Once again, Wullie’s cousin twice removed, Bullie Spanners, and his family circus, is coming to the Highland Island.
The Motorbike Stunt Display Team – This year Bullie’s stunt team will be riding the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes, which run entirely on human feces. Bullie’s second cousin, twice removed, Wullie Spanners is currently welding toilet roll holders to the bikes’ handle bars. Gas masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the engines fire up.
A practitioner will be on hand outside in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent for therapy or to discuss outbreaks of Defecaloesiophobia or Coprophobia or Proctophobia or Rectophobia.
The Non-Clowns (We Are Not Clowns, We Are Painted Drag Queens) - Once again the Non-Clowns will be performing acts totally unsuitable for children. Blindfolds and earplugs for your youngsters will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Big Maggie Ann will be on hand for soothing body massages in Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent and where Randy can discuss your outbreaks of Coulrophobia.
Mini Spanners, the trainee taxidermist, and her amazing remote control stuffed trapeze squirrels – See Mini bring her animals back to life in this amazing D.I.Y. performance. Squirrel masks will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
The Glenpuddle and Munro First Crofters' Brass Ensemble will play outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent, wearing their squirrel masks, while Randy discusses your therapy needs for Necrophobia.
The Shell Lady and her Performing Oysters – Watch the Shell Lady’s oysters slide down the slimy slope and turn various shades of luminous green before your knife and fork. Sick bags will be on sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Farquar Bogg of the Rumba Dancing and Sanitation Department will be handing out health questionaires outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent. Randy will be available to discuss your Myxophobia or Blennophobia needs.
Cyril Nosecone’s Air Display Plane - Cyril's plane will perform a tandem fly-over at Sammy’s airfield. Daisy Daisy has agreed to man the pedals aboard the front cockpit, whilst Cyril assumes rear gunner position with his feet up at the back. Hopefully, Daisy Daisy will give Cyril her 'answer do' to stop him going half crazy. Biggles helmets available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
The Reykjavik Disco Dancing Display Team will be rehearsing in spandex at Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while he gives a talk on Nephophobia, Pteromerhanophobia, Aeronausiphobia and Aviophobia.
Finally...
Fiona and her Dancing Paintings - Roll Up! Roll Up! Fiona will perform a reprint of Monet, Monet, Monet. Now that she has perfected the watermark on all notes, Fiona will be taking orders for her Monet, Monet, Monet, and Big Maggie Ann has agreed to clean the big porcelain sink for laundering purposes. Please note – Maggie Ann can only guarantee laundry drying conditions during, a) north winds or, b) provided The Motorbike Stunt Display Team manage to create sufficient wind power with the new Japanese Toto Neo Toilet Bikes. Currency convertors available for sale from Isobel Janet, the ice cream lady, before the performance.
Local gallery owner Muddy Brown will be protesting outside Randy Parahandy MacAndy the Hypnotist's tent while Randy treats Mr Brown for his Ancraophobia, Chrometophobia and Chrematophobia.
Lounge music is provided by the female folk act 'The Sweaty Couch Sleepers'. - The women are guaranteed to screach you sensless with their new CD 'Stained Old Couches'. Plukey Folk Magazine says, "Their monotone singing and expressionless faces, howling halitosis, and fusty underpants, together with buckets of hair grease, will help you slide off into dreamland as they gather in a circle and play to each-other because no one else cares to listen to their [yawn], self-indulgent [yawn, double-yawn], but educational [giant yawn], folky [I'm really sleepy now] songs about couches [Zzzzzzzzz], so memorable that....okay I forget what the song is about. [Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] ...And, as you cover your ears, you'll agree that only 'OUCH!" could rhyme with couch."
Registered Fault Code No. 513-6b2h - High Volume - Unfortunately, the phobia tent is unable to cope with the high queue demand due to numerous greasy folk singers squatting on Randy Parahandy MacAndy's couch. Please call back later.
Daft Uisdean will close the evening's performance by brushing the sweat and sawdust off the floor.
So, Roll up everyone and let's get on with the fabulous and exciting Spanners' Family Circus, with tonight's Master of Ceremonies, Woodworm Willie!
9 comments:
Well done Torquil old girl. Terrific line up there. Particularly looking forward to seeing those Japanese bikes and getting some of Fionas Monet Monet Monet prints. wasnt there a song about that back in the late sixties?
Yours truly, The mannie doon the road and round the corner a bitty
Hello there mannie,
I've got a keen interest in what the Shell Lady is planning. I wouldn't get on the wrong side of her giant mussels!
If you put some couch potatoes in with the greasy folk singers you could make some couch chips. Just saying like.
Indeed, and I'll pass the idea on to Isobel Janet the ice-cream lady. Maybe she could sell some at the intermission. Any ideas on what to call them, for advertising purposes?
Wullie, have you got those toilet roll holders welded on to the handle bars yet?
Cyril, have you checked your tyre pressures and your oil? Ready for take-off yet?
Aye, Them toilet roll holders are welded on right tight and in the interests o' public health an'safety I've erected seventeen o' ma best ex. M.O.D. armour plated camouflge painted military grade toilet paper dispencers; public-spiritedly converted tae coin operation (£2 coins only please )by missel. These will be placed at 6 foot intervals surrounding the stall o' yon shell lassie wi the dodgy oysters.
Extra military grade super-absorbant bog paper will be on sale from Isobel Janets ice cream tray at all times during the performance.
Wul.
Oh, Im ready to rotate anytime soon but I've a great idea...what about I finish the loop de loop with Annie and her Trombone playing Umbrella by Rhianna and I cruise across the field at about 50 feet then crash through a giant canvas painting of You - Torquil..so the punters will see a big painting of Torquil then I fly through your mooth or yer eye or somethin....eh...we'll make it ticket only...!!!
Cyril
Grand job Wullie. Now can we get someone willing to gather all the donations of fuel/human clapdarnachs, an' keep the bikes re-fueled? Word has it that stuntman Evil Knock-Kneevil wants to guest star on a bike, if we can manage to straddle his knock-knees over the bike! This is BIG, Wullie, BIG!
Cyril, Excellent job pal. Annie is so excited, she's gone to ask Wullie Spanners to weld an umbrella to her tuba, for the wet days. The acid rain collection in her tuba is stripping the enamel off her buck teeth and she's begining to look like a gerbil.
Oh, an' Cyril... I've got the perfect side-on mugshot of myself, on loan from PC Hugh Dunnett. Daft Uisdean is blowing it up for me, down at the local quarry. (Didn't know they had a photocopier there.) So, could you organise some timely engine smoke and aim to come out of my left ear, you know... like one of those burning Hopi ear candles? This is BIG, Cyril... BIG!
BIG problems gettin on here Dizzy...none of my computers can get a "captcha" it isn't displaying..so I have to use the wee wheelchair audio one....anyway am all set and will use "Sweet Little Mystery" as I'm flying in yer ear...Yeah..
Cyril
PS: thats quite a party goin on there when you get that wee audio prompt.!!!! bit like air traffic control
Hello there my good friend, Cyril,
Sorry aboot the need for the 'captcha' thingumy but we're under attack from rebels on the mainland. They start by hurling abuse, then the next thing they'll be boarding pirate ships and invading the wool shop, looking to plunder our underpants. Do you think the coast is clear to let our guard down a bitty? Would hate to cause air ptraffic control problems. Let me know if you still have problems.
One more thing...how can we communicate during the performance because I wont be able to hear you due to the plane in my ear?
Hazy Dizzylady (undercover on the mainland)
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