Please help us find the lighthouse.
A handsome reward is being offered for the safe return of the missing lighthouse. Yes, donated goods and services are flooding in to increase the incentive.
- Woodworm Willie is donating a bag of brass handles and wiper blades for the new biodegradable Down Under IV Super Thrust Coffin.
- Murdina from the Butcher’s shop is donating 10 lb of her new recipe cinnamon and cream of herring sausages.
- I will be donating 2 boxes of the popular lamb and mint clapdarnach incense cones.
- Jean at the woolshop has offered her knitting services to make a pair of made-to-measure underpants in Sirdar racing green double knitting wool.
- Wullie Spanners has agreed to throw in a set of spark plugs and a right door and wing for a Ford Anglia.
- Lovely Day Radio will make and air one commercial business advert, with the aid of the Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters’ Brass Ensemble, est 1862.
PC Hugh Dunnett has followed a number of promising leads but, so far, nothing has come to light.
Daft Uisdean, thinking he could claim the reward, dragged an ‘out’house up to the police station, much to the annoyance of Mrs. Legge who was still inside powdering her nose. Also, various barber poles have been submitted for inspection but, although all were the right colour combination, PC Hugh Dunnett eventually decided that each were too short and too skinny to be a lighthouse.
The Coastguard mannie is currently ‘helping with enquiries’ down at the Police station, Hamish the bearded clam diver is dredging the harbour for signs of any submerged lighthouses, Crawford Minty continues to floss his teeth in preparation for the next round of The Bachelor, and Cyril Nosecone is performing inland sweeps in his plane “"The Spirit of the Last Cross Eyed Creel Maker of Balliskie," in case the lighthouse wandered ashore.
Stay vigilant and help us in our search.
Flash cards are available, as teaching aids, for anyone who is still unsure how to identify a blinking light.
15 comments:
I'm doon here in Tasmania - nae word - any word up there yet???
That's not Tasmania, Cyril. Rotate your joystick. Your flying up-side-down.
I'm just checking inside the removal van parked at the back of Wullie Spanners' garage but the lighthouse wasn't inside.
I have another idea though...can you give me a lift to Dunnet Head?
I'll give you a lift to Dunnet Head but send them a telex and tell them we'll need a big field to land on - or do we need to land? Could you get me a change of clothes and a Happy Meal...
No sign of any submerged lighthouses, but as ah'm here can ah place an ad in the community paper?
House Bricks for Sale: two colours - red and white, slightly curved.
Any offer considered.
Braw.
Hello there Hamish, my good friend. Regarding your red and white house bricks...do they curve to the left or to the right? Up or down? (Or, could it be that you're 'one bubble off plumb' these days?)
Bonnie smell today, Hamish the bearded Clam Diver - Canal No 5, is it?
Hello again Cyril, my good friend. No need to land, I've got a rope. I'll bring your smoking jacket and your slippers. Jean has a fresh pair of hand-knitted woolen sirdar racing green underpants here for you, too. No Happy meals left Cyril, so I'll just grab the usual fish supper and a tank of Nitrous Oxide.
Hmmmmmm..... ah'm no too sure which way they bend, it's too dark to go outside and see and the only light bulb ah seem to have is a 10,000,000W and it's not a bayonet fitting.
Ah'll get back tae the search tomorrow, that crate of Special Brew isnae gonna drink itself ye know!
Och! I chust don't know what all the fuss is about, so I don't. I'm chust back from the mainland where I saw the headline in the Ullapool Gazette - "Highland Island Loses Big Flasher" and I was chust appalled so I was.
As I explained to PC Dunnet, I had only gone out to get the milk when my dressing gown blew open in the wind. It was chust an unfortunate coincidence that Agnes Joy happened to be walking past and that there were several gusts of wind so there were.
Let's say no more about it, and I'll be on my way now so I will. I've got a brown envelope to deliver to Wullie Spanners. Cheerio.
Hello there my good friend, Big Angus Frae up the Brae. I think you're needing a wee kilt pin...ah sorry, I mean a BIG kilt pin, Big Angus, to keep that dressing gown decent. I have a bitty rope that might do the trick, too, but I'm off with it in Cyril's plane now. Here he comes; we're off to Dunnet Head. I hope that bitty flashing won't be putting Agnes Joy off scrubbing her gussets. No, we wouldn't want that, would we?
Scuse please, I don't know if this is connected but a young man called to my cafe today and offered me a very large round glass dome with diamond shaped windows. It wheeled it into the cafe and said it was a dessert trolly. I bought it off him, the light inside rotates and shows all my merangues, chocolate fudge cake, cheesecake and profiteroles in a new light.
Oh praise the lord! We've chust had a most wonderful donation from a mystery samaritan on the Island - a new bass horn for the brass section. Big Maggie Ann has already had a try but she hasnae quite got the puff to blow it. Daft Uistean had a go too but made a very rude noise with it and we'll have to rinse out the mouthpiece with bleach. If anybody has experience playing a 35 foot long horn, we'd very much like to hear from you.
OK, I admit it, the lighthouse is gone, but what will I say to my boss? You lot better find it soon, I've been sitting here with my headlights on every night & now I'm running out of petrol.My choppers been pinched,too.
This would never have happened if Cyril had'nt mentioned some blinking light housekeeping.
...........................MESSAGE TO THE HIGHLAND ISLAND COMMUNITY
Thanks one and all for your kind help in the recent filming of the advert for our client, "VIAGRA DOT COM"
Particular thanks go to the coastguard & also to the bearded gentleman we left the keys with.
Sincerely
Jasper P Scatterug
(Film Services & Carpets of Distinction)
---------------------------
Well, goodness me, Hello there Mr. Scatterug, Well ever since we heard about your advert, we've been feeling a bit cocky here on the island. Very proud we are. But, then suddenly we came, to wondering if you would have a 20 x 20 circular rug available to cover the spot where the lighthouse used to be. Something waterproof, in red and white might be appropriate. We'd thought about going Persian but Agnes Joy said they were difficult to clean (unlike gussets). Mother puts hers in a bath of cold water and tramps on it with bare feet, though. Yes, her Persian rug and not her gusset.
Now, Mr. Scatterug, did you notice if the lighthouse was there when you left, because we seem to have lost it?
Och goodness, gracious me, it's the coastguard mannie again. Hello there my good friend. I'm sorry to hear that your chopper was pinched, have you tried catnip on your chopper? Ina MacKay says her pussie will roll over it, and everything, never straying too far.
I have a spare torch here, if you run out of petrol. Mother just put a couple of new batteries in last night.
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