THE "LADIES"

1 - Agnes Joy -

Gets up every morning at quarter to five to scrub gussets down at the village laundry. Works sixteen hours a day but not on the sabbath. Enjoys nothing, as life is all about suffering and toil, just as the good Lord would want it. Any prospective husband will have his own separate bedroom and should keep his hands to himself if he knows what's good for him.

2. - Barbara -

Found in the back of Hamish the Bearded Clam Diver's trusty wee dive van. Several punctures.

3. - Florrie -

Former head of tourism for the island. Has since retired and spends her days writing letters of complaint to the community papers, spreading rumours and gossip and tutting at the youth of today. Would like a man who shuts up and does as he's told just like her Albert used to before he ran off with that floozy (who's been with sailors and all sorts).

4. - Gertie -

Former president of the Island's Weight Watchers club who was impeached after being caught embezzling funds. Now runs a very successful business with her own specialist website for men who wear dirty raincoats and live with their mothers.

5. - Hazel -

Hazel: Former mascot of 45 Commando Royal Marines. Got used to the four meals a day (with snacks in between) but got bored of the rigourous exercise. Has seen action is several war-zones and quite a few officer's parties.

6. - Helga -

Won bronze in the Shot Put for East Germany in the late 1980's. However reunification resulted in the withdrawal of her supply of cow hormones and nature hasn't been kind. Can still (almost) fit in to her old sporting gear and can bench press 380lb. Recently won Island Sporting Celebrity of the year for taking on Uilleam's Bull - Spanky.

7. - Jessie Mary -

Excellent cook - meal on the table when you get home, enjoys cleaning, has her own house and car. Saved a good wee penny away from her years of working at the fish market - enough to keep two going into retirement. Has a fine selection of malt whiskeys and seven acres of fertile land. But you'll get used to the smell. Honest you will, it will grow on you. Flies are lucky.

8. - Lilian -

Most educated sheep after digesting a total of 58 books from the Mobile Library van. Disaster nearly struck, though, when she choked on a Geoffrey Archer novel. Luckily, Old Angus From Up the Brae was at hand to give her the Heimlich Manoeuvre. Indeed he did it so hard that his belt must have broken with the effort. PC Dunnet dropped the charges due to lack of evidence.

9. - Moon Beam -

Has the biggest collection of guns and knives on the island. Is keen to meet a new man after her last two died in mysterious circumstances. Preferably wants a man with pipebomb making experience who is keen on bringing down the fascist global corporations and ushering in a new era of socialist brotherhood.

10. - Nancy -

Covergirl for Farmers Weekly and former Miss Wales. Recently divorced from her husband, the actor Kevin Spacey, Nancy has also won the Nobel Prize for Physics due to her work on discovering the Higgs Boson and is to be the first sheep in space due to an agreement with the Russian Space Agency. She telepathically communicates with the spirits of Elvis and the Marquis De Sade and once made the Statue of Liberty disappear. World leaders regularly call her for advice on her bright red telephone and she has a bust of Lenin on her desk which conceals a button that opens the door to her underground Bat-Cave. Nancy is currently on a course of medication to halt her obsessive lying.

11. - Rachel -

Heiress of the multi-millionaire who owns the distillery on the north side of the island. Just got kicked out of her strict Catholic boarding school and is keen to find out about life. Enjoys Gymnastics and Yoga and really wants to spend time with a man who likes to watch football while drinking beer and scratching himself. Hates men who leave the toilet seat down.

12. - Winnifred -

Just an ordinary sheep who likes doing sheep things like not playing fetch or eating Pedigree Chum. Does not like burying bones or peeing on lamposts but definitely likes grass and going Baaaa! Has never done anything to Reverend Brimestone's leg. Not recently. Just a perfectly ordinary sheep.

Now, aren't the "Ladies" just lovely?

We'll be getting Crawford to let two of them go in the Carlsburg ceremony each week, until the finals, which will be broadcast live on the Lovely Day Radio Christmas Show.