Muddy, from Muddy Brown’s Art Emporium, made a damning public claim about the Archie Rembrandt painting that Big Maggie Ann found, stuffed behind the cistern in her outside loo. “The painting is a complete fake,” he said.
The oil on canvas, ‘Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat’, is rumored to have fetched seven figures at Crusty’s auction rooms recently. So, our reporter went to interview Muddy Brown about his claims.
“First of all, how did you get your name, Muddy, its unusual?”
“Its quite easy really, you either mix grey or black with yellow, orange, red, or rose and you get varying shades of Brown.”
Our reporter stopped Mr. Brown in his tracks. “Actually, Muddy, I didn’t want an art lesson – I was talking about your first name. Anyway, let’s move on.”
“Oh, good because I prefer Muddy for short, rather than my two forenames, Muddick Sweeny.”
“Okay then, Muddy Brown, so why do you think the Archie Rembrandt painting is a fake?” he asked.
Muddy Brown answered, “Because, whoever painted this canvas, didn’t follow the painting-by-numbers instructions. The Gold Hat is painted yellow. Everyone, like me, who has completed sufficient painting-by-number kits, knows that yellow is in the No.6 paint pot. The gold paint is No. 11, which the artist has used to paint Daft Uisdean’s wellies.”
“But, Mr Brown, don’t you think this could be down to artistic impression? Perhaps Archie Rembrandt intended to paint the gold hat yellow, and Daft Uisdean’s wellies in gold. Crusty’s auction rooms seemed to think the painting was genuine?”
Silence.
“Mr. Brown? Are you okay? You look a bit… yellow… I mean you look a bit No. 6.”
Silence…followed by shuffling feet.
“Come back Mr. Brown. Maybe I should have said you looked a bit No. 11, I mean No. 2… no, I mean No.7 …oh help, is there an artist about that can help rectify my dilemma with Mr. Brown?”
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5 comments:
My paintings and I have ruminated upon this scenario and it is our considered opinion that the root of the problem is that Rembrant did not have Mr Brown around to tell him how to paint properly.
Muddy Brown indeed....I'll tell you about Muddy Brown...Went into his snobby wee shop, wanted tae get ma aunty Bella a picture for the wall for her 90th. Somethin' tastefull, yon famous one wi' the wee boy wi' the tears. Useless divit said he wis very sorry but there wisnae a Woolworths on the island.
Waste o' a good skin him, wid hae paid up to a tenner for that pikkie.
Wul.
Hello. My name is Johnny Cash Frank Sinatra Ronald McDonald Rembrandt Jr. and I believe that I am a direct descendent of Archie Rembrandt and therefore an heir to his estate. Can you tell me how to contact Big Maggie Ann regarding her theft of a painting, ‘Daft Uisdean in a Gold Hat’?
If Mr Spanners had been quiet for a moment Muddy would have told him what he liked therefore avoiding any "misunderstanding"!
Regards,
Fiona and her paintings
Hmmm, the boy with the tear in his eye looked suspiciously like a young Muddy...D'ya know if he ever did nude face modeling? Nah, it can't be coz Muddy only cries crocodile tears.
Fancy a wee snort of clapdarnach wine, Wullie? Meet me down at the ferry terminal behind the wall...
C U there
Woodworm Willie and his dog, Tripod
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