A fresh rumour just in from The Ladies’ at the Church Guild suggests that the eldest two Spanners sisters, Mini and Shelly, have purchased the vacant property next to Murdina’s Butcher’s shop.
Further tittle-tattle guarantees that their old man, Wullie Spanners, was seen erecting a sign above the front door, saying “Fix ‘Em or Stuff ‘Em Animal Clinic”.
As I’m sure all islanders know, Shelly Spanners is a vet and Mini Spanners is a taxidermist.
Their new neighbour, Murdina at the butcher’s shop, said, “I’d like to wish the girls all the best in their new animal clinic. If I can be of any assistance to their business, please tell them to bang on the wall and I’ll give them a good price per pound on left overs.”
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Lighthouse Vanishes Again
If anyone has any information about the recent disappearance of the lighthouse, again, please contact PC Hugh Dunnett.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Extracts from Monday's Highland Island News
Sponge Bath Square Bob has opened a new sauna at the rear of Wullie Spanners' garage. Early reports are positive, saying that many islanders are lying steaming outside the garage.
Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.
Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.
Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.
Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.
Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.
Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.
Friday, April 06, 2012
Chinese Whispers
I have been asked to read a statement to clear up a small misunderstand, on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away Van, parked at the ferry terminal.
(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.
Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.
But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"
According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners
But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.
“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"
And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)
Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.
“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”
(You see, Big Maggie Ann has spent hour upon hour snorkelling at the pier, in search of her son, Daft Uisdean.
Apparently, Maggie said that Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver told her, ‘A smirch of an indiscretion occurred when Uisdean was breast-stroke swimming up the West Coast and his head, his knees and his foot were stuck in the hole of a lobster pot’.
But, Hamish-the-Bearded-Clam-Diver denied it. “Naw, Big Maggie misheard me. I told her Wullie Spanners said that ‘Daft Uisdean’s lurcher peed on his coat and his vest below, which are now wringing, because his foot was stuck in the fly recession of his boxer shorts.’"
According to Wullie Spanners, though, that's not what he said, either. Rev. Brimstone phoned him to say that Uisdean wouldn’t be into work. "The Rev. said, 'Lo and behold, Uisdean’s left you in the lurch. He’s snuck off on foot on the fly, up the ebb of the west coast to clear his head and breathe in a decompression box ’." said Wullie Spanners
But, then Rev. Brimstone denied saying anything about breathing in a decompression box. “The Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle reported to me, ‘Daft Uisdean is lying with both feet stuck, clinging low in a web, after free-flying like a ghost above the church confession box’." said Rev. Brimstone.
“No No, you have it wrong, minister.” said Annie, on behalf of the ladies. “When Murdina at the butcher’s told me about Uisdean, I said, ‘In the name of the church and the Holy Ghost! Did you say ‘Uisdean’s webbed feet were being fried with egg by Fi Ling Lo, as he’s running out of Peking Duck?’"
And, Murdina said, “Yes.”)
Here is the notice on behalf of Fi Ling Lo, down at the Lim Ping Dragon Chinese Take-Away.
“I definitely not fly web feet in Peking Duck.”
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Local Job Centre - Positions Vacant
Vacant Position - Shepherd Spy
Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.
Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.
Seasoning will be provided.
Torquil is looking for a Shepherd Spy.
Candidates who are interested in being a Shepherd Spy should arrive at the croft, no later than an hour and a half before Sunday lunch, complete with a 3lb bag of Golden Wonders, 1lb of lean steak mince, one onion, a stock cube and a pair of binoculars.
Seasoning will be provided.
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