-Have you been jilted by Wullie Spanners lately?
-Is there something that you need to get off your chest about Wullie Spanners?
-Do you have a secret crush on Wullie Spanners?
-Has Wullie Spanners been unfaithful to you?
-Has Wullie Spanners been servicing more than you wife's car?
-Is Wullie Spanners the father of your child?
-Need a date with Wullie Spanners?
Write to Daft Uisdean about it, in the comments section below...
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 09, 2010
In Memoriam - The Highland Island News, Thursday 9th September, 2010
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 - Unfaithful husband to Millicent and father to more than half of the island. Even when we close our eyes, there’s an image of your face. We’ve already said our goodbyes. So go and haunt some other place! - Millicent Marjoribanks.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009 – Lover to Big Maggie Ann - No pen could write. No tongue could tell, my sad and bitter loss. But Gordon’s Gin, has helped so well. Now I dinnae give a toss. Frae Big Maggie Ann.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks – Died in the arms of Annie, with her trombone. I think of you in silence. No eyes can see me weep. Coz, what a cheating sod you were… I’m glad you’re 6ft deep. Love Annie.
Winston Marjoribanks - You said you had a heart of gold. And, so I changed your manifold. You said you were generous, loving and kind. Then you left these unpaid bills behind. - Wullie Spanners at the garage (Still owed 16 shillings and 10 pence).
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart - Walled in our hearts, there’s a garden, where memories bloom and stay. Then there’s the compost heap, where we buried you, getting smellier every day. – Woodworm Willie Funeral Services.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 I knitted soft green underpants. You said you wore them often. So I knitted you another pair, to wear inside your coffin. - Jean at the Wool Shop.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009. If I could have one wish today, it would not be for gold. It would be to reclaim haggis, that I’ve think I’ve gone and sold. I minced your leg in error, when they stuck you in my fridge. The mortuary was full that day. Isn’t life a bitch? – Murdina at the Butcher’s Shop.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009 – Lover to Big Maggie Ann - No pen could write. No tongue could tell, my sad and bitter loss. But Gordon’s Gin, has helped so well. Now I dinnae give a toss. Frae Big Maggie Ann.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks – Died in the arms of Annie, with her trombone. I think of you in silence. No eyes can see me weep. Coz, what a cheating sod you were… I’m glad you’re 6ft deep. Love Annie.
Winston Marjoribanks - You said you had a heart of gold. And, so I changed your manifold. You said you were generous, loving and kind. Then you left these unpaid bills behind. - Wullie Spanners at the garage (Still owed 16 shillings and 10 pence).
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart - Walled in our hearts, there’s a garden, where memories bloom and stay. Then there’s the compost heap, where we buried you, getting smellier every day. – Woodworm Willie Funeral Services.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart 1940 – 2009 I knitted soft green underpants. You said you wore them often. So I knitted you another pair, to wear inside your coffin. - Jean at the Wool Shop.
Lord Winston Marjoribanks Bart – Died 9th September 2009. If I could have one wish today, it would not be for gold. It would be to reclaim haggis, that I’ve think I’ve gone and sold. I minced your leg in error, when they stuck you in my fridge. The mortuary was full that day. Isn’t life a bitch? – Murdina at the Butcher’s Shop.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Installation of New Automatic Barmaid
Our news reporter, Annie, from the local Church Guild Knitting (read Gossip) Group, conducted interviews down at the ferry terminal to determine the success of the new automatic barmaid that has just been installed down at the hotel.
Annie approached a burly Glaswegian, known as Tam the Dram. “Excuse me, Tam, could you tell me what you think of the new barmaid down at the hotel?”
“’Please remove the item from your basket and scan again.’ Thon new automatic barmaid says the same bloody thing, over and over. ’Listen, Darling,’ I telt her ‘I cannae dae that coz ma glass is empty noo, an a I wannanutherun NOW nae taemorrasmorra.’”
“And did she listen to you, Tam?” asked Annie.
“Naw, so I tried to leave the hotel in disgust. But, as I went through the door thon alarm gaes aff. Bloody Nee Naw Nee Naw and aw that.”
“Why did the alarm sound, Tam?”
“Cause I’d drunk ma dram before I pit ma glass in the bagging area,” said Tam, adding, “We’re aw fed up o drinking at the hotel now. ‘Return item to the bagging area’ she says till she duz ma heid in.”
“Have you any other comments to make about the automatic barmaid, Tam?”
“Aye, bring back thon wee wumun wi the big tits and get rid o thon machine. Ye cannae scan a pint o heavy withoot yon machine calling for a customer service advisor.”
“Why is that, Tam?”
“Cause its too heavy! Apparently, Health and Safety regulations now says ye need safety goggles and yer Moving and Handling ticket to pick it up.”
So what’s the way forward, Tam?”
“Ach, I’m aff tae visit Torquil for a wee dram o his homemade Clapdarnach wine.”
Annie approached a burly Glaswegian, known as Tam the Dram. “Excuse me, Tam, could you tell me what you think of the new barmaid down at the hotel?”
“’Please remove the item from your basket and scan again.’ Thon new automatic barmaid says the same bloody thing, over and over. ’Listen, Darling,’ I telt her ‘I cannae dae that coz ma glass is empty noo, an a I wannanutherun NOW nae taemorrasmorra.’”
“And did she listen to you, Tam?” asked Annie.
“Naw, so I tried to leave the hotel in disgust. But, as I went through the door thon alarm gaes aff. Bloody Nee Naw Nee Naw and aw that.”
“Why did the alarm sound, Tam?”
“Cause I’d drunk ma dram before I pit ma glass in the bagging area,” said Tam, adding, “We’re aw fed up o drinking at the hotel now. ‘Return item to the bagging area’ she says till she duz ma heid in.”
“Have you any other comments to make about the automatic barmaid, Tam?”
“Aye, bring back thon wee wumun wi the big tits and get rid o thon machine. Ye cannae scan a pint o heavy withoot yon machine calling for a customer service advisor.”
“Why is that, Tam?”
“Cause its too heavy! Apparently, Health and Safety regulations now says ye need safety goggles and yer Moving and Handling ticket to pick it up.”
So what’s the way forward, Tam?”
“Ach, I’m aff tae visit Torquil for a wee dram o his homemade Clapdarnach wine.”
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