Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet replies

Hamish has decided to deal with Big Angus Frae Up the Brae's question as a matter of urgency. He tells me that he will only be keeping the non-urgent questions for hig spot on Lovely Day Radio. So, over to Hamish now...

From Hamish, the Bearded Clam Diver and Resident Vet:

Hello there, I have to apologise for nae replying sooner but ah've been busy with the diving and ah lost a few days after the Highland Island Entertainment Cooncil meeting. Last thing ah remember was drinking that big drum of home brew, well ah thought it was home brew but apparently it was home made tractor fuel for the up and coming tractor races. Braw eh?

Where was ah? Oh yeah - Big Angus Fae Up The Brae. Ah've examined yer cock quite thoroughly and ah can happily say that ah've come tae a diagnosis. Now mah Ladybird Pocket Guide tae Veterinary Surgery says that ah have tae be sensitive but not beat around the bush. So here goes, eh:

HE'S DEED YAH DAFT OLD CODGER! Look at him! He stinks like the gents toilets doon at the Dangly Crystal Balls Dance Hall! Man, ah've never smelled nutthin like it; he's got maggots and slime dribbling out of him. Ah tried tae flush him doon the lavvy but he got stuck and ah had tae bash him a bit with the toilet brush. In the end ah took him oot the back and burned him wi some o that tractor fuel.

Sorry for yer loss, eh. Ah'll send ye the ashes along with ma bill.
Braw.

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Yes, a very prompt reply from Hamish, and dealt with in a very sensitive manner, too. We are all looking forward to hearing more from Hamish on our resident vet spot on Lovely Day Radio, so we are.