any leaning lighthouses)?
In other words, once the Christmas overages are out, the pre-Christmas outages will be over, (and then we can say "over and out" to the coast guard mannie, who now insists that the lighthouse is still missing.)
NB - Applications are now being accepted again for light housekeeping duties.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Still Missing!
Wullie Spanners was out at the rock, where the lighthouse used to be, and has confirmed that there is definitely no lighthouse there.
(I hope you don't mind me using your photo, Wullie?)
As everyone knows, Wullie Spanners is a reputable second hand car salesman and, despite a few pending court cases, would never intensionally sell you a lemon, short change his customers, alter milometers, switch number plates and re-spray stolen vehicles, or possess a cooking whisky still in the shed behind the garage.
Friday, December 15, 2006
NEW CHRISTMAS LIGHT DISPLAY
Last night, at a special ceremony down by the ferry terminal, the Christmas light display was switched on by our special guest of honor, Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson of the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers.
Once again, my friend Hans Neezenboompzadazen, from Amsterdam, has provided us with a stunning selection of lights in glowing red. We are most grateful to Hans for supplying the island with these Christmas lights at such a low cost.
Rev. Brimstone gave thanks and closed his prayer by saying that he hoped overseas tourists would feel welcomed by the addition of the large red sign hanging over the church hall, reading “Rood lichtdistrict’. (Hans informs us that this means “joy to mankind” in Dutch.)
The international appeal of our sign has already proven itself, as the Polish bridesmaids in our community are lured to stand beneath it every night. Acting as tour guides, our Polish ladies have been escorting visitors to the back of the church hall to appreciate it from the rear.
“Takings in the church collection plate have mysteriously escalated to extraordinary amounts, and this truly must be ‘a sign from above’,” said Rev. Brimstone.
Following the ceremony, the new disco ball was also switched on at The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, where Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson and the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers gave a stunning display of the YMCA song, choreographed by Daft Uisdean.
Once again, my friend Hans Neezenboompzadazen, from Amsterdam, has provided us with a stunning selection of lights in glowing red. We are most grateful to Hans for supplying the island with these Christmas lights at such a low cost.
Rev. Brimstone gave thanks and closed his prayer by saying that he hoped overseas tourists would feel welcomed by the addition of the large red sign hanging over the church hall, reading “Rood lichtdistrict’. (Hans informs us that this means “joy to mankind” in Dutch.)
The international appeal of our sign has already proven itself, as the Polish bridesmaids in our community are lured to stand beneath it every night. Acting as tour guides, our Polish ladies have been escorting visitors to the back of the church hall to appreciate it from the rear.
“Takings in the church collection plate have mysteriously escalated to extraordinary amounts, and this truly must be ‘a sign from above’,” said Rev. Brimstone.
Following the ceremony, the new disco ball was also switched on at The Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall, where Jóhann Þór Jóhannsson and the Asiatic Eskimos of Reykjavik Disco Dancers gave a stunning display of the YMCA song, choreographed by Daft Uisdean.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
REGRETS from Jean
Hello there readers. It’s Jean here from the woolshop, again.
I would just like to explain my regrets to the Polish bridesmaids, why I was unable to fulfill their order for six dozen pairs of one-size-fits-all, crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants in Sirdar Double knitting, racy green, fashioned with a number 10 knitting needle.
If I were to accept the job to make all these crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants, I would be doing a great disservice to Agnes Joy at the laundry, whose livelihood depends on scrubbing gussets.
It has been explained to me in no uncertain terms that if substantial quantities of gussets were to suddenly drop, then Agnes Joy’s services would no longer be required.
I do hope the Polish ladies understand.
Regards
Jean
I would just like to explain my regrets to the Polish bridesmaids, why I was unable to fulfill their order for six dozen pairs of one-size-fits-all, crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants in Sirdar Double knitting, racy green, fashioned with a number 10 knitting needle.
If I were to accept the job to make all these crotchless, hand-knitted, bikini pants, I would be doing a great disservice to Agnes Joy at the laundry, whose livelihood depends on scrubbing gussets.
It has been explained to me in no uncertain terms that if substantial quantities of gussets were to suddenly drop, then Agnes Joy’s services would no longer be required.
I do hope the Polish ladies understand.
Regards
Jean
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Jean's tip for the flu season
Don’t wait until it’s a week old. At first sign of your wee cold, check to see if you have a wee cough, too. If you have a week off, then that should help.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Questions for the "ladies".
Jean, at Lovely Day Radio, has been asked to set four questions for the ten remaining girls to answer in the competition to win the affections of our Bachelor, Crawford Minty.
We’re hoping, based on their answers, this will help Mr. Minty decide who he will pick to continue to the next round.
Here are the questions –
1. Bunty Minty is very possessive of her son, our Bachelor Crawford, so how would you ensure some romantic time alone with Crawford?
2. What is your favourite romantic song?
3. Mr. Minty has a ravenous appetite, so he does, so how would you satisfy his midnight cravings?
4. How many crofters does it take to steal a lighthouse?
Please, can the girls reply to these questions in the comments section so that Mr. Minty can get a better insight into his lovely ladies' personailities?
We’re hoping, based on their answers, this will help Mr. Minty decide who he will pick to continue to the next round.
Here are the questions –
1. Bunty Minty is very possessive of her son, our Bachelor Crawford, so how would you ensure some romantic time alone with Crawford?
2. What is your favourite romantic song?
3. Mr. Minty has a ravenous appetite, so he does, so how would you satisfy his midnight cravings?
4. How many crofters does it take to steal a lighthouse?
Please, can the girls reply to these questions in the comments section so that Mr. Minty can get a better insight into his lovely ladies' personailities?
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Getting back to Minty...
Under strict supervision by his mother, Bunty, Crawford Minty chose the following ten contestants to progress to the next round of The Bachelor.Agnes Joy
Barbara
Florrie
Gertie
Hazel
Helga
Jessie Mary
Lilian
Nancy
Rachel
Moonbeam and Winifred have been eliminated.
We now eagerly await Minty’s second choice. Details of the next two beauties to be eliminated will follow soon.
...back to the missing lighthouse...
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
REWARD OFFERED!
Please help us find the lighthouse.
A handsome reward is being offered for the safe return of the missing lighthouse. Yes, donated goods and services are flooding in to increase the incentive.
- Woodworm Willie is donating a bag of brass handles and wiper blades for the new biodegradable Down Under IV Super Thrust Coffin.
- Murdina from the Butcher’s shop is donating 10 lb of her new recipe cinnamon and cream of herring sausages.
- I will be donating 2 boxes of the popular lamb and mint clapdarnach incense cones.
- Jean at the woolshop has offered her knitting services to make a pair of made-to-measure underpants in Sirdar racing green double knitting wool.
- Wullie Spanners has agreed to throw in a set of spark plugs and a right door and wing for a Ford Anglia.
- Lovely Day Radio will make and air one commercial business advert, with the aid of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862.
PC Hugh Dunnett has followed a number of promising leads but, so far, nothing has come to light.
Daft Uisdean, thinking he could claim the reward, dragged an ‘out’house up to the police station, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Legge who was still inside powdering her nose. Also, various barber poles have been submitted for inspection but, although all were the right colour combination, PC Hugh Dunnett eventually decided that each were too short and too skinny to be a lighthouse.
The Coastguard mannie is currently ‘helping with enquiries’ down at the Police station, Hamish the bearded clam diver is dredging the harbour for signs of any submerged lighthouses, Crawford Minty continues to floss his teeth in preparation for the next round of The Bachelor, and Cyril Nosecone is performing inland sweeps in his plane “"The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," in case the lighthouse wandered ashore.
Stay vigilant and help us in our search.
Flash cards are available, as teaching aids, for anyone who is still unsure how to identify a blinking light.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
DAFT UISDEAN IN TROUBLE AGAIN!
Daft Uisdean is being questioned at the local police station, by PC Hugh Dunnett, over some alleged fraudulent transactions. It is expected that Daft Uisdean will be told to go and stand in the corner of the police cell for misleading the public over his new business venture – a Self Amusement Park.
PC Hugh Dunnett was called to the scene of a large and impatient queue, waiting at the gate to Jessie MacTavish’s field. The crowd complained that they were growing tired of amusing themselves in a queue outside a gate, leading to an empty field. Meanwhile, Daft Uisdean had fleeced five quid per person to stand in the queue to his self amusement park.
It is hoped that a long stand in the corner of the police cell will lessen Daft Uisdean’s own self amusement over the matter, but he has since found some belly button fluff and a loose thread in his hand-knitted green underpants to play with and is frustratingly content.
Daft Uisdean, who is a part-time sound engineer for Lovely Day Radio, is also being questioned over an incident that occurred recently during his employment as apprentice at Wullie Spanners' garage. When asked to polish the windows of the prized Meinisters Standard Vanguard, recently repainted by Wullie’s technicians, Daft Uisdean began searching for the newspaper and vinegar and inadvertently destroyed Wullie’s valuable collection of early edition Playboy magazines. A tearful Wullie Spanners said that his early edition centerfold of Barbara Woodhouse was completed ruined, as he scraped her acidic left thigh from the rear window of his Meinsters Standard Vanguard.
Questions are also being raised as to whether Daft Uisdean’s attempts to flush away the evidence of Wullie’s ruined Playboy magazines, was also responsible for Wullie’s recent septic tank back up. Daft Uisdean is therefore being asked to contribute to the cost of Wullie’s best boiler suit being sent to the cleaners.
Agnes Joy, who is responsible for scrubbing gussets down at the laundry, informs us that Wullie Spanners' boilersuit is nearly dry now, though, and once she has pressed it she will pop it over to him on the back of her bicycle.
PC Hugh Dunnett was called to the scene of a large and impatient queue, waiting at the gate to Jessie MacTavish’s field. The crowd complained that they were growing tired of amusing themselves in a queue outside a gate, leading to an empty field. Meanwhile, Daft Uisdean had fleeced five quid per person to stand in the queue to his self amusement park.
It is hoped that a long stand in the corner of the police cell will lessen Daft Uisdean’s own self amusement over the matter, but he has since found some belly button fluff and a loose thread in his hand-knitted green underpants to play with and is frustratingly content.
Daft Uisdean, who is a part-time sound engineer for Lovely Day Radio, is also being questioned over an incident that occurred recently during his employment as apprentice at Wullie Spanners' garage. When asked to polish the windows of the prized Meinisters Standard Vanguard, recently repainted by Wullie’s technicians, Daft Uisdean began searching for the newspaper and vinegar and inadvertently destroyed Wullie’s valuable collection of early edition Playboy magazines. A tearful Wullie Spanners said that his early edition centerfold of Barbara Woodhouse was completed ruined, as he scraped her acidic left thigh from the rear window of his Meinsters Standard Vanguard.
Questions are also being raised as to whether Daft Uisdean’s attempts to flush away the evidence of Wullie’s ruined Playboy magazines, was also responsible for Wullie’s recent septic tank back up. Daft Uisdean is therefore being asked to contribute to the cost of Wullie’s best boiler suit being sent to the cleaners.
Agnes Joy, who is responsible for scrubbing gussets down at the laundry, informs us that Wullie Spanners' boilersuit is nearly dry now, though, and once she has pressed it she will pop it over to him on the back of her bicycle.
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