Sponge Bath Square Bob has opened a new sauna at the rear of Wullie Spanners' garage. Early reports are positive, saying that many islanders are lying steaming outside the garage.
Ruby Hazelnut's Dancing by Numbers On Ice Team urgently require a stand-in for Annie and her trombone. Murdina regrets that following last night's dress rehearsal of Dancing by Numbers on Ice, she left Annie and her trombone inside the large chest freezer. "I've got both bars working on the electric heater, but I don't think Annie or her trombone will be thawed out in time for tonight's gala performance," said Murdina. Ruby Hazelnut urges the public for help to replace Annie on the Numbers' Team. "We desperately need a No.2." Please call Ruby if you can help.
Mysteriously, none of the youngsters on the island received any chocolate this Easter. Fiona and her paintings say this sounds quite sketchy so she's trying to draw up a reason for this oversight.
Lastly, the final few slices of Murdina's Easter Bunny pie are now on offer at half price.
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I think my investigations are drawing to a close now. I had no time to dali, first stop was the wool shop where Jean always has the hottest bulletins. A number of sources reckoned that an island gallery owner was buying up all the islands chocolate. Why? It didn't take long to unpick this one. We found a grand vantage point in a fellow guild members china room, we pulled back the nets and with the aid of Fred Twitchers binoculars got a birds eye view into his studio. He was trying his hand at making seasonal art and was heard screaming "eat your heart out Rothko". Oh dear, brown canvases! No hills, no heather, no sea, no sky, no boats and NO ferry terminal!!! As luck would have it we managed to source a stash of "nearly oot" chocolate courtesy of Hughies back store for the bairns so they were happy. The Clapdarnach Wineries were going to make a batch of Ben Barfo Chocolate Liqueur however seem to have had a run on the whisky lately so this project is on hold.
Hello there Fiona and her tactful paintings, I can’t tell you how good I feel to have my tackle back. The only unfortunate thing was that I changed my name to Hazy by deed pole. Oh well, now where was I… Oh yes, I love the composition and texture of the conclusion you’ve drawn. I read with great interest that your keen eye is attributed to Fred Twitter’s old 1958 Mark II Shanks bifocal binoculars, which, I hear, you recently pimped with battery-operated lens-screen washer arms. I’m sure that the additional feature is a great asset to Wullie when he borrows them for spray painting his fleet. Anyway, about old Muddy Brown… the chocolate landscapes are not selling quickly enough. The chocolate is running quicker than he can crank up the display fridge that he rents from Hughie Mohammed. Hughie’s put a coin meter on the fridge for the electricity but Muddy is having a job finding rupees, so he’s got a power cut on his hands and melting paintings to deal with. Any chance that Mini Spanners could lend poor Muddy Brown one of her spare taxidermy freezers? Hey, you didnae eat thon Ben Barfo Chocolate Liqueurs did you? You know who Ben Barfo really is don’t you? (A clue – he drops his underpants at the ferry terminal and he’s got web feet.) Must dash and srub mother's back in the bath. Yer good friend, Torquil (Hazy Dizzylady)
Right then.....I know theres some o' yous oot there that thinks I'm a right miserable auld git but when the island bairns didnae get their Easter choccies due tae yon greedy ponce Muddy Broon an his muddy paintins, Torquil, Hughie an' missel' decided it wis time tae take action.
Question.....what do ye do wi' 15 stone o' condemned Ben Barfo Liqueur Chocs (due in nae small part tae Uisdeans unnatural activities wi' swarfega)?
Answer.....Flog em tae yon Muddy t**t for his new "Executive Chocolate Art".
A bit of Unrepeatable Bargain sweet talkin' fae Hughie an'he relieves the great prawn o' 400 quid.....paid for enough choccie eggs tae make all the bairns well sick plus enough left over for a major carry oot.....JOB DONE.
Wul.
PS I hope Muddys posh customers dont have too good a sense o' smell !
Hullo there ma good pal, Wullie Spanners, Hey Wullie, do you have any of thon Ben Barfo Liqueur Chocs left over? A bloody miracle has happened, Wullie!!! Mother, being a bitty short sighted, reached out to her bedside cabinet for her nighttime face cream and accidentally clarted her face in some melted Ben Barfo Liqueur Chocolate. Wullie, you have to come over and see what happened to mother... she looks like a teenager, with a face as beautiful as Halle Dangleberry, long legs up to her oxters, and wi the figure 'o a teenager again. We could be rich Wullie. Quick, we need to get back thon supply of Ben Barfo Liqueur Chocs from Muddy Brown and buy or steel all his completed chocolate landscapes for recycling. See me doon the ferry terminal in an hour behind the dyke for a meeting and tell Woodworm and Cyril Nosecone!
Oh lads, lads, we cannae hide behind yon dyke annymore....I tried it yesterday an' she objected right strongly so she did !!!!
Wul.
Hullo there Wullie ma good mate and all that, so where can we hide? I need to hide real quick because I suddenly fancy my mother and its no normal tae fancy yir mother, even if she does suddenly look like Halle Dangleberry. Is it a mirage? Am I need'n more drink? Darn that boy and his Ben Barfo Liqueur Chocolates! Help Wullie, what do ya suggest I do?
Right folks.....The Grand Meeting has taken place so it has.....Every able bodied business man on the island ( an a few nae so able ) met in ma office at the Pier Hotel Public Bar and a plan o' rare inspiration wis devised.
Hughie Mohammed fi the Spar shop telt us he wis due a visit fae Reginald Kak the health & safety mannie tomorrow. Now we all know whit an obnoxious we jobsworth Mr Kak is but he has one very useful feature....he's a great pal o' Woodworm Willie....they share a common interest in embalming so they do.
Hugie will tell Reggie he's invited round tae Willies tae see his new embalming pump and the rest o' us will gather there too.....we'll fill him full o'best cookin'whisky then Cyril will tip him the nod that Muddys bin usin contaminated chocolate for his artworks.
We'll wheel him in tae Muddys an' he'll condemn the lot. I'll already have Daft Uisdean in the "Spanners Skip Hire" truck parked roond the back wi' the engine runnin....we'll load it up an' get it away tae Torquils Toxic Waste Repocessing Plant.
Cyril says his cousin Gervaise whos got a health spa in Largs is very interested......Stand well back....the operation is aboot tae launch.
Wul.
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