Last spotted having a droppie tea with Wullie Spanners.
Eric the buffalo is described as dark brown in colour, cloven hoofed, with broad shoulders and curved horns. He is approximately 5-6 feet in height at his shoulders and weighs around a ton. When last seen he was shedding his winter coat and sprinting at 30 mph.
With the imminent arrival of the summer breading season, Eric will become increasingly restless. He may bellow hoarsely and become quarrelsome. Eric has been known to lower his head and paw the earth defiantly, so approach with care or call Wullie Spanners breakdown services for assistance.
Eric's fiancée, Hilda, is also missing but we are still waiting on her up-to-date description and photo details.
PC Hugh Dunnitt has asked all Islanders to check their outhouses and garden areas for signs of Eric and Hilda.
9 comments:
*NEWS FLASH*
Just had a phonecall from Lightning Roddy, the band conductor for the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble, est 1862 --
Roddy said that Annie did not turn up for rehearsal today because she found buffalo droppings in her tuba.
I'm awaiting confirmation from Wullie Spanners to tell me if Eric was musical or not.
*MORE BREAKING NEWS*
Jean from the Woolshop called today, also, to say that she received a mysterious order for a pair of her famous hand-knitted, racing green underpants. She said the caller had heavy breathing and a very gruff voice. He gave his waist measurement as 402 inches!
I'm awaiting confirmation from Wullie Spanners to tell me Eric's waist measurement.
*EVEN MORE BREAKING NEWS*
The boy who plays down at the hotel reported that, on Saturday night in the public bar, whenever he sang the chorus to Bob Dylan’s Buffalo Soldiers, a deep and gruff voice harmonized over his shoulder, singing, “Dreadie, woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy-yoy, woy yoy-you-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-you.”
He described the heavy-set figure as, “burly with lots of chest hair and WILD wide-set eyes set into a square face.”
I'm STILL awaiting confirmation from Wullie Spanners to tell me if Eric was musical or not.
Aye so yer all waitin'confirmation fae me are ye? Well I can confirm this so I can.....we've all got a big BIG problem so we have.....Yer all thinkin' they buffalos is down tae me but there yer all wrong.
Yes they were in ma field but they belongs tae Tacky-Ads International. They wis tae be filmin' an advert fae the new Hujibishi BUFFALO 4wd in Bogacre field jist beside ma junk yard. they start filmin' day after tomorrow an' now some buffoons gone an'left the gate open and they're gone.
Murdina....please tell me it wisnae a real buffalo that jammed up yer mincer......
Wul.
Boy down at the Hotel reports possible mixup between Bobs (Marley/Dylan)
One does raggae & roof tiles etc, the other doesnt - but DID "Hamish the Tambourine Man","Aint Gonna Work on MaggieAnns Farm No More" etc.
##Click here to send ringtone of the Boy Who Plays Down At The Hotel's new cassette single "Maggie may" to your phonebox##
Tackyads plc now understood to have confirmed their location consultant,Mr Minty, entrusted the company's vehicles & animals to mssrs Spanners with instructions to "fix the horn" etc.
PS noticed in Oban Observer ad for "Freshly Frozen organic Bison Steaks". Rang the number but turned out to be some idiot in a phone box.
Hello there Wullie my good friend, Don't worry about the filming for the advert. Daft Uisdean said he would stand in as a buffalo, until we find Eric. Murdina, down at the butchers, said she has a nice buffalo head that might fit him, coincidentally. She found it next to the sausage machine.
I've told Fred Twitter, of the local bird watching group, to keep an eye out for Eric and Hilda. He's got his binoculars trained on a lovely pair of tits just now, though.
By the way, this year's cooking whisky is set to be particularly potent. With mother's Parkinsons, she's been a bit heavy handed with the clapdarnachs.
Your good friend,
Torquil
Hello there Boy down at the Hotel my good friend,
Hold fire on the release of your new cassette single because, according to the Ladies of the Church Guild Knitting Circle... Maggie May Not. You don't want to jump the gun there now, do you?
Thank you for your much valued expertise on the Bob situation. It makes perfect sense now as to why my roof leaks.
By the way, I'm told that Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver has chosen an instrumental for his first waltz at the wedding. How soon could you learn the lyrics?
Your very good friend,
Torquil
Hello there Mr Minty my good friend,
Oh I wouldn't be dialing those Tackyads phone box numbers, looking for a bitty rump, if I were you. Mind you, Jean at the wool shop has a bonnie range of hand-knitted, protective mouth piece covers for your telephone, should you wish to sound 100% organic and mysterious.
Your very good friend,
Torquil
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