Notes from The Church Guild 'Knitting' (Read Gossip) Circle Meeting –

In attendance -

Big Maggie Ann
Annie (and her trombone)
Mrs Reverent Brimstone
Murdina the Butcher
Dorcas Mor
Ruby Hazelnut
Isabella Lilias Ann MacPhee
Dot Pong from the Chinese Dragon
Vera the Traffic Warden
Deirdre from Arbroath

Apologies were given by Jean at the Woolshop, and Fiona and her Paintings.

At 7.25 pm, everyone said, “Shh!” and looked over their shoulders to see if anyone was listening. Satisfied that there were no eavesdroppers, gossip commenced at 7.30 pm.

1) The latest scandal about Jean and the Wool Salesman – Everyone agreed that from now on The Wool Salesman would be known as ‘You know who’. When gossiping about the point in time when Jean came back to the island, the group decided to refer to this period as ‘You know when’. And, Jean was now to be known as ‘Herself’.

2) Official assignment of a new Gossip Case Code Name (G.C.C.N.) - The group decided on a new G.C.C.N., when members needed to gossip about “You know who’, ‘Herself’ and ‘You know when’. The topic is now called Gossip Case Code Name - “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”

3) Protocol reminder - The correct protocol for initiating a G.C.C.N. is to tug on a group member’s sleeve, pull them into a quiet corner of the room, and repeat the G.C.C.N. (In this case the G.C.C.N. is “AH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!”) Then members may proceed to gossip.

4) Examples of relevant gossip – Annie was called upon to give the first example of gossip that might follow G.C.C.N. “OH, FOR GOODNESS SAKE!” Annie said, “Well, I heard that ‘You know who’ did a lot of shouting about ‘You know what’ when ‘You know when’, happened.

5) Definitition of ‘You know what’ - Dorcas asked Annie for a definition of “You know what’.

6) Tension Building Exercise - In order to add tension to the gossip, Annie proposed that everyone guess what ‘You know what’ meant. She further requested that suggestions were given in whispers. The following ideas were given. Deirdre suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to an illegitimate pregnancy. Dot Pong suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to Sweet and Sour Crab Balls (No. 27 on the Chinese Dagon Take Away Menu). Big Maggie Ann used profanities about ‘Chinese Immigrants’ and was asked to leave the group. Dorcas Mor suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to clapdarnachs. Murdina the Butcher suggested that ‘You know what’ referred to ‘You know who’ inviting other women for ‘tea and scones’. Mrs Reverent Brimstone suggested that ‘You know what’ simply referred to the fact that ‘herself’ felt lonely and unappreciated. She added, “When I feel that way, Reverent Brimstone gives me a damn good Rogering.”

The meeting was adjourned, while everyone recovered from the Reverent’s wife’s comment.