Dermott, from MacBrainy Ferries, phoned to warn us about the purchase of a specific return ticket to the island. The ticket holder will arrive here Monday 9th May, 2011, and his passage was booked by The Trading Standards Commission. The Highland Island Hotel corroborates a 3-night-stay booking, for dinner, bed and breakfast, also made by The Trading Standards Commission. This means that Clipboard Cathal will be back prowling around the island.
As yet, we don’t have agreement as to what disguise Clipboard Cathal will employ this year, but Wee Betty at The Bookies offers the following odds.
5-1 Sherlock MacHolmes
7-1 Dick MacTracy
10-1 MacKojak
15-1 MacIronside
25-1 Eric the Buffalo
As usual, here is the checklist.
The Highland Island Hotel - Please ensure that all clapdarnach cooking whiskies are removed from the optics and replaced with legal distillery brands.
The Woolshop – Check all yarn and remove stray clapdarnachs.
Murdina the Butcher – Remove all clapdarnachs from the mincer.
Woodworm Willie Undertaker - Remember last year’s ruling of one body per casket. Also, remove all clapdarnach wine and refill bottles with regular embalming fluids.
Spanners’ Garage – Re-type Daft Uisdean’s City and Guilds Certificate, replacing the word ‘Maniac’ with Mechanic.
We will keep you updated with further warnings as soon as we have more information.
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Here is an update on the latest odds from Wee Betty, concerning Clipboard Cathal's disguise.
5-1 Eric the Buffalo
7-1 Wullie Spanners
10-1 Sydney Devine
15-1 MacIronside
25-1 MacKojak
100-1 Sherlock MacHolmes
150-1 Dick MacTracy
I would also like to repeat my earlier message that The Party is NOT X rated, and The Xtra Spicey Girls will NOT be there.
Your good friend, Torquil
IMPORTANT PUBLIC NOTICE
Would all islanders please note that the following busineses will be closed from 9am on Monday 9th May until just after the ferry to the mainland departs on the 12th.
SPANNERS GARAGE
SPANNERS MOTORAMA USED CARS
SPANNERS LUXURY COACH TOURS
SPANNERS QUALITY USED CAR SPARES
SPANNERS VIDEO HIRE
These closures are due to.......
STAFF HOLIDAYS
ESSENTIAL MAINTAINANCE
STOCKTAKE
STAFF RETRAINING
AULD TOMMY PODGOURNIE'S HERNIA
A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS IN THE GARAGE
DAFT UISDEAN'S BRUISED TOE
Mr SPANNERS KIDNAP BY ALIENS
As a caring company we are always mindful of the communities requirements and so the petrol pumps will be open from 9am till noon each day manned by ma good friends Rev.Horace Brimstone and Councillor Roger(Shifty)McTickle Q.C.
We apologise fae any incontinance caused.
William J.Spanners
Proprietor.
Dinnae be intimidated by Clipboard Cathal, Wullie. Get imaginative! According to Wee Betty's odds, Clipboard Cathal will be coming in disguise as you. Why not throw your wullie-spanner in his works and spend the next three days disguised as Clipboard Cathal? I'm sure you could think of ways to get him banned from the island... if you get my drift.
Woodworm Willie
IMPORTANT PUBLIC NOTICE
Fiona and her paintings Open Studio will be shut for the next few days due to an unforseen illness. The doctor says it might be contentious so I have been quarantined until further notice.
Profuse appologies particularly to my lovely tourist friends - Original Dalis', Rembrandts' and Van Goffs' may still be purchased from our international agent, please email for further details.
Regards,
Fiona and her paintings
Hughie Mohammed and the staff at the island Spar Shop and Off-Sales wish it to be known that due to the ancient sacred festival of Ramadamadingdong, the shop will be closed for the 3 days duration.
Today is your last chance to buy exotic delicacies from our "Oot an Nearly Oot" shelf, and remember....sell-by dates are just put there to confuse the shoppers on the mainland.
Hughie.
Theres is whisper going round the island that "Effie the Excise" wifie and the entire staff of the public bar at the Pier Hotel have been called away on an urgent unforseen fising trip to a particularly inaccesible part of the island. Can anyone confirm ?
If Clipboard Cathal comes to the island disguised as Wulliespanners who has, as we all now know, been abducted by aliens, then who was the suspicious character I just seen staggering down the road towards the chippie? He looked like someome disguised as Daft Uisdean disguised as Wulliespanners disguised as Clipboard Cathal.
And its not a load of foolishness.....What would I be doing making up such a daft sounding story if it wisnae true?
A confused resident.
Eanchainn Hiawatha (from the Gaelic/Iroquoian name meaning "he who combs brains") down at the ‘The First Cut is the Deepest - Salon’ and ‘Scalp Bounty Wigs’, wishes to announce to his customers that, due to navigational difficulties with his Tom Toms, and plumbing difficulties with his new rain dance, his display of freshly acquired hair extensions will not be available for viewing from 9 am on Monday 9th May, until the last ferry leaves on May 12th.
Eanchainn, however, would like to offer Fiona and her paintings the use of his hairdryer for her Original Dalis', Rembrandts' and Van Goffs'.
Eanchainn Hiawatha wishes it be known that he will be attending the S.A.R.C.A.S.M. Party --Scottish Amicable Rams Combined Against Sheep Moccasins
How? (We haven't a clue)
I was wondering if Hughie Mohammed at the Spar had any black-out curtains, suitable for my hearse. I'm waiting on the arrival of my new Eucalyptus Leg, specially carved for the Hayfever season. Until the prosthetics department down under gets my leg over, I'm concerned that I'll be caught on the hop unloading old Angus from the back of the hearse. He's long past his bury-by date, of March 14th. We've a bit of a back log on, due to those water-damaged pace-maker batteries that Wullie Spanners' got cheap from Japan.
Woodworm Willie
HELLO - hello - hello
Everywhere I go on the island, all that I hear is the echo of my own...
HELLO - hello - hello
No one! Everyone has gone. Except for Clipboard Cathal, of course.
Cathal's obtained a large set of skeleton keys, and he's letting himself into all the business establishments on the island...
Oh! Oh!
"SHOCK HORROR ISLAND SCANDAL"
"TRADING STANDARDS OFFICIAL IN KINKY SEX AND STREAKING OUTRAGE"
Your action news reporter here with the biggest news story to hit the island since Auld Aggie's Goat in 1943 !
A Depraveded Government Official has, today, exposed himself in more ways than you would really want to imagine.
Yes....the man sent here to expose honest island folk going about their daily business has turned out to be a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.
Rev.Brimstone takes up the story....
Aye, I was on volunteer petrol petrol pump duty during the recent emergency on the island when I noticed Clipboard Cathal, clutching a big bunch of keys, sneaking across Wulliespanners junkyard towards Daft Uisdeans shed. He let himself in and a few minutes later the three Polish bridesmaids and a 10 litre bottle of particularly green clapdarnach wine also entered the shed closely followed by Daft Uisdean with the biggest can of Swarfega I've ever seen.
I cannot bring myself to describe the Un-Godly events that followed so I'll pass you to Councillor McTickle.
Oh it was terrible so it really was. Poor old Horace and I didn't know what to do so we decided to sit outside the shed and wait. Three and a half hours we sat there forced to listen to the giggles, shrieks, grunts, maniacle cackles and revolting squelching noises.
All of a sudden the door burst open and out shot Cathal dressed in nothing but a pair of fish net stockings (meticulessly hand knitted in finest racing green Sirdar wool)
He took off down the road like a rocket tryin' to cover his face with his clipboard. Pity he didn't try to cover something else.....the image will haunt me forever...
Over to Fred Twitter.....
Oh my word ! what a singularly peculiar affair. I was hiding....I mean set up a hide in an old van in Wulliespanners yard hoping to grab some film of three fine young birds I'd had my eye on; when I inadvertantly filmed the whole sorry scenario.....What to do....After a bit of a think, I made 134 copies of the film and distributed one to every business and entrepeneur on the island....well you would would'nt you !
Torquil m'friend, if your lookin' for yer dinghy ye might try aroond aboot Mallaig so ye might !
I wis comin' oot the Pier Hotel after a few cookin' whiskies wi yon aliens when I spotted that Cathal character....rowin' like the devil he was.....overtook Crawford Minty's motor boat an two Russian trawlers so he did.
Aye...funny few days right enough.
Fancy a pint?
Wul.
I'm speachless, Wullie, so I am.
Did you read the letter I got from Nigel Piles?
I think we need a dram of cooking whisky to settle the nerves.
Your good friend, Torquil
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