Seamus Snotterach , dietician and author of “The Stravagan Diet”, has popped in for a wee cuppa tea and to offer some suggestions for Valentine’s Day gifts.
“Hello there Seamus Snotterach, and how’s yersell today?”
“Aye, I’m grand, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ve got one or two ideas for the discerning gentleman to give to his lady friend this Valentine’s Day. Would you like me to read through the list?”
“Fire away there, Seamus, but before you begin, I can’t help noticing that yer getting awful thin, yerself. Are you getting enough protein, since you’ve started this new 'Stravagan Diet' fad?”
“Och aye, dinnae forget that I’m a Snotterach and although we pick away at our greens, there’s plenty protein to be found if you dig deep enough.”
“Very good Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for the demonstration. I’ll get a box of tissues for your finger. Meanwhile, you can read your list.”
“Right then. Here’s No.3 on my list – Is your woman a sight for sore eyes? If so then why not buy yourself a wee remedy from www.conjunctivitis.com They have everything from EXTRA DARK GLASSES (so you can be as shifty as you like) to DROPS (either local and not too high, or deep canyons where she’ll never be found).”
“But, do you think these are appropriate gifts for Valentine’s Day, Seamus?”
“Oh definitely, Torquil, I mean Hazy. Now at No.2 on my list – How deep is your love? Why not reserve her plot now at the new Snotterach Bros. Cemetery. We have been working in conjunction with local undertaker, Woodworm Willie, to provide a special range of pink Valentine’s Day head stones. Let her chose her own wording so that you can demonstrate your love by letting her have that all-important final say.”
“But, Seamus don’t you have any things like fine wine, chocolates or flowers on your list?”
“Patience, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’m just getting to the special beverages. At No. 1 on my list – Does she only have eyes for you? Do those eyes bulge or protrude in a staring manner? She might have a condition called Proptosis. If she’s obese, forgetful, and her hair is falling out, too, the most likely reason is an overactive thyroid gland. Unfortunately, in this instance, www.conjunctivitis.com won’t be suitable for gift buying. So, why not visit Clapdarnach Wineries and buy her a bottle of their finest Valentine’s Day pig’s urine, or Cupid’s pregnant-mare’s urine? They are specially made for the fat lady in your life, with a thyroid condition. Please note that this remedy is NOT suitable for vagans, and so I will be selling signed copies of my book “The Stravagan Diet” for a special Valentine’s Day price of £15.99. Cheques can be made payable to Snotterach Bros.”
“Right then, Seamus Snotterach. Thanks for that. Are you sure I can’t interest you in a clean tissue for your finger?”
“No, thanks, Torquil, I mean Hazy. I’ll have to be going now to catch my bus.”
Thursday, February 09, 2012
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